No One To Blame But Myself…

These are the crazy things I did (almost always when drunk) so I can’t pin the blame anywhere else.

I thought I’d get Harry Smotter when I read the books, but I’m just as Dumbledore as before…

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harry books

 

My sons have been devouring the Harry Potter books at record pace and although I tried to fight it, they’ve cast a spell on me too. I know, I’m twenty years late to the party, but punctuality was never my strong suit. I’ve seen the movies since I see everything nominated for the Oscars and they finally won their lucky 13th try with Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. There was never a reason I hadn’t read the books before now and I gotta tell you – I had some unresolved issues…

 

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As we tore through page by page, chapter by chapter, and then finished each and every book, I kept assuming they’d finally address the elephant in the room – the most important overlooked part of the whole saga – but, much to my dismay, they never did. One day when J.K. Rowling and I are sharing tea and crumpets, I’ll her how amazing and creative her books are and then work up the nerve to ask her: we’re talking about the greatest sorcerer’s the world has ever known. One’s even so powerful that we literally can’t even mention his name without people trembling in fear, but no one knows a spell for Lasik? It’s bad enough that this kid has a lightning bolt scar on his head forcing him to grow out that bowl haircut to try and hide it, but then you go and give him those glasses too? I mean come on, there’s no Lenscrafters at Hogwarts? If not Lasik, how about we get this kid some contacts? I don’t know – that just doesn’t sit right with me.

 
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Does anyone else confuse the Oscar wining star of Whiplash with this fantastic writer or is it just me? Apparently J.K. is the new trendy name like Mary or Joseph (not THE Mary and Joseph, just a lot of kids with those names). There’s J.K. Rowling, J.K. Simmons, J.K. Schaffer (former Cincinnati Bengals player), J.K. Dobbins (football Player for Ohio State Player), J.K. Scott (Green Bay Packers – another football player?). I mean come on – I just can’t keep em straight anymore – It’s only a matter of time before there’s a J.K. Kardashian or Cardi J.K.! I’m gonna change my name to J.K. Immodium Abuser as it’s obviously key to the success that’s eluded me so far!

 

 


Speaking of confusion – the Rita Skeeter character is obviously based on Skeeter from The Muppets and I approve! Skeeter was so underappreciated and Scooter always got all the attention…Twins my ass, they forgot about Dre, she always got the shaft so I’m glad that J.K. found a way to honor Skeeter here!

 

 

 

I won’t go through every book and storyline, but I do wanna give a shout out to one part of the saga that really touched me deep – it’s very rare that I find an author who can speak right to my soul and I gotta give props when it happens! I read that page and it’s so eerie – it’s like she was speaking directly to me and only me! It’s in The Half Blood Prince, Chapter 11 which for some odd reason is called Hermione’s Helping Hand, which sounds very dirty to write in a kid’s book and could actually be the next Stormy Daniel’s film if we don’t stop publishing her exploits in the tabloids. Either way – here’s a screen shot of the page and J.K. was not Just Kidding when she wrote this – it’s her message to the Immodium Abusers out there to let us know that she sees us and hears us and for god’s sake, she describes the harsh reality of my life when she talks about U-No-Poo!

 

 

 

I mean it’s obvious that they’d have Imodium at Hogwarts! He who shall not be named is literally scaring the shit out of half the students and you don’t think everyone’s doubling up on U-No-Poo? Ron is a nervous kid normally, so he’s definitely taking as much if not more than me with those scary adventures! For the love of God – someone better tell Harry Potter he should take some too! Kid, they’re not gonna call time out during the match when you Quidditch your pants up on that broom!

 

 

U-No-Poo! Apparently, it’s not just the muggles who get the gastric struggles! She writes about being purple in the face and straining and it’s just like “Stop it J.K., you had me at Hello!” Full disclosure, I’m not normally in the common room or at mealtime when I’m straining like that because I won’t be able to Hagrid-and-bear-it. Also, I’ll need a new set of robes and they’ll change the name of the class to Defense Against the Dark Sharts if I’m not careful in there.

 

 

 

So since my kids now have the costumes, wands, movies, and Legos, our house is becoming as crazy as Bellatrix’s hair. It’s hard to surprise them anymore, but I’ve found the perfect thing for them: Hogwarts bedding! They’re gonna be kicking the sheets out of those Death Eaters and they’ll be Slytherin under the covers this winter warm as can be now that I have these! Super Dad to the Rescue!

 

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Follow here to get Harry Potter set or many other kids – check it out:  https://www.latestdeals.co.uk/tags/duvet

 

 

If you’re looking for your own set, click the link to follow and get your own. Since they’re Harry Potter themed – you should get them from the UK to be official, but even if you’re not into Harry Potter, they have other sets too. You can always go with Soccer themed, Holiday themed or Teletubbies – which randomly is my wife’s pet name for me. I’m all for fun shit in the bedroom to help have fun dreams so my wife and I actually have the Teletubbies set on our bed! Just kidding – she’d never let me try to get frisky on top of her Tinky-Winky – so we went with a normal set! Make the bedrooms in your house relaxing and fun and you’ll sleep like a baby…or you’ll get frisky and make a baby! Just don’t name it J.K. because there are just too damn many of them to keep track of!

 

 

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This is where the Magic happens…

 

CELEBRITUESDAYS: Bryce Dallas Howard! She’s a Dino Girl, in a Dino World!

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Bryce Dallas Howard is on top of the box office with Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom with more than a billion dollars so far, but more important than that – she’s now on top of my Celeb list! Chris Pratt went through the garage like a brat, but she came marching out to greet the posse waiting for her like a seasoned pro and rose to the challenge.

 

 

I found a video online of her managing the crowd and just being awesome in the process. SEE IT HERE

 

 
Check her out – she’s managing a crowd of people, while signing autographs, while taking photos, and all the while she was being interviewed by multiple cameramen without missing a beat. That was seriously impressive. I’ve seen celebrities that can’t be bothered or do one or two and then leave, but she took care of everyone like a champ!

 

 

 

I really liked Bryce before, but meeting her has moved her so far up the list – she is awesome and I absolutely won’t hear any different! She’s hysterical making fun of herself on the new season of Arrested Development, great in the Jurassic movies, plays such an absolute pie-eating bitch in The Help and she even helped Pete’s Dragon live happily ever after; she can do no wrong in my eyes even if she was in Twilight…

 

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CelebriTuesdays: Karate Kid! Johnny was fun, but Daniel-San was on the run!

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They were promoting The Karate Kid reboot Cobra Kai and I didn’t dream that I’d have a chance to get a picture with Danny and Johnny together, but little did I know that I should have busted out my own crane move to get his picture.

 

NEW YORK, NY – MAY 01: Ralph Macchio (L) and William Zabka visit SiriusXM Studios on May 1, 2018 in New York City. (Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images)

 

William Zabka will always be Johnny to me, and he was a cool cat that stopped to chat and stayed around to take pictures with everyone. Sure he’s gotten older, but long gone are the days of him rocking those unfortunate headbands or receiving illegal crane kicks, but he was very nice and friendly.

 

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As Ralph Macchio was leaving, his assistant was rushing him away to get him into the car, but he did still stop for a few pictures with the fans. I got my turn and had my phone ready as he wasn’t making much small talk and moving pretty quickly. We posed and when I went to push the button to snap the selfie – I must have had a stroke mid-snap because I pressed the button to turn it from selfie mode to front facing mode and I didn’t get the picture…He waked away after seeing me snap the button, not realizing that I’d screwed it up and she led him away. I froze for a second, not quite realizing what happened or how I could be so stupid…“Ralph – it didn’t take…the picture didn’t take” but she still spirited him away.

 

 

I’d just messed it up completely and tried to walk over to him again to get another shot with him, but his assistant wasn’t having any of it. As he walked away, my internal voice was furiously shouting out “Sweep the leg! Sweep the leg!” and it took everything in me to ignore it as he got into his car. I have no excuse for such an amateur move – it’s just plain stupidity after all this time.

 

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So, if you’re keeping score at home – I’m one for three with The Karate Kids. Elisabeth Shue said I’m not that into you and couldn’t be bothered, but this time it was entirely my fault. I had my shot and screwed it up – but he could have just stood still for one more God Damn second, right? I’m not worried though, I’ll get him next time – just ask John Goodman; he thought he could run from me, but I wore him down too…

 

 

CelebriTuesdays: I got to meet John and it’s all Goodman!!!

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John nice one

 

Whether it was the positive vibes I was sending out to the universe or the Scarlett O’Hara meme, or just the fact that he got tired from running away from me; I finally met John Goodman! As you may recall, I missed him when I got to meet Roseanne recently, but I wasn’t going to let that happen to me again.

 

 

He was promoting the Roseanne reboot and I was lying in wait like a cheetah ready to snag its prey. I saw him coming across the lobby and as he came out of the building walked up and told him what a big fan I was and that I’d been looking for him. When he made a strange face upon hearing that and said “what?” I realized that I might be sending the wrong message to him because I was starting to sound like a crazy person so I just said “I’m sorry – big fan – may I take a picture with you?”

 

 

Me jabbering on and talking so fast probably explains the strange grimace on his face in the first photo of us, but it was worth the wait to meet him and see that big Dan Conner smile! He’s been a favorite of mine for a long time through Roseanne and countless movies since Always and he was just really nice and a very cool dude.

 

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The only John Goodman project that I really can’t get on board with is those freaky new McDonald’s commercials – is anyone else terrified by these? I’ being serious – he seems like a lunatic and I’m legitimately frightened by his voice in these. McDonald’s is fine and I have been known to indulge on the deliciousness of the McRib, but the only thing true about the commercials is the tagline “They’ll leave you speechless and it has!

 

 

 

 

While looking at the photos of us afterwards, I couldn’t help but take note of how skinny we both look and wonder if they’re padding him up on the show like Toby on This Is Us. I can remember a time not long ago when neither one of us could fasten our suit jackets up for fear of taking an eye out when a button would surely popped off, so it’s nice to see time and age have changed us for the better.

 

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I‘m sure that some celebrities get tired of being stopped all the time by fans, and I could tell he was in a rush by the fast pace with which he was walking, but he relented. I was grateful because he stopped to talk with me and took the photo, then hustled to the car before anyone else could stop him. I’m actually not sure that there was a chance for anyone else to snap a pic with him after me because he was moving like a man that just got a bad batch of gumbo and needed to get the hell out of dodge immediately if you know what I mean! (Believe me when I tell you that no one understands THAT feeling better than me!) Either way, I got to meet John and it’s all Goodman!

 

 

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Guess I won’t need this anymore…

 

CelebriTuesdays: Mueller Said Knock You Out! Forget the Russians – He needs to shift his focus to LL Cool J & investigate why this Dude doesn’t age!

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mueller said knock you out

 

Everyone’s jabbering on about Cambridge Analytica, Russian election interference and Jeff Daniels’ sister Stormy – but we need to focus and find out what’s going on with the most important cover-up of our time that’s happening right under our noses: Why the eff doesn’t LL Cool J age! I know everyone is up in arms over whether the Russians are rigging our elections, but I’m more concerned with the fact the LL Cool J doesn’t look a day older now than when he was in high school! Ironically enough, Babyface hasn’t looked babyish in fifteen years, yet this guy looks the same as he did when he got his Lerner’s Permit! Mueller needs to prioritize and start investigating what the eff is going on right now! I mean, he’s like a real-life God Damn Benjamin Button! This man is defying logic and nature and we need to open an immediate congressional inquiry to uncover whatever the fuck is going on here!

 

16 year difference

Look at this – if you look at me now compared to sixteen years ago it looks like I’ve swallowed that poor little guy…

 

They’re still looking for Hillary’s mystery emails but I want to see LL’s mystery toiletries. What is in that man’s medicine cabinet? I’m not saying he needs to go to jail or the Russians are interfering with his nutrition like with their Olympic athletes, I’m saying we need to find out EXACTLY what he’s doing or taking so that I can also take whatever the hell he’s on! Nutrition and fitness my eye – he’s like a Russian bot sent here to destroy the self-esteem of every short, fat, and bald guy walking the streets of NYC and I say enough is enough! I’ll have what he’s having and by Thanksgiving – I’m gonna be ready for the runway!

 

LL walking

 

On a daily basis, I’m reminded by both my mirror and my crazy sister that I’m not getting any younger or skinnier, but I kinda roll with it. I make it work like a pimp with a limp, but just when I start feeling good about myself – along comes LL Cool J to mess it all up.

 

Spock you out

 

I’m actually quite a big fan of his and have been known to bring the karaoke house down as “Mama Said Knock You Out” is my #2 go to jam! No disrespect to LL, but my #1 karaoke pick is obviously Eric Carmen’s All By Myself because I rock that mother like a sheer force of nature; I mean, I don’t wanna brag but after hearing my spin on it, DJ’s have been known to retire the song and vow never to play it again!

 

Me and LL 1

 

I was excited to meet him and as he walked over, I just couldn’t help but notice that LL Cool J and I have the same exact physique and I realized that, in the right lighting, we’d be mistaken for twins. It’s downright eerie how similar we are – I mean, if I stood on a chair to be eye level with him, I could probably be his body double. Somebody should probably get CBS casting on the phone and let them know about this in case NCIS: Los Angeles needs me – I can’t be the only one that noticed this, can I? It can’t be just all in my head, can it?

 

It’s funny how when you meet someone you admire, normal people think to themselves Holy Shit…I’m meeting LL Cool J…this is awesome, yet once I saw him in person, my first thought was wow, he could literally kick the shit out of me and not even break a sweat! He’s 6’ 2 and jacked up and I can’t help but look so little and slight next to him and I’m neither a little nor slight person! If that wasn’t bad enough, my sister took one glance at the picture and asked why on earth I was trying to suck it in and puff up my chest to look better. I tried to tell her that when you look like this, you gotten do something when you’re standing next to LL, but she was afraid that if one of my shirt buttons gave out from the pressure, it would take out an eye! I can always count on her to call out my ridiculousness but I guess can’t really be mad at her though, since I do constantly write about when she shit on a cat on a pretty regular basis (too bad she wasn’t pretty regular that day…)

 

 

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On my own, I look normal size – next to him I’m shrunken even further…

 

 

I guess trying to suck in and puff myself up was pretty ridiculous, and he might as well have been seven feet tall standing next to me! I mean come on – even his hands are gigantic! Each palm is the size of my head for God’s sake! I was like “Hey can I get a picture” and I’m sure he was thinking “Dude, you need more than a picture – how about a gym membership? You know I wrote a fitness book right? You read that shit yet Bro?” Ok, so maybe it’s all in my head and he wasn’t really thinking any of that – but until LL tells me differently, I’m going with it!

 

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I mean look at the size of his hands! Even they’re jacked up!

 

One summer during Fat Camp, I went to the mall with my crazy cousin. As we were riding up the escalator, I pointed at her and for no particular reason shouted out “Oh my God, is that LL Cool J?” I thought it was hilarious because, full disclosure, my cousin is a fat white girl – obvi not LL, not Cool and certainly not J! If she had one, her Celebrity name would be LL Chubb K, but who am I to throw stones? Needless to say, the ladies riding the escalator opposite us when I screamed weren’t fooled before they scowled at me and said “Is he an asshole or what?” and I’m not actually sure if they were asking me or my cousin, but I’ll concede that it was a fair question…

 

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Look, LL Cool J seems like a really awesome guy, but in real life, I could never actually be friends with him. I’d feel like I constantly needed to try and suck in my stomach or stand up taller and I couldn’t dare eat anything in front of him. You think he’s eating mounds of white rice every day like me? I don’t believe that man has eaten a carb since the Clinton Administration! That’s a lot of pressure and this fat body just can’t take that kind of stress or hard work so we’ll keep it just like it is.

 

 

The Sea was angry that day my friends – My Costanza moment finally arrived!!!

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Sea was angry

 

I normally try not to drag my wife into my crazy stories on here, but this time I just couldn’t resist! We went away to celebrate her birthday without the kids for the very first time since they were born and it had the makings of a fantastic getaway; that is until the universe pulled out an ironic twist of fate to remind me that “I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!”

 

 

 

Let’s be honest – this has been the worst winter in a long time, and she’d been so looking forward to getting away to the beach, that I was afraid she might make a run for it and swim out to join Ariel the second she saw it. As we parked and walked through the sand, there was no one around. When I say there was no one around, I mean it was deserted. Obviously, early April isn’t beach weather, but it was finally a really nice day after a long crappy streak of dismal days and wasn’t too cold to be down by the water, so we were surprised to find it empty. As it turned out and we’d later discover, there was a small group of other people, but I’ll circle back to them in a minute.

 

 

 

My wife LOVES the beach and was so excited to see the ocean, so as soon as we arrived we went straight there. She’s part mermaid and was born and raised on the ocean, whereas I’ve been hiding in the shade my whole life like a vampire. The beach isn’t something I particularly care for (come on, you’re literally sitting in dirt!), but since it was her birthday and my wife stays home, raising our kids and working one hundred times harder than I ever do at my job, I was determined not to spoil it for her. Little did I know what we were in for…?

 

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As we walked down through the sand, I could see the sheer joy on my wife’s face and her big smile was so contagious that I just looked at her sheer happiness and thought “what could be better than this?” Then I stopped and squinted – trying to make sense of the sight in front of us. I was squinting and confused, until I realized and gasped – because I thought I was hallucinating: “What…the Fuck…is that?” I shouted and she stopped dead in her tracks.

 

 

 

I couldn’t tell if it was a tree trunk washed ashore until I saw it moving, but right there sprawled out before us was not the Kissed by a Rose dude that snubbed me a few months ago, but an actual living, breathing, seal! We thought he might be out there sunning himself at first, but from the noises and restricted movements it was making, we could tell it was in pain. We were shocked to see it, but even more shocked to see the group of Mennonite women playing ball next to it as if it were part of the game. Forgive me for not staying current on all the games these kids are playing now, but common sense should take over and tell you not to put your slam ball or you corn hole that close to a dying seal! It was like they were waiting for him to tap in and play.

 

 

 

I couldn’t tell for certain if they were Amish or Mennonites or the cast of The Handmaid’s Tale out there in that garb, but what I could tell is that they were definitely idiots. We were like “did you guys call the police?” and they were like “for what?” It was almost like a hidden camera how because there’s no way they didn’t notice it… it was right then that I knew that I’d have to be the Marine Biologist on the shore that day! My whole life had been working towards this moment and I was determined to fulfill my Costanza destiny and save that seal! I rolled up my sleeves and went marching over to lend a hand when I heard the voice of wisdom from above: “Do not touch that seal!”

 

 

 

It actually wasn’t divine intervention, but my wife reminding me not to get too close to an animal in pain. I was convinced he just needed to get back into the water and she looked at me like I was crazy and said “What do you think there’s an underwater emergency room down there? Do they have seal band aids and nurses to take care of him? It obviously needs medical attention – Leave it alone!” She’s seen one episode of National Geographic and all of a sudden she’s an expert…but in all seriousness, it would be very cool if they had seal band aids with either the animal on them or the Kissed By a Rose singer!

 

 

 

We agreed to disagree as I was convinced that all that poor seal needed was just a push to get it rolling back into the water, but quickly reminded myself that this is exactly what happened to Buster Bluth on Arrested Development when the seal bit off his hand. (Also, not the Kissed by a Rose singer, but an actual live seal). Not wanting a hook for a hand since it limits my Halloween costume choices, I looked around for a branch or piece of wood to gently press under him to start rolling him into the water when the Po Po arrived.

 

 

 

From one professional offering courtesy to another professional, I went over to update the officer and explain my strategy for assisting the seal when he stopped me mid-sentence and said “Do Not touch that seal – do you understand what I’m saying?” Obviously, he was very sensitive about who was actually in charge of the situation, but I didn’t want to start a fight so I deferred and let him have this one. Also, that was a big seal and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to roll his fat ass back into the water alone and no one was looking to assist me! My favorite part was how he was looking at me like I was the crazy one, yet the cult ten feet away still hadn’t stopped their game to pay any mind to him or the seal. It was as if there were Vegas odds and they stood to make a fortune the way they were so wrapped up in that game.

 

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Two experts conferring on the scene…

 

 

He called animal control to pick up the seal and I left feeling satisfied that my job here was done. I actually did a double take and started looking around for the cameras because I was absolutely convinced we had just stumbled onto the set of the next season of Arrested Development. My wife, on the other hand, said she’d been to the beach thousands of times in her life and here I come rolling into the sand and it’s a shit show. After that, I just kept repeating “The sea was angry that day my friends…”and we did have a really nice weekend despite the seal and the cult members. Sometimes all you need is to seal the deal early and you’ll have a nice time after that.

 

 

 

It’s kind of ironic that this happened and my Facebook profile is actually this meme I put up back in December for my sister’s birthday:

 

Facebook

 

 

CelebriTuesdays: Roma Downey – Touched by an Imodium Angel!

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touched-by-an-angel-logo

 

As if a heavenly vision on a gorgeous morning, Roma Downey stepped out from her car and she was beaming. She’s one of those people you see that just instantly makes you smile. Some people have that natural “glow” around them very similar to the way my forehead glistens because of the mixture of sweat and how thin my hair is; but she was something else entirely.

 

 

 

It was as if she emerged out of a rainbow because she looked stunning and absolutely could not have been sweeter; she stopped and chatted with every person there while signing autographs and taking pictures with anyone that asked. That’s rare, as most people of some notoriety kinda just rush through to get inside.

 

AD the bible continues

 

I’m not one to tempt the fate of the heavens by talking smack about an actual Angel (or even a Charlie’s Angel for that matter) but does anyone else find it ironic that she produced a miniseries called A.D. The Bible Continues and then afterwards she comes face to face with the Imodium AD king himself? Talk about the universe sending what you’ve asked for! Apparently, the sky’s the limit with Roma!

 

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Told you she glows!

 

We snapped a picture and I looked at my phone to see how it came out only to find a random woman photo-bombing the picture. I hadn’t seen her when taking it and didn’t even realize the words had come out of my mouth until I heard myself say “Is this woman kidding? What’s wrong with her? Why would she stand there and do that? She’s taking up half the picture.”

 

Us and Bomber

With Photo Bomber

 

Now, a mature adult would have been happy to get any picture at all and just shut the hell up or just crop the damn woman out, but not me. Roma looked at me and the picture and then turned around to the bomber and said in a voice so sweet it was as if it were a slice of pie from Waitress “Honey, move over – he’s trying to take a picture of us.”

 

 

Us post bomber

Without Photo Bomber

 

I almost died because the photo-bomber, who I’m pretty sure was her assistant because they went into NBC together after that, then promptly looked at us and stepped aside. Roma turned to me and said “let’s take it again” with a huge smile and then we took a better picture. I was almost too embarrassed to take snap another one since I had acted like such an ass, but who am I to turn-a Downey Roma?? Also, I was afraid the assistant would go all Hong Kong Phooey on me the second Roma turned away.

 

hong kong phooey

 

How nice is she that even when I’m acting like a compete ass and cannot shut my mouth for even a second, she’s still so sweet and kind? She literally is an angel and I’ll hear nothing to the contrary about that from anyone!

 

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CelebriTuesdays: Marie Osmond & Dee Snider! She’s a little bit Country, he’s a little bit Rock and Roll!

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They don’t call me Eagle Eye for nothing – OK no one calls me Eagle Eye, but I’d really like people to start. Since I’ve been stalking celebrities, I’ve run into a few people that I didn’t recognize, but not this time. The door opened and there she was: Marie Osmond. I was walking up to ask for a photo as my buddy asked who it was. What? I was thinking to myself who doesn’t know Marie Osmond? but then I remembered that I didn’t know who N.O.R.E was until I was literally fondling his thumb so I guess it happens.

 

Marie could not have been more gracious, unlike the gentleman my friend Chris mistook for Freddie Highmore (The Good Doctor) who was not as friendly as he could have been. She snapped pictures with everyone and told more than a few people how cute she thought they were. Full disclosure, I was actually not one of the men she said was cute, which reminded me of what my mother told me when I asked as a young man if I was good looking: “You’re funny, your looks don’t matter!” I’m still not sure if that was a compliment or not, but I guess it was a nicer way of saying no. Thank God my kids are cute like my wife and funny like me – they’ve got best of both worlds!

 

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I’d put up a poll on here to measure my cuteness level, but I feel like my fragile ego is right on the brink anyway, so I’ll spare you. Feel free to light up the comments section below with just how cute you think I am…

 

donne and marie concerts

 

As she was entering the building, my buddy looked back at her car and said “Is that Donny Osmond still in there?” “NO” I snapped back – “that man is tiny like a little peanut, elderly, and more importantly – he’s Asian! Have you ever actually seen Donny Osmond?” Needless to say Donny wasn’t rocking the sidewalk like his big sister.

 

Dee Snider

 

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Dee Snider, lead singer of Twisted Sister. As a person that grew up with a really twisted sister constantly singing I Wanna Rock over and over again, I feel like I can really relate – so it was awesome to meet him.

 

dee then and now

 

The car pulled up and all of a sudden he just popped out right in front of us and we asked to take a picture. He stopped and said what sounded like “No”, but he was standing there smiling so it was a little off-putting and I paused. I was surprised that he had said no since it was only three of us there and it would have just taken a minute and also, he stopped. Why would he stop if he didn’t want to do it? I was just about to start singing his classic song “We’re Not Gonna Take It” but then he said it again – “Go!” I laughed and said “Sorry, I thought you said NO!” which made him laugh and he said “It did sound like NO, didn’t it? Come on!” He was really very cool and a friendly dude! He’s starring in Rocktopia on Broadway until April 15th, so get out and go see it!

 

dee rocktopia

 

 

CelebriTuesdays: I missed out on Dan, but got to meet Roseanne!

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roseanne reboot cast

 

Last week, I shared my encounter with the fantastic Sandra Bernhard which was perfect timing since the revived Roseanne season was starting tonight, when low and behold Howard Stern was interviewing the Roseanne stars this afternoon. I was anxiously waiting for Roseanne & John Goodman to come down and hopefully snap a picture with me since I’m big fan.

always

 

I’ve seen a lot of celebrities, but I was super excited about meeting them – she’s like that crazy aunt everyone wants and loves, but you’re still somewhat scared of what she’ll do at the family reunion and I’ve been a fan of everything he’s done since Always!

 

 

Lecy Goranson (Original Becky) came out first and was snapping pictures with other fans in the lobby so I went right over. I told her I was excited for the reboot to start and she said she hoped I liked it. As I was wishing her luck with the show, I looked over to see Roseanne and John Goodman walking towards the door. It was my very own Sophie’s Choice as they split up and headed towards different exits – there was just no way to get both of them.

 

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I love John Goodman, but Roseanne was closer to me and I felt like I had a better shot of actually getting her, so I jumped into action using my ninja-stealth speed. OK – I actually just walked over towards where she was heading, but it was at a brisk pace and still felt very Mission Impossible-ish!

 

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Roseanne’s assistant was shooing people away and said “no pictures” and that Roseanne wouldn’t sign any autographs. I looked over and plotzed because John Goodman was taking pictures with everyone at the other door, but I knew he was too far away now so it was Roseanne or nothing. I was right next to her now and all that stood between her and I was that damn assistant who was no-nonsense as she tried to quickly shuttle her to their waiting car.

 

 

As luck would have it, Roseanne’s assistant actually brought her to and opened the door of the wrong car; she actually opened the car door that Lecy had just gotten into. This little snafu caused a short moment of confusion and that moment was my small window of opportunity. I hustled around her assistant and got on the other side of Roseanne once again using my previously mentioned stealth-like ninja speed. I asked Roseanne if I could take the picture and she didn’t answer – full disclosure, it was a little bit of a commotion with the crowd and her assistant leading her to multiple cars through the crowd. I asked again since I’m not an animal and felt it would be extremely rude of me to just jam my phone into Roseanne’s face and start snapping pictures. Also, she’s crazy and could have slugged me which would have been even more awesome!

 

 

Roseanne 1

OVER HER RIGHT SHOULDER IS THE WOMAN WHO DID NOT WANT US TAKING PICTURES.    SHE TRIED TO KEEP US APART BUT WE FOUND A WAY!

 

 

I asked once again – which at that point was even irritating to me as well – and she looked at me and said what could have been a sarcastic line right from the show “Well, why don’t you just take it already?’” and then she started laughing. It wasn’t her famous cackle from the show, but it’s not like I was tickling her or had told her how my sister shit on a cat; either way she still laughed at me. Drop the mic now because Roseanne laughed at me! Granted, she was laughing at me, not with me, but I’ll take what I can get. She got into the car and was gone in an instant and I wans happy as a pig in a poke. (Not really sure exactly what that expression actually means, but I was pretty stoked).

 

Roseanne 3

 

I didn’t get to meet John Goodman today but I’m happy that I at least got to see him in person. I got to meet and get pictures with Becky and Roseanne so, all in all, it was a really good day – but mark my words, I will meet you one day John Goodman! Like Scarlet O’Hara extolled in the classic Gone with the Wind “As God is my witness, I will never miss a picture with John Goodman again!”

 

scarlett

 

CelebriTuesdays: Just in time for the Roseanne reboot, me and Sandra Bernhard had a meet-cute!

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make it stop meme

 

The crazy storms and power outages have knocked me out of my routine and I feel that I’ve neglected you, but just when those celebrities thought it was safe to walk the NYC streets again, Immodium Abuser is back in action!

 

 

I must confess that although it’s extremely hard to fathom, I actually am old enough to have watched the initial run of Roseanne. Its one of the current revivals of dead classic series coming back for another go around and it starts Tuesday March 27th on ABC. Even though I’m not a big fan of reboots, I guess they’re better than 67% of the new shows they try out each year. I’m not counting the hundreds of reality shows taking over the world – I mean scripted, original television fare.

 

Dynasty — Image Number: DYNL01_KEY1.MH.0005.jpg — Pictured: Elizabeth Gillies as Fallon Carrington, Nathalie Kelley as Cristal Flores, Grant Show as Blake Carrington, Sam Adegoke as Jeff Colby, James Mackay as Steven Carrington, and Rafael de la Fuente as Sammy Jo — Photo: Marc Hom /The CW — © 2017 The CW Network. All Rights Reserved

 

Duplicating the success of an original classic show for a revival is so hard because you can’t always replicate the essence which made it so special the first time around. A recognizable title is never a guarantee of success; for every Will & Grace or Hawaii Five-O that works, there’s a Dynasty size mess on the rug when it doesn’t and another Murphy Brown or Magnum PI waiting in the wings to pop up next year.

 

hawaii 50

 

It’s actually unbelievably hard for me to admit that the new CW version of Dynasty is awful because it’s my absolute favorite show of all time! I wanted to fall right back into my old obsession, but it’s bad. As a silent protest against remakes like this that besmirch the glory of the originals, I have started re-watching the 80’s series all over gain during my morning commute. Despite Metro North’s daily shenanigans, I have a newfound pep in my step which I attribute to Fallon Carrington!

 

pamela sue

 

Back to Roseanne. I remember watching that show and being so caught off guard by it. Maybe it had to do with there only being a handful of networks to watch back then so newer shows got more attention than they do nowadays, when there are, literally, hundreds of new shows a year. Roseanne was so different from anything else on television – the Conners were the anti “TV family”. The show struck a nerve like lightning in a bottle and made Roseanne a huge star. As opposed to learning lessons and hugging – this family struggled, fought, laughed and spoke to each other the way you’d hear real mothers talking to their husbands and kids.  I loved the ending credits where they’d have playful scenes with their silly backstage antics – it was original and fun and like no other show on television at the time.

 

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I don’t know that this new incantation will be a great success or not, but I bet it’ll be fun if for no other reason than to see this cast back together. Roseanne is a hysterical lunatic, John is a Goodman and massively funny, and Lady Bird Oscar Nominee Laurie Metcalf is the crazy Aunt Jackie everyone wants in their life. The best part of Roseanne was always the talented side players they enlisted – George Clooney, Estelle Parsons and my new friend on the street Sandra Bernhard! She’s original, sassy, crazy, and she puts the F.U. in fun! She’s got a daily Sirius radio show called Sandyland, but she’s still gonna be back for the reboot (along with Parsons) even if it is just for the ninth episode only.

 

sandyland logo

 

When I saw her, she was rushing to grab a taxi on the street and I couldn’t have been more excited. She was about to get in the cab, but when I called out to her she stepped back out to take a picture with me – which was awesome. She was incredibly sweet and after I took the first picture, she moved in closer to take the second one so it would come out better. Score one for the fans!

 

 

So here’s to much success for Sandra and the Roseanne revival – hopefully you watch and they get another season so Sandra can get back onto Prime Time where she belongs.

 

 

SAndra 1

Don’t even ask what’s wrong with my face in this picture!!!

 

 

Here is the church and here is the steeple – why is the mailman stealing my People?

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inside mailbox

Is this why our mail isn’t delivered until 5 PM…

Heavy things weighing on my mind have me troubled folks. I’m not referring to the week-long power outage from last week’s storm and I fully realize this might make me sound like a lunatic, but I’m pretty that sure that our mailman is taking my magazines.

ripped

I know what you’re thinking – I sound like I’m being paranoid. Yes, but I’m also fed up and I can’t take it anymore. Every Friday for more than a decade, my magazines have been delivered without fail. I always understood if there was a storm or Holiday that it might be off by a day, but never like the delays that I see now. Severe weather has been cause for concern in the past, but that’s understandable. As you know, I’m a very understanding person and have never thrown the postal credo in their face: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. UNTIL NOW. Seriously, they’re supposed to be delivered on Friday and some weeks, I don’t get them until well into the next week and in some cases, it’s been delivered over a full week later. A full week later! Today, I got last week’s issue and guess what? It’s ripped up and looks like someone has been chewing on it. How did it get ripped? Why the hell are there folded pages – who’s saving their spot? How does that even happen in routine mail deliveries?

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I know that this might seem insignificant to some of you, but this is a big deal people – I’m OCD and a compulsive creature of habit! Do you have any idea what it does to a person like me to mess with my rituals? It’s like when my housekeeper cleans our bedroom and puts away my eye mask that I literally cannot sleep without. If it’s in the nightstand – here’s a thought: maybe let’s just leave them there and we’ll be OK. You don’t need to mess with them, why would you move them? You don’t ever need to do that? Why aren’t they where I left them? I’ll never know because my wife thinks it’s rude to ask her about that. Similar to when she wouldn’t let me ask her why she cut my shower curtain in half!!! It’s like the world is out to get me and everyone’s in on it!

entertainment oscar issue

Anyway, back to the magazines. It’d odd, because for the longest time it always arrived like clockwork and then it went off the rails. I checked to see if we had a new mailman and maybe that would explain the delay, but then I realized that it was People’s Most Beautiful Issue – of course it’s missing. It was always on time until it’s a special double issue and then it comes a week late AND you can tell that the magazine has been handled and read. Same thing when it’s a special issue of Entertainment Weekly – all of a sudden, I can’t dig into the Oscar deep-dive or the Shondaland crossover episode because it’s not gonna be here for another week. This is literally the reason why print media is dying and it’s all the postal service’s fault! And there are some issues that have just never been delivered at all. How does that happen – did it accidentally get sent to the hatch with the Others on Lost? One week it was a special Lord of the Rings Issue that I never received, so I had to go buy it at the supermarket. Where the hell did it go? Its not crazy to infer that the mailman put it into his Bilbo MailBag-gins and took it home! As if I needed more ammunition to hate him – he’s a Lord of the Rings fan too!

sorry we missed you

In the grand scheme of things, if this is the worst thing happening in my life I’m pretty lucky, but let’s not minimize the importance of this. Looking at the bigger picture, I’m trying to keep print media alive and I know that makes me sound like a relic. I don’t want you to tell me to go online to read the stories and get additional content – I’m not doing it! I want my printed copy delivered to me – so stop with the digital things that you can get up-to-the-minute updates on your phone with. I don’t want up-to-the-minute. I don’t need up-to-the-minute, I’m not an up-to-the-minute person and I’m don’t want change so don’t mess with my weekly routines.

people princess training

My wife thinks I’m overreacting and getting worked up for nothing, but in actuality it’s kinda stealing in a way. If not actually stealing, it’s definitely larcenous in some way to hold my property hostage or just take it altogether. Here I am pacing every Friday anxious for the Princess in Training issue about Meghan Markle and and he’s pulling the mail truck over to take a break while he reads all about Tim McGraw’s health scare in Ireland! It’s mean and it’s actually borderline harassment.

mailcar

I don’t want this to seem like a condemnation of the Postal Service, because I have the utmost respect and admiration for them. Truly, I do. It’s a hard job that I am way too lazy to ever do myself and I can appreciate their dedication to service. I just can’t appreciate them tormenting me with their crazy antics. I know that not every mailman is crazy and not every mailman is screwed up like the one that I have now or especially – the one we grew up with. When I tell you that our mailman Tony was a character, I mean it. He was rocking an iconic 80’s perm similar to Bradley Cooper’s in American Hustle, and he was the absolute worst driver on record. I’ve seen some crazy things in my time, but never before or since, have I seen a mail truck shoot down a block as fast and free as with Tony behind the wheel. It’s legit, the only time I’ve ever seen a mail truck taking a turn at what seemed like 65 miles per hour on two wheels.

mail truck souped up.jpg

This is what it sounded like Mailman Tony was driving when you’d hear him taking the corners.

Mailman Tony used to hang out with my brother Shawn (which for some reason at the time, didn’t seem as odd as it should have) but not until after Shawn was old enough to recklessly drive his own car. He liked my brother Shawn, but Tony LOVED my other brother Joey! He’d show up at the front door with a box in hand and ask for my brother – proudly stating “I have a package for Joey.” We all wondered what he was really trying to deliver because when Joey looked at the box that Tony had proudly thrust forward, the strange part is that it would always be addressed to my mother.

mailman package

We could never pinpoint if it was my brother having a matching perm to his or if it was his personality that our mailman liked, but we always just assume it was Joey’s skin-tight white jeans and the purple pick hanging out of his back pocket. Either way, no one was getting in the way of Tony trying to give my brother his package so my brother would run and hide once he heard those mail truck tires squealing while Tony was rounding the corner!

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Giving the Best Man speech at Joey’s wedding showing people what his hair used to look like…

On the flip side and to the Postal Service’s credit, we had the best mailman I’ve ever had when I was in college. He’d walk up our porch, lean in the open window where we were stationed on the living room couch and process the handover; he’d always have our mail to deliver and we’d always have a beer or a joint to deliver back – it was the perfect partnership. He’d puff, puff, give and then the mail was passed left and he was off up the hill. It was the height of postal efficiency not seen since Newman’s tenure on Seinfeld and the best part: I never a missed any of my magazines! Not once did I ever wait for a God damn issue! If I had to pick the one thing that I miss most about college – it wouldn’t be my full head of hair or my friends and crazy adventures; I miss the regularity of my magazine deliveries.

Newman

Is consistency too much to ask? My wife thinks I should let it go or just buy a subscription for the mailman too, but I think I might just start opening the window and passing a beer or some fine kush out during his deliveries! Unless the Russians are now hacking the snail mail systems too, there is no reason for this to be happening.

fingerprint kit
I’ve considered getting a fingerprint kit and mailing myself a magazine, but my wife won’t let me pursue it…Don’t you worry though, I’m gonna get to the bottom of this even if I have to get Ask Asa or get Dateline involved…

CBS-_-Ask-Asa

CelebriTuesdays: Wanna hear a story? I met NeNe & N.O.R.E.!

/ www.immodiumabuser.com / 8 Comments

 

 

Sometimes you meet someone and they have a wild spirit while sometimes you meet someone and they’re just crazy – NeNe Leakes is a great mix of both of those!

 

NeNe 1

 

I must confess that I’m not a Real Housewives fan. I can only identify some of the women from the show because my wife has scarred me by showing some of their over-the-top moments. I’ve seen NeNe Leakes on other TV shows like Glee and The New Normal thought she was funny, but in real life, she was hysterical! You can see why they follow her around with cameras – she’s damn crazy in the best way possible.

 

director

 

 

Her black car pulled up the street to pass by the crowd of young girls waiting for the guys from Five Seconds of Summer, but I saw her walking towards her car and went right over: “NeNe, my wife loves you!” It was as if I told something so obvious – like the sky was blue – and she just gave me a knowing look and said “I know she does.” “Would you take a picture with me?” I asked and she promptly took control. I don’t know if directing is in her future, but she was certainly directing our photo shoot.

 

post what i post

 

I lifted the phone to prepare the selfie, when she let me know how to do it. “That’s on video – slide it over to take a picture.” I slid it over and held the phone up thinking we were ready to snap, but boy was I wrong. “You gotta hold that camera higher.” I lifted it a little higher thinking I was ready… “Higher” she said so I lifted it again. “Higher” she said again and I lifted yet again. “Higher…OK, now you can take it” and she laughed then started making kissing faces so we could snap a few pictures and she was making me laugh.

NeNe Kiss 2

 

After we finished snapping, I thanked her and stepped aside so I wasn’t in the way of my friend’s picture as he was next. She took one look at him and said “Whoa, you’re tall!” so I looked back at her and said “NeNe, how come you didn’t say that to me?” She paused for all of one second and then gave me that famous side-eye look like I was crazy, then proceeded to laugh hysterically. We were all laughing and the look on her face was priceless – similar to this look:

 

shade look

 

It was literally like a scene out of a sitcom with her one-liners; she really is naturally funny and just had us cracking up. We were also cracking up because there were a couple of men who weren’t getting pictures, just shouting out “QUEEN…QUEEN…” which for some reason in this situation, didn’t seem as crazy as it normally should have. I actually thought they might be with her at first (which didn’t explain them screaming out Queen, but you never know); I didn’t realize until her car pulled away they were just fans shouting out to her as if that was normal. I also didn’t realize we were getting photo bombed either:

 

 

neNe kiss 1

Watch out for that photo bomb!

She was awesome, she looked great, and she also made me consider extensions for a hot minute, which I don’t think I could pull off as well as her.

 

 

Nore necklaces

Finally a look I can pull off!

 

 

A look I basically pull off every day is the bald head and gold chains N.O.R.E. the rapper wears. I don’t think the jeweled Newport box he normally wears is necessarily the right accent piece for me, but what do I know about fashion?

 

 

newport necklaces

Now that’s jewelry!

 

N.O.R.E finished his interview at Sirius and was heading out to his car when he stopped to chat with us. There was a crowd of about 12 – 15 people and I had my phone in my hand when I walked up and he stopped and said “that’s not a warrant, is it” and busted out laughing. I guess I was a little overdressed in my suit and tie compared with his Royal Tannenbaums sweatsuit, but he was so cool anyway.

 

 

 

 

I gave my friend the camera to take the picture of us and everything was fine as he sidled up to take the picture when I shook his hand. Don’t ask me how it happened, or even why it happened, but instead of selfie training, I need to get some immediate handshake training. For some reason I ended up not shaking his hand but I started shaking his thumb!

 

 

Nore close

 

How weird it that? How did that even happen? Next thing I know, I’m closing in on that thumb and he’s pointing at me like “This dude is wacked out!” I tried to pretend I hadn’t just fondled little Thumbkin and thanked him, then he went in his car.

 

handshake

 

Ever the one to build my self-esteem, my sister took one look at the photo and ever the poet she told me that it looks like I’m jerking his thumb off. She did follow it up by saying that she is glad the look of constipation is off of my face in the current crop of pictures though. Only me…

 

Nore 3

 

Just when I finally start smiling for the pictures, I go and manhandle the thumb. I should have said “Thumb-body loves you” while we were taking the picture, but that would have just been creepy. From now on, I’m just going to stand still and put my hands at my side like a Stormtrooper. I don’t know about you, but thumb-thing like this makes me laugh and think it’s no wonder people think I’m crazy.

 

CelebriTuesdays: Big News – I Met Terry Crews!

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terry GPS.png

 

Terry Crews was visiting Sirius and he could not have been cooler if he was Frozen like Elsa. He’s a class act and hysterically funny to boot. The Brooklyn 99 star is 6’3” and jacked up so he’s pretty hard to miss anyway, but he walked through the lobby with that huge smile, He walked over and said “You wanna take a picture with me?” as if he were the one excited to take it with me. I didn’t even have to ask for a snapshot – he asked me first. The look on his face was priceless and I like this picture better than the one of us together. He was clowning around and it felt like a scene from his TV show:

 

You wanna take a picture

 

I went over for our selfie and he (obviously being WAY taller than me and sensing that he’d have to crouch down to the floor to be at eye level with me) said “No Man, let’s have her take it – it’ll come out much better” and he was right. We gave the camera to someone else to take the photo and it came out great. When I say the picture came out great – I mean that he looks great, but I look like that dwarf from Game of Thrones standing next to him.

 

 

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Anyone else feel like this is how you look in pictures?

 

 

I look short and scrawny standing next to Terry Crews, but thankfully I don’t look Smurf-like as I did here with NBA star Jason Collins:

 

 

Jason Collins

This is ridiculous – I look like a Smurf standing next to him!

 

 

He’s Mr. Charisma and everyone loves him; he was joking around and chatting everyone up – just such a cool guy.

 

Terry and me

 

Of course, in between taking the photo of him and then passing off my phone to take our picture together, I snapped another one and it’s all screwed up as per the norm with my photos:

 

 

Herb Ritts i'm not

Don’t attempt to adjust your screen, it’s just one of my typical blurry selfies…

 

 

I just got a new phone so hopefully the pictures will be better from now on but, I’m tempering my expectations accordingly because Herb Ritts I am not.

 

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CelebriTuesdays: Beauty and the Beard! Taylor Dayne & Zakk Wylde!

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beauty dn the beard two

 

Two musicians that could not be more different were both visiting Sirius and who knew it was their lucky day: they got up close and personal with the Immodium Abuser! None other than 80’s big voice, big hair, and big ballad legend Taylor Dayne and former Ozzy Osbourne guitarist and Black Label Society founder Zakk Wylde.

 

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Taylor Dayne is a legend of big 80’s ballads and bigger hair, and she was all bundled up to brave the winter chill, still took time to meet and take pictures when she was on her way out from visiting Sirius. “Taylor, my wife and I saw you in Aida on Broadway a few years ago” I said as we met. She laughed and looked at me with a big smile and there was that famous big voice: “That was way more than a few years ago.” We both chuckled, then I actually had to go back and look it up and that was way back in 2001. She’s right that was way more than a few years ago which begs the obvious question – how does she still look so good and I look like Charlie Brown’s father?

 

 

Where the hell did the time go? I feel like it was just yesterday that she was signing Tell it to My Heart and I’ll Always Love You, but apparently that’s now called musac. Most of her songs are older than kids currently graduating college and that my friends is exactly why getting old sucks! But she was really cool and I was stoked to meet her!

 

 

Zakk Wylde on the other hand truly lives up to his name and certainly is a Wylde man. He’s the former guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne and founder of the band Black Label Society. I asked for a picture and as we were taking it, he looked at the way I was standing and said “No way Dude – you gotta pose like this with your fist!” Who was I to say no to a request like that? My wife thinks this picture makes me look tough and since they just announced a casting call for the West Side Story that Steven Spielberg is remaking, maybe I’ll use this as my headshot to illustrate my street cred…

 

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Full disclosure, if I wasn’t terrified that Zakk would have kicked the shit out of me I would have asked him to drape that flowing beard over my head so I can see what I’d look like with hair – now that would have been a great picture! Also, the man was wearing a chain. I don’t mean he was wearing a chain like MR. T – I mean he was wearing a chain like the kind that Mr. T would lock his gates with!

 

 

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Giving new meaning to the expression “Yanking my chain!”

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know a lot about fashion, but a chain like that definitely makes a statement. What statement that is exactly, I’m not sure, but I certainly couldn’t pull that off. For one thing, how strong must your belt loops be to hold that baby up? Seriously, what kind of special pants are they – the chain weighs more than a toddler and yet he’s rolling though like its business casual. I’m tired walking to my car just holding my head up so I’d be exhausted hauling that thing around all day.

ZakkOzzy

 

How does one even sit down with that chain on? It’s almost like there should be a gigantic pocket watch attached to the end of it just to show how absurd it is – but on him it works! The real challenge I see is if you’re walking by and your jam comes on: You Can’t Stop the Feeling when those hips start shaking. One wrong hip shake and you’ll see exactly what LL Cool J meant in Mama Said Knock You Out!

 

Mama said knock you out music video

 

Either way, it was my very own version of Beauty and the Beard without the teapot! Wylde man was awesome as was the Dayne with the Mane and at the end of the day, couldn’t we all use just a little more Taylor Dayne in our day?

 

beauty dn the beard two