My recurring travelling nightmare...

My recurring travelling nightmare…

 

Last week I was in Chicago for a work trip and I lost my stash of Imodium AD. My Imodium Ad stash isn’t like the pimp-stache I used to rock above my lip back in college that was nicknamed the tickler; this is one has a serious job to do. It’s not a fancy monogrammed tin or anything, just a plain old Advil travel size container that I use to transport my tiny little life-support system. While out gallivanting one night at the bar “networking” I apparently dropped it out of my pocket and went into full panic mode.

 

Tken during my second Junior year in college - no one told me that the pimpstache was just a little too much...

This was taken during my second Junior year in college – no one told me that the pimpstache was just a little too much…

 

I used to keep my Imodium AD in a round mint tin that I was very attached to, but that met an unfortunately tragic end. Long story short, I was following my brother and sister-in-law to the Long Island Expressway through some back roads that I was unfamiliar with when they got out to hug me goodbye. THEY STOPPED THE CAR AND GOT OUT TO SAY GOODBYE ON THE EXPRESSWAY! WHO DOES THAT? Why they couldn’t just waive and drive on like normal people do is anyone’s guess, but we were coming from a funeral so emotions might have been higher than usual. As I got out of the car to see why they stopped, the tin dropped to the ground and rolled right onto the Expressway. It was like it happened in slow motion and I immediately freaked out as it took all of three seconds before it was run over by a hottie in a red hoopdie who sprinkled my Imodium all over that highway like confetti!

 

 Terms-Of-Endearment

 

As you can imagine, I responded as any normal person would after seeing something so traumatic: they had to restrain me from chasing it into the street like a psychopath while I was screaming like Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment when she’s in the hospital and it’s time for Debra Winger’s shot. My stomach dropped and I fell to my knees crying out in pain because I almost had a heart attack at that sight while those two just laughed their asses off…no sympathy that I was on my way to the airport and might need to make the drive commando now. Meryl Streep had an easier time making Sophie’s Choice than I did getting over seeing something I treasure destroyed like that…Needless to say I stopped and refilled and replaced the tin so everyone could rest easy…

 

As I’ve highlighted before, me traveling for work is normally difficult , but adding this to the mix doubled my stress load. My first stop the next morning was at 8:30 AM, so I did what I could and hit the market kiosk in the hotel lobby. Why they don’t sell items in bulk I’ll never guess, but they only had Imodium AD two packs. So I got ten of them figuring I could stop at CVS after my appointments for the day were over and fully restock. Since it was a Wednesday morning, there were quite a few corporate travelers like me filling the lobby as I waited in line to pay at the Front Desk.

 

As my turn arrived, the Agent looked at the heap of Imodium AD I had placed on the counter and he gasped. He looked from the pile right up at me and said “Oh my God, Are you OK?” Normally, this really wouldn’t have been a big deal if there weren’t four people on line in back of me and he hadn’t said it so loud that they all heard and immediately looked at what I was buying. I looked back at him and said “Yes, thank you for asking” and took out my wallet to which he replied “Buddy, I’m not going to charge you for these…if you’re in pain and need that many – they’re on me!” I guess it would have been a nice gesture if he hadn’t been talking so God damned loud that everyone and their mother could now tell that gastric disruption was going to be a big special part of the rest of my day. I guess it might not have been that bad if the elevator had come a little quicker after me paying for them so that I didn’t have to ride down to the hotel entrance with two of the people from the line staring as if I might lose control of my colon at any moment. You know that look of disgust mixed with judgment mixed with a hint of the stink eye? That’s what they were coming at me with and I really can’t blame them. What could I do? It wasn’t like I could tell the front Desk Agent or those people that it was preventative… I guess we all have our cross to bear…

julianne-morre-300x267

 

What’s the lesson we learn here? Right, always have a backup case for your Imodium because there might come a day when the hotel lobby might not have Imodium and you’ll really be screwed!  I almost felt like it was a little bit of karma from the night before. I proceeded to explain to a colleague (that bears a more than striking resemblance to Julianne Moore but from The Kids Are All Right, not Boogie Nights) that if she took more than four minutes in the restroom, the assumption was that she was dropping a deuce. She tried to dispute that logic, but come on – I wasn’t being judgmental – just factual. You know those people that come back after a spell and try to pretend they met a friend and got to talking on the bathroom line – they’re liars! Own the deuce and the time you took for it – we all know that’s what you’re doing. You’re not checking your messages or emails at 9:30 PM! If you’re just going in to pee – there is no way it takes that long. Am I wrong here? I may be crazy about a lot of things, but I’m not sure I’m off the mark on this one…

 

Advertisements

Join the conversation! 11 Comments

  1. I laughed out loud. I’m sure it was not funny at the time but it’s a great story to tell. Thanks for sharing. Great post.

    Like

    Reply
  2. I have IBS and I have to take Immodium every morning. No shit! Well, I hope No Shit. I mean not until I find a clean bathroom anyway.

    Seriously, I purposely took a job 1 mile from my home so I wouldn’t have those halfway there panic poopys again. Can you feel my pain? Yeah, right there. It’ sucks.

    I have nightmares where I can’t find a clean toilet and then when I do it’s in the middle of a bingo hall. I dream in smellavision. Not good.

    Like

    Reply
    • I think that you and I might be related. People make fun of it but it is a serious issue. I used to work a mile from home and was hesitant about commuting on the train for obvious reasons. I feel your pain and can’t help but feel like we are bonded in a way soldiers in battle are…

      Like

      Reply
      • I was reading your reply when I had to make “an emergency sit down head call”. (Marine term)
        Sometimes in Marine Corp Boot Camp I went a couple of days without pooping. Painful!

        My wife makes fun of me because when we go anywhere, ballgame, shopping whatever I almost always have to “mark my territory”.

        If I ever become famous, millions of places around the country will have signs reading “Agent 54 pooped here”.

        Like

      • Couple of days? I would love to go a couple of hours without it. I can’t go in public. There’s been issues including one at Parris Island randomly. That post is on there too. It’s called. Me at Parris island with the marines. No good can come of this. I’m reporting it today for the holiday

        Like

      • I’m gonna start looking out for those signs. It’s only a matter of time now

        Like

  3. Okay, I’m sorry but this was hilarious. I have a new staff member who happens to have IBS and this is a daily conversation in our office.

    Like

    Reply
  4. This was totally hilarious!!!

    Like

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

About www.immodiumabuser.com

Funny ass blogging mofo. I write a crazy blog called Immodiumabuser.com with all my embarrassing moments put on display. Connect on Facebook (im Immodium Abuser) or like my page at Facebook.com/immodiumabuser

Category

My Crazy Friends, No One To Blame But Myself...

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,