I made a stupid, amateur move last week: I was texting when I should have been paying attention and a huge catastrophe happened: I missed getting a picture of Larry David. I wouldn’t have been able to get one with him as he was rushing out of there like he stole something, but I couldn’t gave at least gotten a shot of that fabulous bald crown! Stupid texts!
I was texting my friend Beena back about things that definitely could have waited but I thought I had more time when the commotion started as he came out and was rushing to the car. It took me far too long to realize and react to what was going on; although I tried to get my phone out of text mode and over to camera mode, it wasn’t to be as he was just too fast for me. I realize the absolute absurdity of that statement because basically a 70 year old man outran me…I should have been on my game, and now I know that when they say texting can wait – they mean it!
I was happy that I did at least get to see him in all his neurotic glory in person, but I didn’t get a snap. Normally my cat-like reflexes kick in, but apparently, this feline must have been asleep. I followed him to his car and tried to get a quick shot, but his people were maneuvering so fast. I was right there, but it was like little bald Larry shouted “cover me” and all of a sudden from out of nowhere, there was a bright red ass in between us! They have facial recognition software so advanced now, but the posterior recognition technology is severely lacking. Forget Amber and consider this my Imodium Ambutt Alert to help me identify this backside so she can help me get a message to Larry about how we need to connect.
Just like Jimmy Kimmel did to Larry and Larry did to Suzie in the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm – I was Foisted! They got a bum assistant thrust upon them, while I just got an assistant’s Bum thrust on me! It’s not like I can brag and tell people – “look right past that red ass and you can see Larry’s shoe and the crest of his bald scalp!” That could be my bald scalp in the car and no one would know.
I have been speculating for some time now, but I’m pretty sure Larry David is really my father. Don’t see the resemblance between us: I’m bald, have terrible eyesight and once stepped over a woman that had fallen into the tracks on Amtrak without ever considering offering to assist because I didn’t want to miss the train…No one likes to ever think bad things about their own mother, but who could blame any young woman for not being able to resist that Mack Daddy’s considerable charms back in the day? Homeboy had some mad game! If I find out he was hanging out at the Central Islip bowling alley back in the 70’s I’m definitely calling Maury and getting a cheek swab from him! I was going to start a website to keep people informed of my progress with Larry, but http://www.islarrydavidmydad.com was already taken!
Help me out and let’s get this mysterious red bottom trending on Twitter until she gets me a tete-a-tete with Larry. If you recognize that bottom, tag her and put me in contact. If not, share it and maybe a friend will claim that backside. If you own that bottom, don’t be afraid – I’m harmless. Families should be together and one day, Larry and I are gonna look back on this and plotz!
Larry – let’s meet like Cary Grant & Deborah Kerr planned to in An Affair to Remember except, not in a romantic way, not at the top of the Empire State Building as I don’t really care for heights, and let’s look both ways before crossing. We can meet at the finish line of the NYC Marathon Sunday November 5th. I’ll be about 43,000 people back from the front – you can’t miss me as I’ll be the chubby guy leaving an oil slick of sweat through Central Park and you can present my medal to me as if I were in the Olympics! You can hum the Chariots of Fire Theme song and I’ll already be running in slow motion. Afterwards, we can compare forehead sunburn stories and hit up the Who’syourdaddy.com DNA truck on Lexington Avenue for a quick check then head to dinner. I’d say we could go and have a catch like Kevin Costner and his dad in Field of Dreams, but then I’d need bug spray and who wants to hang out in a creepy field anyway? I know what can happen there – I saw Signs!
I was bummed about Larry and didn’t see how I could possibly cheer myself up, when there was another small commotion shortly after: Nicole’s here, Nicole’s here…That was all I needed to hear and instinct kicked in! I pushed past a few people to get to the car thinking this is how the universe will make it up to me for missing Larry David’s picture – and then she came out of the car. I thought when people were clamoring about Nicole that it was Ms. Kidman which set my heart racing and sent me pushing, as there’s always “The One” and for me, it’s her. When it turned out to actually be Nicole Richie and not Nicole Kidman, I had now pushed my way through other people like an animal and couldn’t pretend that I didn’t like her as much because I’d seem like a lunatic so I asked for a picture.
She smiled and posed and I was like “you look great” although I wanted to take the Clif bar out of my bag and feed it to her or put it into the pocket of that Jacket she obviously borrowed from Cruella De Ville. I was trying to get my good selfie face on and not think about the stroke face I was sporting in the picture with her father Lionel when I tried to sing and be funny but, alas, this face can only do so much. I was so worried about my expression looking weird, that I didn’t even worry about the shining spotlight reflecting off of my own bald head – it was as if I’d gotten Larry David in the photo after all!