So how does one start with a blank canvas and sort out what is going to attract people to read this? Do you go for the funny route and try to make you laugh so they want a little more…Do you tell a heart-warming tale that will show a deeper meaning to my life? Let’s go with the funny since there is no deeper meaning here.
My friend Lisa (The Original Hill Street Hooker – TONS more on her later) told me a long time ago (right after she screamed “Hey Tiny Tanks, Lets Go Already!” into the mens room that I was occupying in Van Hoesen Hall because apparently her life was too busy to let someone stop to pee) that I was put on this earth for the very sole purpose of making other people laugh at me. My life has proven her point countless times over and I am going to share that with you here. Usually, when people consistently laugh at you, it can have a serious effect on your self-esteem, but not me…You almost get used to it after a while.
I have a propensity to curse really often, and I also have a LOT (I mean a really abnormal amount) of shitting stories, hence the adoration of Imodium AD. It is not an addiction, it is a lifestyle choice. I, literally, will not leave the house without Imodium in my pocket. I mean, they say your body is your home and would you ever choose NOT to get insurance on your home and just chance it – NEVER! Throughout my whole life, the constant support system and the thing that enabled me to accomplish anything has been Imodium. I am not being sarcastic, I’m actually getting a bit nostalgic here. Imodium AD has literally saved my life (and the back of many a pair of my suit pants). I would never have been able to go to Woodstock in 94, Study Abroad in London or go on a month and a half tour with my wife across Europe had it not been for Imodium AD. The title of my blog is my open fan letter to the makers – because bestowing upon them the highest honor I can give is the only way I can think of to pay them back for all that they have done for me. My ideal dream is to one day be on the Imodium AD box. Some people want to be on the Wheaties box, but screw that: I wanna do something important. One would think that by sharing a very personal ambition with you, you would be very gentle and encouraging – but not my wife. I downloaded the testimonial forms from their website and wrote a long love letter thanking the makers of Imodium AD and told her about it (very excited and proud) and her response: Are you an idiot? You want to be on the box? What am I going to tell my mother, the man that I married wants to be the face of diarrhea? What does that make me? You want people to look at your face and think of shitting? What is wrong with you?” I say, if they aren’t already…who cares. I could have been internationally known (not throughout the microphone) but, needless to say I didn’t send my testimonial in…so this will have to do.
More to follow, I hope you fulfill Lisa’s prophecy and laugh at me as I tell you about my life. In terms of disclaimers, I will go with the claim that everything you are about to read here is false and the names have all been made up. If I pretend they’re all fake then I can write what I want about anyone and not have them mad at me. And keep in mind that the majority of these things have happened when I was under the influence…My go to explanation for most of these things is “of course I was drunk…”
And as I told the girl who I lost my virginity to, “Thanks for laughing at me here today!”
Now on with the show!
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