CelebriTuesdays: 2017 review – I saw more stars this year than McGregor did after Mayweather finished him off…

December 27, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

It’s that time to look back and reflect on what I’ve done and accomplished over the past year and plan how to better move forward in the year ahead. I’m normally not the type to reflect back and learn any lessons from my behavior, but if this year is any indication – I have a lot of work to do in 2018.

Forget about personal development or being a better person, I’m talking about the important things like quicker camera reflexes and stealth dodging in between publicists or personal assistants. In 2018, my camera skills are gonna be on point!

My new go to pose! My 2018 selfies are gonna be off the chain!

Not to brag too much, but I did get lucky a lot this year. I got to meet a bunch of cool celebrities and whether you attribute that to the luck of the Irish, the power of the Imodium or just the sheer tenacity of a stalker; it was a banner year in a lot of ways. If for nothing else, any year in which I got to see my Larry David in person (even if I did miss snapping a pic because I broke the cardinal rule of no texting while stalking) is a success.

Love this! I’d do the same thing…

Despite my best efforts, there were a few mishaps along the way (besides me looking like I was mid-seizure while singing Say You to Lionel Richie-which he didn’t seem to appreciate as much as I thought he should have) For instance, I got cocky with Seal. There he was just a few feet from me taking pictures with a bunch of fans, when he abruptly stopped the pictures and said he had to go. I don’t know if he could tell that I was seconds away from bursting out “You’re never gonna survive, uuuuunless, we get a little craaaazyyyy!!!” or if he just took one look at me and knew no good could come of encouraging a lunatic like this, but I was denied and he passed me by. He wasn’t being dickish and probably was in a rush or maybe he was hungry (even Seals need to eat too) or maybe he had to take a shit or any of the myriad reasons one doesn’t want to be bothered in public by strangers, but I wasn’t prepared for his abrupt halt to the proceedings. My phone was on selfie mode with the camera facing me so by the time I turned it to front facing, this was all I could get because I was looking at him and didn’t want to walk into the window:

Look at that jaw and jacket – who else could it be?

If you look at that jaw and the jacket and pants – who else could it be but Seal? He got into his car and poof – he was gone. Seals on the beach are kinda slow moving, but when Seal’s in the Sirius lobby he’s pretty damn fast.

I was at The Today Show one morning feeling great about the good shot I got with Pablo Pascal when I turned and Luke Wilson was right next to me about to enter the building. I could only say “Luke” and try to get my phone out for a picture, but he just smiled and walked away. Normally, the celebrities pull up and unload on the curb, but he just walked up unencumbered and casual. He was promoting the film Brad’s Status, but guess who wasn’t promoting Tony’s status that day? Luke Wilson.

There were a few times when my impatience or the poor timing of Metro North’s morning trains (or as I refer to it – Satan’s sleigh) get the better of me and I missed J.B. Smoove, Naomi Judd, Drew Barrymore, and Carol Burnett. I don’t get myself down about the ones I let get away, I focus on the ones I’ll see tomorrow. Like Annie sang “The stars will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar I’ll be stalking, all day long…”

When I saw Scott Ian from Anthrax, he wasn’t taking picture because he was with his son and wife, Pearl Aday (Meat Loaf’s daughter – Little Baby Loaf. No really, she is the actual daughter of the Loaf). They didn’t want to take pictures with their kid which I fully respect and believe it or not, even I have limits and never tread on that. Children are sacred and I never bother anyone with kids because it’s really not cool. When they were bringing Kelly Clarkson’s daughter into The Today Show, some people were snapping away, but seriously – who does that? A) it’s a baby leave her alone and B) that could be my baby – you can’t identify any baby from a quick snap while they’re walking past so fast…

Scott Ian of Anthrax and Ms Loaf herself, Pearl Aday

Some people draw a bigger crowd than others and I’m not normally one to compare size, but there is a certain appeal when you’re rocking a huge crowd. But as my wife constantly reassures me, it’s not the size of your crowd – it’s what you do with it that matters. There was no one around when I saw Liev Schreiber and Cat Stevens and they were both awesome. Small crowds, but big personalities and I wasn’t disappointed. The opposite was true of Charlize Theron. Hot as can be and she was packing a big crowd, but no one was getting near her and she wasn’t stopping for anyone.

I’m not sure if this is actually a selfie with her and I, but we are both technically in the picture together so I’m gonna say it counts.

My biggest faux pas, was my most recent. I saw one of the regular security guards from the building rush up and ask for a photo with this guy and his entourage. He happily obliged and they even got all festive-like and took it by the Lobby Christmas Tree. Seeing this occur, me and some of the other regulars went over and waited our turn to meet him, exchange pleasantries, and snap away. It wasn’t until all of us (SEVEN PEOPLE MIND YOU) had taken pictures with him and compared notes outside that we realized there wasn’t one of us that knew who he was. Seriously, we had all just bum rushed someone to take a picture with us by the Christmas Tree with no idea who it was. This isn’t a strange occurrence, as sometimes one person will recognize someone and then we will tell the others afterwards if they don’t know them (like what happened with the people from Love & Hip Hop). It has never happened where none knew who it was. When I met him, I didn’t know who it was but obviously l didn’t want to walk over and say “Hi, can I take a picture with you and then can you tell me who you are?” so I said “I’m Tony, it’s great to meet you.” I thought I was being smooth and that he’d naturally say his name as well, but he only said “Tony, it’s great to meet you – have a great Holiday!”

The security guard didn’t even know and he was the first one to get a picture so I really blame him for this – he told us that he just assumed since he was wearing shades indoors and walking with a bunch of guys that looked like his entourage, that he was probably someone famous. They got into a nice SUV like the celebrities regularly do so he actually might be someone, but my fear is that we bum rushed Jimmy from Accounting on the 23rd floor while he was on the way to his Uber. Let me know if this guy looks familiar to anyone and drop me a line if he does.

So here I am at the end of the year looking over my pictures and working on my posts for next year as I have a bunch of celebrities waiting to have their brushes with Immodium-Abusing infamy told on these hallowed pages. Much more to come my friends – much more to come! Happy New Year and my wish for you is that your hearts be as full this Holiday Season as my stock of Imodium AD is!!!

CelebriTuesdays: Power Ranger Kings to Stranger Things!

December 19, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 5 Comments

Power Rangers kind of came and went out of movie theatres quickly, but I was fortunate enough to snag a few pics with these young up-and-comers. Obviously, meeting me was a good omen for them (or at least that’s the way I’m spinning it). They were in a rush and weren’t going to stop for pictures because they were getting into their cars when I had to do something I’ve never done before: I used my kids to get the picture…

I said “Would you mind taking a quick picture, my boys love Power Rangers and they’d really flip out if I got a picture with you.” Who can say no to that? Do you want to be the Power Ranger that screws a kid over? They acquiesced and while it was true when I said it, I was excited to show the boys to have something they’d like to talk about until I realized that they wouldn’t be able to watch it because it’s geared towards much older kids.

I got the pictures after all, but the kids couldn’t see the movie so it kind of lost the desired effect as they couldn’t identify any of the people I was with. You can see their point, I mean I could start telling people that I’m actually the Green Power Ranger and who’d know the difference? Under that suit and helmet who could really tell who’s who? Full disclosure, it does strain credulity because if you looked at me you’d know it would take much more than movie magic to squeeze my fat ass into a spandex suit and no one wants kids to see that!

Since our chance encounter, Pink Power Ranger Naomi Scott was cast as Jasmine in the live-action version of Aladdin that’s now filming with Will Smith. She was on the short-lived TV show Terra Nova, but I won’t hold that against her. Steven Spielberg may have produced it, but even he couldn’t help the mess that show turned into.

Black Power Ranger Ludi Lin went on to snag a role with Jason Momoa in next year’s Aquaman movie, so he’s not doing too shabby either.

Red Ranger Dacre Montgomery met me and all of a sudden – he’s in cast as Billy in the second season of Stranger Things that just dropped (nominated for a Screen Actor’s Guild Award: Best Drama Ensemble) and he just landed a Russel Crowe movie.

Don’t adjust your eyes – it’s my terrible photo skills at work here!

It’s no longer looks and talent or the luck of the Irish that helps you make it in Hollywood – it’s a handshake from the Immodium Abuser! Make way people, I’m a star maker!

This is Awesome!

Since it’s Christmas – here’s your gift: Me in the Power Ranger Suit:

I’m not being arrogant or anything, but I look almost identical to the Red Ranger from the movie!

Here’s the only Power Rangers team they’d let me be on…

CelebriTuesdays: Anthony Anderson – The Tony or A Golden Globe Award; which one is the real prize?

December 12, 2017December 12, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Receiving a Golden Globe Nomination for Blackish this week is a great honor, but let me tell you about another memorable day in Anthony Anderson’s life – meeting me.

Sure, you can get fame and glory and international recognition with a Golden Globe, but it’s only just a nomination right now – not a win. To be featured along with this Imodium abusing superstar – now that’s the real prize!

Anthony was promoting Blackish on Sirius and rushing out to his car, but did stop for a few quick snaps. He was telling us to take them while he walked with us so they’re not perfect, but he was really cool and nice. It’s also hard to be a jerk when you’re in your comfy clothes rocking Sweatpants and Gold chain casual for your interviews. Comfort is key and that gold chain is probably worth more than my car! He may be a trained actor, but these shots aren’t his best work. On the positive side, look at how well my bathroom selfie practice is paying off: My pics are on point and I owe it all to that midnight mirror practice.

Wishing Anthony Anderson much luck with the Golden Globes and when the Screen Actors Guild Nominees are announced tomorrow, expect him to be there too! Still not better than getting the Tony, but it is a great honor…

Not the best shot, but seriously – I look pretty good!

CelebriTuesdays: Hey Ryan, Leggo my Eggold!

December 5, 2017December 5, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Since they just killed him off on The Blacklist, I thought I’d pay tribute to Tom Keen himself, Ryan Eggold.

He was appearing on The Today Show and couldn’t have been cooler. He stopped to take pictures, sign autographs, and chat it up with everyone. Just a regular everyman who happens to be a TV star.

As he was chatting it up with some fans, I couldn’t help but wonder if killing his character off is payback for last year’s terrible spinoff show Blacklist:Redemption, but why would they bring him back after being off on that train-wreck offshoot just to kill him a few episodes later? It’s not his fault the show was so bad – even John Locke from Lost couldn’t make it watchable!

I’m really not concerned about his death as I probably should be; didn’t they just kill his wife Liz off last year only to bring her back from the dead a few weeks later? We’ll see Tom again as sure as Dembe will nod along giving Red a furtive glance while watching him waxing poetic about a shop girl paramour off the Amalfi coast many moons ago. Dead never means dead for good on shows anymore; I grew up watching the Phoenix himself (Stefano Dimera on Days of our Lives) annually rising back from the ashes. Fear not Eggheads – he’ll be back someday!

CelebriTuesdays: Robert Kirkman – Don’t be a Jerk-Man! The Walking Dead has gone to his head!

November 29, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

You know all of those gracious stars I talk about meeting and taking terrible selfies with each week? This isn’t about one of them. I didn’t realize how lucky I’ve been to have gotten so many encounters with so many people until Elisabeth Shue’d me away and now Robert Kirkman turned into a real Jerk, Man.

If you’re like me, you’re googling to find out who that is because Robert Kirkman isn’t a household name like the Immodium Abuser. He created The Walking Dead based on the comic book series he wrote and, full disclosure, I didn’t know who he was when I saw him. I don’t watch The Walking Dead because honestly, if I wanted to hear about the end of the world and zombie apocalypse I’d tune into CNN when they discuss The White House. When I saw him get out of his car, I thought he might be “somebody” heading into Sirius for an interview, but I didn’t know who it was right away. My interest became piqued when he started covering his face with his arms saying “NO, NO” as if he were Taylor Swift getting mobbed by fans. That’s the best part of it – he’s unrecognizable to the average person on the street and there was NO crowd waiting for him or mobbing him to take pictures. He strolled by our stalking spot while we were waiting for someone else with his hands up which tends to get you noticed.

I can see if this was the crowd waiting for you, but come on…

The only thing missing is the crowd to hide from…

Let’s cover two things here: A) Nobody was even that jazzed up to see him or rushing to snap a pic – not even that crazy lady in the Pokemon shirt and she’s always jazzed up. I only started taking pictures when he started blocking them because I thought he was being crazy for no reason. B) If you’re gonna make such a fuss about people seeing you on the street, then you should enter through the garage or walk up casually and NOT covering your face like Blanket Jackson. Most importantly though, for God’s sake – don’t carry a lunchbox. Just a thought here, but you know who carries a lunchbox, Dude? Children, mentally impaired adults or eccentric weirdos do that. If you’re a high functioning adult still carrying a lunchbox, at least have some self-respect and get a cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or Star Wars themed one. Truth Bomb here, you’re worth twenty million bucks – let’s hire someone to carry that lunchbox around for you immediately!

Apparently, if you ask my brother or his wife – The Walking Dead is amazing and he’s a big deal. Granted, this is from the same people who didn’t like Manchester by the Sea – so their opinion of good quality entertainment is somewhat skewed. That movie tore me up and haunted me for weeks after seeing it, but I was afraid they might have been dead inside after they told me they hated the movie and didn’t feel anything after watching it. Come to think of it, it actually makes sense now: they literally might actually be dead inside and part of the zombie apocalypse. I’ll have to make sure and be careful at Christmas or next thing I know, my sister-in-law will be tearing up our gathering with a barbed wire baseball bat like Negan does on the show if I get mouthy again.

I full realize that no celebrity owes me anything and I don’t expect any of these people to want to waste their time with me and my terrible selfies, but you can be nice and at least smile when you’re going by people! I get it that you were in town for ComiCon and were maybe getting mobbed by Walking Dead Heads, but let me just lay this out here now: when I’m worth twenty million bucks like this schlub – they’re gonna have to chisel the shit-eating grin off my face because I won’t be able to NOT smile.

CelebriTuesdays: Thanksgiving Edition!

November 22, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

In the great spirit of the Thanksgiving season, I’d like to take a moment to quit being selfish in my celeb hunting ways and actually stalk for a good cause: to thank my wife. That may sound strange since I’m actually still stalking people, but the motivation and the intention is there and isn’t that what the holiday season is all about?

As I was chatting with a stalker comrade the other day, he pointed to a couple of women walking by and said “she’s one of the Indigo Girls.” I wasn’t sure if he was kidding (remember, I never believe anything) so I googled her picture to confirm and yep, it was Emily Saliers. I like a few of the band’s songs and although she’s no Gladys Knight – they do a really good rendition of Midnight Train to Georgia (sadly, no Pips were included).

I don’t normally like to think of other people because it’s a lot of effort and at the core of it I’m somewhat selfish, but my wife is kind of amazing! She’s been a long-time fan of the Indigo Girls since before college so I thought it might be cool to get a picture for her. Naturally, in all my overthinking and googling to confirm – Emily was Indigoing on her merry old way. She was halfway down the block by now, so I did the only thing I could do in that situation: I ran.

Emily’s new album is available now!

I’ll concede that maybe not everyone would have ran down the block after her at that point, but don’t judge me – who hasn’t chased an Indigo Girl at least once in their life? I can’t help it – my spidey stalker senses kicked in and I finally caught up to them at the corner. I introduced myself to Emily, but once I opened my mouth the non-stop verbal onslaught of nonsense just came pouring out like a waterfall. I told her what a huge fan my wife Abbey was and that she was actually in the car on the way to the city as we were taking the kids to see Aladdin and she’s loved your music since we were in college and then asked if she wouldn’t mind taking a picture with me. I felt bad bothering her and I’m sure both her and her assistant thought I was a lunatic, but she couldn’t have been cooler. Her assistant snapped a few pictures (thus them coming out OK) and then suggested we take a video message to send to my wife. Who does that? Seriously – how cool is that? The only thing that could have been better would have been her taking out her guitar and strumming a melody, but she’s not a strolling minstrel for God’s sake.

She was so freaking awesome and sent Abbey the following message:

I gave her an Immodium Abuser business card which made her laugh and thanked her profusely as she was so awesome and totally made my wife’s day and then she waltzed away leaving a very grateful man with an awesome video for his wife.

Don’t worry – I didn’t stalk the Genie (but only because the kids were there…)

My wife thought the video was so cool and really got a kick out of it. She very surprised and appreciative for it, but that nice thing I did led to “the talk” which was basically a warning about the hazards of chasing celebrities down the street. She’s made me promise that I won’t do that again or get arrested, but honestly – I’m unlikely to think of anyone else for the next three to six months so I’ve got a little time.

So this might not be the inspirational holiday message you were expecting, but thank you Abbey for being the most amazing person I’ve ever met, giving me three amazing little peanuts, and supporting my Imodium abusing self every step of the way and encouraging me to chase my dreams whether I’m soaking wet and chafed beyond belief during the NYC Marathon or hoofing after celebrities on the street. You’re amazing and I’m Closer to Fine when I’m with you!

Thank you Emily Saliers for being awesome! Here’s what she was recording at Paste Studio in NYC when I saw her:

CelebriTuesdays: Jenna Fischer Ouch! Did Pam from The Office just Crouch?

November 15, 2017November 15, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 10 Comments

Jenna Fischer has a new book out called The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide; it’s about hard work and struggling for years and years until she finally fulfilled her dream and came face to face with the one and only Immodium Abuser! Or it’s about the years of rejection and hardship before she finally made it as an actor in Hollywood – either way a dream was fulfilled….

It was a chilly New York day, until she walked out the door and it was like the sun came out. The door opened and along came Jenna smiling and genuinely surprised to see people waiting for her. Sweet and accommodating, she could not have been nicer – just like when she played Pam on The Office!

Vertical profiling in full effect! Any guess which one I’m forced to use unless I want to commit Testicular Manslaughter and find my balls resting on the ice cold ceramic ledge.

She came right over and happily snapped a few pictures. When it was my turn for a pic, I walked over and stood side by side with her when all of a sudden she crouched down. It was subtle, quick and stealth, but it was a crouch nonetheless. She crouched on me!

“Did you just crouch down because I’m short?” I gently asked so as not to distract myself and contort my face into an odd position like I usually do for selfies…

“No, I did it because I’m cold…” she replied politely and smiled.

Such a gentle smile, but behind that innocent little grin was the cold hard truth: I was just vertically profiled. Who crouches when they’re cold? Now I’m not one to quibble as she’s awesome and didn’t have to stop at all. I’m a big fan of hers, but I can’t help but focus on the crouch. I’ve been pouring over these pictures all afternoon with the same forensic attention to detail as if it were the Zapruder film – and there’s definitely a crouch at play here. I’m not paranoid and it’s not a big deal, but let’s call a spade a spade: she vertically profiled me! I think when you compare the photos one by one, it proves she crouched. You can see her hips swing out and her ever so gently lowering her body and noggin to be more level with mine…She’s obviously a pro!

I didn’t even realize Jenna was in this film…

Don’t get me wrong – I appreciate the crouch as it put me on equal footing AND gave me a good picture that I don’t look short in! Granted I’m an inch taller than her, so I should have definitely looked it, but let’s not quibble or unfairly mention the amount of hair she has on her head which gives her some volume compared to my head that looks like a cross between the cartoon character Doug with a Charlie Brown coif!

I know that I always seem to drone on about how short I look, but it’s usually all in my head, not the other way around. Except for Taylor Hicks, it’s always just me thinking I’m the short one – not them. Do you have any idea what it’s like to constantly be the shortest man in the room? People treat you differently when they have to glance down to make eye contact. I haven’t had this bright shorty spotlight shined on me this hard since that Sales Meeting when one of the attendees actually picked me up and gently placed me on the credenza so that I could see the presentation better. I did appreciate it as it afforded a better view, but come on – we need to stop the proliferation of vertical profiling in this country and give all the little people some respect too. Short people have feelings too. My new nickname should be Croucho Marx after this.

Just call me Croucho!

Now that I got that out of my system, I’ll let it go until the next person that I’m a big fan and cannot wait to read her book, but seriously Jenna – call me for a reshoot and no crouching next time. I think the only solution here is to have a reshoot where you stand as tall as you can while I wear my big boy shoes and stand up straight. Sounds like a plan to me! What do you think: Crouch or no Crouch?

On the way down…

Definitely Crouching here. Use the green windows behind my left shoulder to gauge our cranial placement and look how she leans out to even the height different – she’s a pro!

And now she’s back up to regular size!

CelebriTuedays: Jimmy McMillan – The Rent is Too Damn High guy is Super Fly!

November 8, 2017November 8, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

They say don’t meet your idols because they’ll never live up to your expectations, but when I met Jimmy McMillan, I was floating just as Damn High as the Rent! Welcome to the CelebriTuesday Time Machine; buckle up because we’re travelling back in time five years to a much gentler time with a much fatter and much balder me…

If you don’t know who Jimmy McMillan is – stop right now and educate yourself about one of the founding fathers of New York City Politics! Forget about Hamilton and learn about something important! You can’t go wrong backing a candidate with a background featuring careers as a Karate Expert, R & B Artist, Stripper, Private Investigator, AND creator of The Rent Is Too Damn High Political Party! Get the facts – Jimmy got your backs!

Get the facts – Jimmy got your backs!

It was New York City – Election Night 2012: The world was a different place and politics were politics, but you didn’t actually feel dirty watching the politicians as you do nowadays. Of course, nothing mattered to me as much as the guest of honor at the election night party I’d be attending: none other than Jimmy McMillan! The Rent Was Too Damn High and he was out preaching about it! I was prepped and ready to meet the man, the myth, the legend!

Taking No Shave November to a whole new Level!

I’d written about Jimmy before and was a fan, but I went with limited expectations as sometimes with these networking events, you don’t actually get to meet the person; who knew my humble dream was about to come true! I got to meet Jimmy and snap a few pictures with him and he was charismatic and funny, and a literal chick magnet as tons of hot young girls were just hanging all over him! He was crazy as all get out, and the longer I stayed and chatted, the more stories he told; I was captivated and hanging on every word. He was crazy and outrageous, and the stories were unbelievable, yet I couldn’t turn away from him or his handler (yes he had a handler, a man who during the day was a professional working for JP Morgan, but working for Jimmy is his “passion project” whatever the hell that means).

I told him that I’d written about him and that I was the Immodium Abuser. He asked what I’d written so I showed him – not remembering that in the very first paragraph I’d compared his goatee to two giant fuzzy white testicles resting on his chin and said he was wearing OJ Simpson gloves. Anyone else might have had the sense to stop reading, but when did sense ever stop me. Besides that, he thought it was hilarious. That’s when the true irony of the situation struck me like a lightning bolt: there I was explaining to a crazy person as if I were the sane one – that I call myself Immodium Abuser and write crazy stories and then I proceed to read him something I’d written about him and his nose hair. Basically he was watching the train wreck the same way I was: we each looked across and instantly saw another lunatic just like us realizing that crazy really does radiate towards crazy!

Jimmy asked me if I knew why he hadn’t been in the public eye so much lately and I told him that I just assumed it was because he lost the election, but he leaned in and said it was much more serious than that: he’d had major surgery to remove shrapnel in his stomach. “Oh my God” I said – “did you get shot?” “No” he told me “it’s from an old wound from the Vietnam War…They had to put magnets down my throat to get that shrapnel out. The magnets were tied to a string and they had to go in and out and remove them one by one that way. I was awake the whole time.” The handler kept nodding along and interjecting throughout the story adding “mmmhmmm – I was there – it was touch and go – mmmhmmm – we almost lost him – touch and go.”

“What?” I asked “How was it touch and go? He just said he was awake the whole time? That’s not touch and go. Also, what kind of magnets were they using – they must have been really strong…and what kind of string were they tied to? Like kite string? Yarn? How did they get it down your throat? Who did this surgery – are you sure they were a doctor?” I had a million questions that I was shooting out rapid fire to try and clear it up and make heads or tails if what they were telling me, but the answers seemed even more incredible and crazy than the original story and the two of them kept laughing at me as if I was the crazy one there…Seriously though, what kind of string could they have used? I was just picturing him lying there while the doctor was using a kid’s toy like this:

We had a blast and laughed a lot but the night was coming to a close as Jimmy was telling me how he was getting a car sponsored with The Rent is Too Damn High logo wrapped around it and I was thinking I should get one with Imodium Abuser on it. Then I think that I actually might have offered to volunteer for the next campaign (which I would do in a heartbeat by the way) as we said our goodbyes…I was drunk and had a long train ride home ahead of me, but I knew deep in my soul this was a great night that I’d never forget. I thought he would be crazy and fun in person, but he was out in orbit and I loved every minute!

Although Jimmy McMillan isn’t running for Mayor again, he is running for City Council in New York City today, so what better time to revisit that night we met…Hopefully you voted today and remembered the reason for the voting season: The Rent is Too Damn High!!! I don’t get any special compensation if you buy these, but these dolls make a great Holiday gift for everyone on your list:

LINK TO THE ABSOLUTE BEST JIMMY McMILLAN MUSIC VIDEO EVER!!!

CelebriTuesdays: Tatiana Maslany Fade to Orphan Black – this is my WORST selfie yet!

October 31, 2017October 31, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

Tatiana Maslany was promoting the movie Stronger and I just wish my facial composure had been a little stronger. I couldn’t have been more excited about seeing her as I’m a huge fan: she’s captivating on Orphan Black, made you forget about Helen Mirren in Woman in Gold and is heartbreaking in Stronger, but you want to hear about heartbreaking? Look at how bad my selfie with her is!

How does someone take a photo like this?

I finally get to meet this force of nature and my camera fought back! These pictures are awful! It’s not my usual making a bad face kind of awful – it’s a “what’s wrong with your face” and “why is your head so shiny” kind of bad. My selfies have never been great, and some were even OK – but this is by far the worst one I’ve ever taken. I was so nervous because Tatiana makes my Maslany feel all kinds of wonderful, but I just couldn’t pull it together to snap effectively.

A little bit better, but what’s wrong with my face?

She walked up and I said I was a huge fan and asked if she’d take a photo with me. She said sure and as I was snapping away, I could actually see how bad they looked and I freaked out…”Wait…Wait…its blurry…Wait…its blurry!” She walked on and headed to her car as I chased after to beg for a better shot together – but she was gone.

Wait – don’t go…

The kicker of our run-in, was not only that she looks amazing and I look like complete and utter shit – that’s beside the point. I’ve basically come to accept that this is my face and there’s very little I can do about it, but this was ridiculous. The kicker is that in addition to looking like there’s something wrong with me; look at how big she looks next to me! Talk about kicking me when I’m down! The woman is 5’4” for Christ’s sake and she’s wearing converse! Where is that God damn leg lift coming from? I’m 5’7” but look like Webster next to her – It’s like I’m in the upside down over here…

And just like that, she took her starry starry night jacket and left me with only a memory…

As quickly as it happened – it was over. She was Tati-outta there and my dreams were dashed as she went off to get a Mas-latte from Starbucks…

The different faces of Tatiana Maslany on Orphan Black. If you haven’t seen her Emmy winning urn on this show yet – change that immediately!

CelebriTuesdays: Ray Donovan is LIEV-ing on a Jet Plane!

October 25, 2017October 25, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 13 Comments

I’m not saying meeting me had anything to do with it, but it might not be coincidence that Ray Donovan is moving production of the show to New York City after I met Liev Schreiber! People do say that meeting me can change lives – but I’m much too modest to take all the credit for this news.

This wasn’t my usual pre-planned time or spot to ~~stalk~~ celeb watch, but I just looked over and Liev Schreiber got out of his car and walked my way. If you ask my friend Weeva, it was beshert or preordained (you know , like it was meant to be); If you ask my friend Annie-Smack-That-Fannie, it was because I’m a lucky SumBitch; either way, there he was.

Since no one seemed to notice him, I walked over and said I was a big fan and asked if he wouldn’t mind taking a photo with me. He couldn’t have been nicer and he didn’t remind me like Taylor Hicks that I was short. He was extremely nice, snapped a few shots just in case they were blurry and then shook my hand afterwards and walked away.

You know that I’ll take a picture with any celebrity and to be honest, I didn’t know some of the celebrities I’ve met. Lets be real, I don’t believe that anyone really knows any professional Golfers except for Tiger Woods so they shouldn’t count! I might not have known who they were or maybe I just took a picture with them because I’m a stalker and everyone else was taking them, but with Liev Schreiber it was awesome because I’m actually a really big fan! Separate from Ray Donovan, I’ve really liked everything he’s done (well maybe not Sphere which I still feel like he, Dustin Hoffman, & Sharon Stone owe me money back for seeing that trainwreck in a theatre) since his first movie when he was Chris in Mixed Nuts (1994). If you’re not familiar with the film, it’s a comedy about a suicide hotline on Christmas Eve. This movie cracks me up even though it got terrible reviews and did terrible in the theatres. I remember going to see it and just laughing hysterically like an idiot. It’s got one of the best casts assembled with Steve Martin, Madeline Khan, Jon Stewart and Adam Sandler so I don’t need to go any further. If you’re not convinced it’s worth a look – listen to Liev telling Conan about the film, dancing with Steve Martin, and sweat pants erections:

Liev Schreiber on Conan (click for video)

It took everything in me not to ask him to tell Naomi Watts to go and tell Nicole Kidman to Holla back at me since he’s the closest I’ve gotten to someone who knows her since I assaulted Tom Cruise – but I was afraid that if I mentioned it – he’d do this to me:

I’m sure with production in New York City, I’ll see him again and I’ll casually mention it then. At the very least my selfie face seems to be getting better, right? You better Be-Liev it!

Isn’t this the weirdest picture? It’s certainly a head-scratcher…

CelebriTuedays: Taylor Hicks on me he picks…

October 17, 2017October 17, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 14 Comments

In case you haven’t realized it yet, I take my ~~stalk~~ lunch break in the afternoon and have now made a few friends that actually do it full time. As I was chatting it up with them, one of those stalker buddies said “I can’t believe you don’t want to ask for a picture with an American Idol?” (He won season 5 for those that aren’t part of the Soul Patrol which is his posse of fans and not to be confused with Paw Patrol which are just puppies that protect Adventure Bay.)

I said Soul Patrol – not Paw Patrol!

“What are you talking about? Where?”

“That’s Taylor Hicks.”

Apparently, I was asleep at the switch again and needed a map to look over as he was just casually walking by. (He’d already gotten a picture with Taylor earlier on his way into visit the Sirius studios)

“Excuse me, would you mind taking a picture with me?” I asked and put my phone on selfie mode and he looked at me, smiled and then said “Why don’t I take it instead? I’m much taller so it’ll look better.”

OK, so no one likes a smart ass Taylor, but full disclosure (and I’m quoting the scholar Mona Lisa Vito here) you were “dead on balls accurate!” He actually is much taller than me and the picture really does look better than some of the selfies I’ve taken. OK, it looks better than pretty much all of the selfies I’ve taken even though I look like someone stole my toupee and ran off.

Here’s how my normal selfies look – NOT my best angle!!! I’d like to blame this on the phone, but I think it might be time for some selfie training.

This might be a new selfie strategy for me instead of carrying around a kid’s potty stool to stand on – I might just ask the taller person take the photo from now on. Granted, not everyone is as cool as Taylor was to stay and chat, but I’m gonna try. The last thing I need is for another picture to come out looking like this one of me and NBA star Jason Collins:

I mean come on – it looks like he’s babysitting me! I’m standing up nice and tall in my big boy shoes and I’m still not even nipple height!

Short apparently isn’t my only problem: one of the ladies I work with took one glance at the picture of us and said “how is it that this guy who’s full grey looks so much better? At least this picture looks better than your usual ones.” I guess it’s just the universe’s way of reminding me that being funny is a reward unto itself. Or at least that’s what I’ll say when I cry myself to sleep at night…Either way Taylor, thank you and here’s to hoping they end up making you a judge on the new American Idol reboot!

New single available now!

CelebriTuesdays: ELISABETH – OH NO SHUE DIDN’T!!!

October 10, 2017October 10, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 7 Comments

I guess I’ve been spoiled lately by landing some pictures along with celebrities so I forgot that they’re actually people who might want to be left alone. Elisabeth Shue’s car pulled up and she couldn’t be moving any quicker if she were in a race. She was Leaving Las VegEscalade or maybe she just took one look and wasn’t in the mood to sidle up next to my sweaty awesomeness on such a hot day.

No offense, but this is the best Thor movie ever made!

It wasn’t her intention, but her assistant did make me feel like I had finally “made it!” As they were walking by trying to get her inside the building, her assistant put her arms up to block the cameras and started yelling “No, No…I said No pictures!” I couldn’t help but laugh to myself and think a) I am officially now a stalker since I’ve finally been yelled at and b) Chris in Adventures in Babysitting seemed so much nicer than this…

When I say she was blocking our cameras, I mean she was blocking cell phones. It’s not as if I’m walking the streets rocking a heavy duty Paparazzi-level camera with a lens as big as my arm or any equipment for that matter. I’m not crazy, although, lately I have toyed with the idea of bringing a little step stool around to make me seem taller in some of these photos. Nothing major, just maybe an unassuming toddler potty step stool or a little soap box.

Elisabeth, I’m a fan and I know Shue don’t owe me even one single minute of your time, but are you kidding?Yes – Shue are still awesome, but Shue were in Piranha 3D for God’s Sakes! You’re talented and all, but you’re only promoting a small role in Battle of the Sexes; I’m concerned the news of the upcoming Karate Kid TV series, Cobra Kai being greenlit might have gone right to your head! Ease on down the road there Liz…

This is The Karate Kid that matters – not that sacrilegious Jaden version…

As my own private protest for this egregious snub, I will no longer Wax on or Wax off when I think about Ali in The Karate Kid – take that Mr. Myagi! Full disclosure, I don’t really know the Shue story here: the assistant probably needed her to be in the makeup chair to tease out that fro and get ready for the appearance as it’s her actual job to get her places on time. My only saving grace was that she didn’t utilize the Larry David defense strategy and throw a big red ass up in the way! Still – maybe next time, just don’t block this chubby guy’s photo…

When I met Mr. Miyagi on vacation and he showed me a few moves.

CelebriTuesdays: Larry David – He Curbed My Enthusiasm when he bolted for the car but seriously – he might be my dad!

October 4, 2017October 4, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

I made a stupid, amateur move last week: I was texting when I should have been paying attention and a huge catastrophe happened: I missed getting a picture of Larry David. I wouldn’t have been able to get one with him as he was rushing out of there like he stole something, but I couldn’t gave at least gotten a shot of that fabulous bald crown! Stupid texts!

I was texting my friend Beena back about things that definitely could have waited but I thought I had more time when the commotion started as he came out and was rushing to the car. It took me far too long to realize and react to what was going on; although I tried to get my phone out of text mode and over to camera mode, it wasn’t to be as he was just too fast for me. I realize the absolute absurdity of that statement because basically a 70 year old man outran me…I should have been on my game, and now I know that when they say texting can wait – they mean it!

I was happy that I did at least get to see him in all his neurotic glory in person, but I didn’t get a snap. Normally my cat-like reflexes kick in, but apparently, this feline must have been asleep. I followed him to his car and tried to get a quick shot, but his people were maneuvering so fast. I was right there, but it was like little bald Larry shouted “cover me” and all of a sudden from out of nowhere, there was a bright red ass in between us! They have facial recognition software so advanced now, but the posterior recognition technology is severely lacking. Forget Amber and consider this my Imodium Ambutt Alert to help me identify this backside so she can help me get a message to Larry about how we need to connect.

Just like Jimmy Kimmel did to Larry and Larry did to Suzie in the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm – I was Foisted! They got a bum assistant thrust upon them, while I just got an assistant’s Bum thrust on me! It’s not like I can brag and tell people – “look right past that red ass and you can see Larry’s shoe and the crest of his bald scalp!” That could be my bald scalp in the car and no one would know.

I have been speculating for some time now, but I’m pretty sure Larry David is really my father. Don’t see the resemblance between us: I’m bald, have terrible eyesight and once stepped over a woman that had fallen into the tracks on Amtrak without ever considering offering to assist because I didn’t want to miss the train…No one likes to ever think bad things about their own mother, but who could blame any young woman for not being able to resist that Mack Daddy’s considerable charms back in the day? Homeboy had some mad game! If I find out he was hanging out at the Central Islip bowling alley back in the 70’s I’m definitely calling Maury and getting a cheek swab from him! I was going to start a website to keep people informed of my progress with Larry, but http://www.islarrydavidmydad.com was already taken!

Come on – who wasn’t trying to hit this back in the day? One glance and I bet the panties were a droppin!

Help me out and let’s get this mysterious red bottom trending on Twitter until she gets me a tete-a-tete with Larry. If you recognize that bottom, tag her and put me in contact. If not, share it and maybe a friend will claim that backside. If you own that bottom, don’t be afraid – I’m harmless. Families should be together and one day, Larry and I are gonna look back on this and plotz!

They didn’t call him Black Magic for nothing! When he borrowed these clothes from Richard Simmons and teased out that fro, he looked just like a younger, Menschier Hugh Hefner. Look at that leg tone – no wonder I’m a runner!

Larry – let’s meet like Cary Grant & Deborah Kerr planned to in An Affair to Remember except, not in a romantic way, not at the top of the Empire State Building as I don’t really care for heights, and let’s look both ways before crossing. We can meet at the finish line of the NYC Marathon Sunday November 5th. I’ll be about 43,000 people back from the front – you can’t miss me as I’ll be the chubby guy leaving an oil slick of sweat through Central Park and you can present my medal to me as if I were in the Olympics! You can hum the Chariots of Fire Theme song and I’ll already be running in slow motion. Afterwards, we can compare forehead sunburn stories and hit up the Who’syourdaddy.com DNA truck on Lexington Avenue for a quick check then head to dinner. I’d say we could go and have a catch like Kevin Costner and his dad in Field of Dreams, but then I’d need bug spray and who wants to hang out in a creepy field anyway? I know what can happen there – I saw Signs!

I was bummed about Larry and didn’t see how I could possibly cheer myself up, when there was another small commotion shortly after: Nicole’s here, Nicole’s here…That was all I needed to hear and instinct kicked in! I pushed past a few people to get to the car thinking this is how the universe will make it up to me for missing Larry David’s picture – and then she came out of the car. I thought when people were clamoring about Nicole that it was Ms. Kidman which set my heart racing and sent me pushing, as there’s always “The One” and for me, it’s her. When it turned out to actually be Nicole Richie and not Nicole Kidman, I had now pushed my way through other people like an animal and couldn’t pretend that I didn’t like her as much because I’d seem like a lunatic so I asked for a picture.

She smiled and posed and I was like “you look great” although I wanted to take the Clif bar out of my bag and feed it to her or put it into the pocket of that Jacket she obviously borrowed from Cruella De Ville. I was trying to get my good selfie face on and not think about the stroke face I was sporting in the picture with her father Lionel when I tried to sing and be funny but, alas, this face can only do so much. I was so worried about my expression looking weird, that I didn’t even worry about the shining spotlight reflecting off of my own bald head – it was as if I’d gotten Larry David in the photo after all! 

It’s like I should be a wedding photographer – my photog skills are on point! 🙂

CelebriTuesdays: I met the meowsician Cat Stevens and he was Purrfect!

September 26, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

I can hit you with all my cheesy puns just to make this a cat-astrophic post, but that would be paw-sitively awful and nobody’d want to read it. Also, it’s not like I wasn’t feline OK, after I met him I was feeling pawsome. At least I didn’t have to try and purr-suade him to take a picture with me because he didn’t give me any cat-itude. OK, Now that it’s out of my system, we can continue on with the post.

How crazy: As I was listening to it – there he was!

I was at work and I’d gotten some upsetting news so I went for a walk to clear my head and I was just kind of asking the universe for some clarity and a sign. Even though Annie told us that the sun will come out tomorrow, sometimes you just need a reminder that it will. Ask and you shall receive, because the universe heard me calling and sent me Cat Stevens!

I know that this will sound ridiculous and unbelievable, but I was walking down the street, listening to my Iphone songs on shuffle and randomly Father and Son came on. Always a favorite, I was listening to it when all of a sudden – I turned and saw Cat Stevens standing there. He appeared like a mirage right there while I was listening to his song! Thank God I also have cat-like reflexes similar to Mr. Stevens, because I stopped, dropped, and ran right into the building to see him. It was as if the universe tapped me on the shoulder and said “you wanted a sign…”

His two security guards saw my special kind of crazy coming up and were like “Whoa, he’s gotta go” but by now I was right next to him rambling on incoherently as I tend to do. “I was just listening to you…just now…father and son…on my phone…just now…” and then held out my phone to him as if looking at a black Iphone was in some way offering him any clarity for my rambling…In hindsight, this is probably why famous people stop and take pictures with me – they think something is really wrong with me and they feel bad!

Cat Stevens smiled back with compassion, true grace, and a look of confusion almost as if he were watching a foreign film and waiting for the subtitles to scroll across the bottom of his screen. I just finally blurted out “Sir, can I please take a picture with you?” and he smiled and gracefully acquiesced. It was like it was happening in slow motion and I just couldn’t believe it. “Thank you, thank you…” was all I could muster as I was so excited and really couldn’t believe I was actually seeing him in person because I’m a huge fan. I was smiling and not saying a word so as not to ruin this picture with my messed up facial expressions, when he reached out, shook my hand and said I was welcome with a huge smile. I’m not saying that I made his day or anything, but I’m pretty sure I came close and he definitely made my week. I asked for a sign and the universe sent me Cat Stevens! If that’s not believing that all power can’t be seen, I don’t know what is. One look at this icon’s big smile and the happy sunflower on his shirt and I could hear him singing: Take your time, think a lot – think of everything you’ve got and it just made me smile.

This is not Cat Stevens, but it is an actual NASA recruit.

I know this sounds weird, but as I was shaking his hand and staring incoherently at this legend’s hypnotic white Papa Smurf beard, only one thought was in my head: would he think it’s as ironic and funny as I do if I told him how my sister once shit on a cat? I’m sure he gets those cat jokes and stories all the time and yes, she really shit on a cat! (LINK HERE TO CAT SHIT STORY) Actually, thank God my sister wasn’t with me when I saw him – she’d have been just as excited as I was, but I wouldn’t have been able to help myself from saying “Carlotta, please don’t shit on this cat too! Be careful Mr. Stevens – she has a bad habit of shitting on cats!” I feel bad saying that out loud because he’s such a zen little peanut that I really like, but it’s all I could think of. OK, maybe there is something wrong with me after all. I share this story with you not to humble brag and say that I met Cat Stevens and you didn’t (although technically, I did and you didn’t!) it’s to serve as a cautionary tale for my sister because you really can’t just go around shitting on cats anymore. I mean she didn’t shit on Cat Stevens; she shit on an actual, meow meow kitty cat – and ironically enough, the cat was named Pretty. My sister is going to read this and say “come on – it only happened one time” as if that makes it OK, but I just want the record to show that I warned him. He did sing “Oh Baby, It’s a wild world” but I don’t think that’s exactly what he meant…

My foot surgery was more like General Hustle than General Hospital!

September 21, 2017November 28, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 6 Comments

It’s a little known fact that while laid up recuperating on my couch in Sleepy Hollow, I pretty much invented the “binge-watching” movement along with my friend Li (The Chinese food Delivery Guy made famous by my Tony no Here post. I needed surgery because I’d broken my left ankle while playing volleyball and I was extremely worked up because I’d never broken anything before unless you count the record I smashed binge-watching all nine seasons of Dynasty!

Without a doubt, the best show ever made!

Keep I mind that this wasn’t binging TV shows like it’s so easy to do nowadays with a million things available on Netflix or Amazon or Hulu or on your phone; this was me having to get every season of the show piecemeal on EBAY. Then when I finally got them (in the mail, mind you, which took forever), I tore through them non-stop like a rabid dog with a bone. I was laid up and laid out but finally they were gonna slice me open and fix me like The Six Million Dollar Man. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and if my life was a movie you’d faintly hear Michael Bolton singing along with me on the couch “When I’m back on my feet again…”

The day of the surgery, I was a bundle of crazy nerves and my normally neurotic self was on hyper-overload. I’d arrived armed with my wife and my sister for emotional comfort, two boxes of Imodium AD for gastric support, and a big black X drawn on my ankle for physical support and to make sure they didn’t cut open on the wrong foot. That may seem like an urban legend, but I wasn’t taking any chances. My surgical prep nurse, Nurse Ratched, took one look and needless to say, she was not amused with my sharpie skills and that was just the start of multiple things we wouldn’t see eye to eye on.

It was an early morning surgery and I hadn’t eaten anything since midnight and was starving. My nervous stomach wasn’t playing nicely with all the butterflies and the painkillers I was on mixed with a splash of my ever-present Imodium AD. As the nurse was filling out the paperwork and asking me questions, she told me to remove my clothes. Obviously I thought this strange as it wasn’t a casting call for the Magic Mike sequel, just a random hospital examination room.

“Um, that’s OK, just the ankle getting done, so not really gonna get naked but thank you for the offer.” I said.

She was not very interested in discussing it. “You need to be completely undressed for surgery.”

“No, actually I don’t. Once again, thanks for the offer, but I’m having surgery on my ankle – why would I need to be naked? You know where the ankles are right? I can see taking off my socks and maybe my pants, but why would I possibly need to take off my underwear? I’m not taking my underwear off! What’s going on here?” I’m not a calm person normally, but this was starting to set me off.

“Listen Sir, if you don’t take your underwear off, we’re going to cut them off of you!”

“Listen lady, if I wake up and you’ve cut my underwear off, I’m cutting yours off next!”

“This is not optional, it’s not sanitary and you need to remove your clothes!”

The peanut gallery, and by that I mean my wife and sister, were not being very supportive or having my back at this point and really just trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness. My wife was like, “just take your contacts out and lay back and relax – you’ll feel better and it’ll be over soon.” It was just like what the masseuse told me before she massaged me and then proceeded to flick my testicle on our Honeymoon. Advice you should never take: “Just take your clothes off and listen.”

I was outnumbered and outgunned here, so I begrudgingly removed my clothes all the while picturing the conversation they’d be having about this up in the operating room over my listless body: “Why wouldn’t he take off his underwear? Is he a never-nude like Tobias? What’s with this big black X on his ankle? Poor little guy, he’s obviously a grower, not a shower.”

Either way, relaxed is not a word one would be using to describe me that day. As they came in to wheel me down the hallway to the butchers in the basement, I was contactless so everything was blurry which actually did make me feel better. They’d already administered the anesthesia, which also helped to make me groggy, and they told me to count down from 100 and off I’d go…My wife and sister were following the gurney down the hall telling me to relax when an orderly sidled up to the guy pushing me: “Hey Scott, are you heading downstairs? Will you drop this sample off at the lab on your way?” and he proceeded to gently place a bag on my stretcher. My wife and sister gasped and looked at each other in shock as I was squinting up a storm and trying to sit up and see if I was hallucinating with that clear plastic bag. “Is that shit? Is there shit in that bag? That looks like shit! Is that Sh…” and with that the anesthesia kicked in and I was knocked out! There was a bag of someone’s shit – someone’s shit – being transported on me like it was nothing! Literally, my nightmare came true and there wasn’t enough Imodium AD in the world to prevent that shit storm from getting me!

As I was coming to in the recovery room, my wife and sister got Nurse Ratched to tell her I was awake and I started babbling again as if someone had just pressed pause on me when the anesthesia kicked in: “There was shit on me! There was shit on me! I saw it – it was shit! There was shit on me!” My wife was saying I was crazy and trying to tell me that I must have been mistaken to reassure me and calm me down, but one look at my sister’s face told me it was definitely shit! The nurse thought I was having a reaction to the anesthesia and was concerned until my wife told her what my incoherent babbling was about. Needless to say, it was a shitty operation!

Only me right? I mean, who does that happen to? I go in for what was supposed to be routine surgery and they turned me into a fecal drug mule! I can’t help but feel like this wouldn’t have happened on ER – Grey’s Anatomy maybe – but definitely not on ER…Where’s Julianna Margulies when you need her?

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!