CelebriTuesdays: Wanna hear a story? I met NeNe & N.O.R.E.!

February 28, 2018March 1, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 8 Comments

Sometimes you meet someone and they have a wild spirit while sometimes you meet someone and they’re just crazy – NeNe Leakes is a great mix of both of those!

I must confess that I’m not a Real Housewives fan. I can only identify some of the women from the show because my wife has scarred me by showing some of their over-the-top moments. I’ve seen NeNe Leakes on other TV shows like Glee and The New Normal thought she was funny, but in real life, she was hysterical! You can see why they follow her around with cameras – she’s damn crazy in the best way possible.

Her black car pulled up the street to pass by the crowd of young girls waiting for the guys from Five Seconds of Summer, but I saw her walking towards her car and went right over: “NeNe, my wife loves you!” It was as if I told something so obvious – like the sky was blue – and she just gave me a knowing look and said “I know she does.” “Would you take a picture with me?” I asked and she promptly took control. I don’t know if directing is in her future, but she was certainly directing our photo shoot.

I lifted the phone to prepare the selfie, when she let me know how to do it. “That’s on video – slide it over to take a picture.” I slid it over and held the phone up thinking we were ready to snap, but boy was I wrong. “You gotta hold that camera higher.” I lifted it a little higher thinking I was ready… “Higher” she said so I lifted it again. “Higher” she said again and I lifted yet again. “Higher…OK, now you can take it” and she laughed then started making kissing faces so we could snap a few pictures and she was making me laugh.

After we finished snapping, I thanked her and stepped aside so I wasn’t in the way of my friend’s picture as he was next. She took one look at him and said “Whoa, you’re tall!” so I looked back at her and said “NeNe, how come you didn’t say that to me?” She paused for all of one second and then gave me that famous side-eye look like I was crazy, then proceeded to laugh hysterically. We were all laughing and the look on her face was priceless – similar to this look:

It was literally like a scene out of a sitcom with her one-liners; she really is naturally funny and just had us cracking up. We were also cracking up because there were a couple of men who weren’t getting pictures, just shouting out “QUEEN…QUEEN…” which for some reason in this situation, didn’t seem as crazy as it normally should have. I actually thought they might be with her at first (which didn’t explain them screaming out Queen, but you never know); I didn’t realize until her car pulled away they were just fans shouting out to her as if that was normal. I also didn’t realize we were getting photo bombed either:

Watch out for that photo bomb!

She was awesome, she looked great, and she also made me consider extensions for a hot minute, which I don’t think I could pull off as well as her.

Finally a look I can pull off!

A look I basically pull off every day is the bald head and gold chains N.O.R.E. the rapper wears. I don’t think the jeweled Newport box he normally wears is necessarily the right accent piece for me, but what do I know about fashion?

Now that’s jewelry!

N.O.R.E finished his interview at Sirius and was heading out to his car when he stopped to chat with us. There was a crowd of about 12 – 15 people and I had my phone in my hand when I walked up and he stopped and said “that’s not a warrant, is it” and busted out laughing. I guess I was a little overdressed in my suit and tie compared with his Royal Tannenbaums sweatsuit, but he was so cool anyway.

Just like my sister’s track suit

I gave my friend the camera to take the picture of us and everything was fine as he sidled up to take the picture when I shook his hand. Don’t ask me how it happened, or even why it happened, but instead of selfie training, I need to get some immediate handshake training. For some reason I ended up not shaking his hand but I started shaking his thumb!

How weird it that? How did that even happen? Next thing I know, I’m closing in on that thumb and he’s pointing at me like “This dude is wacked out!” I tried to pretend I hadn’t just fondled little Thumbkin and thanked him, then he went in his car.

Ever the one to build my self-esteem, my sister took one look at the photo and ever the poet she told me that it looks like I’m jerking his thumb off. She did follow it up by saying that she is glad the look of constipation is off of my face in the current crop of pictures though. Only me…

Just when I finally start smiling for the pictures, I go and manhandle the thumb. I should have said “Thumb-body loves you” while we were taking the picture, but that would have just been creepy. From now on, I’m just going to stand still and put my hands at my side like a Stormtrooper. I don’t know about you, but thumb-thing like this makes me laugh and think it’s no wonder people think I’m crazy.

CelebriTuesdays: Big News – I Met Terry Crews!

February 20, 2018February 20, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 6 Comments

Terry Crews was visiting Sirius and he could not have been cooler if he was Frozen like Elsa. He’s a class act and hysterically funny to boot. The Brooklyn 99 star is 6’3” and jacked up so he’s pretty hard to miss anyway, but he walked through the lobby with that huge smile, He walked over and said “You wanna take a picture with me?” as if he were the one excited to take it with me. I didn’t even have to ask for a snapshot – he asked me first. The look on his face was priceless and I like this picture better than the one of us together. He was clowning around and it felt like a scene from his TV show:

I went over for our selfie and he (obviously being WAY taller than me and sensing that he’d have to crouch down to the floor to be at eye level with me) said “No Man, let’s have her take it – it’ll come out much better” and he was right. We gave the camera to someone else to take the photo and it came out great. When I say the picture came out great – I mean that he looks great, but I look like that dwarf from Game of Thrones standing next to him.

Anyone else feel like this is how you look in pictures?

I look short and scrawny standing next to Terry Crews, but thankfully I don’t look Smurf-like as I did here with NBA star Jason Collins:

This is ridiculous – I look like a Smurf standing next to him!

He’s Mr. Charisma and everyone loves him; he was joking around and chatting everyone up – just such a cool guy.

Of course, in between taking the photo of him and then passing off my phone to take our picture together, I snapped another one and it’s all screwed up as per the norm with my photos:

Don’t attempt to adjust your screen, it’s just one of my typical blurry selfies…

I just got a new phone so hopefully the pictures will be better from now on but, I’m tempering my expectations accordingly because Herb Ritts I am not.

How to see every 2018 Oscar Nominated Film!

February 20, 2018February 22, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 10 Comments

If there is one question people ask me (besides how do I always look so handsome) its how do you see every film nominated for the Oscars? There are 44 feature films and 15 short films nominated for the 2018 Academy Awards and if you’re like me, you scour the internet for show times and hustle from city to city making sure you’ve seen every single film nominated for the Academy Awards before the March 4th telecast. My wife is usually a willing partner with me, but the year I made her drive over ninety minutes each way to see an Best Song nominee while she was pregnant pushed her past the breaking point. Now, we see as many as we can together and then I fly solo for the rest. I always see them all and luckily, this year there are a ton of films already streaming and on DVD to make it much easier.

If you haven’t been keeping up with the films and need some direction – I’m here for you. First, look over the nominations list and check off what you’ve already seen. If by chance, you haven’t seen any of the nominated films, fret not because you still have time to catch up! You don’t need to see all 59 films nominated – most people just see the Best Picture nominees but you can set your own goal. I’m not here to tell you what to see and judge you for not seeing as many movies as me, just to offer you a comprehensive guide on how to see what you want to see! Take a deep breath because this can be overwhelming, so buckle up and let’s go!

FIRST OFF – If you live under a rock and don’t know what films are nominated for the 90th Annual Academy Awards then click here for the nominations:

In case you’re thinking this is going to cost you an arm and a leg, there are many films available at no additional cost because they’re already included with your subscription to Netflix, HBO or Amazon Prime.

Netflix:
Mudbound
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Beauty and the Beast
The Boss Baby
On Body and Soul
Last Men in Aleppo
Strong Island
Icarus
Heroin(e)

The Breadwinner

Amazon Prime:
The Big Sick
Abacus: Small Enough to Jail

HBO & HBO GO:
Traffic Stop

Streaming free on Topic.com
Edith + Eddie

Streaming free on Firstshowing.net
Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405 (***MY FAVORITE FILM OF THE YEAR!)

Streaming free on YouTube:
Dear Basketball

For the following films, there is a charge, but you can make a real dent in some of the major categories with the movies NOW STREAMING on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play. (You can also get them free of charge at your local Library by going old school and picking up a DVD too!)

Lady Bird
Get Out
Three Billboards Outside Ebbings, Missouri
Dunkirk
Darkest Hour
Roman J. Israel, Esq.
The Florida Project
Blade Runner 2049
The Disaster Artist
Baby Driver
Coco
Wonder
Victoria & Abdul
War for the Planet of the Apes
Kong: Skull Island
Marshall
Loving Vincent

The Square
Lou
Knife Skills

If you do pay for movies on ITunes, Fandango or other services, sign up for Ebates here and get a $10 bonus now plus earn money back on ITunes and hundreds of purchases on most websites you’re using every day. No catch, it’s literally just free money back and I’ve gotten over $220 back since I started using it!

Available on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play February 27th:
The Shape of Water (The most nominated film this year with 13!)
Call me By Your Name
Animated Short Films (Five film bundle of Dear Basketball, Garden Party, Lou, Negative Space, Revolting Rhymes)
Live Action Short Films (Five film bundle of DeKalb Elementary, The Eleven O’ Clock, My Nephew Emmett, The Silent Child, Watu Wote/All of Us)
Ferdinand
Faces Places

Available on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play March 2nd:
I, Tonya

In Theatres only:
The Post
Phantom Thread
All the Money in the World
Molly’s Game
The Greatest Showman
Star Wars: The Last Jedi (If you haven’t seen this by now – come on young Padawans!)
Documentary Short Films Program A & B (Program A has three films including Traffic Stop which isn’t available online, so this is the only way to see it. The Program B films are available free on Netflix and ITunes).

If you go to the movies make sure that you sign up for Moviepass and take advantage of membership and the ability to see a movie every single day in thousands of available theatres for only $9.99 a month! That’s less than the cost of buying one movie ticket! If you buy tickets through Fandango – remember to use the Ebates App and get that money back!

Good luck catching up and getting caught up. Start with the Best Picture nominees or start with the films with the most nominations or just pick out of a hat and work your way down the list. There are some great films this year and if I could get you to watch only one – let it be Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405! It’s far and away my favorite film of the year and if you’re not moved by Mindy Alper’s story you just might be dead inside. I’ve seen a lot already and my checklist is almost complete, but even though I’m cramming all the last minute films in, I’m still here if you need suggestions or advice. Which are your favorites this year? What moved you? What bored you? What pissed you off? What’s overrated? Light up the comments below and tell the Immodium Abuser all about it!

CelebriTuesdays: Beauty and the Beard! Taylor Dayne & Zakk Wylde!

February 12, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

Two musicians that could not be more different were both visiting Sirius and who knew it was their lucky day: they got up close and personal with the Immodium Abuser! None other than 80’s big voice, big hair, and big ballad legend Taylor Dayne and former Ozzy Osbourne guitarist and Black Label Society founder Zakk Wylde.

Taylor Dayne is a legend of big 80’s ballads and bigger hair, and she was all bundled up to brave the winter chill, still took time to meet and take pictures when she was on her way out from visiting Sirius. “Taylor, my wife and I saw you in Aida on Broadway a few years ago” I said as we met. She laughed and looked at me with a big smile and there was that famous big voice: “That was way more than a few years ago.” We both chuckled, then I actually had to go back and look it up and that was way back in 2001. She’s right that was way more than a few years ago which begs the obvious question – how does she still look so good and I look like Charlie Brown’s father?

Where the hell did the time go? I feel like it was just yesterday that she was signing Tell it to My Heart and I’ll Always Love You, but apparently that’s now called musac. Most of her songs are older than kids currently graduating college and that my friends is exactly why getting old sucks! But she was really cool and I was stoked to meet her!

Zakk Wylde on the other hand truly lives up to his name and certainly is a Wylde man. He’s the former guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne and founder of the band Black Label Society. I asked for a picture and as we were taking it, he looked at the way I was standing and said “No way Dude – you gotta pose like this with your fist!” Who was I to say no to a request like that? My wife thinks this picture makes me look tough and since they just announced a casting call for the West Side Story that Steven Spielberg is remaking, maybe I’ll use this as my headshot to illustrate my street cred…

Full disclosure, if I wasn’t terrified that Zakk would have kicked the shit out of me I would have asked him to drape that flowing beard over my head so I can see what I’d look like with hair – now that would have been a great picture! Also, the man was wearing a chain. I don’t mean he was wearing a chain like MR. T – I mean he was wearing a chain like the kind that Mr. T would lock his gates with!

Giving new meaning to the expression “Yanking my chain!”

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know a lot about fashion, but a chain like that definitely makes a statement. What statement that is exactly, I’m not sure, but I certainly couldn’t pull that off. For one thing, how strong must your belt loops be to hold that baby up? Seriously, what kind of special pants are they – the chain weighs more than a toddler and yet he’s rolling though like its business casual. I’m tired walking to my car just holding my head up so I’d be exhausted hauling that thing around all day.

How does one even sit down with that chain on? It’s almost like there should be a gigantic pocket watch attached to the end of it just to show how absurd it is – but on him it works! The real challenge I see is if you’re walking by and your jam comes on: You Can’t Stop the Feeling when those hips start shaking. One wrong hip shake and you’ll see exactly what LL Cool J meant in Mama Said Knock You Out!

Mama said knock you out music video

Either way, it was my very own version of Beauty and the Beard without the teapot! Wylde man was awesome as was the Dayne with the Mane and at the end of the day, couldn’t we all use just a little more Taylor Dayne in our day?

CelebriTuesdays: Mirren, Mirren on the wall – Helen’s the fairest Dame of all! (and Donald Sutherland too)

February 7, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

It’s very tacky to brag about accolades and recognition, but if you lined up mine and Dame Helen Mirren’s career accomplishments side by side – you’d see awards with names like Oscar, Tony, Emmy, Golden Globe, Screen Actors Guild, and many more. There would also be a lot of empty Imodium AD boxes, but it’s not a competition – can’t we just support each other and share her trophies?

The Queen, Prime Suspect, Gosford Park, National Treasure, Elizabeth I, The Last Station, Trumbo, Hitchcock – there’s just nothing she does that’s not great. Even the Arthur remake was almost watchable because of her being in it.

See what I mean? When I’m not in the picture – it comes out clear as day. Once I’m in the picture, it’s almost as if it gets one look at me and trembles in fear as if my face broke the camera…

It was a dreary day raining on and off and I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think Helen Mirren might have magical powers and be able to control the weather just like the Chinese government. If this were Salem (and I mean the real Salem, not Days of Our Lives Stefano Dimera’s Salem) they might have burned her at the stake for witchcraft. She looked up and gave a perfect scowl of disdain to the NYC drizzle and poof – just like that – it stopped. That rain literally stopped. Maybe it was a coincidence and it wasn’t a torrential downpour anyway, but I’m not taking any chances if the New York rain won’t even mess with her.

She was just as awesome as she seems: greeting everyone, signing autographs and taking pictures, just working the crowd. In all her regal glory, everyone wanted to meet her when all of a sudden, I looked back at the car and realized that Donald Sutherland, was still in the car. Everyone was transfixed on her, so I rushed right over to tell him what a fan I was and he gladly snapped a few pics.

For anything Donald Sutherland has ever done or will ever do, nothing can top Ordinary People for me. He was amazing and heartbreaking and just the best Dad and for me, that’s the pinnacle. I do love He’s been in a ton of things and around forever, but that’s my favorite of his performances and it still holds up after all these years.

Not everyone got a picture with Donald Sutherland, but he did sign a few autographs and made his way inside with Helen. They were together promoting their new movie, The Leisure Seeker, on Sirius and had to get inside for their interview so it was a good thing I got to him first.

Click here for the trailer for The Leisure Seeker:

I as happy as a clam at my two-for-one sighting, and I headed off on my way. I thought it was already a fantastic day, not knowing I’d see this superstar so of course I ran over and had to ask for a selfie as he was getting ready for his close-up on FOX News:

Not sure why my phone has decided that it will take better pictures of me, the girl with the feed bag, and a random alpaca as opposed to the jacked up shake-n-bake pictures it took of me with Helen & Donald, but the struggle is real peeps! I read The Secret and its usually not this loud and clear, but it sounds like the universe is telling me to head right to the Apple Store and get rid of this busted ass phone…

Just when you think Helen Mirren couldn’t be any more awesome – CLICK HERE so you can see her crushing Drop the Mic with James Corden and she’ll remind you why she’s the Queen!

Helen Mirren DROP THE MIC

CelebriTuesdays: Guys, Coco better set another place for dinner cause I think Ice-T is my new Best Friend!

February 1, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 5 Comments

I’m not one to humble brag, mostly since I’m not really that good at humility, but I cannot believe that I haven’t mentioned Ice-T yet! Lucky for you that current events have now forced me into giving you a special Hump Day treat – another post! It’s sort of like getting a bonus Jonas without the preteen angst or acne.

I have been star gazing (or stalking if you will) for a bit now, but one of the very first times I realized that my daily path to work was paved with Hollywood stars was because of Ice-T! As I was walking to work, there was a bunch of people crowding a car that had just pulled up when all of a sudden, Ice-T got out. It all happened so fast: people were trying to get him to autograph things and asking him to snap photos with them so security got in close to block him and shouted “we have to get him inside right now!” and steered him towards the doorway. Thanks to my ninja stealth reflexes, quick-thinking, and terrifying fear of not getting to meet him – I sprang into action like Black Panther. I got right in between the female security guard that yelled about getting him inside and Ice-T and said loudly “Come on guys, we gotta get him inside!” and then put my arm around him and said “but real quick Ice…” and proceeded to snap a few pictures.

Here’s the one guy in NYC that I’m more tech savvy then. – he’s signing a polaroid picture!

What the hell is he asking him to sign? A frisbee or a paper plate?

He laughed and thought I was funny and said “you’re crazy” and laughed again while we took a few pictures and then he went off into the building for his interview on The Today Show. I merrily shuffled along to work thinking that would be the best part of my day – because seriously, what else could top that? Little did I know…

As is the required by NY State law upon such an occurrence, I posted the pictures to Facebook and I thinking only of my beloved Immodium Abusers in a case like this, I also sent out a tweet or two. I got a bunch of likes which was nice, but then I hit the mother load: Ice-Mother-Effin-T went and liked two of my tweets!!!! He liked two of my tweets!

Of course I saw that notification and then called my wife to share this most joyous of news thinking how over the moon she’d be as well. I immediately went into a ranting diatribe about how excited I was and proceeded to give her a play-by-play and she couldn’t say one word because I was rambling on so much. I started screaming how it was the best day ever (Literally the best day ever!) and tried to explain the latest updates as I had already called her from the corner earlier to tell her about meeting Ice-T. Thinking she’d be a supportive and understanding wife and as excited as I was, you can imagine my surprise by how non-plussed she was.

I was out breath and carrying on like a psycho for the second time that day and I thought we must have gotten disconnected because she wasn’t saying anything at all until she finally asked “How can this be the best day ever? What about the day we met or got engaged or the day we got married or maybe the birth of our three children???” “Honey those were great too, no one is comparing, but he liked two of my tweets – TWO!!! That means he was reading my stuff. That’s so crazy!!! How am I the only one freaking out here?” Now, I’m not saying that the birth of my children wasn’t a notable occasion or that my Wedding wasn’t memorable, but come on – it’s Ice-T. “Honey, did you even read the tweets? They’re really funny and Ice thinks I’m funny too! Did you hear me? Ice thinks I’m funny! He was reading my shit! “Honey, you need to get back to work and leave Ice the hell alone!” And then she was gone. I’m not saying he was overreacting, but have I mentioned that he liked two of the tweets? It wasn’t just a passing chuckle or glance – he went and liked two of them! That night she told me I guess I was lucky that he didn’t retweet them too or I might have actually shit my pants and she might be right on that one!

Now here’s the second tweet he liked:

As f that wasn’t awesome enough, fast forward to November when I was running the NYC Marathon. They set up an app where friends and family could submit pictures or messages to be shown on the jumbotron in Central Park to motivate you in the homestretch of the race. Knowing how busy Ice-T was, I took the liberty of creating and submitting a photo for him because that’s the kind of nice guy I am. During the race, I was really struggling with the pain, more chafing than any man should ever have to endure and the excessive sweating even through the constant rain most of the day. I was partially dead inside from the race, but once I got to Central Park, my mind was blown when low and behold, I looked up at the jumbo tron and there was me and Ice! I had th only reaction one man could have at a time like that and I started screaming and carrying on lie a little girl. There was a random lady running next to me that looked up when I started screaming and then she looked back at me and said “Holy Shit – Are you friends with Ice-T?” Obviously, I was carried away in the heat of the moment, but what else do you call someone who is supporting you through a really hard time in your life but a friend! “Yes he is lady, yes he is!” I think I was actually flying through the rest of Central Park after that because I was definitely on cloud 9.

The shot from the jumbo tron in Central Park.

I don’t even need to go into how cool of a Dad he is, so I’ll just leave it right here that my son LOVES Paw Patrol too – I smell a playdate coming up! Watch him going through cartoon theme songs on The Tonight Show here: Ice-T on Jimmy Fallon singing Paw Patrol Theme song.

Now that we’re up to speed, let me tell you about today. There I was, just minding my business and checking Twitter to see what Ice-T was up to (as friends normally do) and happened to see his Tweet about the Grammy loss for BodyCount:

Now what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say something? A bad one, you’re right. So I sent him a tweet – WHICH HE LIKED AGAIN!!!

That makes three likes! BOOM! Now – we’ve passed the Friend Zone and are entering Bestie territory. Time to grab drinks and catch up! And tell Ice Cube not to front – there’s enough room for everyone!

CelebriTuesdays: I felt The Big Sick after Kumail’s egregious Oscar snub!

January 31, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

I know what you’re thinking: the Oscars always omit deserving nominees and even though the field was expanded to include more films, this year is no different. How can the Academy legitimately present the best films and egregiously omit Kumail Nanjiani’s best work on the movie screen: Poop Talk? That’s obviously much more fun to talk about than me following after him down half a block to get a photo with him…

If you thought I was referring to The Big Sick, you might be sorry you clicked here. That’s also a really amazing film, but if I’m honest – it kind of pales in comparison to the depths of emotion and honesty that Nanjiani shows in Poop Talk. Forget about Holly Hunter and Ray Romano, this is the real deal – the meat and potatoes if you will. No, I am not making this shit up and you won’t see anything more real on your screen this year. There are no avian females or billboards here, but there are plenty of comedians and experts dropping their truth while celebrating the very last taboo: poop talk.

I will admit that when I first heard about Poop Talk, I was a tad bit offended that I was excluded from participating in the making of this masterpiece. Could there really be a better “expert” on the complex intricacies of number two than moi? I don’t think so and it’s shocking anyone else could either. That being said, since I am a part-time mature adult, I took a cue from Elsa and Let it Go. Also, I thought I’d channel these feelings of exclusion and abandonment into focusing on getting myself a role in the inevitable sequel which they should make just for the title alone: Poop Talk: Number 2 – Dance til I Puma Pants! It’s toilet porn with a lot more corn and you bet your sweet bippy I want in on that!

Poop Talk is in movie theatres and Video on Demand on ITunes on February 18th so get that Valentine’s Day Shopping done right now – who needs flowers or jewelry, when this is the gift that will show the depts. Of your affection. It’s guaranteed to bring out the smiles and laughter and I heard that Meryl Streep actually said it moved her like nothing has in the past few years. She also could have been talking about Nanjiani’s chili moving through her which would make more sense, but who am I to argue with her Streep-ness? Full disclosure, no one has ever heard her say anything like that, but it does sound like something she might say or it’s more likely that if the Dingo that ate her baby could talk, this is exactly what it would say…

In all seriousness, we should feel extremely fortunate because it’s not very often that you see an Oscar nominee chatting it up about dookies. In a perfect world, The Big Sick would win the Best Original Screenplay Oscar next month if only so that he could rush the stage extolling the virtues of poop and Imodium…I’m rooting for you Kumail – now let’s hang out and swap shitting stories Buddy! Friends talk about the jobs and family, but Best Friends talk about poop and boy have I got a shitload of stories for you!

This has nothing to do with this post, but I would never be able to use this bathroom!

Poop Talk trailer here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IrzZ0ceFyRY

CelebriTuesdays: Oh Mo She Didn’t! Beat me with a hairbrush and call me Precious – I met Mo’Nique!!!

January 24, 2018September 11, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

Dreams come true people, dreams come true. Last week, I sent a message out to the universe to meet Mo’Nique the Oscar winner from Precious, and just like in The Secret, they sent her to me. OK, full disclosure, I did ask the universe to also have her hit me and call me Precious while she was pummeling me, but sometimes you can’t be greedy and just getting a picture is enough. More importantly, I want you to take every single thing you have heard about Mo’Nique and toss it aside because I’m here to tell you that this woman is really awesome!

I’m a nightmare because technology is no friend of mine and by technology I really mean the complicated things to manage such as the camera on your phone. When I say this, I’m not exaggerating and as my friend Forrest said “I’m not a smart man.” I literally have no right to ever make fun of my mother-in-law for not being able to cut and paste when I can’t even work the damn camera on my phone. I have taken thousands of photos and still, I get myself into a state of confusion and even the simplest of pictures goes off the rails and looks like shit or doesn’t take. You may be reading this and wondering how it relates to Mo’Nique, but it does.

When you meet a famous person and they agree to take a photo with you, it’s not like you have an endless amount of time – they’re not going to stand around and wait all day. Your friends wouldn’t stand around and wait, so you can’t expect that a stranger will either. You have to be ready for the picture and most importantly, you need to be respectful of their time as this is an awesome thing they’re doing which they really don’t have to! That being said, I had a technological breakdown of sorts and of course it happened when it was my turn with Mo’nique. OK, that last bit just sounded a little dirtier than I meant it to, but you know what I’m getting at and thankfully there’s No’Nique to worry about mechanical issues with that equipment if you know what I’m saying 😉



If only I was this cool…

Anyway, as I walked over with the crowd of people asking for pictures, Mo’Nique could not have been nicer. She was hanging out, chatting everyone up, hugging everyone, just not in a rush and making sure that everyone got a picture with her. She was smiling and kind and seriously, just a sweetie. I have been doing this long enough to know when someone doesn’t want to be bothered and she was awesome. So there she is, taking nice pictures with everyone and there was a bunch of people around; TMZ was waiting to interview her and her bodyguard was trying to get her to their car – when it was finally my turn…

I’m almost embarrassed to share this video as I usually like you to think I’m a pretty cool dude, but it’s worth a good chuckle to see how flustered I got and what a fool I actually look and sound like. Pay attention to the facial expressions on the girl in the background waiting her turn and just looking at me like I’m such a moron. When it was finally my turn, I suddenly got flustered and all worked up because the camera on my phone was on video – not photo – and I couldn’t get it to switch back or take the picture. I thought for sure I’d miss my chance and that my Precious moment was over before it had even started. I could see the annoyed looks on the faces of the people waiting around me and actually having been in their shoes before, I know how it is to not get a photo because someone was taking too long with camera issues. Mo’Nique could have just blown me off and walked away and she probably should have, but she didn’t. She was really nice and truthfully, she probably thought I was slow or something was definitely wrong with me since little children can use camera phones without issue and here was an adult that couldn’t even snap a simple God Damn photo. It was as if it was the first time I’d ever seen a camera phone…

I’m not saying it was like when I was mistaken for a retarded person twice, but the looks on crowd’s faces were similar. She was like “OK Baby” and then she was like “Are you sure? Come on” and then she came back over to me after taking someone else’s picture and took one with me. Success! Seriously thought, it was very cool of her to do that and people don’t normally care if you got a picture or not. They’re usually rushing to get to their next appearance and basically, it’s really awkward to stand around with strangers gawking and snapping pictures.

This was a semi-disaster, but luckily it worked out. It was my own hubris biting me in the ass as I was starting to feel confident that my photography skills had been improving, and then another stumble. You may look at some of my photos and think they’re not half bad, but here’s a few you haven’t seen:

I’m lucky I can work the remote for our television, so I’m not expecting anything artistic or even trying filters, but a person should be able to at least get a decent shot of two people standing next to each other. I mean come on – it’s actually getting worse now. Look at these – just how does someone try for a selfie with Seal and end up with a picture of their shoe? Or sidle up to Taron Egerton for a shot and end up with a picture of Grey Man the good ghost? It’s like I don’t have control of my faculties or my fingers…just pathetic photo skills.

I appreciate her being nice and spending a little time with me, especially since Mo’Nique has been getting a bad rap lately with Netflix trying to pay her less than other comedians for a Stand-up special. I say, who cares what you were thinking Netflix – this is a PR nightmare and, more importantly, she’s an Oscar Winner! Mo’Nique needs to have her Golden Globe made into a giant ring like something Elizabeth Taylor would have worn and turn that Oscar into a headpiece like they wear to Ascot so she can rock them and remind Netflix that if a woman of color can beat the odds and make it all the way to the podium at the Academy Awards, skimping out on paying her fairly is not gonna fly!

I’ve only had this one interaction with her, but she left a great impression with me and the crowd – she was sweet and so patient with everyone (ahem, me). Some of the other people getting pictures have met her before and said that she’s been a sweetheart every single time they’ve seen her. Of course, there are always two sides to every story, but cut her some slack and give her the benefit of the doubt. Also, Netflix pay the woman what she’s worth! If for no other reason than it’s the right thing to do, please do it because she will whup your ass like Precious if you don’t!

Get Out: I, Tonya is more like I, Oscar as the nominations announcement takes Shape!

January 23, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

Forget about the Government shutdown or any of those nimrods running this country like a second-rate car wash and prioritize what’s important: Tuesday morning’s Oscar nominations announcement! This year’s race has been all over the place and exciting because there’s not one movie running away with everything – the critic’s prizes have been all over the place so Best Picture isn’t necessarily sewn up just yet.

Forget Christmas or New Year’s – Oscar Season is the most wonderful time of the year! If you don’t agree then you can just Get Out? If you had told me a year ago that this little horror movie would be an Oscar nominee – I’d have told you to get out, but in just a few hours it most certainly will be! I don’t know if I’ll get a Best Picture nomination, but it’s a really great film that’s sure to be recognized tomorrow.

I’m not one to launch into a checklist of all the categories with who I think will be nominated because that’s boring and that’s typical and I am neither of those things. We’ll jump around, but let’s talk Best Director. Do I think Lady Bird will get a Best Picture nomination – definitely. Do I think Greta Gerwig will get a Best Director nomination for it? I’m really hoping that I’m wrong, but unfortunately, I’m leaning towards no. Not because she doesn’t deserve it or she shouldn’t be nominated; I want to be wrong on this but I’m leaning towards no based on Oscar history. At this point, I don’t know that there’s anything to stop Guillermo del Toro from winning for The Shape of Water, but the Director’s Branch doesn’t go with the popular vote for their nominations and that’s especially true recently.

It may seem odd to overlook the front runner to one of the most talked about films this year, but there are only five spots and this is an old boys club that might just stick with the veterans like Spielberg and Ridley Scott over newer directors like Greta Gerwig or Jordan Peele. Also, there have only been four women nominated for Best Director and only one female winner. In 90 Years – how is that even possible? That fact in itself is hard to ignore and pushes me towards a Gerwig snub Tuesday morning…

If snubbing Greta Gerwig seems absolutely crazy, remember that this is the same Director’s branch that didn’t give Martin Scorcese a Best Director Oscar until The Departed in 2006! Take that in folks – Eminem was an Oscar winner for 8 Mile years before Martin-effin-Scorcese! Shameful as that is, Christopher Nolan has never even been nominated for Best Director – this nomination for Dunkirk will be his first! This is one branch of the Academy that doesn’t seem to go with emotions or what the public does like the acting branch. In fact, in recent years the Best Director hasn’t even lined up with the Best Picture winner which, historically, was never the case.

Remember how great it was when Kathryn Bigelow stormed the stage for The Hurt Locker to win Best Director? That was an anomaly. She was snubbed for Zero Dark Thirty shortly after in the same year that be Affleck was snubbed for Argo – which actually won Best Picture! How the hell does the film winning Best Picture not get a nomination for Best Director? Affleck’s snub was the best thing that happened to Argo; it made them the underdog and they ran on a “shame on you for not nominating Ben Affleck” campaign which gained momentum and won the trophy. That could certainly happen with Lady Bird if Gerwig isn’t nominated tomorrow – it would up the chances in a race that’s not over by a long shot and march Lady Bird right up to the podium!

Along with the snubs are the surprise nominations that come along every now and then; there are always a few head scratchers that seem to just come out of nowhere and I love them. Last year, Amy Adams was snubbed for Arrival which I didn’t love and then her costar Michael Shannon came out of nowhere and got nominated for Nocturnal Animals which he could do again with The Shape of Water. It’s a film that everyone has seen so he could possibly hear his name called if the film builds momentum. It’s extremely doubtful for so many reasons but just know that if he hears his name, Woody Harrelson or Armie Hammer definitely won’t.

Both The Shape of Water and Three Billboards will have three acting nominations but Sam Rockwell – it’s about damn time! Three Billboards will be the first film since Bugsy in 1992 with two supporting actors nominated for the same film. Those nominations are givens, but although quite unlikely, it’s entirely possible for Jessica Chastain in Molly’s Game to sneak into Meryl Streep’s The Post spot and Daniel Day Lewis might not get the love people are expecting for Phantom Thread leaving an open spot for Daniel Kaluuya for Get Out.

My big wish for the nominations is to see some love for Mudbound and The Big Sick and not just because I met Kumail Nanjiani and he’s awesome. I don’t think Mary J Blige is gonna make the cut for a Supporting Actress for Mudbound, so I’m rooting for her in the Best Original Song category! Mudbound is a great film, with a great story and a great cast that just happens to be written and directed by Dee Rees and I hope it gets the recognition it deserves. It should land a screenplay nod tomorrow, but getting a Best Picture nomination would be amazing, but it’s a very long shot.

If you think the race is over, consider that final Oscar voting closes on February 27th and the ceremony isn’t until March 4th – that is a lifetime away from now in Oscar campaigning and although Three Billboards has momentum right now, it’ll be hard to maintain that for the next month; I, Tonya could club the competition and surge up to a prime spot between now and then.

Well isn’t she Sweet, Sheryl Lee Ralph liked my tweet!

January 18, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

I posted my CelebriTuesdays: Dreamgirls Edition about meeting Sheryl Lee Ralph and Anika Noni Rose and wouldn’t you know it – not even a full day later Sheryl Lee Ralph liked one my Tweets!

She posted a picture of her trying on her friend Gary’s crazy pink furry hat and it would have been extremely rude of me not to tell her how good it looked – so I did. And then she would have been extremely rude not to like said tweet – which she did. It’s basic math: 1 + 1 = 2 or Sheryl + Immodium Abuser = now we’re best friends.

Separately from what an awesome picture it is, exactly where was Gary and his hat when I saw her? Seems like he’s been holding back on the goods and that just ain’t right – friends don’t hold back. Obviously, Gary isn’t a very good friend and the whole thing just seems a little selfish if you ask me; might be time to trade out Gary for Immodium. Most importantly what we’ve learned is that Sheryl Lee Ralph has a bag man named Gary just like Selena Meyer does and that is totally awesome!

Sheryl, I want to be your next Gary the Bag Man!

My wife thinks the best part of this whole scenario is that anyone, nonetheless a classy wonderful woman like this, would like anything I tweet when my profile picture is so absolutely ridiculous. I take it for granted because it’s been the profile picture for so long and I don’t judge people based on their looks, but I can see how some people might be put off by the self portrait I use for my profile:

My actual Twitter profile picture from way back in my modeling days.

Keep coming back each and every week to hear about my celebrity stalkings, I mean sightings. I’m super excited about tomorrow because Mo’Nique is supposed to be in town. One part of me wants to get a picture with her, but a bigger part of me is dying to whip out a wooden hairbrush and see if she’ll wallop me like Precious in the movie.

Forget throwing a shoe at Jennifer Hudson, if I can get Mo’Nique to whup me something fierce with that brush – consider the mic dropped. Nothing can top that. obviously, my wife is in disagreement with me about the merits of this plan, but the really scary part of this is that she’s really crazy so she actually might do it! Guess you’ll have to just come back next week and see if I got the brush off or not. Either way, Sheryl Lee Ralph – let’s keep working on our new friendship and don’t be stingy with that like button! No pressure Anika Noni Rose, don’t feel forced to like me and my tweets because Sheryl did…

CelebriTuesdays: Dreamgirls Edition – Sheryl Lee Ralph & Anika Noni Rose!

January 18, 2018January 18, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 5 Comments

It wasn’t a Dream when I saw these Girls! In December, I saw the star of the Broadway version of Dreamgirls – Sheryl Lee Ralph – and today I saw the Dreamgirls star from the movie version – Anika Noni Rose. As lucky as that is, even better was the fact that both pictures came out great!

Normally, I’d be making a weird face in these pictures because I’m a fool that thinks these wonderful performers are just waiting for me to waltz on up and serenade them. The story would have been a whole lot more interesting had I strutted over purring “It’s more than you. It is more than me. No matter what we are, we are a family…” but my wife has finally got it through my thick skull after all these years that no one (and she really stressed the words as she said it) NO ONE wants to hear me sing. Lesson learned, because when I tried to explain that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, she informed me that my singing is actually mutilation, not imitation. The last time I tried to sing for my wife was New Year’s Eve 2001 when I drunkenly convinced the band that I was actually a lounge singer and would love to serenade the love of my life for the crowd. They somehow believed that nonsense and thought it was really romantic until they saw the sea of about 200 blank stares looking up at me as I mangled the first verse of “If You Say My Eyes are Beautiful.” That’s when they abruptly ripped the microphone out of my hand and said “why don’t you guys dance instead of singing” which elicited thunderous applause from the crowd for some reason. True artists are often misunderstood, but in retrospect – maybe a Whitney Houston love Duet wasn’t the right choice for my vocal range. Either way, my wife has instructed me to never, ever, ever sing in public again so the Dreamgirls were spared my Effie imitations…

When I saw Sheryl Lee Ralph, she was taking pictures of the huge Christmas Tree in the lobby and I felt bad bothering her. She was really trying to get the perfect shot and must have taken ten pictures. Similar to me, the Christmas Tree was overgrown and much too wide to fit in most standard camera frames – so I don’t blame her for trying to get the right angle. . . Since she was so fantastic as Claudette on Ray Donovan, I was dying to ask what Jon Voight is really like and then I wanted to ask her about the anniversary revival of Thoroughly Modern Millie they’re doing, but she was really fixated on getting that shot of the tree. Practice makes perfect because her shots came out great – these are taken from her Instagram:

She was very cool, kind, and patient with me and also with the Christmas Tree, so I stopped myself from asking to try that fur coat on (I know I don’t need to remind you how good I look in fur)!

When I saw the other Dreamgirl, Anika Noni Rose, she was hobbling around in a walking cast yet still took time to stop and take pictures with everyone. She was such a sweetheart and as a person that’s broken the same ankle two years in a row on the same exact day (both alcohol related), I can tell you how hard it is to get around. For her to stop, chat, and take pictures while she was obviously uncomfortable was seriously awesome and much appreciated!

Anika is a Broadway veteran who snared the Tony Award for Caroline or Change, but was also in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, A Raisin in the Sun, and the movie version of Dreamgirls with an up-and-comer named Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson. She also made history as Tiana, Disney’s first Black princess, in The Princess and the Frog to the delight of kids everywhere.

I’m on a Dreamgirls roll here and don’t worry, I’ve started walking around with one shoelace untied for when I see Jennifer Hudson and need to get it off quick; J-HUD throwing a shoe! Hey J-HUD – Forget The Voice and let’s get a date on the calendar to meet up: I’ll bring and share my imodium and you bring and share your Oscar and extra shoes!

CelebriTuesdays: I almost Kimmy Schmidt my pants when I saw them filming!

January 11, 2018January 11, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

As I was walking to work, I passed by a ton of extras and a big camera crew, so I stopped to see what was going on when low and behold, they were filming Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt! Obviously, I normally stalk and get pictures with stars, but this was a totally unexpected surprise like when you find lint in your belly button. You don’t know how it got there, but all of a sudden – poof, it’s there and you smile at the wonders of the universe.

They were filming a scene with Josh Charles and it was burning up inside me not to be able to shout out about the elephant in the room: Josh Charles is basically me with hair. Toss a rug on my noggin and you’d see non-stop camera flashes all over the place. They were filming a scene where his character gets arrested and of course I was stalking as close as I could, when he saw me and walked over and said “What’s up man” then shook my hand. How awesome is he? Such a cool dude and really nice too. I’m sure he only came over because looking at me must have been like looking right in the mirror since he wasn’t doing that to everyone. It took everything inside me not to ask for a quick selfie, but they were in the middle of filming the scene and even I’m not that much of a jerk to interrupt their shooting; besides, I did get a few pictures and videos of him anyway.

Here’s a video of Josh on the set!

Long-lost-brothers? Click here for another Josh Charles video from the set

I watched for a while and then went to work and told my friend Teenie about the filming when I saw her later on. She loves Josh Charles so it only took about three seconds before we grabbed our coats and were back to the set for visit number two. By this time, they’d moved on and were now filming Jane Krakowski steps away from where we were standing and Josh was nowhere to be seen. Since I’d already seen him and love me some Krakowski, I was happy and trying to be nonchalant and point Jane out. She didn’t see her and I tried to be subtle and whisper “There’s Jane…There’s Jane…There’s Jane…” and nodding my head to point her out, but she wasn’t getting the hint. I would’ve had a better shot getting through to Sally Hawkins mute Janitor from The Shape of Water than get through to Teenie as she looked around confused as to where I meant. It was like the blind leading the blind-folded, and finally, I was like “She’s right there” and pointed. Once again, part of me wanted to rush her and snap a pic, but the rules of decency and common sense prevailed so we just creepily took about forty pictures of her filming. I know it is so unlike me to show restraint, but I can sometimes control myself.

After watching for a while, we went back to work satisfied that I got another celebrity fix and I did what every little Yenta does – alerted Facebook to my activities. Obviously, if it isn’t on Facebook – it didn’t really happen so who was I to withhold? Shortly after posting, my cousin Lloyd (not Lloyd Garmadon from Ninjago, although it would be really cool if we were related) saw my post and let me know that his daughter (my second cousin) was actually working on the set in Craft Services. She was on the set! Let’s digest this and stop the presses, shall we: Lloyd, you kinda buried the lead. Why did I find out such important information after the fact? I don’t wanna put you on the spot or make you feel bad, but you know I’m a stalker – get your head in the game!

My cousin Lloyd

Obviously, it would have been rude of me to stay at work and just go about my business as if I didn’t know that someone in my family (my blood for God’s sake!) was right down the street. Who was I to not go and say Hi – I’m not a rude person. On the flip side, my wife was not really being very supportive when I shared this surprising familial reunion news with her: “Do not go to that set again! Go back to work and stop it with that set! You’re gonna get arrested and do not get that girl in trouble – she’s working! Leave Josh Charles alone – You do not look like him and they’re gonna Kick the Kimmy Schmidt out of you if you go back there!” (Ok, so she didn’t really say that last part, but I’m pretty sure she was thinking it – Haters Gonna Hate and all that.)

Ok guys, you when your wife tells you something that makes sense and sounds like the right thing to do, you listen and think it over and then you do what you’re told. It’s serious and they mean business…and I’d say normally that’s true, but when they’re filming a TV show you like down the street – all bets are off. And it was at that very moment that I just so happened to realize that I needed Breath Savers from Duane Reade, which just happened to also be down the street near where they’re filming. More importantly, family is more important than anything. Granted, I had never met this cousin and didn’t know what she looked like and more importantly, I really didn’t want to get her fired or scare her just because I’m a lunatic. So I did one more pass by the set and treaded lightly so as not to arouse suspicion or security personnel and it’s a good thing I did!

I didn’t see my cousin, once again, it’s hard to identify someone you’ve literally never seen and don’t know what she looks like except that she’s wearing a sweater and jeans. (That narrows it down, it’s a movie set – everyone’s wearing a sweater and jeans.) So we didn’t see her, but we did get to see Sheri Foster, who plays Krakowski’s mother Fern on the show. Teenie didn’t want to bother her and I was like “What? We can definitely bother her – she’ll love it!” And, she did. She was so cool and sweet and very gracious chatting it up and snapping a few pics with us.

So the message we learn in this episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is that family come first! If you’re stalking and your kin is steps away from the action – they need to let someone know! That’s the only useful feature of Facebook: I don’t wanna see your kid’s baseball pictures or cat memes or hear how hard work is today – Keep it real and let me know stalker updates or I’m going to have to unfriend you!

Taron gave me a lot of Eger-tention today!

January 3, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 6 Comments

You never know what people will like as you’re writing it; I’ve written things that I think are hysterical and gotten no response whatsoever but, today, I’ve gotten more love and page views than any other since I started this site in March of 2010. My CelebriTuesdays post on Taron Egerton was a hit I guess. I’d like to thank my loyal Immodium Abusers around the world like Annie Smack that Fannie, AJ, Don, Steve, and today especially, I want to thank all my South Korean Peeps! What up to all you crazy little souls out there in Seoul?

Today alone, there were almost 100 South Korean views – I’m assuming it’s the North Koreans rushing the border to get on non-restricted internet to sign up for my posts. Mention one little Fatwa from Kim Jong Un, and all of a sudden peeps are hopping the border to come check me out. Obviously, if I go missing tomorrow, someone should immediately call the Secret Service, but I’m seriously considering calling President Trump and offering my talents to replace Dennis Rodman as the new Peace Ambassador. I bet we can settle this nuke dispute over a few of my crazy stories and a couple of Imodium tabs? Sing it with me: “All we are say-ing, is give Imodium a Chance!”

Most of my readers usually come from The United States, but today I was all over the globe: over 100 views each from Japan and The United Kingdom, but I see you peeps out there in Bangladesh, Serbia, and South Africa reading me too. I’m ready for my world tour like Eva Peron!

I can see the search terms people are looking for when they stumble upon this little site and the top two are usually rugby bulges thanks to my crazy friend Weezy and Mywifesmom.com thanks to my mother-in-law! Obviously, I’m not writing rugby or in-law porn, at least not yet (you can never say never), but my crazy little stories attract all sorts and show up in the craziest of places. Every once in a while, I try to see how people reading my stuff found me and you can forget about rugby bulges and dirty pictures with my wife’s mom, I should have been writing about Taron Egerton all this time…

Still, that doesn’t explain my South Korean surge today, but I’ll take it. Years from now, we’ll probably find out I’m the Searching for Sugarman of South Korea! If you’re one of those crazy folks in Bulgaria searching for rugby bulges and this site shows up – you are certainly in for an unexpected treat! Obviously, I have a little work to do to up my anemic fan base in New Zealand, but come on – they’re still holding a grudge against me because I didn’t like the Lord of the Rings movies – you gotta let it go like Elsa, you crazy Kiwis!

Apparently, Taron Egerton doesn’t just play an international superstar in the movies – he really is. Separate from the people that liked and retweeted my original post, @DailyTaronNews retweeted me twice and then sent out my link to score me all kinds of love and over 115 likes – thanks guys! They’re the most up to date daily Twitter source for all things Taron and they obviously have great taste – Go follow them!

Obviously, the next logical step is to have me play Friar Tuck opposite Taron’s Robin Hood…Let’s make it happen people because if you keep giving me this kind of affection – this site might turn into Full-time Taron Fan Fiction! While you’re here – follow the site so you never miss an update!

CelebriTuesdays: Taron Egerton – The Kingsman Spy meets the Immodium Guy!

January 2, 2018January 2, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

As a Dad, I’ve accepted the fact that there will be very few times in my life when my kids will actually think I’m cool, but meeting Taron Egerton – Johnny the Gorilla from Sing – was one of them.

My boys are very musical and the Sing soundtrack is on constant rotation; they like Taron’s voice and don’t realize yet that he’s not just a singing gorilla, but also a talented actor.

Taron Egerton was promoting Kingsman: The Golden Circle on The Today Show when he stopped to sign autographs and take pictures with everyone. He was a very cool guy and just seemed to be really enjoying his fans – remind me to mirror this behavior when I become a household name. He’s a class act for sure.

A) I don’t mind that he leaned down in this one because it makes me look a little taller and B) what’s wrong with my face?

Check out Taron and Colin Firth in Kingsman: The Golden Circle, streaming now on ITunes or head over to your local supermarket to pick it up if you’re like me and still like to rent an actual DVD from the Red Box.

Speaking of Red Box, who named that? It sounds like it should be a Russian snuff film. “Wanna look in my Red Box tonight?” Now that’s a pickup line and, seriously, how are they not using that as the marketing slogan? Now that you mention the Reds, watch out before Putin interferes and “elects” Ivan Drago and Rocky IV to the top of the rental charts…

Nothing is safe anymore – you gotta be careful with that kind of stuff. That’s also the reason I still won’t watch The Interview with James Franco and Seth Rogen. Besides the fact that it looks awful, do you think I want Kim Jong Un mad at me and trying to take out the Immodium Abuser? I’d have my very own “Fatwa! The Musical” like Larry David!