I can’t believe this is my 200th post! That’s a huge milestone so I wanted to pause from our regularly scheduled program to take a moment and celebrate you by doing something a little different. This is for every one of you reading this site and liking and sharing and commenting and laughing and sometimes rolling your eyes and emailing me with genuine concern that something is definitely wrong with me.
I won’t drown you with a bunch of numbers because I don’t like to fixate on them, but 200 posts is nothing to sneeze at! 51,000 visitors are in the rear view mirror and by this time next week, 100,000 total views will be as well! Whether you’ve stumbled onto this site for the first time or you’re one of my 12,576 regular followers – this post is in honor of you! In the spirit of doing things different – I’m gonna pull back the curtain and spill it like the little Yenta I am to answer some of the big Immodium Abuser mysteries that surely have been keeping you up at night.
The top question that people ask me:
Believe it or not, the thing most people ask me isn’t “did your sister really shit on that cat?” but “When your sister shit on that cat – was that cat’s name really Pretty?” Yes, Pretty was the cat’s name, but take that in for a moment. No one finds it odd or is put off by the fact that my sister actually shit all over a poor little kitty, but the crazy part is the fact that the cat was named Pretty! Also, the follow up question 99 times out of 100 is always “was it only one time?” It’s not as if she’s a mad bomber who’s lost the ability to clench or has such precise torpedo aim that the feline community quakes in their furry boots as she walks by. As far as I know, it isn’t a party trick she does when people gather…Of course it only happened once, but really – I should never say never about a repeat performance so let’s keep those cats locked away just in case.
After my sister’s literal “Shit Storm,” Pretty was never the same.
This year, I actually pulled the best April Fool’s Day prank on her (obviously, I mean my sister, not Pretty) when I created a meme with her face and the words “if you see this woman – hide your cats!” I woke her up early that morning and lied to her that I posted the meme on Twitter and hundreds of people had already liked it! Needless to say, she flipped the flip out! I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t even tell her it was all just a joke. Obviously she has forbid me from sharing the un-edited meme here – which I think is a selfish mistake on her part – but I’ll throw her a bone! Once she saw the edited meme, she was actually more irritated than she was at the original version. She probably got crazy because I said her edited photo reminded me exactly of Robert Downey Jr. in the movie Fur, which understandably – isn’t exactly a compliment, but also isn’t too off base either…
Do I really take that much Imodium:
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes I do and I cannot function or commute without it! I just ordered eight 48 packs to be set for July 4th and the site wouldn’t let me order more than four packs so I had to use a different name for the second order. Ridiculous, right? And also, please stop emailing and tweeting me asking if I’m using it to get high. I only wish I could get high and not shit in public from it, but alas, no psychedelic reactions to the AD – yet… Also, the post about Imodium AD actually trying to stage an intervention with me is still the most popular post by many THOUSANDS of views more than anything else I’ve ever written. More than when I was Mistaken for a Retarded Person TWICE in less than a half hour, more than My Famous Baby Jesus Story, and more than any celebrity stalking I’ve ever done.
When my wife asked if I was packed for our long weekend away…here’s my weekend stash!
Did the Pope see it when the bird shit on your friend:
I think that The Pope is everywhere and anywhere so a little part of me would like to believe that he did see the drive-by pooping, even though I know that priceless memory is only between me, Annie-Smack-That-Fannie, and that pigeon’s anus. Just for fun, let’s get that phrase “that pigeon’s anus” trending on Twitter! Fun fact, Annie-Smack-That-Fannie is the only non-celebrity that has had the honor of having their face shown on this site. She proudly wears that badge of honor and will fist fight to defend it, but seriously, if anyone gets shit on in front of me – I’m posting your picture too! Her mother Bubbe is not one to be outdone, so we’ve been kvetching about making our own video so she can show me and everyone else her secret cream puff recipe. Yes I know that sounds really dirty and inappropriate, but there’s nothing dirty or inappropriate about cream puffs if they’re made right. We’ve yet to work out the logistics, but something tells me Fannie might show up rocking her Purple Housecoat and try to sabotage or photobomb our video. More to follow on that front although I didn’t tell her I was going to do this so Bubbe is probably sitting at the table reading this post while schvitzing and spitting out her morning coffee…
The most common reaction people have to hearing about my site:
When I tell people about immodiumabuser.com, they always think it’s a joke. They look at me as if I’m kidding and then when they actually see that it’s a real website, their face changes into a mix of confusion, disgust, contempt, and then back to confusion again. Doesn’t matter if its people who just met me or that have known me for years; the concern immediately takes over their face as they either first realize or finally confirm that something is definitely wrong with me. The very next thing almost every single person says immediately after this is “your poor wife!” I literally cannot tell you the countless number of times someone has said that to me! Thousands! When I tell people that she’s my biggest fan and actually thinks it’s awesome – I can see the same look of concern come back as they wonder if something is wrong with her too. (There’s not, just for the record).
The strangest celebrity encounter:
I’ve had so many ridiculous celebrity encounters, but if I chose one it would probably be when I went to shake his hand but ended up actually fondling N.O.R.E.’s thumb. Literally full-on fondling his thumb! I’m still not entirely sure how exactly that happened but it’s probably better to never mention it again…
This is not to say that he was my favorite encounter as Ice-T is my Buddy and if there were any sense of justice in the world, Ice-T and I would be killing it on The Amazing Race right now. Can you even imagine the level of awesome him and I could bring to that show? We’d be The OG and The AD! We’d be abusing the streets with AD & Tweets!
On an amazing side note, I don’t like to brag, but no statistic I can ever share with you is more important than this one: in the past few months, Ice-T has liked almost 30 of my tweets, so he’ll always be my favorite and obviously he has great taste! Either that or he’s just leading me on and the restraining order will follow any day now…
Look at that crazy shirt – It’s like Michael Jackson is in there peeking out…
Odd Footnote:
Gene Simons stopped what he was doing to give me advice! Yes that Gene Simmons from Kiss! He took one look at my business card and said “what a waste – the back side of this card is blank; put something there and use that space. People turn it over and nothing – what a missed opportunity!” I was just glad he didn’t have his book in hand to bop me too because it was the same exact day that he was literally popping people on the noggin with his new book and got banned from FOX News. I don’t hold that against him and I’m actually not sure I would have really minded if he tried to knock some sense into me.
One day, these business cards will be collector’s items or, more than most likely, it’ll be exhibit A in the evidence file for Ice-T’s restraining order…
Fan Mail:
Like a true superstar – I’ve gotten my share of fan mail. I’m not saying that I get bags full of correspondence and cards like Harry & Meghan do, but I do receive crazy notes that make me smile. I want to make note of one in particular as this dude is my kind of awesome crazy! I originally thought that he might be a Red Sox fan from Boston because of the name, but once I read his note, I knew exactly what he meant when his signature had a poop emoji and a sock (I assume it’s been lost to a terrible shit and who hasn’t been there – amIright?). He proudly wears the name Sox Guy because sometimes he shits so bad he has to sacrifice a sock and here’s a sampling of his awesome note and part of my response:
I’m not sure if my wife was more shocked/appalled that he wrote to me, that I wrote back and forth with him as if he was my new pen pal, or the fact that he actually found me on Linkedin! Looking back at the site’s creation, I’m sure that’s the exact intention the founding fathers of Linkedin had in mind when they developed the site – connecting shitting blog fans with their authors!
Next Steps:
So what do the next 200 posts hold in store? It may seem impossible, but I’ve actually been holding back on you, so I’m going to do that less in the future. That may sound ridiculous considering the things that I do share, but there are hysterical stories I haven’t told because I’m afraid they don’t really paint me in the most flattering light. It’s ironic because when I said that same thing to my wife – she rolled her eyes and said “And exactly what type of light do you think you’re currently painting yourself in?” Well played Honey!
I guess holding back was all in vain, so expect a lot more crazy stories, idiotic adventures, and lots more celebrity sightings. You can’t believe how extremely hard it is not to make me sound like a douche when sharing stories of how I’ve tormented senior citizens, gotten fired from a cruise ship, experimented with a controversial religion, or had a crazy explosive shit so bad that I actually had to switch gyms, but now the gloves are off. Be careful what you ask for people because Immodium Abuser is going wild and you’re in for it!
Let me know if there’s anything you want to know about? In the meantime – sign up for the email post updates here so you never miss a post, go follow me on Twitter, and then like my Facebook page before people think there’s really something wrong with you!
www.immodiumabuser.com 