PLEASE HELP ME!!!! There’s no two Waze about it – We need to get Ice-T as the voice of Waze!

November 15, 2019 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

SIGN THE PETITION HERE: http://chng.it/Lzx9RLpGVS

They just brought back the Cookie Monster voice for Waze, but still don’t have Ice-T on there and I will not let this fundamental wrong go on any longer! We must stand up and demand that Ice-T becomes the voice for Waze immediately. Over a million people follow every word of his on Twitter each day, so it’s time we’re able to follow his directions out on the streets as well! Join me and let’s help to right this unacceptable and avoidable wrong right now! Sometimes you have to stand up and say this is not right and try to fix it!

Also, is Ice-T not the coolest M*thafucka ever? Who doesn’t want to commute to work to the soothing sounds of “I said turnright Dunbf@ck!” Or “m*thafucka, popo up ahead!”

I’m short fat and bald and ask for so little, but this is a true gift we can all share this Holiday Season!

Band with me people and let’s make this world a little brighter!

SIGN THE PETITION HERE: http://chng.it/Lzx9RLpGVS

It’s Bubbe’s Berfday

July 1, 2019July 2, 2019 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

It’s a holiday kids! I don’t mean Tito Puente eating paste al dente or the one that starts with sparklers and ends with a bang: It’s Bubbe’s Berf Day!

Unlike a parent that can’t admit that he likes one of his kids more than the others – I wanna wish a very Happy Birthday to my Number One fan: Bubbe!

There are so many reasons she’s awesome – but isn’t the fact that she loves this site more than life itself reason enough! She’s obviously smart, funny, and has great taste!

While other peeps frown on all things piling up on the outer regions of the “internets,” she’s blazing a trail and making her way to bring happiness to the masses!

Me and Bubbe making cream puffs!

Also, did I mention her cream puffs? Obviously that isn’t meant as dirty as it sounds, but homegirl can cook too!

We might just do a Vlog with us cooking up some treats one day which is sure to wow the masses! We’re a match made in heaven: she’s sweet, witty, and caring and I’m just funny to look at!

Please google “Annie smack that Fannie” right now!

In all seriousness, one moment doesn’t define someone’s lifetime, but for all intents and purposes – Bubbe literally broke the mold when she hatched Annie-Smack-That-Fannie! Yes folks, the awesomeness carried over when she birthed the holiest of all pigeon-pooping-people and has raised a smart, funny, caring, Immodiumabuser obsessed woman in her image! Take it from me when I say that the internet is forever grateful for that and one only needs to google “Annie smack that Fannie” to see why!

The apple didn’t fall far from the tree…and the poop didn’t fall far from the pigeon!

For all these and many more reasons – I celebrate you today and always! You’re truly a special lady and I hope you have a great day!

Also, did I mention those cream puffs?

And for your birthday – here’s a shot of me and Darryl Strawberry, right before our dance off.

Ok one more. Here’s one of me and Hal Prince to make you feel young again – you look like a teen next to him!

He’s 91 years old and has ten times the energy I do!

I thought I’d get Harry Smotter when I read the books, but I’m just as Dumbledore as before…

October 23, 2018October 24, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 11 Comments

My sons have been devouring the Harry Potter books at record pace and although I tried to fight it, they’ve cast a spell on me too. I know, I’m twenty years late to the party, but punctuality was never my strong suit. I’ve seen the movies since I see everything nominated for the Oscars and they finally won their lucky 13th try with Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. There was never a reason I hadn’t read the books before now and I gotta tell you – I had some unresolved issues…

As we tore through page by page, chapter by chapter, and then finished each and every book, I kept assuming they’d finally address the elephant in the room – the most important overlooked part of the whole saga – but, much to my dismay, they never did. One day when J.K. Rowling and I are sharing tea and crumpets, I’ll her how amazing and creative her books are and then work up the nerve to ask her: we’re talking about the greatest sorcerer’s the world has ever known. One’s even so powerful that we literally can’t even mention his name without people trembling in fear, but no one knows a spell for Lasik? It’s bad enough that this kid has a lightning bolt scar on his head forcing him to grow out that bowl haircut to try and hide it, but then you go and give him those glasses too? I mean come on, there’s no Lenscrafters at Hogwarts? If not Lasik, how about we get this kid some contacts? I don’t know – that just doesn’t sit right with me.

Does anyone else confuse the Oscar wining star of Whiplash with this fantastic writer or is it just me? Apparently J.K. is the new trendy name like Mary or Joseph (not THE Mary and Joseph, just a lot of kids with those names). There’s J.K. Rowling, J.K. Simmons, J.K. Schaffer (former Cincinnati Bengals player), J.K. Dobbins (football Player for Ohio State Player), J.K. Scott (Green Bay Packers – another football player?). I mean come on – I just can’t keep em straight anymore – It’s only a matter of time before there’s a J.K. Kardashian or Cardi J.K.! I’m gonna change my name to J.K. Immodium Abuser as it’s obviously key to the success that’s eluded me so far!

Speaking of confusion – the Rita Skeeter character is obviously based on Skeeter from The Muppets and I approve! Skeeter was so underappreciated and Scooter always got all the attention…Twins my ass, they forgot about Dre, she always got the shaft so I’m glad that J.K. found a way to honor Skeeter here!

I won’t go through every book and storyline, but I do wanna give a shout out to one part of the saga that really touched me deep – it’s very rare that I find an author who can speak right to my soul and I gotta give props when it happens! I read that page and it’s so eerie – it’s like she was speaking directly to me and only me! It’s in The Half Blood Prince, Chapter 11 which for some odd reason is called Hermione’s Helping Hand, which sounds very dirty to write in a kid’s book and could actually be the next Stormy Daniel’s film if we don’t stop publishing her exploits in the tabloids. Either way – here’s a screen shot of the page and J.K. was not Just Kidding when she wrote this – it’s her message to the Immodium Abusers out there to let us know that she sees us and hears us and for god’s sake, she describes the harsh reality of my life when she talks about U-No-Poo!

I mean it’s obvious that they’d have Imodium at Hogwarts! He who shall not be named is literally scaring the shit out of half the students and you don’t think everyone’s doubling up on U-No-Poo? Ron is a nervous kid normally, so he’s definitely taking as much if not more than me with those scary adventures! For the love of God – someone better tell Harry Potter he should take some too! Kid, they’re not gonna call time out during the match when you Quidditch your pants up on that broom!

U-No-Poo! Apparently, it’s not just the muggles who get the gastric struggles! She writes about being purple in the face and straining and it’s just like “Stop it J.K., you had me at Hello!” Full disclosure, I’m not normally in the common room or at mealtime when I’m straining like that because I won’t be able to Hagrid-and-bear-it. Also, I’ll need a new set of robes and they’ll change the name of the class to Defense Against the Dark Sharts if I’m not careful in there.

So since my kids now have the costumes, wands, movies, and Legos, our house is becoming as crazy as Bellatrix’s hair. It’s hard to surprise them anymore, but I’ve found the perfect thing for them: Hogwarts bedding! They’re gonna be kicking the sheets out of those Death Eaters and they’ll be Slytherin under the covers this winter warm as can be now that I have these! Super Dad to the Rescue!

Follow here to get Harry Potter set or many other kids – check it out: https://www.latestdeals.co.uk/tags/duvet

If you’re looking for your own set, click the link to follow and get your own. Since they’re Harry Potter themed – you should get them from the UK to be official, but even if you’re not into Harry Potter, they have other sets too. You can always go with Soccer themed, Holiday themed or Teletubbies – which randomly is my wife’s pet name for me. I’m all for fun shit in the bedroom to help have fun dreams so my wife and I actually have the Teletubbies set on our bed! Just kidding – she’d never let me try to get frisky on top of her Tinky-Winky – so we went with a normal set! Make the bedrooms in your house relaxing and fun and you’ll sleep like a baby…or you’ll get frisky and make a baby! Just don’t name it J.K. because there are just too damn many of them to keep track of!

This is where the Magic happens…

Bicentennial Post (that means 200!) Celebrating my Independence Day from Sanity!

July 5, 2018July 5, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

I can’t believe this is my 200th post! That’s a huge milestone so I wanted to pause from our regularly scheduled program to take a moment and celebrate you by doing something a little different. This is for every one of you reading this site and liking and sharing and commenting and laughing and sometimes rolling your eyes and emailing me with genuine concern that something is definitely wrong with me.

I won’t drown you with a bunch of numbers because I don’t like to fixate on them, but 200 posts is nothing to sneeze at! 51,000 visitors are in the rear view mirror and by this time next week, 100,000 total views will be as well! Whether you’ve stumbled onto this site for the first time or you’re one of my 12,576 regular followers – this post is in honor of you! In the spirit of doing things different – I’m gonna pull back the curtain and spill it like the little Yenta I am to answer some of the big Immodium Abuser mysteries that surely have been keeping you up at night.

The top question that people ask me:
Believe it or not, the thing most people ask me isn’t “did your sister really shit on that cat?” but “When your sister shit on that cat – was that cat’s name really Pretty?” Yes, Pretty was the cat’s name, but take that in for a moment. No one finds it odd or is put off by the fact that my sister actually shit all over a poor little kitty, but the crazy part is the fact that the cat was named Pretty! Also, the follow up question 99 times out of 100 is always “was it only one time?” It’s not as if she’s a mad bomber who’s lost the ability to clench or has such precise torpedo aim that the feline community quakes in their furry boots as she walks by. As far as I know, it isn’t a party trick she does when people gather…Of course it only happened once, but really – I should never say never about a repeat performance so let’s keep those cats locked away just in case.

After my sister’s literal “Shit Storm,” Pretty was never the same.

This year, I actually pulled the best April Fool’s Day prank on her (obviously, I mean my sister, not Pretty) when I created a meme with her face and the words “if you see this woman – hide your cats!” I woke her up early that morning and lied to her that I posted the meme on Twitter and hundreds of people had already liked it! Needless to say, she flipped the flip out! I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t even tell her it was all just a joke. Obviously she has forbid me from sharing the un-edited meme here – which I think is a selfish mistake on her part – but I’ll throw her a bone! Once she saw the edited meme, she was actually more irritated than she was at the original version. She probably got crazy because I said her edited photo reminded me exactly of Robert Downey Jr. in the movie Fur, which understandably – isn’t exactly a compliment, but also isn’t too off base either…

Do I really take that much Imodium:

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes I do and I cannot function or commute without it! I just ordered eight 48 packs to be set for July 4th and the site wouldn’t let me order more than four packs so I had to use a different name for the second order. Ridiculous, right? And also, please stop emailing and tweeting me asking if I’m using it to get high. I only wish I could get high and not shit in public from it, but alas, no psychedelic reactions to the AD – yet… Also, the post about Imodium AD actually trying to stage an intervention with me is still the most popular post by many THOUSANDS of views more than anything else I’ve ever written. More than when I was Mistaken for a Retarded Person TWICE in less than a half hour, more than My Famous Baby Jesus Story, and more than any celebrity stalking I’ve ever done.

When my wife asked if I was packed for our long weekend away…here’s my weekend stash!

Did the Pope see it when the bird shit on your friend:

I think that The Pope is everywhere and anywhere so a little part of me would like to believe that he did see the drive-by pooping, even though I know that priceless memory is only between me, Annie-Smack-That-Fannie, and that pigeon’s anus. Just for fun, let’s get that phrase “that pigeon’s anus” trending on Twitter! Fun fact, Annie-Smack-That-Fannie is the only non-celebrity that has had the honor of having their face shown on this site. She proudly wears that badge of honor and will fist fight to defend it, but seriously, if anyone gets shit on in front of me – I’m posting your picture too! Her mother Bubbe is not one to be outdone, so we’ve been kvetching about making our own video so she can show me and everyone else her secret cream puff recipe. Yes I know that sounds really dirty and inappropriate, but there’s nothing dirty or inappropriate about cream puffs if they’re made right. We’ve yet to work out the logistics, but something tells me Fannie might show up rocking her Purple Housecoat and try to sabotage or photobomb our video. More to follow on that front although I didn’t tell her I was going to do this so Bubbe is probably sitting at the table reading this post while schvitzing and spitting out her morning coffee…

Here’s us introducing AJ Ross of ABC News to The Pope Doll.

That’s not lucky…

The most common reaction people have to hearing about my site:
When I tell people about immodiumabuser.com, they always think it’s a joke. They look at me as if I’m kidding and then when they actually see that it’s a real website, their face changes into a mix of confusion, disgust, contempt, and then back to confusion again. Doesn’t matter if its people who just met me or that have known me for years; the concern immediately takes over their face as they either first realize or finally confirm that something is definitely wrong with me. The very next thing almost every single person says immediately after this is “your poor wife!” I literally cannot tell you the countless number of times someone has said that to me! Thousands! When I tell people that she’s my biggest fan and actually thinks it’s awesome – I can see the same look of concern come back as they wonder if something is wrong with her too. (There’s not, just for the record).

The strangest celebrity encounter:

I’ve had so many ridiculous celebrity encounters, but if I chose one it would probably be when I went to shake his hand but ended up actually fondling N.O.R.E.’s thumb. Literally full-on fondling his thumb! I’m still not entirely sure how exactly that happened but it’s probably better to never mention it again…

This is not to say that he was my favorite encounter as Ice-T is my Buddy and if there were any sense of justice in the world, Ice-T and I would be killing it on The Amazing Race right now. Can you even imagine the level of awesome him and I could bring to that show? We’d be The OG and The AD! We’d be abusing the streets with AD & Tweets!

On an amazing side note, I don’t like to brag, but no statistic I can ever share with you is more important than this one: in the past few months, Ice-T has liked almost 30 of my tweets, so he’ll always be my favorite and obviously he has great taste! Either that or he’s just leading me on and the restraining order will follow any day now…

Look at that crazy shirt – It’s like Michael Jackson is in there peeking out…

Odd Footnote:
Gene Simons stopped what he was doing to give me advice! Yes that Gene Simmons from Kiss! He took one look at my business card and said “what a waste – the back side of this card is blank; put something there and use that space. People turn it over and nothing – what a missed opportunity!” I was just glad he didn’t have his book in hand to bop me too because it was the same exact day that he was literally popping people on the noggin with his new book and got banned from FOX News. I don’t hold that against him and I’m actually not sure I would have really minded if he tried to knock some sense into me.

One day, these business cards will be collector’s items or, more than most likely, it’ll be exhibit A in the evidence file for Ice-T’s restraining order…

Fan Mail:
Like a true superstar – I’ve gotten my share of fan mail. I’m not saying that I get bags full of correspondence and cards like Harry & Meghan do, but I do receive crazy notes that make me smile. I want to make note of one in particular as this dude is my kind of awesome crazy! I originally thought that he might be a Red Sox fan from Boston because of the name, but once I read his note, I knew exactly what he meant when his signature had a poop emoji and a sock (I assume it’s been lost to a terrible shit and who hasn’t been there – amIright?). He proudly wears the name Sox Guy because sometimes he shits so bad he has to sacrifice a sock and here’s a sampling of his awesome note and part of my response:

I’m not sure if my wife was more shocked/appalled that he wrote to me, that I wrote back and forth with him as if he was my new pen pal, or the fact that he actually found me on Linkedin! Looking back at the site’s creation, I’m sure that’s the exact intention the founding fathers of Linkedin had in mind when they developed the site – connecting shitting blog fans with their authors!

Next Steps:
So what do the next 200 posts hold in store? It may seem impossible, but I’ve actually been holding back on you, so I’m going to do that less in the future. That may sound ridiculous considering the things that I do share, but there are hysterical stories I haven’t told because I’m afraid they don’t really paint me in the most flattering light. It’s ironic because when I said that same thing to my wife – she rolled her eyes and said “And exactly what type of light do you think you’re currently painting yourself in?” Well played Honey!

I guess holding back was all in vain, so expect a lot more crazy stories, idiotic adventures, and lots more celebrity sightings. You can’t believe how extremely hard it is not to make me sound like a douche when sharing stories of how I’ve tormented senior citizens, gotten fired from a cruise ship, experimented with a controversial religion, or had a crazy explosive shit so bad that I actually had to switch gyms, but now the gloves are off. Be careful what you ask for people because Immodium Abuser is going wild and you’re in for it!

Let me know if there’s anything you want to know about? In the meantime – sign up for the email post updates here so you never miss a post, go follow me on Twitter, and then like my Facebook page before people think there’s really something wrong with you!

CelebriTuesdays: Mueller Said Knock You Out! Forget the Russians – He needs to shift his focus to LL Cool J & investigate why this Dude doesn’t age!

May 5, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Everyone’s jabbering on about Cambridge Analytica, Russian election interference and Jeff Daniels’ sister Stormy – but we need to focus and find out what’s going on with the most important cover-up of our time that’s happening right under our noses: Why the eff doesn’t LL Cool J age! I know everyone is up in arms over whether the Russians are rigging our elections, but I’m more concerned with the fact the LL Cool J doesn’t look a day older now than when he was in high school! Ironically enough, Babyface hasn’t looked babyish in fifteen years, yet this guy looks the same as he did when he got his Lerner’s Permit! Mueller needs to prioritize and start investigating what the eff is going on right now! I mean, he’s like a real-life God Damn Benjamin Button! This man is defying logic and nature and we need to open an immediate congressional inquiry to uncover whatever the fuck is going on here!

Look at this – if you look at me now compared to sixteen years ago it looks like I’ve swallowed that poor little guy…

They’re still looking for Hillary’s mystery emails but I want to see LL’s mystery toiletries. What is in that man’s medicine cabinet? I’m not saying he needs to go to jail or the Russians are interfering with his nutrition like with their Olympic athletes, I’m saying we need to find out EXACTLY what he’s doing or taking so that I can also take whatever the hell he’s on! Nutrition and fitness my eye – he’s like a Russian bot sent here to destroy the self-esteem of every short, fat, and bald guy walking the streets of NYC and I say enough is enough! I’ll have what he’s having and by Thanksgiving – I’m gonna be ready for the runway!

On a daily basis, I’m reminded by both my mirror and my crazy sister that I’m not getting any younger or skinnier, but I kinda roll with it. I make it work like a pimp with a limp, but just when I start feeling good about myself – along comes LL Cool J to mess it all up.

I’m actually quite a big fan of his and have been known to bring the karaoke house down as “Mama Said Knock You Out” is my #2 go to jam! No disrespect to LL, but my #1 karaoke pick is obviously Eric Carmen’s All By Myself because I rock that mother like a sheer force of nature; I mean, I don’t wanna brag but after hearing my spin on it, DJ’s have been known to retire the song and vow never to play it again!

I was excited to meet him and as he walked over, I just couldn’t help but notice that LL Cool J and I have the same exact physique and I realized that, in the right lighting, we’d be mistaken for twins. It’s downright eerie how similar we are – I mean, if I stood on a chair to be eye level with him, I could probably be his body double. Somebody should probably get CBS casting on the phone and let them know about this in case NCIS: Los Angeles needs me – I can’t be the only one that noticed this, can I? It can’t be just all in my head, can it?

It’s funny how when you meet someone you admire, normal people think to themselves Holy Shit…I’m meeting LL Cool J…this is awesome, yet once I saw him in person, my first thought was wow, he could literally kick the shit out of me and not even break a sweat! He’s 6’ 2 and jacked up and I can’t help but look so little and slight next to him and I’m neither a little nor slight person! If that wasn’t bad enough, my sister took one glance at the picture and asked why on earth I was trying to suck it in and puff up my chest to look better. I tried to tell her that when you look like this, you gotten do something when you’re standing next to LL, but she was afraid that if one of my shirt buttons gave out from the pressure, it would take out an eye! I can always count on her to call out my ridiculousness but I guess can’t really be mad at her though, since I do constantly write about when she shit on a cat on a pretty regular basis (too bad she wasn’t pretty regular that day…)

On my own, I look normal size – next to him I’m shrunken even further…

I guess trying to suck in and puff myself up was pretty ridiculous, and he might as well have been seven feet tall standing next to me! I mean come on – even his hands are gigantic! Each palm is the size of my head for God’s sake! I was like “Hey can I get a picture” and I’m sure he was thinking “Dude, you need more than a picture – how about a gym membership? You know I wrote a fitness book right? You read that shit yet Bro?” Ok, so maybe it’s all in my head and he wasn’t really thinking any of that – but until LL tells me differently, I’m going with it!

I mean look at the size of his hands! Even they’re jacked up!

One summer during Fat Camp, I went to the mall with my crazy cousin. As we were riding up the escalator, I pointed at her and for no particular reason shouted out “Oh my God, is that LL Cool J?” I thought it was hilarious because, full disclosure, my cousin is a fat white girl – obvi not LL, not Cool and certainly not J! If she had one, her Celebrity name would be LL Chubb K, but who am I to throw stones? Needless to say, the ladies riding the escalator opposite us when I screamed weren’t fooled before they scowled at me and said “Is he an asshole or what?” and I’m not actually sure if they were asking me or my cousin, but I’ll concede that it was a fair question…

Look, LL Cool J seems like a really awesome guy, but in real life, I could never actually be friends with him. I’d feel like I constantly needed to try and suck in my stomach or stand up taller and I couldn’t dare eat anything in front of him. You think he’s eating mounds of white rice every day like me? I don’t believe that man has eaten a carb since the Clinton Administration! That’s a lot of pressure and this fat body just can’t take that kind of stress or hard work so we’ll keep it just like it is.

The Sea was angry that day my friends – My Costanza moment finally arrived!!!

April 30, 2018April 30, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 15 Comments

I normally try not to drag my wife into my crazy stories on here, but this time I just couldn’t resist! We went away to celebrate her birthday without the kids for the very first time since they were born and it had the makings of a fantastic getaway; that is until the universe pulled out an ironic twist of fate to remind me that “I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!”

Let’s be honest – this has been the worst winter in a long time, and she’d been so looking forward to getting away to the beach, that I was afraid she might make a run for it and swim out to join Ariel the second she saw it. As we parked and walked through the sand, there was no one around. When I say there was no one around, I mean it was deserted. Obviously, early April isn’t beach weather, but it was finally a really nice day after a long crappy streak of dismal days and wasn’t too cold to be down by the water, so we were surprised to find it empty. As it turned out and we’d later discover, there was a small group of other people, but I’ll circle back to them in a minute.

My wife LOVES the beach and was so excited to see the ocean, so as soon as we arrived we went straight there. She’s part mermaid and was born and raised on the ocean, whereas I’ve been hiding in the shade my whole life like a vampire. The beach isn’t something I particularly care for (come on, you’re literally sitting in dirt!), but since it was her birthday and my wife stays home, raising our kids and working one hundred times harder than I ever do at my job, I was determined not to spoil it for her. Little did I know what we were in for…?

As we walked down through the sand, I could see the sheer joy on my wife’s face and her big smile was so contagious that I just looked at her sheer happiness and thought “what could be better than this?” Then I stopped and squinted – trying to make sense of the sight in front of us. I was squinting and confused, until I realized and gasped – because I thought I was hallucinating: “What…the Fuck…is that?” I shouted and she stopped dead in her tracks.

I couldn’t tell if it was a tree trunk washed ashore until I saw it moving, but right there sprawled out before us was not the Kissed by a Rose dude that snubbed me a few months ago, but an actual living, breathing, seal! We thought he might be out there sunning himself at first, but from the noises and restricted movements it was making, we could tell it was in pain. We were shocked to see it, but even more shocked to see the group of Mennonite women playing ball next to it as if it were part of the game. Forgive me for not staying current on all the games these kids are playing now, but common sense should take over and tell you not to put your slam ball or you corn hole that close to a dying seal! It was like they were waiting for him to tap in and play.

I couldn’t tell for certain if they were Amish or Mennonites or the cast of The Handmaid’s Tale out there in that garb, but what I could tell is that they were definitely idiots. We were like “did you guys call the police?” and they were like “for what?” It was almost like a hidden camera how because there’s no way they didn’t notice it… it was right then that I knew that I’d have to be the Marine Biologist on the shore that day! My whole life had been working towards this moment and I was determined to fulfill my Costanza destiny and save that seal! I rolled up my sleeves and went marching over to lend a hand when I heard the voice of wisdom from above: “Do not touch that seal!”

It actually wasn’t divine intervention, but my wife reminding me not to get too close to an animal in pain. I was convinced he just needed to get back into the water and she looked at me like I was crazy and said “What do you think there’s an underwater emergency room down there? Do they have seal band aids and nurses to take care of him? It obviously needs medical attention – Leave it alone!” She’s seen one episode of National Geographic and all of a sudden she’s an expert…but in all seriousness, it would be very cool if they had seal band aids with either the animal on them or the Kissed By a Rose singer!

We agreed to disagree as I was convinced that all that poor seal needed was just a push to get it rolling back into the water, but quickly reminded myself that this is exactly what happened to Buster Bluth on Arrested Development when the seal bit off his hand. (Also, not the Kissed by a Rose singer, but an actual live seal). Not wanting a hook for a hand since it limits my Halloween costume choices, I looked around for a branch or piece of wood to gently press under him to start rolling him into the water when the Po Po arrived.

From one professional offering courtesy to another professional, I went over to update the officer and explain my strategy for assisting the seal when he stopped me mid-sentence and said “Do Not touch that seal – do you understand what I’m saying?” Obviously, he was very sensitive about who was actually in charge of the situation, but I didn’t want to start a fight so I deferred and let him have this one. Also, that was a big seal and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to roll his fat ass back into the water alone and no one was looking to assist me! My favorite part was how he was looking at me like I was the crazy one, yet the cult ten feet away still hadn’t stopped their game to pay any mind to him or the seal. It was as if there were Vegas odds and they stood to make a fortune the way they were so wrapped up in that game.

Two experts conferring on the scene…

He called animal control to pick up the seal and I left feeling satisfied that my job here was done. I actually did a double take and started looking around for the cameras because I was absolutely convinced we had just stumbled onto the set of the next season of Arrested Development. My wife, on the other hand, said she’d been to the beach thousands of times in her life and here I come rolling into the sand and it’s a shit show. After that, I just kept repeating “The sea was angry that day my friends…”and we did have a really nice weekend despite the seal and the cult members. Sometimes all you need is to seal the deal early and you’ll have a nice time after that.

It’s kind of ironic that this happened and my Facebook profile is actually this meme I put up back in December for my sister’s birthday:

CelebriTuesdays: I missed out on Dan, but got to meet Roseanne!

March 28, 2018March 28, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

Last week, I shared my encounter with the fantastic Sandra Bernhard which was perfect timing since the revived Roseanne season was starting tonight, when low and behold Howard Stern was interviewing the Roseanne stars this afternoon. I was anxiously waiting for Roseanne & John Goodman to come down and hopefully snap a picture with me since I’m big fan.

I’ve seen a lot of celebrities, but I was super excited about meeting them – she’s like that crazy aunt everyone wants and loves, but you’re still somewhat scared of what she’ll do at the family reunion and I’ve been a fan of everything he’s done since Always!

Lecy Goranson (Original Becky) came out first and was snapping pictures with other fans in the lobby so I went right over. I told her I was excited for the reboot to start and she said she hoped I liked it. As I was wishing her luck with the show, I looked over to see Roseanne and John Goodman walking towards the door. It was my very own Sophie’s Choice as they split up and headed towards different exits – there was just no way to get both of them.

I love John Goodman, but Roseanne was closer to me and I felt like I had a better shot of actually getting her, so I jumped into action using my ninja-stealth speed. OK – I actually just walked over towards where she was heading, but it was at a brisk pace and still felt very Mission Impossible-ish!

Roseanne’s assistant was shooing people away and said “no pictures” and that Roseanne wouldn’t sign any autographs. I looked over and plotzed because John Goodman was taking pictures with everyone at the other door, but I knew he was too far away now so it was Roseanne or nothing. I was right next to her now and all that stood between her and I was that damn assistant who was no-nonsense as she tried to quickly shuttle her to their waiting car.

As luck would have it, Roseanne’s assistant actually brought her to and opened the door of the wrong car; she actually opened the car door that Lecy had just gotten into. This little snafu caused a short moment of confusion and that moment was my small window of opportunity. I hustled around her assistant and got on the other side of Roseanne once again using my previously mentioned stealth-like ninja speed. I asked Roseanne if I could take the picture and she didn’t answer – full disclosure, it was a little bit of a commotion with the crowd and her assistant leading her to multiple cars through the crowd. I asked again since I’m not an animal and felt it would be extremely rude of me to just jam my phone into Roseanne’s face and start snapping pictures. Also, she’s crazy and could have slugged me which would have been even more awesome!

OVER HER RIGHT SHOULDER IS THE WOMAN WHO DID NOT WANT US TAKING PICTURES. SHE TRIED TO KEEP US APART BUT WE FOUND A WAY!

I asked once again – which at that point was even irritating to me as well – and she looked at me and said what could have been a sarcastic line right from the show “Well, why don’t you just take it already?’” and then she started laughing. It wasn’t her famous cackle from the show, but it’s not like I was tickling her or had told her how my sister shit on a cat; either way she still laughed at me. Drop the mic now because Roseanne laughed at me! Granted, she was laughing at me, not with me, but I’ll take what I can get. She got into the car and was gone in an instant and I wans happy as a pig in a poke. (Not really sure exactly what that expression actually means, but I was pretty stoked).

I didn’t get to meet John Goodman today but I’m happy that I at least got to see him in person. I got to meet and get pictures with Becky and Roseanne so, all in all, it was a really good day – but mark my words, I will meet you one day John Goodman! Like Scarlet O’Hara extolled in the classic Gone with the Wind “As God is my witness, I will never miss a picture with John Goodman again!”

CelebriTuesdays: Just in time for the Roseanne reboot, me and Sandra Bernhard had a meet-cute!

March 22, 2018March 23, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

The crazy storms and power outages have knocked me out of my routine and I feel that I’ve neglected you, but just when those celebrities thought it was safe to walk the NYC streets again, Immodium Abuser is back in action!

I must confess that although it’s extremely hard to fathom, I actually am old enough to have watched the initial run of Roseanne. Its one of the current revivals of dead classic series coming back for another go around and it starts Tuesday March 27th on ABC. Even though I’m not a big fan of reboots, I guess they’re better than 67% of the new shows they try out each year. I’m not counting the hundreds of reality shows taking over the world – I mean scripted, original television fare.

Dynasty — Image Number: DYNL01_KEY1.MH.0005.jpg — Pictured: Elizabeth Gillies as Fallon Carrington, Nathalie Kelley as Cristal Flores, Grant Show as Blake Carrington, Sam Adegoke as Jeff Colby, James Mackay as Steven Carrington, and Rafael de la Fuente as Sammy Jo — Photo: Marc Hom /The CW — ÃÂ© 2017 The CW Network. All Rights Reserved

Duplicating the success of an original classic show for a revival is so hard because you can’t always replicate the essence which made it so special the first time around. A recognizable title is never a guarantee of success; for every Will & Grace or Hawaii Five-O that works, there’s a Dynasty size mess on the rug when it doesn’t and another Murphy Brown or Magnum PI waiting in the wings to pop up next year.

It’s actually unbelievably hard for me to admit that the new CW version of Dynasty is awful because it’s my absolute favorite show of all time! I wanted to fall right back into my old obsession, but it’s bad. As a silent protest against remakes like this that besmirch the glory of the originals, I have started re-watching the 80’s series all over gain during my morning commute. Despite Metro North’s daily shenanigans, I have a newfound pep in my step which I attribute to Fallon Carrington!

Back to Roseanne. I remember watching that show and being so caught off guard by it. Maybe it had to do with there only being a handful of networks to watch back then so newer shows got more attention than they do nowadays, when there are, literally, hundreds of new shows a year. Roseanne was so different from anything else on television – the Conners were the anti “TV family”. The show struck a nerve like lightning in a bottle and made Roseanne a huge star. As opposed to learning lessons and hugging – this family struggled, fought, laughed and spoke to each other the way you’d hear real mothers talking to their husbands and kids. I loved the ending credits where they’d have playful scenes with their silly backstage antics – it was original and fun and like no other show on television at the time.

I don’t know that this new incantation will be a great success or not, but I bet it’ll be fun if for no other reason than to see this cast back together. Roseanne is a hysterical lunatic, John is a Goodman and massively funny, and Lady Bird Oscar Nominee Laurie Metcalf is the crazy Aunt Jackie everyone wants in their life. The best part of Roseanne was always the talented side players they enlisted – George Clooney, Estelle Parsons and my new friend on the street Sandra Bernhard! She’s original, sassy, crazy, and she puts the F.U. in fun! She’s got a daily Sirius radio show called Sandyland, but she’s still gonna be back for the reboot (along with Parsons) even if it is just for the ninth episode only.

When I saw her, she was rushing to grab a taxi on the street and I couldn’t have been more excited. She was about to get in the cab, but when I called out to her she stepped back out to take a picture with me – which was awesome. She was incredibly sweet and after I took the first picture, she moved in closer to take the second one so it would come out better. Score one for the fans!

So here’s to much success for Sandra and the Roseanne revival – hopefully you watch and they get another season so Sandra can get back onto Prime Time where she belongs.

Don’t even ask what’s wrong with my face in this picture!!!

Here is the church and here is the steeple – why is the mailman stealing my People?

March 19, 2018March 19, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 6 Comments

Is this why our mail isn’t delivered until 5 PM…

Heavy things weighing on my mind have me troubled folks. I’m not referring to the week-long power outage from last week’s storm and I fully realize this might make me sound like a lunatic, but I’m pretty that sure that our mailman is taking my magazines.

I know what you’re thinking – I sound like I’m being paranoid. Yes, but I’m also fed up and I can’t take it anymore. Every Friday for more than a decade, my magazines have been delivered without fail. I always understood if there was a storm or Holiday that it might be off by a day, but never like the delays that I see now. Severe weather has been cause for concern in the past, but that’s understandable. As you know, I’m a very understanding person and have never thrown the postal credo in their face: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. UNTIL NOW. Seriously, they’re supposed to be delivered on Friday and some weeks, I don’t get them until well into the next week and in some cases, it’s been delivered over a full week later. A full week later! Today, I got last week’s issue and guess what? It’s ripped up and looks like someone has been chewing on it. How did it get ripped? Why the hell are there folded pages – who’s saving their spot? How does that even happen in routine mail deliveries?

I know that this might seem insignificant to some of you, but this is a big deal people – I’m OCD and a compulsive creature of habit! Do you have any idea what it does to a person like me to mess with my rituals? It’s like when my housekeeper cleans our bedroom and puts away my eye mask that I literally cannot sleep without. If it’s in the nightstand – here’s a thought: maybe let’s just leave them there and we’ll be OK. You don’t need to mess with them, why would you move them? You don’t ever need to do that? Why aren’t they where I left them? I’ll never know because my wife thinks it’s rude to ask her about that. Similar to when she wouldn’t let me ask her why she cut my shower curtain in half!!! It’s like the world is out to get me and everyone’s in on it!

Anyway, back to the magazines. It’d odd, because for the longest time it always arrived like clockwork and then it went off the rails. I checked to see if we had a new mailman and maybe that would explain the delay, but then I realized that it was People’s Most Beautiful Issue – of course it’s missing. It was always on time until it’s a special double issue and then it comes a week late AND you can tell that the magazine has been handled and read. Same thing when it’s a special issue of Entertainment Weekly – all of a sudden, I can’t dig into the Oscar deep-dive or the Shondaland crossover episode because it’s not gonna be here for another week. This is literally the reason why print media is dying and it’s all the postal service’s fault! And there are some issues that have just never been delivered at all. How does that happen – did it accidentally get sent to the hatch with the Others on Lost? One week it was a special Lord of the Rings Issue that I never received, so I had to go buy it at the supermarket. Where the hell did it go? Its not crazy to infer that the mailman put it into his Bilbo MailBag-gins and took it home! As if I needed more ammunition to hate him – he’s a Lord of the Rings fan too!

In the grand scheme of things, if this is the worst thing happening in my life I’m pretty lucky, but let’s not minimize the importance of this. Looking at the bigger picture, I’m trying to keep print media alive and I know that makes me sound like a relic. I don’t want you to tell me to go online to read the stories and get additional content – I’m not doing it! I want my printed copy delivered to me – so stop with the digital things that you can get up-to-the-minute updates on your phone with. I don’t want up-to-the-minute. I don’t need up-to-the-minute, I’m not an up-to-the-minute person and I’m don’t want change so don’t mess with my weekly routines.

My wife thinks I’m overreacting and getting worked up for nothing, but in actuality it’s kinda stealing in a way. If not actually stealing, it’s definitely larcenous in some way to hold my property hostage or just take it altogether. Here I am pacing every Friday anxious for the Princess in Training issue about Meghan Markle and and he’s pulling the mail truck over to take a break while he reads all about Tim McGraw’s health scare in Ireland! It’s mean and it’s actually borderline harassment.

I don’t want this to seem like a condemnation of the Postal Service, because I have the utmost respect and admiration for them. Truly, I do. It’s a hard job that I am way too lazy to ever do myself and I can appreciate their dedication to service. I just can’t appreciate them tormenting me with their crazy antics. I know that not every mailman is crazy and not every mailman is screwed up like the one that I have now or especially – the one we grew up with. When I tell you that our mailman Tony was a character, I mean it. He was rocking an iconic 80’s perm similar to Bradley Cooper’s in American Hustle, and he was the absolute worst driver on record. I’ve seen some crazy things in my time, but never before or since, have I seen a mail truck shoot down a block as fast and free as with Tony behind the wheel. It’s legit, the only time I’ve ever seen a mail truck taking a turn at what seemed like 65 miles per hour on two wheels.

This is what it sounded like Mailman Tony was driving when you’d hear him taking the corners.

Mailman Tony used to hang out with my brother Shawn (which for some reason at the time, didn’t seem as odd as it should have) but not until after Shawn was old enough to recklessly drive his own car. He liked my brother Shawn, but Tony LOVED my other brother Joey! He’d show up at the front door with a box in hand and ask for my brother – proudly stating “I have a package for Joey.” We all wondered what he was really trying to deliver because when Joey looked at the box that Tony had proudly thrust forward, the strange part is that it would always be addressed to my mother.

We could never pinpoint if it was my brother having a matching perm to his or if it was his personality that our mailman liked, but we always just assume it was Joey’s skin-tight white jeans and the purple pick hanging out of his back pocket. Either way, no one was getting in the way of Tony trying to give my brother his package so my brother would run and hide once he heard those mail truck tires squealing while Tony was rounding the corner!

Giving the Best Man speech at Joey’s wedding showing people what his hair used to look like…

On the flip side and to the Postal Service’s credit, we had the best mailman I’ve ever had when I was in college. He’d walk up our porch, lean in the open window where we were stationed on the living room couch and process the handover; he’d always have our mail to deliver and we’d always have a beer or a joint to deliver back – it was the perfect partnership. He’d puff, puff, give and then the mail was passed left and he was off up the hill. It was the height of postal efficiency not seen since Newman’s tenure on Seinfeld and the best part: I never a missed any of my magazines! Not once did I ever wait for a God damn issue! If I had to pick the one thing that I miss most about college – it wouldn’t be my full head of hair or my friends and crazy adventures; I miss the regularity of my magazine deliveries.

Is consistency too much to ask? My wife thinks I should let it go or just buy a subscription for the mailman too, but I think I might just start opening the window and passing a beer or some fine kush out during his deliveries! Unless the Russians are now hacking the snail mail systems too, there is no reason for this to be happening.

I’ve considered getting a fingerprint kit and mailing myself a magazine, but my wife won’t let me pursue it…Don’t you worry though, I’m gonna get to the bottom of this even if I have to get Ask Asa or get Dateline involved…

CelebriTuesdays: Wanna hear a story? I met NeNe & N.O.R.E.!

February 28, 2018March 1, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 8 Comments

Sometimes you meet someone and they have a wild spirit while sometimes you meet someone and they’re just crazy – NeNe Leakes is a great mix of both of those!

I must confess that I’m not a Real Housewives fan. I can only identify some of the women from the show because my wife has scarred me by showing some of their over-the-top moments. I’ve seen NeNe Leakes on other TV shows like Glee and The New Normal thought she was funny, but in real life, she was hysterical! You can see why they follow her around with cameras – she’s damn crazy in the best way possible.

Her black car pulled up the street to pass by the crowd of young girls waiting for the guys from Five Seconds of Summer, but I saw her walking towards her car and went right over: “NeNe, my wife loves you!” It was as if I told something so obvious – like the sky was blue – and she just gave me a knowing look and said “I know she does.” “Would you take a picture with me?” I asked and she promptly took control. I don’t know if directing is in her future, but she was certainly directing our photo shoot.

I lifted the phone to prepare the selfie, when she let me know how to do it. “That’s on video – slide it over to take a picture.” I slid it over and held the phone up thinking we were ready to snap, but boy was I wrong. “You gotta hold that camera higher.” I lifted it a little higher thinking I was ready… “Higher” she said so I lifted it again. “Higher” she said again and I lifted yet again. “Higher…OK, now you can take it” and she laughed then started making kissing faces so we could snap a few pictures and she was making me laugh.

After we finished snapping, I thanked her and stepped aside so I wasn’t in the way of my friend’s picture as he was next. She took one look at him and said “Whoa, you’re tall!” so I looked back at her and said “NeNe, how come you didn’t say that to me?” She paused for all of one second and then gave me that famous side-eye look like I was crazy, then proceeded to laugh hysterically. We were all laughing and the look on her face was priceless – similar to this look:

It was literally like a scene out of a sitcom with her one-liners; she really is naturally funny and just had us cracking up. We were also cracking up because there were a couple of men who weren’t getting pictures, just shouting out “QUEEN…QUEEN…” which for some reason in this situation, didn’t seem as crazy as it normally should have. I actually thought they might be with her at first (which didn’t explain them screaming out Queen, but you never know); I didn’t realize until her car pulled away they were just fans shouting out to her as if that was normal. I also didn’t realize we were getting photo bombed either:

Watch out for that photo bomb!

She was awesome, she looked great, and she also made me consider extensions for a hot minute, which I don’t think I could pull off as well as her.

Finally a look I can pull off!

A look I basically pull off every day is the bald head and gold chains N.O.R.E. the rapper wears. I don’t think the jeweled Newport box he normally wears is necessarily the right accent piece for me, but what do I know about fashion?

Now that’s jewelry!

N.O.R.E finished his interview at Sirius and was heading out to his car when he stopped to chat with us. There was a crowd of about 12 – 15 people and I had my phone in my hand when I walked up and he stopped and said “that’s not a warrant, is it” and busted out laughing. I guess I was a little overdressed in my suit and tie compared with his Royal Tannenbaums sweatsuit, but he was so cool anyway.

Just like my sister’s track suit

I gave my friend the camera to take the picture of us and everything was fine as he sidled up to take the picture when I shook his hand. Don’t ask me how it happened, or even why it happened, but instead of selfie training, I need to get some immediate handshake training. For some reason I ended up not shaking his hand but I started shaking his thumb!

How weird it that? How did that even happen? Next thing I know, I’m closing in on that thumb and he’s pointing at me like “This dude is wacked out!” I tried to pretend I hadn’t just fondled little Thumbkin and thanked him, then he went in his car.

Ever the one to build my self-esteem, my sister took one look at the photo and ever the poet she told me that it looks like I’m jerking his thumb off. She did follow it up by saying that she is glad the look of constipation is off of my face in the current crop of pictures though. Only me…

Just when I finally start smiling for the pictures, I go and manhandle the thumb. I should have said “Thumb-body loves you” while we were taking the picture, but that would have just been creepy. From now on, I’m just going to stand still and put my hands at my side like a Stormtrooper. I don’t know about you, but thumb-thing like this makes me laugh and think it’s no wonder people think I’m crazy.

How to see every 2018 Oscar Nominated Film!

February 20, 2018February 22, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 10 Comments

If there is one question people ask me (besides how do I always look so handsome) its how do you see every film nominated for the Oscars? There are 44 feature films and 15 short films nominated for the 2018 Academy Awards and if you’re like me, you scour the internet for show times and hustle from city to city making sure you’ve seen every single film nominated for the Academy Awards before the March 4th telecast. My wife is usually a willing partner with me, but the year I made her drive over ninety minutes each way to see an Best Song nominee while she was pregnant pushed her past the breaking point. Now, we see as many as we can together and then I fly solo for the rest. I always see them all and luckily, this year there are a ton of films already streaming and on DVD to make it much easier.

If you haven’t been keeping up with the films and need some direction – I’m here for you. First, look over the nominations list and check off what you’ve already seen. If by chance, you haven’t seen any of the nominated films, fret not because you still have time to catch up! You don’t need to see all 59 films nominated – most people just see the Best Picture nominees but you can set your own goal. I’m not here to tell you what to see and judge you for not seeing as many movies as me, just to offer you a comprehensive guide on how to see what you want to see! Take a deep breath because this can be overwhelming, so buckle up and let’s go!

FIRST OFF – If you live under a rock and don’t know what films are nominated for the 90th Annual Academy Awards then click here for the nominations:

In case you’re thinking this is going to cost you an arm and a leg, there are many films available at no additional cost because they’re already included with your subscription to Netflix, HBO or Amazon Prime.

Netflix:
Mudbound
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Beauty and the Beast
The Boss Baby
On Body and Soul
Last Men in Aleppo
Strong Island
Icarus
Heroin(e)

The Breadwinner

Amazon Prime:
The Big Sick
Abacus: Small Enough to Jail

HBO & HBO GO:
Traffic Stop

Streaming free on Topic.com
Edith + Eddie

Streaming free on Firstshowing.net
Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405 (***MY FAVORITE FILM OF THE YEAR!)

Streaming free on YouTube:
Dear Basketball

For the following films, there is a charge, but you can make a real dent in some of the major categories with the movies NOW STREAMING on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play. (You can also get them free of charge at your local Library by going old school and picking up a DVD too!)

Lady Bird
Get Out
Three Billboards Outside Ebbings, Missouri
Dunkirk
Darkest Hour
Roman J. Israel, Esq.
The Florida Project
Blade Runner 2049
The Disaster Artist
Baby Driver
Coco
Wonder
Victoria & Abdul
War for the Planet of the Apes
Kong: Skull Island
Marshall
Loving Vincent

The Square
Lou
Knife Skills

If you do pay for movies on ITunes, Fandango or other services, sign up for Ebates here and get a $10 bonus now plus earn money back on ITunes and hundreds of purchases on most websites you’re using every day. No catch, it’s literally just free money back and I’ve gotten over $220 back since I started using it!

Available on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play February 27th:
The Shape of Water (The most nominated film this year with 13!)
Call me By Your Name
Animated Short Films (Five film bundle of Dear Basketball, Garden Party, Lou, Negative Space, Revolting Rhymes)
Live Action Short Films (Five film bundle of DeKalb Elementary, The Eleven O’ Clock, My Nephew Emmett, The Silent Child, Watu Wote/All of Us)
Ferdinand
Faces Places

Available on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play March 2nd:
I, Tonya

In Theatres only:
The Post
Phantom Thread
All the Money in the World
Molly’s Game
The Greatest Showman
Star Wars: The Last Jedi (If you haven’t seen this by now – come on young Padawans!)
Documentary Short Films Program A & B (Program A has three films including Traffic Stop which isn’t available online, so this is the only way to see it. The Program B films are available free on Netflix and ITunes).

If you go to the movies make sure that you sign up for Moviepass and take advantage of membership and the ability to see a movie every single day in thousands of available theatres for only $9.99 a month! That’s less than the cost of buying one movie ticket! If you buy tickets through Fandango – remember to use the Ebates App and get that money back!

Good luck catching up and getting caught up. Start with the Best Picture nominees or start with the films with the most nominations or just pick out of a hat and work your way down the list. There are some great films this year and if I could get you to watch only one – let it be Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405! It’s far and away my favorite film of the year and if you’re not moved by Mindy Alper’s story you just might be dead inside. I’ve seen a lot already and my checklist is almost complete, but even though I’m cramming all the last minute films in, I’m still here if you need suggestions or advice. Which are your favorites this year? What moved you? What bored you? What pissed you off? What’s overrated? Light up the comments below and tell the Immodium Abuser all about it!

CelebriTuesdays: Mirren, Mirren on the wall – Helen’s the fairest Dame of all! (and Donald Sutherland too)

February 7, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

It’s very tacky to brag about accolades and recognition, but if you lined up mine and Dame Helen Mirren’s career accomplishments side by side – you’d see awards with names like Oscar, Tony, Emmy, Golden Globe, Screen Actors Guild, and many more. There would also be a lot of empty Imodium AD boxes, but it’s not a competition – can’t we just support each other and share her trophies?

The Queen, Prime Suspect, Gosford Park, National Treasure, Elizabeth I, The Last Station, Trumbo, Hitchcock – there’s just nothing she does that’s not great. Even the Arthur remake was almost watchable because of her being in it.

See what I mean? When I’m not in the picture – it comes out clear as day. Once I’m in the picture, it’s almost as if it gets one look at me and trembles in fear as if my face broke the camera…

It was a dreary day raining on and off and I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think Helen Mirren might have magical powers and be able to control the weather just like the Chinese government. If this were Salem (and I mean the real Salem, not Days of Our Lives Stefano Dimera’s Salem) they might have burned her at the stake for witchcraft. She looked up and gave a perfect scowl of disdain to the NYC drizzle and poof – just like that – it stopped. That rain literally stopped. Maybe it was a coincidence and it wasn’t a torrential downpour anyway, but I’m not taking any chances if the New York rain won’t even mess with her.

She was just as awesome as she seems: greeting everyone, signing autographs and taking pictures, just working the crowd. In all her regal glory, everyone wanted to meet her when all of a sudden, I looked back at the car and realized that Donald Sutherland, was still in the car. Everyone was transfixed on her, so I rushed right over to tell him what a fan I was and he gladly snapped a few pics.

For anything Donald Sutherland has ever done or will ever do, nothing can top Ordinary People for me. He was amazing and heartbreaking and just the best Dad and for me, that’s the pinnacle. I do love He’s been in a ton of things and around forever, but that’s my favorite of his performances and it still holds up after all these years.

Not everyone got a picture with Donald Sutherland, but he did sign a few autographs and made his way inside with Helen. They were together promoting their new movie, The Leisure Seeker, on Sirius and had to get inside for their interview so it was a good thing I got to him first.

Click here for the trailer for The Leisure Seeker:

I as happy as a clam at my two-for-one sighting, and I headed off on my way. I thought it was already a fantastic day, not knowing I’d see this superstar so of course I ran over and had to ask for a selfie as he was getting ready for his close-up on FOX News:

Not sure why my phone has decided that it will take better pictures of me, the girl with the feed bag, and a random alpaca as opposed to the jacked up shake-n-bake pictures it took of me with Helen & Donald, but the struggle is real peeps! I read The Secret and its usually not this loud and clear, but it sounds like the universe is telling me to head right to the Apple Store and get rid of this busted ass phone…

Just when you think Helen Mirren couldn’t be any more awesome – CLICK HERE so you can see her crushing Drop the Mic with James Corden and she’ll remind you why she’s the Queen!

Helen Mirren DROP THE MIC

CelebriTuesdays: I felt The Big Sick after Kumail’s egregious Oscar snub!

January 31, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

I know what you’re thinking: the Oscars always omit deserving nominees and even though the field was expanded to include more films, this year is no different. How can the Academy legitimately present the best films and egregiously omit Kumail Nanjiani’s best work on the movie screen: Poop Talk? That’s obviously much more fun to talk about than me following after him down half a block to get a photo with him…

If you thought I was referring to The Big Sick, you might be sorry you clicked here. That’s also a really amazing film, but if I’m honest – it kind of pales in comparison to the depths of emotion and honesty that Nanjiani shows in Poop Talk. Forget about Holly Hunter and Ray Romano, this is the real deal – the meat and potatoes if you will. No, I am not making this shit up and you won’t see anything more real on your screen this year. There are no avian females or billboards here, but there are plenty of comedians and experts dropping their truth while celebrating the very last taboo: poop talk.

I will admit that when I first heard about Poop Talk, I was a tad bit offended that I was excluded from participating in the making of this masterpiece. Could there really be a better “expert” on the complex intricacies of number two than moi? I don’t think so and it’s shocking anyone else could either. That being said, since I am a part-time mature adult, I took a cue from Elsa and Let it Go. Also, I thought I’d channel these feelings of exclusion and abandonment into focusing on getting myself a role in the inevitable sequel which they should make just for the title alone: Poop Talk: Number 2 – Dance til I Puma Pants! It’s toilet porn with a lot more corn and you bet your sweet bippy I want in on that!

Poop Talk is in movie theatres and Video on Demand on ITunes on February 18th so get that Valentine’s Day Shopping done right now – who needs flowers or jewelry, when this is the gift that will show the depts. Of your affection. It’s guaranteed to bring out the smiles and laughter and I heard that Meryl Streep actually said it moved her like nothing has in the past few years. She also could have been talking about Nanjiani’s chili moving through her which would make more sense, but who am I to argue with her Streep-ness? Full disclosure, no one has ever heard her say anything like that, but it does sound like something she might say or it’s more likely that if the Dingo that ate her baby could talk, this is exactly what it would say…

In all seriousness, we should feel extremely fortunate because it’s not very often that you see an Oscar nominee chatting it up about dookies. In a perfect world, The Big Sick would win the Best Original Screenplay Oscar next month if only so that he could rush the stage extolling the virtues of poop and Imodium…I’m rooting for you Kumail – now let’s hang out and swap shitting stories Buddy! Friends talk about the jobs and family, but Best Friends talk about poop and boy have I got a shitload of stories for you!

This has nothing to do with this post, but I would never be able to use this bathroom!

Poop Talk trailer here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IrzZ0ceFyRY

CelebriTuesdays: 2017 review – I saw more stars this year than McGregor did after Mayweather finished him off…

December 27, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

It’s that time to look back and reflect on what I’ve done and accomplished over the past year and plan how to better move forward in the year ahead. I’m normally not the type to reflect back and learn any lessons from my behavior, but if this year is any indication – I have a lot of work to do in 2018.

Forget about personal development or being a better person, I’m talking about the important things like quicker camera reflexes and stealth dodging in between publicists or personal assistants. In 2018, my camera skills are gonna be on point!

My new go to pose! My 2018 selfies are gonna be off the chain!

Not to brag too much, but I did get lucky a lot this year. I got to meet a bunch of cool celebrities and whether you attribute that to the luck of the Irish, the power of the Imodium or just the sheer tenacity of a stalker; it was a banner year in a lot of ways. If for nothing else, any year in which I got to see my Larry David in person (even if I did miss snapping a pic because I broke the cardinal rule of no texting while stalking) is a success.

Love this! I’d do the same thing…

Despite my best efforts, there were a few mishaps along the way (besides me looking like I was mid-seizure while singing Say You to Lionel Richie-which he didn’t seem to appreciate as much as I thought he should have) For instance, I got cocky with Seal. There he was just a few feet from me taking pictures with a bunch of fans, when he abruptly stopped the pictures and said he had to go. I don’t know if he could tell that I was seconds away from bursting out “You’re never gonna survive, uuuuunless, we get a little craaaazyyyy!!!” or if he just took one look at me and knew no good could come of encouraging a lunatic like this, but I was denied and he passed me by. He wasn’t being dickish and probably was in a rush or maybe he was hungry (even Seals need to eat too) or maybe he had to take a shit or any of the myriad reasons one doesn’t want to be bothered in public by strangers, but I wasn’t prepared for his abrupt halt to the proceedings. My phone was on selfie mode with the camera facing me so by the time I turned it to front facing, this was all I could get because I was looking at him and didn’t want to walk into the window:

Look at that jaw and jacket – who else could it be?

If you look at that jaw and the jacket and pants – who else could it be but Seal? He got into his car and poof – he was gone. Seals on the beach are kinda slow moving, but when Seal’s in the Sirius lobby he’s pretty damn fast.

I was at The Today Show one morning feeling great about the good shot I got with Pablo Pascal when I turned and Luke Wilson was right next to me about to enter the building. I could only say “Luke” and try to get my phone out for a picture, but he just smiled and walked away. Normally, the celebrities pull up and unload on the curb, but he just walked up unencumbered and casual. He was promoting the film Brad’s Status, but guess who wasn’t promoting Tony’s status that day? Luke Wilson.

There were a few times when my impatience or the poor timing of Metro North’s morning trains (or as I refer to it – Satan’s sleigh) get the better of me and I missed J.B. Smoove, Naomi Judd, Drew Barrymore, and Carol Burnett. I don’t get myself down about the ones I let get away, I focus on the ones I’ll see tomorrow. Like Annie sang “The stars will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar I’ll be stalking, all day long…”

When I saw Scott Ian from Anthrax, he wasn’t taking picture because he was with his son and wife, Pearl Aday (Meat Loaf’s daughter – Little Baby Loaf. No really, she is the actual daughter of the Loaf). They didn’t want to take pictures with their kid which I fully respect and believe it or not, even I have limits and never tread on that. Children are sacred and I never bother anyone with kids because it’s really not cool. When they were bringing Kelly Clarkson’s daughter into The Today Show, some people were snapping away, but seriously – who does that? A) it’s a baby leave her alone and B) that could be my baby – you can’t identify any baby from a quick snap while they’re walking past so fast…

Scott Ian of Anthrax and Ms Loaf herself, Pearl Aday

Some people draw a bigger crowd than others and I’m not normally one to compare size, but there is a certain appeal when you’re rocking a huge crowd. But as my wife constantly reassures me, it’s not the size of your crowd – it’s what you do with it that matters. There was no one around when I saw Liev Schreiber and Cat Stevens and they were both awesome. Small crowds, but big personalities and I wasn’t disappointed. The opposite was true of Charlize Theron. Hot as can be and she was packing a big crowd, but no one was getting near her and she wasn’t stopping for anyone.

I’m not sure if this is actually a selfie with her and I, but we are both technically in the picture together so I’m gonna say it counts.

My biggest faux pas, was my most recent. I saw one of the regular security guards from the building rush up and ask for a photo with this guy and his entourage. He happily obliged and they even got all festive-like and took it by the Lobby Christmas Tree. Seeing this occur, me and some of the other regulars went over and waited our turn to meet him, exchange pleasantries, and snap away. It wasn’t until all of us (SEVEN PEOPLE MIND YOU) had taken pictures with him and compared notes outside that we realized there wasn’t one of us that knew who he was. Seriously, we had all just bum rushed someone to take a picture with us by the Christmas Tree with no idea who it was. This isn’t a strange occurrence, as sometimes one person will recognize someone and then we will tell the others afterwards if they don’t know them (like what happened with the people from Love & Hip Hop). It has never happened where none knew who it was. When I met him, I didn’t know who it was but obviously l didn’t want to walk over and say “Hi, can I take a picture with you and then can you tell me who you are?” so I said “I’m Tony, it’s great to meet you.” I thought I was being smooth and that he’d naturally say his name as well, but he only said “Tony, it’s great to meet you – have a great Holiday!”

The security guard didn’t even know and he was the first one to get a picture so I really blame him for this – he told us that he just assumed since he was wearing shades indoors and walking with a bunch of guys that looked like his entourage, that he was probably someone famous. They got into a nice SUV like the celebrities regularly do so he actually might be someone, but my fear is that we bum rushed Jimmy from Accounting on the 23rd floor while he was on the way to his Uber. Let me know if this guy looks familiar to anyone and drop me a line if he does.

So here I am at the end of the year looking over my pictures and working on my posts for next year as I have a bunch of celebrities waiting to have their brushes with Immodium-Abusing infamy told on these hallowed pages. Much more to come my friends – much more to come! Happy New Year and my wish for you is that your hearts be as full this Holiday Season as my stock of Imodium AD is!!!

CelebriTuedays: Jimmy McMillan – The Rent is Too Damn High guy is Super Fly!

November 8, 2017November 8, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

They say don’t meet your idols because they’ll never live up to your expectations, but when I met Jimmy McMillan, I was floating just as Damn High as the Rent! Welcome to the CelebriTuesday Time Machine; buckle up because we’re travelling back in time five years to a much gentler time with a much fatter and much balder me…

If you don’t know who Jimmy McMillan is – stop right now and educate yourself about one of the founding fathers of New York City Politics! Forget about Hamilton and learn about something important! You can’t go wrong backing a candidate with a background featuring careers as a Karate Expert, R & B Artist, Stripper, Private Investigator, AND creator of The Rent Is Too Damn High Political Party! Get the facts – Jimmy got your backs!

Get the facts – Jimmy got your backs!

It was New York City – Election Night 2012: The world was a different place and politics were politics, but you didn’t actually feel dirty watching the politicians as you do nowadays. Of course, nothing mattered to me as much as the guest of honor at the election night party I’d be attending: none other than Jimmy McMillan! The Rent Was Too Damn High and he was out preaching about it! I was prepped and ready to meet the man, the myth, the legend!

Taking No Shave November to a whole new Level!

I’d written about Jimmy before and was a fan, but I went with limited expectations as sometimes with these networking events, you don’t actually get to meet the person; who knew my humble dream was about to come true! I got to meet Jimmy and snap a few pictures with him and he was charismatic and funny, and a literal chick magnet as tons of hot young girls were just hanging all over him! He was crazy as all get out, and the longer I stayed and chatted, the more stories he told; I was captivated and hanging on every word. He was crazy and outrageous, and the stories were unbelievable, yet I couldn’t turn away from him or his handler (yes he had a handler, a man who during the day was a professional working for JP Morgan, but working for Jimmy is his “passion project” whatever the hell that means).

I told him that I’d written about him and that I was the Immodium Abuser. He asked what I’d written so I showed him – not remembering that in the very first paragraph I’d compared his goatee to two giant fuzzy white testicles resting on his chin and said he was wearing OJ Simpson gloves. Anyone else might have had the sense to stop reading, but when did sense ever stop me. Besides that, he thought it was hilarious. That’s when the true irony of the situation struck me like a lightning bolt: there I was explaining to a crazy person as if I were the sane one – that I call myself Immodium Abuser and write crazy stories and then I proceed to read him something I’d written about him and his nose hair. Basically he was watching the train wreck the same way I was: we each looked across and instantly saw another lunatic just like us realizing that crazy really does radiate towards crazy!

Jimmy asked me if I knew why he hadn’t been in the public eye so much lately and I told him that I just assumed it was because he lost the election, but he leaned in and said it was much more serious than that: he’d had major surgery to remove shrapnel in his stomach. “Oh my God” I said – “did you get shot?” “No” he told me “it’s from an old wound from the Vietnam War…They had to put magnets down my throat to get that shrapnel out. The magnets were tied to a string and they had to go in and out and remove them one by one that way. I was awake the whole time.” The handler kept nodding along and interjecting throughout the story adding “mmmhmmm – I was there – it was touch and go – mmmhmmm – we almost lost him – touch and go.”

“What?” I asked “How was it touch and go? He just said he was awake the whole time? That’s not touch and go. Also, what kind of magnets were they using – they must have been really strong…and what kind of string were they tied to? Like kite string? Yarn? How did they get it down your throat? Who did this surgery – are you sure they were a doctor?” I had a million questions that I was shooting out rapid fire to try and clear it up and make heads or tails if what they were telling me, but the answers seemed even more incredible and crazy than the original story and the two of them kept laughing at me as if I was the crazy one there…Seriously though, what kind of string could they have used? I was just picturing him lying there while the doctor was using a kid’s toy like this:

We had a blast and laughed a lot but the night was coming to a close as Jimmy was telling me how he was getting a car sponsored with The Rent is Too Damn High logo wrapped around it and I was thinking I should get one with Imodium Abuser on it. Then I think that I actually might have offered to volunteer for the next campaign (which I would do in a heartbeat by the way) as we said our goodbyes…I was drunk and had a long train ride home ahead of me, but I knew deep in my soul this was a great night that I’d never forget. I thought he would be crazy and fun in person, but he was out in orbit and I loved every minute!

Although Jimmy McMillan isn’t running for Mayor again, he is running for City Council in New York City today, so what better time to revisit that night we met…Hopefully you voted today and remembered the reason for the voting season: The Rent is Too Damn High!!! I don’t get any special compensation if you buy these, but these dolls make a great Holiday gift for everyone on your list:

LINK TO THE ABSOLUTE BEST JIMMY McMILLAN MUSIC VIDEO EVER!!!

www.immodiumabuser.com

AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.

Too crazy to classify

It’s Bubbe’s Berfday

I thought I’d get Harry Smotter when I read the books, but I’m just as Dumbledore as before…

CelebriTuesdays: Mueller Said Knock You Out! Forget the Russians – He needs to shift his focus to LL Cool J & investigate why this Dude doesn’t age!

The Sea was angry that day my friends – My Costanza moment finally arrived!!!

CelebriTuesdays: I missed out on Dan, but got to meet Roseanne!

CelebriTuesdays: Just in time for the Roseanne reboot, me and Sandra Bernhard had a meet-cute!

Here is the church and here is the steeple – why is the mailman stealing my People?

CelebriTuesdays: Wanna hear a story? I met NeNe & N.O.R.E.!

CelebriTuesdays: Mirren, Mirren on the wall – Helen’s the fairest Dame of all! (and Donald Sutherland too)

CelebriTuesdays: I felt The Big Sick after Kumail’s egregious Oscar snub!

CelebriTuesdays: 2017 review – I saw more stars this year than McGregor did after Mayweather finished him off…

CelebriTuedays: Jimmy McMillan – The Rent is Too Damn High guy is Super Fly!

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