CelebriTuesdays: I felt The Big Sick after Kumail’s egregious Oscar snub!

January 31, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

I know what you’re thinking: the Oscars always omit deserving nominees and even though the field was expanded to include more films, this year is no different. How can the Academy legitimately present the best films and egregiously omit Kumail Nanjiani’s best work on the movie screen: Poop Talk? That’s obviously much more fun to talk about than me following after him down half a block to get a photo with him…

If you thought I was referring to The Big Sick, you might be sorry you clicked here. That’s also a really amazing film, but if I’m honest – it kind of pales in comparison to the depths of emotion and honesty that Nanjiani shows in Poop Talk. Forget about Holly Hunter and Ray Romano, this is the real deal – the meat and potatoes if you will. No, I am not making this shit up and you won’t see anything more real on your screen this year. There are no avian females or billboards here, but there are plenty of comedians and experts dropping their truth while celebrating the very last taboo: poop talk.

I will admit that when I first heard about Poop Talk, I was a tad bit offended that I was excluded from participating in the making of this masterpiece. Could there really be a better “expert” on the complex intricacies of number two than moi? I don’t think so and it’s shocking anyone else could either. That being said, since I am a part-time mature adult, I took a cue from Elsa and Let it Go. Also, I thought I’d channel these feelings of exclusion and abandonment into focusing on getting myself a role in the inevitable sequel which they should make just for the title alone: Poop Talk: Number 2 – Dance til I Puma Pants! It’s toilet porn with a lot more corn and you bet your sweet bippy I want in on that!

Poop Talk is in movie theatres and Video on Demand on ITunes on February 18th so get that Valentine’s Day Shopping done right now – who needs flowers or jewelry, when this is the gift that will show the depts. Of your affection. It’s guaranteed to bring out the smiles and laughter and I heard that Meryl Streep actually said it moved her like nothing has in the past few years. She also could have been talking about Nanjiani’s chili moving through her which would make more sense, but who am I to argue with her Streep-ness? Full disclosure, no one has ever heard her say anything like that, but it does sound like something she might say or it’s more likely that if the Dingo that ate her baby could talk, this is exactly what it would say…

In all seriousness, we should feel extremely fortunate because it’s not very often that you see an Oscar nominee chatting it up about dookies. In a perfect world, The Big Sick would win the Best Original Screenplay Oscar next month if only so that he could rush the stage extolling the virtues of poop and Imodium…I’m rooting for you Kumail – now let’s hang out and swap shitting stories Buddy! Friends talk about the jobs and family, but Best Friends talk about poop and boy have I got a shitload of stories for you!

This has nothing to do with this post, but I would never be able to use this bathroom!

Poop Talk trailer here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IrzZ0ceFyRY

CelebriTuesdays: Oh Mo She Didn’t! Beat me with a hairbrush and call me Precious – I met Mo’Nique!!!

January 24, 2018September 11, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

Dreams come true people, dreams come true. Last week, I sent a message out to the universe to meet Mo’Nique the Oscar winner from Precious, and just like in The Secret, they sent her to me. OK, full disclosure, I did ask the universe to also have her hit me and call me Precious while she was pummeling me, but sometimes you can’t be greedy and just getting a picture is enough. More importantly, I want you to take every single thing you have heard about Mo’Nique and toss it aside because I’m here to tell you that this woman is really awesome!

I’m a nightmare because technology is no friend of mine and by technology I really mean the complicated things to manage such as the camera on your phone. When I say this, I’m not exaggerating and as my friend Forrest said “I’m not a smart man.” I literally have no right to ever make fun of my mother-in-law for not being able to cut and paste when I can’t even work the damn camera on my phone. I have taken thousands of photos and still, I get myself into a state of confusion and even the simplest of pictures goes off the rails and looks like shit or doesn’t take. You may be reading this and wondering how it relates to Mo’Nique, but it does.

When you meet a famous person and they agree to take a photo with you, it’s not like you have an endless amount of time – they’re not going to stand around and wait all day. Your friends wouldn’t stand around and wait, so you can’t expect that a stranger will either. You have to be ready for the picture and most importantly, you need to be respectful of their time as this is an awesome thing they’re doing which they really don’t have to! That being said, I had a technological breakdown of sorts and of course it happened when it was my turn with Mo’nique. OK, that last bit just sounded a little dirtier than I meant it to, but you know what I’m getting at and thankfully there’s No’Nique to worry about mechanical issues with that equipment if you know what I’m saying 😉

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If only I was this cool…

Anyway, as I walked over with the crowd of people asking for pictures, Mo’Nique could not have been nicer. She was hanging out, chatting everyone up, hugging everyone, just not in a rush and making sure that everyone got a picture with her. She was smiling and kind and seriously, just a sweetie. I have been doing this long enough to know when someone doesn’t want to be bothered and she was awesome. So there she is, taking nice pictures with everyone and there was a bunch of people around; TMZ was waiting to interview her and her bodyguard was trying to get her to their car – when it was finally my turn…

I’m almost embarrassed to share this video as I usually like you to think I’m a pretty cool dude, but it’s worth a good chuckle to see how flustered I got and what a fool I actually look and sound like. Pay attention to the facial expressions on the girl in the background waiting her turn and just looking at me like I’m such a moron. When it was finally my turn, I suddenly got flustered and all worked up because the camera on my phone was on video – not photo – and I couldn’t get it to switch back or take the picture. I thought for sure I’d miss my chance and that my Precious moment was over before it had even started. I could see the annoyed looks on the faces of the people waiting around me and actually having been in their shoes before, I know how it is to not get a photo because someone was taking too long with camera issues. Mo’Nique could have just blown me off and walked away and she probably should have, but she didn’t. She was really nice and truthfully, she probably thought I was slow or something was definitely wrong with me since little children can use camera phones without issue and here was an adult that couldn’t even snap a simple God Damn photo. It was as if it was the first time I’d ever seen a camera phone…

I’m not saying it was like when I was mistaken for a retarded person twice, but the looks on crowd’s faces were similar. She was like “OK Baby” and then she was like “Are you sure? Come on” and then she came back over to me after taking someone else’s picture and took one with me. Success! Seriously thought, it was very cool of her to do that and people don’t normally care if you got a picture or not. They’re usually rushing to get to their next appearance and basically, it’s really awkward to stand around with strangers gawking and snapping pictures.

This was a semi-disaster, but luckily it worked out. It was my own hubris biting me in the ass as I was starting to feel confident that my photography skills had been improving, and then another stumble. You may look at some of my photos and think they’re not half bad, but here’s a few you haven’t seen:

I’m lucky I can work the remote for our television, so I’m not expecting anything artistic or even trying filters, but a person should be able to at least get a decent shot of two people standing next to each other. I mean come on – it’s actually getting worse now. Look at these – just how does someone try for a selfie with Seal and end up with a picture of their shoe? Or sidle up to Taron Egerton for a shot and end up with a picture of Grey Man the good ghost? It’s like I don’t have control of my faculties or my fingers…just pathetic photo skills.

I appreciate her being nice and spending a little time with me, especially since Mo’Nique has been getting a bad rap lately with Netflix trying to pay her less than other comedians for a Stand-up special. I say, who cares what you were thinking Netflix – this is a PR nightmare and, more importantly, she’s an Oscar Winner! Mo’Nique needs to have her Golden Globe made into a giant ring like something Elizabeth Taylor would have worn and turn that Oscar into a headpiece like they wear to Ascot so she can rock them and remind Netflix that if a woman of color can beat the odds and make it all the way to the podium at the Academy Awards, skimping out on paying her fairly is not gonna fly!

I’ve only had this one interaction with her, but she left a great impression with me and the crowd – she was sweet and so patient with everyone (ahem, me). Some of the other people getting pictures have met her before and said that she’s been a sweetheart every single time they’ve seen her. Of course, there are always two sides to every story, but cut her some slack and give her the benefit of the doubt. Also, Netflix pay the woman what she’s worth! If for no other reason than it’s the right thing to do, please do it because she will whup your ass like Precious if you don’t!

Well isn’t she Sweet, Sheryl Lee Ralph liked my tweet!

January 18, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

I posted my CelebriTuesdays: Dreamgirls Edition about meeting Sheryl Lee Ralph and Anika Noni Rose and wouldn’t you know it – not even a full day later Sheryl Lee Ralph liked one my Tweets!

She posted a picture of her trying on her friend Gary’s crazy pink furry hat and it would have been extremely rude of me not to tell her how good it looked – so I did. And then she would have been extremely rude not to like said tweet – which she did. It’s basic math: 1 + 1 = 2 or Sheryl + Immodium Abuser = now we’re best friends.

Separately from what an awesome picture it is, exactly where was Gary and his hat when I saw her? Seems like he’s been holding back on the goods and that just ain’t right – friends don’t hold back. Obviously, Gary isn’t a very good friend and the whole thing just seems a little selfish if you ask me; might be time to trade out Gary for Immodium. Most importantly what we’ve learned is that Sheryl Lee Ralph has a bag man named Gary just like Selena Meyer does and that is totally awesome!

Sheryl, I want to be your next Gary the Bag Man!

My wife thinks the best part of this whole scenario is that anyone, nonetheless a classy wonderful woman like this, would like anything I tweet when my profile picture is so absolutely ridiculous. I take it for granted because it’s been the profile picture for so long and I don’t judge people based on their looks, but I can see how some people might be put off by the self portrait I use for my profile:

My actual Twitter profile picture from way back in my modeling days.

Keep coming back each and every week to hear about my celebrity stalkings, I mean sightings. I’m super excited about tomorrow because Mo’Nique is supposed to be in town. One part of me wants to get a picture with her, but a bigger part of me is dying to whip out a wooden hairbrush and see if she’ll wallop me like Precious in the movie.

Forget throwing a shoe at Jennifer Hudson, if I can get Mo’Nique to whup me something fierce with that brush – consider the mic dropped. Nothing can top that. obviously, my wife is in disagreement with me about the merits of this plan, but the really scary part of this is that she’s really crazy so she actually might do it! Guess you’ll have to just come back next week and see if I got the brush off or not. Either way, Sheryl Lee Ralph – let’s keep working on our new friendship and don’t be stingy with that like button! No pressure Anika Noni Rose, don’t feel forced to like me and my tweets because Sheryl did…

CelebriTuesdays: Dreamgirls Edition – Sheryl Lee Ralph & Anika Noni Rose!

January 18, 2018January 18, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 5 Comments

It wasn’t a Dream when I saw these Girls! In December, I saw the star of the Broadway version of Dreamgirls – Sheryl Lee Ralph – and today I saw the Dreamgirls star from the movie version – Anika Noni Rose. As lucky as that is, even better was the fact that both pictures came out great!

Normally, I’d be making a weird face in these pictures because I’m a fool that thinks these wonderful performers are just waiting for me to waltz on up and serenade them. The story would have been a whole lot more interesting had I strutted over purring “It’s more than you. It is more than me. No matter what we are, we are a family…” but my wife has finally got it through my thick skull after all these years that no one (and she really stressed the words as she said it) NO ONE wants to hear me sing. Lesson learned, because when I tried to explain that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, she informed me that my singing is actually mutilation, not imitation. The last time I tried to sing for my wife was New Year’s Eve 2001 when I drunkenly convinced the band that I was actually a lounge singer and would love to serenade the love of my life for the crowd. They somehow believed that nonsense and thought it was really romantic until they saw the sea of about 200 blank stares looking up at me as I mangled the first verse of “If You Say My Eyes are Beautiful.” That’s when they abruptly ripped the microphone out of my hand and said “why don’t you guys dance instead of singing” which elicited thunderous applause from the crowd for some reason. True artists are often misunderstood, but in retrospect – maybe a Whitney Houston love Duet wasn’t the right choice for my vocal range. Either way, my wife has instructed me to never, ever, ever sing in public again so the Dreamgirls were spared my Effie imitations…

When I saw Sheryl Lee Ralph, she was taking pictures of the huge Christmas Tree in the lobby and I felt bad bothering her. She was really trying to get the perfect shot and must have taken ten pictures. Similar to me, the Christmas Tree was overgrown and much too wide to fit in most standard camera frames – so I don’t blame her for trying to get the right angle. . . Since she was so fantastic as Claudette on Ray Donovan, I was dying to ask what Jon Voight is really like and then I wanted to ask her about the anniversary revival of Thoroughly Modern Millie they’re doing, but she was really fixated on getting that shot of the tree. Practice makes perfect because her shots came out great – these are taken from her Instagram:

She was very cool, kind, and patient with me and also with the Christmas Tree, so I stopped myself from asking to try that fur coat on (I know I don’t need to remind you how good I look in fur)!

When I saw the other Dreamgirl, Anika Noni Rose, she was hobbling around in a walking cast yet still took time to stop and take pictures with everyone. She was such a sweetheart and as a person that’s broken the same ankle two years in a row on the same exact day (both alcohol related), I can tell you how hard it is to get around. For her to stop, chat, and take pictures while she was obviously uncomfortable was seriously awesome and much appreciated!

Anika is a Broadway veteran who snared the Tony Award for Caroline or Change, but was also in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, A Raisin in the Sun, and the movie version of Dreamgirls with an up-and-comer named Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson. She also made history as Tiana, Disney’s first Black princess, in The Princess and the Frog to the delight of kids everywhere.

I’m on a Dreamgirls roll here and don’t worry, I’ve started walking around with one shoelace untied for when I see Jennifer Hudson and need to get it off quick; J-HUD throwing a shoe! Hey J-HUD – Forget The Voice and let’s get a date on the calendar to meet up: I’ll bring and share my imodium and you bring and share your Oscar and extra shoes!

CelebriTuesdays: I almost Kimmy Schmidt my pants when I saw them filming!

January 11, 2018January 11, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

As I was walking to work, I passed by a ton of extras and a big camera crew, so I stopped to see what was going on when low and behold, they were filming Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt! Obviously, I normally stalk and get pictures with stars, but this was a totally unexpected surprise like when you find lint in your belly button. You don’t know how it got there, but all of a sudden – poof, it’s there and you smile at the wonders of the universe.

They were filming a scene with Josh Charles and it was burning up inside me not to be able to shout out about the elephant in the room: Josh Charles is basically me with hair. Toss a rug on my noggin and you’d see non-stop camera flashes all over the place. They were filming a scene where his character gets arrested and of course I was stalking as close as I could, when he saw me and walked over and said “What’s up man” then shook my hand. How awesome is he? Such a cool dude and really nice too. I’m sure he only came over because looking at me must have been like looking right in the mirror since he wasn’t doing that to everyone. It took everything inside me not to ask for a quick selfie, but they were in the middle of filming the scene and even I’m not that much of a jerk to interrupt their shooting; besides, I did get a few pictures and videos of him anyway.

Here’s a video of Josh on the set!

Long-lost-brothers? Click here for another Josh Charles video from the set

I watched for a while and then went to work and told my friend Teenie about the filming when I saw her later on. She loves Josh Charles so it only took about three seconds before we grabbed our coats and were back to the set for visit number two. By this time, they’d moved on and were now filming Jane Krakowski steps away from where we were standing and Josh was nowhere to be seen. Since I’d already seen him and love me some Krakowski, I was happy and trying to be nonchalant and point Jane out. She didn’t see her and I tried to be subtle and whisper “There’s Jane…There’s Jane…There’s Jane…” and nodding my head to point her out, but she wasn’t getting the hint. I would’ve had a better shot getting through to Sally Hawkins mute Janitor from The Shape of Water than get through to Teenie as she looked around confused as to where I meant. It was like the blind leading the blind-folded, and finally, I was like “She’s right there” and pointed. Once again, part of me wanted to rush her and snap a pic, but the rules of decency and common sense prevailed so we just creepily took about forty pictures of her filming. I know it is so unlike me to show restraint, but I can sometimes control myself.

After watching for a while, we went back to work satisfied that I got another celebrity fix and I did what every little Yenta does – alerted Facebook to my activities. Obviously, if it isn’t on Facebook – it didn’t really happen so who was I to withhold? Shortly after posting, my cousin Lloyd (not Lloyd Garmadon from Ninjago, although it would be really cool if we were related) saw my post and let me know that his daughter (my second cousin) was actually working on the set in Craft Services. She was on the set! Let’s digest this and stop the presses, shall we: Lloyd, you kinda buried the lead. Why did I find out such important information after the fact? I don’t wanna put you on the spot or make you feel bad, but you know I’m a stalker – get your head in the game!

My cousin Lloyd

Obviously, it would have been rude of me to stay at work and just go about my business as if I didn’t know that someone in my family (my blood for God’s sake!) was right down the street. Who was I to not go and say Hi – I’m not a rude person. On the flip side, my wife was not really being very supportive when I shared this surprising familial reunion news with her: “Do not go to that set again! Go back to work and stop it with that set! You’re gonna get arrested and do not get that girl in trouble – she’s working! Leave Josh Charles alone – You do not look like him and they’re gonna Kick the Kimmy Schmidt out of you if you go back there!” (Ok, so she didn’t really say that last part, but I’m pretty sure she was thinking it – Haters Gonna Hate and all that.)

Ok guys, you when your wife tells you something that makes sense and sounds like the right thing to do, you listen and think it over and then you do what you’re told. It’s serious and they mean business…and I’d say normally that’s true, but when they’re filming a TV show you like down the street – all bets are off. And it was at that very moment that I just so happened to realize that I needed Breath Savers from Duane Reade, which just happened to also be down the street near where they’re filming. More importantly, family is more important than anything. Granted, I had never met this cousin and didn’t know what she looked like and more importantly, I really didn’t want to get her fired or scare her just because I’m a lunatic. So I did one more pass by the set and treaded lightly so as not to arouse suspicion or security personnel and it’s a good thing I did!

I didn’t see my cousin, once again, it’s hard to identify someone you’ve literally never seen and don’t know what she looks like except that she’s wearing a sweater and jeans. (That narrows it down, it’s a movie set – everyone’s wearing a sweater and jeans.) So we didn’t see her, but we did get to see Sheri Foster, who plays Krakowski’s mother Fern on the show. Teenie didn’t want to bother her and I was like “What? We can definitely bother her – she’ll love it!” And, she did. She was so cool and sweet and very gracious chatting it up and snapping a few pics with us.

So the message we learn in this episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is that family come first! If you’re stalking and your kin is steps away from the action – they need to let someone know! That’s the only useful feature of Facebook: I don’t wanna see your kid’s baseball pictures or cat memes or hear how hard work is today – Keep it real and let me know stalker updates or I’m going to have to unfriend you!

Taron gave me a lot of Eger-tention today!

January 3, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 6 Comments

You never know what people will like as you’re writing it; I’ve written things that I think are hysterical and gotten no response whatsoever but, today, I’ve gotten more love and page views than any other since I started this site in March of 2010. My CelebriTuesdays post on Taron Egerton was a hit I guess. I’d like to thank my loyal Immodium Abusers around the world like Annie Smack that Fannie, AJ, Don, Steve, and today especially, I want to thank all my South Korean Peeps! What up to all you crazy little souls out there in Seoul?

Today alone, there were almost 100 South Korean views – I’m assuming it’s the North Koreans rushing the border to get on non-restricted internet to sign up for my posts. Mention one little Fatwa from Kim Jong Un, and all of a sudden peeps are hopping the border to come check me out. Obviously, if I go missing tomorrow, someone should immediately call the Secret Service, but I’m seriously considering calling President Trump and offering my talents to replace Dennis Rodman as the new Peace Ambassador. I bet we can settle this nuke dispute over a few of my crazy stories and a couple of Imodium tabs? Sing it with me: “All we are say-ing, is give Imodium a Chance!”

Most of my readers usually come from The United States, but today I was all over the globe: over 100 views each from Japan and The United Kingdom, but I see you peeps out there in Bangladesh, Serbia, and South Africa reading me too. I’m ready for my world tour like Eva Peron!

I can see the search terms people are looking for when they stumble upon this little site and the top two are usually rugby bulges thanks to my crazy friend Weezy and Mywifesmom.com thanks to my mother-in-law! Obviously, I’m not writing rugby or in-law porn, at least not yet (you can never say never), but my crazy little stories attract all sorts and show up in the craziest of places. Every once in a while, I try to see how people reading my stuff found me and you can forget about rugby bulges and dirty pictures with my wife’s mom, I should have been writing about Taron Egerton all this time…

Still, that doesn’t explain my South Korean surge today, but I’ll take it. Years from now, we’ll probably find out I’m the Searching for Sugarman of South Korea! If you’re one of those crazy folks in Bulgaria searching for rugby bulges and this site shows up – you are certainly in for an unexpected treat! Obviously, I have a little work to do to up my anemic fan base in New Zealand, but come on – they’re still holding a grudge against me because I didn’t like the Lord of the Rings movies – you gotta let it go like Elsa, you crazy Kiwis!

Apparently, Taron Egerton doesn’t just play an international superstar in the movies – he really is. Separate from the people that liked and retweeted my original post, @DailyTaronNews retweeted me twice and then sent out my link to score me all kinds of love and over 115 likes – thanks guys! They’re the most up to date daily Twitter source for all things Taron and they obviously have great taste – Go follow them!

Obviously, the next logical step is to have me play Friar Tuck opposite Taron’s Robin Hood…Let’s make it happen people because if you keep giving me this kind of affection – this site might turn into Full-time Taron Fan Fiction! While you’re here – follow the site so you never miss an update!

CelebriTuesdays: Taron Egerton – The Kingsman Spy meets the Immodium Guy!

January 2, 2018January 2, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

As a Dad, I’ve accepted the fact that there will be very few times in my life when my kids will actually think I’m cool, but meeting Taron Egerton – Johnny the Gorilla from Sing – was one of them.

My boys are very musical and the Sing soundtrack is on constant rotation; they like Taron’s voice and don’t realize yet that he’s not just a singing gorilla, but also a talented actor.

Taron Egerton was promoting Kingsman: The Golden Circle on The Today Show when he stopped to sign autographs and take pictures with everyone. He was a very cool guy and just seemed to be really enjoying his fans – remind me to mirror this behavior when I become a household name. He’s a class act for sure.

A) I don’t mind that he leaned down in this one because it makes me look a little taller and B) what’s wrong with my face?

Check out Taron and Colin Firth in Kingsman: The Golden Circle, streaming now on ITunes or head over to your local supermarket to pick it up if you’re like me and still like to rent an actual DVD from the Red Box.

Speaking of Red Box, who named that? It sounds like it should be a Russian snuff film. “Wanna look in my Red Box tonight?” Now that’s a pickup line and, seriously, how are they not using that as the marketing slogan? Now that you mention the Reds, watch out before Putin interferes and “elects” Ivan Drago and Rocky IV to the top of the rental charts…

Nothing is safe anymore – you gotta be careful with that kind of stuff. That’s also the reason I still won’t watch The Interview with James Franco and Seth Rogen. Besides the fact that it looks awful, do you think I want Kim Jong Un mad at me and trying to take out the Immodium Abuser? I’d have my very own “Fatwa! The Musical” like Larry David!

Enjoy and look out for him later this year as the titular hero in Robin Hood along with Jamie Foxx.

ROBIN HOOD Robin (Taron Egerton)

I’ve been told that Blurry is my best side…

CelebriTuesdays: 2017 review – I saw more stars this year than McGregor did after Mayweather finished him off…

December 27, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

It’s that time to look back and reflect on what I’ve done and accomplished over the past year and plan how to better move forward in the year ahead. I’m normally not the type to reflect back and learn any lessons from my behavior, but if this year is any indication – I have a lot of work to do in 2018.

Forget about personal development or being a better person, I’m talking about the important things like quicker camera reflexes and stealth dodging in between publicists or personal assistants. In 2018, my camera skills are gonna be on point!

My new go to pose! My 2018 selfies are gonna be off the chain!

Not to brag too much, but I did get lucky a lot this year. I got to meet a bunch of cool celebrities and whether you attribute that to the luck of the Irish, the power of the Imodium or just the sheer tenacity of a stalker; it was a banner year in a lot of ways. If for nothing else, any year in which I got to see my Larry David in person (even if I did miss snapping a pic because I broke the cardinal rule of no texting while stalking) is a success.

Love this! I’d do the same thing…

Despite my best efforts, there were a few mishaps along the way (besides me looking like I was mid-seizure while singing Say You to Lionel Richie-which he didn’t seem to appreciate as much as I thought he should have) For instance, I got cocky with Seal. There he was just a few feet from me taking pictures with a bunch of fans, when he abruptly stopped the pictures and said he had to go. I don’t know if he could tell that I was seconds away from bursting out “You’re never gonna survive, uuuuunless, we get a little craaaazyyyy!!!” or if he just took one look at me and knew no good could come of encouraging a lunatic like this, but I was denied and he passed me by. He wasn’t being dickish and probably was in a rush or maybe he was hungry (even Seals need to eat too) or maybe he had to take a shit or any of the myriad reasons one doesn’t want to be bothered in public by strangers, but I wasn’t prepared for his abrupt halt to the proceedings. My phone was on selfie mode with the camera facing me so by the time I turned it to front facing, this was all I could get because I was looking at him and didn’t want to walk into the window:

Look at that jaw and jacket – who else could it be?

If you look at that jaw and the jacket and pants – who else could it be but Seal? He got into his car and poof – he was gone. Seals on the beach are kinda slow moving, but when Seal’s in the Sirius lobby he’s pretty damn fast.

I was at The Today Show one morning feeling great about the good shot I got with Pablo Pascal when I turned and Luke Wilson was right next to me about to enter the building. I could only say “Luke” and try to get my phone out for a picture, but he just smiled and walked away. Normally, the celebrities pull up and unload on the curb, but he just walked up unencumbered and casual. He was promoting the film Brad’s Status, but guess who wasn’t promoting Tony’s status that day? Luke Wilson.

There were a few times when my impatience or the poor timing of Metro North’s morning trains (or as I refer to it – Satan’s sleigh) get the better of me and I missed J.B. Smoove, Naomi Judd, Drew Barrymore, and Carol Burnett. I don’t get myself down about the ones I let get away, I focus on the ones I’ll see tomorrow. Like Annie sang “The stars will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar I’ll be stalking, all day long…”

When I saw Scott Ian from Anthrax, he wasn’t taking picture because he was with his son and wife, Pearl Aday (Meat Loaf’s daughter – Little Baby Loaf. No really, she is the actual daughter of the Loaf). They didn’t want to take pictures with their kid which I fully respect and believe it or not, even I have limits and never tread on that. Children are sacred and I never bother anyone with kids because it’s really not cool. When they were bringing Kelly Clarkson’s daughter into The Today Show, some people were snapping away, but seriously – who does that? A) it’s a baby leave her alone and B) that could be my baby – you can’t identify any baby from a quick snap while they’re walking past so fast…

Scott Ian of Anthrax and Ms Loaf herself, Pearl Aday

Some people draw a bigger crowd than others and I’m not normally one to compare size, but there is a certain appeal when you’re rocking a huge crowd. But as my wife constantly reassures me, it’s not the size of your crowd – it’s what you do with it that matters. There was no one around when I saw Liev Schreiber and Cat Stevens and they were both awesome. Small crowds, but big personalities and I wasn’t disappointed. The opposite was true of Charlize Theron. Hot as can be and she was packing a big crowd, but no one was getting near her and she wasn’t stopping for anyone.

I’m not sure if this is actually a selfie with her and I, but we are both technically in the picture together so I’m gonna say it counts.

My biggest faux pas, was my most recent. I saw one of the regular security guards from the building rush up and ask for a photo with this guy and his entourage. He happily obliged and they even got all festive-like and took it by the Lobby Christmas Tree. Seeing this occur, me and some of the other regulars went over and waited our turn to meet him, exchange pleasantries, and snap away. It wasn’t until all of us (SEVEN PEOPLE MIND YOU) had taken pictures with him and compared notes outside that we realized there wasn’t one of us that knew who he was. Seriously, we had all just bum rushed someone to take a picture with us by the Christmas Tree with no idea who it was. This isn’t a strange occurrence, as sometimes one person will recognize someone and then we will tell the others afterwards if they don’t know them (like what happened with the people from Love & Hip Hop). It has never happened where none knew who it was. When I met him, I didn’t know who it was but obviously l didn’t want to walk over and say “Hi, can I take a picture with you and then can you tell me who you are?” so I said “I’m Tony, it’s great to meet you.” I thought I was being smooth and that he’d naturally say his name as well, but he only said “Tony, it’s great to meet you – have a great Holiday!”

The security guard didn’t even know and he was the first one to get a picture so I really blame him for this – he told us that he just assumed since he was wearing shades indoors and walking with a bunch of guys that looked like his entourage, that he was probably someone famous. They got into a nice SUV like the celebrities regularly do so he actually might be someone, but my fear is that we bum rushed Jimmy from Accounting on the 23rd floor while he was on the way to his Uber. Let me know if this guy looks familiar to anyone and drop me a line if he does.

So here I am at the end of the year looking over my pictures and working on my posts for next year as I have a bunch of celebrities waiting to have their brushes with Immodium-Abusing infamy told on these hallowed pages. Much more to come my friends – much more to come! Happy New Year and my wish for you is that your hearts be as full this Holiday Season as my stock of Imodium AD is!!!

CelebriTuesdays: Power Ranger Kings to Stranger Things!

December 19, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 5 Comments

Power Rangers kind of came and went out of movie theatres quickly, but I was fortunate enough to snag a few pics with these young up-and-comers. Obviously, meeting me was a good omen for them (or at least that’s the way I’m spinning it). They were in a rush and weren’t going to stop for pictures because they were getting into their cars when I had to do something I’ve never done before: I used my kids to get the picture…

I said “Would you mind taking a quick picture, my boys love Power Rangers and they’d really flip out if I got a picture with you.” Who can say no to that? Do you want to be the Power Ranger that screws a kid over? They acquiesced and while it was true when I said it, I was excited to show the boys to have something they’d like to talk about until I realized that they wouldn’t be able to watch it because it’s geared towards much older kids.

I got the pictures after all, but the kids couldn’t see the movie so it kind of lost the desired effect as they couldn’t identify any of the people I was with. You can see their point, I mean I could start telling people that I’m actually the Green Power Ranger and who’d know the difference? Under that suit and helmet who could really tell who’s who? Full disclosure, it does strain credulity because if you looked at me you’d know it would take much more than movie magic to squeeze my fat ass into a spandex suit and no one wants kids to see that!

Since our chance encounter, Pink Power Ranger Naomi Scott was cast as Jasmine in the live-action version of Aladdin that’s now filming with Will Smith. She was on the short-lived TV show Terra Nova, but I won’t hold that against her. Steven Spielberg may have produced it, but even he couldn’t help the mess that show turned into.

Black Power Ranger Ludi Lin went on to snag a role with Jason Momoa in next year’s Aquaman movie, so he’s not doing too shabby either.

Red Ranger Dacre Montgomery met me and all of a sudden – he’s in cast as Billy in the second season of Stranger Things that just dropped (nominated for a Screen Actor’s Guild Award: Best Drama Ensemble) and he just landed a Russel Crowe movie.

Don’t adjust your eyes – it’s my terrible photo skills at work here!

It’s no longer looks and talent or the luck of the Irish that helps you make it in Hollywood – it’s a handshake from the Immodium Abuser! Make way people, I’m a star maker!

This is Awesome!

Since it’s Christmas – here’s your gift: Me in the Power Ranger Suit:

I’m not being arrogant or anything, but I look almost identical to the Red Ranger from the movie!

Here’s the only Power Rangers team they’d let me be on…

CelebriTuesdays: Anthony Anderson – The Tony or A Golden Globe Award; which one is the real prize?

December 12, 2017December 12, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Receiving a Golden Globe Nomination for Blackish this week is a great honor, but let me tell you about another memorable day in Anthony Anderson’s life – meeting me.

Sure, you can get fame and glory and international recognition with a Golden Globe, but it’s only just a nomination right now – not a win. To be featured along with this Imodium abusing superstar – now that’s the real prize!

Anthony was promoting Blackish on Sirius and rushing out to his car, but did stop for a few quick snaps. He was telling us to take them while he walked with us so they’re not perfect, but he was really cool and nice. It’s also hard to be a jerk when you’re in your comfy clothes rocking Sweatpants and Gold chain casual for your interviews. Comfort is key and that gold chain is probably worth more than my car! He may be a trained actor, but these shots aren’t his best work. On the positive side, look at how well my bathroom selfie practice is paying off: My pics are on point and I owe it all to that midnight mirror practice.

Wishing Anthony Anderson much luck with the Golden Globes and when the Screen Actors Guild Nominees are announced tomorrow, expect him to be there too! Still not better than getting the Tony, but it is a great honor…

Not the best shot, but seriously – I look pretty good!

CelebriTuesdays: Hey Ryan, Leggo my Eggold!

December 5, 2017December 5, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Since they just killed him off on The Blacklist, I thought I’d pay tribute to Tom Keen himself, Ryan Eggold.

He was appearing on The Today Show and couldn’t have been cooler. He stopped to take pictures, sign autographs, and chat it up with everyone. Just a regular everyman who happens to be a TV star.

As he was chatting it up with some fans, I couldn’t help but wonder if killing his character off is payback for last year’s terrible spinoff show Blacklist:Redemption, but why would they bring him back after being off on that train-wreck offshoot just to kill him a few episodes later? It’s not his fault the show was so bad – even John Locke from Lost couldn’t make it watchable!

I’m really not concerned about his death as I probably should be; didn’t they just kill his wife Liz off last year only to bring her back from the dead a few weeks later? We’ll see Tom again as sure as Dembe will nod along giving Red a furtive glance while watching him waxing poetic about a shop girl paramour off the Amalfi coast many moons ago. Dead never means dead for good on shows anymore; I grew up watching the Phoenix himself (Stefano Dimera on Days of our Lives) annually rising back from the ashes. Fear not Eggheads – he’ll be back someday!

CelebriTuesdays: Robert Kirkman – Don’t be a Jerk-Man! The Walking Dead has gone to his head!

November 29, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

You know all of those gracious stars I talk about meeting and taking terrible selfies with each week? This isn’t about one of them. I didn’t realize how lucky I’ve been to have gotten so many encounters with so many people until Elisabeth Shue’d me away and now Robert Kirkman turned into a real Jerk, Man.

If you’re like me, you’re googling to find out who that is because Robert Kirkman isn’t a household name like the Immodium Abuser. He created The Walking Dead based on the comic book series he wrote and, full disclosure, I didn’t know who he was when I saw him. I don’t watch The Walking Dead because honestly, if I wanted to hear about the end of the world and zombie apocalypse I’d tune into CNN when they discuss The White House. When I saw him get out of his car, I thought he might be “somebody” heading into Sirius for an interview, but I didn’t know who it was right away. My interest became piqued when he started covering his face with his arms saying “NO, NO” as if he were Taylor Swift getting mobbed by fans. That’s the best part of it – he’s unrecognizable to the average person on the street and there was NO crowd waiting for him or mobbing him to take pictures. He strolled by our stalking spot while we were waiting for someone else with his hands up which tends to get you noticed.

I can see if this was the crowd waiting for you, but come on…

The only thing missing is the crowd to hide from…

Let’s cover two things here: A) Nobody was even that jazzed up to see him or rushing to snap a pic – not even that crazy lady in the Pokemon shirt and she’s always jazzed up. I only started taking pictures when he started blocking them because I thought he was being crazy for no reason. B) If you’re gonna make such a fuss about people seeing you on the street, then you should enter through the garage or walk up casually and NOT covering your face like Blanket Jackson. Most importantly though, for God’s sake – don’t carry a lunchbox. Just a thought here, but you know who carries a lunchbox, Dude? Children, mentally impaired adults or eccentric weirdos do that. If you’re a high functioning adult still carrying a lunchbox, at least have some self-respect and get a cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or Star Wars themed one. Truth Bomb here, you’re worth twenty million bucks – let’s hire someone to carry that lunchbox around for you immediately!

Apparently, if you ask my brother or his wife – The Walking Dead is amazing and he’s a big deal. Granted, this is from the same people who didn’t like Manchester by the Sea – so their opinion of good quality entertainment is somewhat skewed. That movie tore me up and haunted me for weeks after seeing it, but I was afraid they might have been dead inside after they told me they hated the movie and didn’t feel anything after watching it. Come to think of it, it actually makes sense now: they literally might actually be dead inside and part of the zombie apocalypse. I’ll have to make sure and be careful at Christmas or next thing I know, my sister-in-law will be tearing up our gathering with a barbed wire baseball bat like Negan does on the show if I get mouthy again.

I full realize that no celebrity owes me anything and I don’t expect any of these people to want to waste their time with me and my terrible selfies, but you can be nice and at least smile when you’re going by people! I get it that you were in town for ComiCon and were maybe getting mobbed by Walking Dead Heads, but let me just lay this out here now: when I’m worth twenty million bucks like this schlub – they’re gonna have to chisel the shit-eating grin off my face because I won’t be able to NOT smile.

CelebriTuesdays: Thanksgiving Edition!

November 22, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

In the great spirit of the Thanksgiving season, I’d like to take a moment to quit being selfish in my celeb hunting ways and actually stalk for a good cause: to thank my wife. That may sound strange since I’m actually still stalking people, but the motivation and the intention is there and isn’t that what the holiday season is all about?

As I was chatting with a stalker comrade the other day, he pointed to a couple of women walking by and said “she’s one of the Indigo Girls.” I wasn’t sure if he was kidding (remember, I never believe anything) so I googled her picture to confirm and yep, it was Emily Saliers. I like a few of the band’s songs and although she’s no Gladys Knight – they do a really good rendition of Midnight Train to Georgia (sadly, no Pips were included).

I don’t normally like to think of other people because it’s a lot of effort and at the core of it I’m somewhat selfish, but my wife is kind of amazing! She’s been a long-time fan of the Indigo Girls since before college so I thought it might be cool to get a picture for her. Naturally, in all my overthinking and googling to confirm – Emily was Indigoing on her merry old way. She was halfway down the block by now, so I did the only thing I could do in that situation: I ran.

Emily’s new album is available now!

I’ll concede that maybe not everyone would have ran down the block after her at that point, but don’t judge me – who hasn’t chased an Indigo Girl at least once in their life? I can’t help it – my spidey stalker senses kicked in and I finally caught up to them at the corner. I introduced myself to Emily, but once I opened my mouth the non-stop verbal onslaught of nonsense just came pouring out like a waterfall. I told her what a huge fan my wife Abbey was and that she was actually in the car on the way to the city as we were taking the kids to see Aladdin and she’s loved your music since we were in college and then asked if she wouldn’t mind taking a picture with me. I felt bad bothering her and I’m sure both her and her assistant thought I was a lunatic, but she couldn’t have been cooler. Her assistant snapped a few pictures (thus them coming out OK) and then suggested we take a video message to send to my wife. Who does that? Seriously – how cool is that? The only thing that could have been better would have been her taking out her guitar and strumming a melody, but she’s not a strolling minstrel for God’s sake.

She was so freaking awesome and sent Abbey the following message:

I gave her an Immodium Abuser business card which made her laugh and thanked her profusely as she was so awesome and totally made my wife’s day and then she waltzed away leaving a very grateful man with an awesome video for his wife.

Don’t worry – I didn’t stalk the Genie (but only because the kids were there…)

My wife thought the video was so cool and really got a kick out of it. She very surprised and appreciative for it, but that nice thing I did led to “the talk” which was basically a warning about the hazards of chasing celebrities down the street. She’s made me promise that I won’t do that again or get arrested, but honestly – I’m unlikely to think of anyone else for the next three to six months so I’ve got a little time.

So this might not be the inspirational holiday message you were expecting, but thank you Abbey for being the most amazing person I’ve ever met, giving me three amazing little peanuts, and supporting my Imodium abusing self every step of the way and encouraging me to chase my dreams whether I’m soaking wet and chafed beyond belief during the NYC Marathon or hoofing after celebrities on the street. You’re amazing and I’m Closer to Fine when I’m with you!

Thank you Emily Saliers for being awesome! Here’s what she was recording at Paste Studio in NYC when I saw her:

CelebriTuesdays: Jenna Fischer Ouch! Did Pam from The Office just Crouch?

November 15, 2017November 15, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 10 Comments

Jenna Fischer has a new book out called The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide; it’s about hard work and struggling for years and years until she finally fulfilled her dream and came face to face with the one and only Immodium Abuser! Or it’s about the years of rejection and hardship before she finally made it as an actor in Hollywood – either way a dream was fulfilled….

It was a chilly New York day, until she walked out the door and it was like the sun came out. The door opened and along came Jenna smiling and genuinely surprised to see people waiting for her. Sweet and accommodating, she could not have been nicer – just like when she played Pam on The Office!

Vertical profiling in full effect! Any guess which one I’m forced to use unless I want to commit Testicular Manslaughter and find my balls resting on the ice cold ceramic ledge.

She came right over and happily snapped a few pictures. When it was my turn for a pic, I walked over and stood side by side with her when all of a sudden she crouched down. It was subtle, quick and stealth, but it was a crouch nonetheless. She crouched on me!

“Did you just crouch down because I’m short?” I gently asked so as not to distract myself and contort my face into an odd position like I usually do for selfies…

“No, I did it because I’m cold…” she replied politely and smiled.

Such a gentle smile, but behind that innocent little grin was the cold hard truth: I was just vertically profiled. Who crouches when they’re cold? Now I’m not one to quibble as she’s awesome and didn’t have to stop at all. I’m a big fan of hers, but I can’t help but focus on the crouch. I’ve been pouring over these pictures all afternoon with the same forensic attention to detail as if it were the Zapruder film – and there’s definitely a crouch at play here. I’m not paranoid and it’s not a big deal, but let’s call a spade a spade: she vertically profiled me! I think when you compare the photos one by one, it proves she crouched. You can see her hips swing out and her ever so gently lowering her body and noggin to be more level with mine…She’s obviously a pro!

I didn’t even realize Jenna was in this film…

Don’t get me wrong – I appreciate the crouch as it put me on equal footing AND gave me a good picture that I don’t look short in! Granted I’m an inch taller than her, so I should have definitely looked it, but let’s not quibble or unfairly mention the amount of hair she has on her head which gives her some volume compared to my head that looks like a cross between the cartoon character Doug with a Charlie Brown coif!

I know that I always seem to drone on about how short I look, but it’s usually all in my head, not the other way around. Except for Taylor Hicks, it’s always just me thinking I’m the short one – not them. Do you have any idea what it’s like to constantly be the shortest man in the room? People treat you differently when they have to glance down to make eye contact. I haven’t had this bright shorty spotlight shined on me this hard since that Sales Meeting when one of the attendees actually picked me up and gently placed me on the credenza so that I could see the presentation better. I did appreciate it as it afforded a better view, but come on – we need to stop the proliferation of vertical profiling in this country and give all the little people some respect too. Short people have feelings too. My new nickname should be Croucho Marx after this.

Just call me Croucho!

Now that I got that out of my system, I’ll let it go until the next person that I’m a big fan and cannot wait to read her book, but seriously Jenna – call me for a reshoot and no crouching next time. I think the only solution here is to have a reshoot where you stand as tall as you can while I wear my big boy shoes and stand up straight. Sounds like a plan to me! What do you think: Crouch or no Crouch?

On the way down…

Definitely Crouching here. Use the green windows behind my left shoulder to gauge our cranial placement and look how she leans out to even the height different – she’s a pro!

And now she’s back up to regular size!

CelebriTuedays: Jimmy McMillan – The Rent is Too Damn High guy is Super Fly!

November 8, 2017November 8, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

They say don’t meet your idols because they’ll never live up to your expectations, but when I met Jimmy McMillan, I was floating just as Damn High as the Rent! Welcome to the CelebriTuesday Time Machine; buckle up because we’re travelling back in time five years to a much gentler time with a much fatter and much balder me…

If you don’t know who Jimmy McMillan is – stop right now and educate yourself about one of the founding fathers of New York City Politics! Forget about Hamilton and learn about something important! You can’t go wrong backing a candidate with a background featuring careers as a Karate Expert, R & B Artist, Stripper, Private Investigator, AND creator of The Rent Is Too Damn High Political Party! Get the facts – Jimmy got your backs!

Get the facts – Jimmy got your backs!

It was New York City – Election Night 2012: The world was a different place and politics were politics, but you didn’t actually feel dirty watching the politicians as you do nowadays. Of course, nothing mattered to me as much as the guest of honor at the election night party I’d be attending: none other than Jimmy McMillan! The Rent Was Too Damn High and he was out preaching about it! I was prepped and ready to meet the man, the myth, the legend!

Taking No Shave November to a whole new Level!

I’d written about Jimmy before and was a fan, but I went with limited expectations as sometimes with these networking events, you don’t actually get to meet the person; who knew my humble dream was about to come true! I got to meet Jimmy and snap a few pictures with him and he was charismatic and funny, and a literal chick magnet as tons of hot young girls were just hanging all over him! He was crazy as all get out, and the longer I stayed and chatted, the more stories he told; I was captivated and hanging on every word. He was crazy and outrageous, and the stories were unbelievable, yet I couldn’t turn away from him or his handler (yes he had a handler, a man who during the day was a professional working for JP Morgan, but working for Jimmy is his “passion project” whatever the hell that means).

I told him that I’d written about him and that I was the Immodium Abuser. He asked what I’d written so I showed him – not remembering that in the very first paragraph I’d compared his goatee to two giant fuzzy white testicles resting on his chin and said he was wearing OJ Simpson gloves. Anyone else might have had the sense to stop reading, but when did sense ever stop me. Besides that, he thought it was hilarious. That’s when the true irony of the situation struck me like a lightning bolt: there I was explaining to a crazy person as if I were the sane one – that I call myself Immodium Abuser and write crazy stories and then I proceed to read him something I’d written about him and his nose hair. Basically he was watching the train wreck the same way I was: we each looked across and instantly saw another lunatic just like us realizing that crazy really does radiate towards crazy!

Jimmy asked me if I knew why he hadn’t been in the public eye so much lately and I told him that I just assumed it was because he lost the election, but he leaned in and said it was much more serious than that: he’d had major surgery to remove shrapnel in his stomach. “Oh my God” I said – “did you get shot?” “No” he told me “it’s from an old wound from the Vietnam War…They had to put magnets down my throat to get that shrapnel out. The magnets were tied to a string and they had to go in and out and remove them one by one that way. I was awake the whole time.” The handler kept nodding along and interjecting throughout the story adding “mmmhmmm – I was there – it was touch and go – mmmhmmm – we almost lost him – touch and go.”

“What?” I asked “How was it touch and go? He just said he was awake the whole time? That’s not touch and go. Also, what kind of magnets were they using – they must have been really strong…and what kind of string were they tied to? Like kite string? Yarn? How did they get it down your throat? Who did this surgery – are you sure they were a doctor?” I had a million questions that I was shooting out rapid fire to try and clear it up and make heads or tails if what they were telling me, but the answers seemed even more incredible and crazy than the original story and the two of them kept laughing at me as if I was the crazy one there…Seriously though, what kind of string could they have used? I was just picturing him lying there while the doctor was using a kid’s toy like this:

We had a blast and laughed a lot but the night was coming to a close as Jimmy was telling me how he was getting a car sponsored with The Rent is Too Damn High logo wrapped around it and I was thinking I should get one with Imodium Abuser on it. Then I think that I actually might have offered to volunteer for the next campaign (which I would do in a heartbeat by the way) as we said our goodbyes…I was drunk and had a long train ride home ahead of me, but I knew deep in my soul this was a great night that I’d never forget. I thought he would be crazy and fun in person, but he was out in orbit and I loved every minute!

Although Jimmy McMillan isn’t running for Mayor again, he is running for City Council in New York City today, so what better time to revisit that night we met…Hopefully you voted today and remembered the reason for the voting season: The Rent is Too Damn High!!! I don’t get any special compensation if you buy these, but these dolls make a great Holiday gift for everyone on your list:

LINK TO THE ABSOLUTE BEST JIMMY McMILLAN MUSIC VIDEO EVER!!!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!