The “No Means Nose” Hair Movement!

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Jimmy, there’s room at my house for a true patriot like you! Grab your bags and then head over to casa Imodium!

http://news.yahoo.com/nycs-rent-too-high-candidate-facing-eviction-014132054.html

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Cameron, thank you for letting me know that you agree with me on the nose hair issue – I know that there is a quiet majority building out there that thinks it’s as disgusting as I do and that it’s about time we stood up and banded together. To that end, forget the Tea Party – I’m starting the “No Means Nose” Hair Movement and I might actually approach Jimmy McMillan, the “Rent is Too Damn High” guy, to be the face of our movement because if there is one man we should all be listening to about facial hair – it’s him! I don’t think he’s crazy at all – I wish I could get away with wearing gloves 24/7 and never touch anything with my bare hands. He’s the aftershock of a BP Sized Rogaine Spill, but I took one look at him, with that…

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Just for the Holiday Season: My Famous Baby Jesus Story

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I wanna send a “What’s up big Perm, I mean Big Worm!” out with one of my favorite posts out to My Number One Fan (yes, in the Kathy Bates Misery kind of way) on the one year anniversary of the Day she birthed baby Dukes! It’s at these times of year when everyone gathers round the hearth and reminisces about the time she was patted on her backside at a wedding by an extremely old waiter (no judgement that she liked it-gotta take it where you can get it) or when she enthusiastically played “Hey Hooka how much?” with me. You’re a special kind of crazy and everyone knows how much I love and appreciate the crazy!!! Here’s to you and an amazing little peanut one year later!! Also, I was going to also send a shout out to her Moms as well, but I don’t want Poppy getting anxious and asking “what’s going on with you and ImmodiumAbuser on the internets” again!!! 🙂

So whatever you’re gathering around this week keep the real meaning of the holidays in your celebration and say a really nice little blessing for the selfless ones that bring so much joy to so many people around the world: the peeps that invented Imodium! Im so thankful because it’s enabled many a Christmas without cramping, Channukah without clenching and Kwanza without the Quick hitters!!! It’s a Festivus for the rest of us!!!

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I am not one to start with a disclaimer, but this post might need one. Some people get really crazy about Religion and what should and shouldn’t be done with iconic religious figures, so let me say right now that if you are the type that gets easily offended by the inappropriate misuse of a religious figurine by an absolute moron – STOP READING THIS NOW! Otherwise enjoy and don’t say that I didn’t warn you…

  

As you get together this week and surrounded yourself with those animals that you call Dad or Mom or maybe they’re your brother, sister, or even the housekeeper serving dinner  –  remember the spirit of the Holiday Season and what it was intended to be about: The Baby Jesus! I’m not kidding – I’d like to share a little something that happened to me the year that a little plastic baby…

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I’m running the NYC Marathon tomorrow!!!

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I’m running the NYC marathon tomorrow!!!  If you haven’t donated to my fundraising cause yet and feel guilty – click here:

http://www.Runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

I’m sure that every one of you will be on the edge of your seats all weekend absolutely consumed by thoughts of my five borough trek, so here’s something to make it a little more bearable for you: The link to the runner tracking page.
http://www.tcsnycmarathon.org/race-day/mobile-app-and-runner-tracking
Just kidding, feel free to not even give me a second thought as I pound the pavement, mile by mile by mile by mile, never giving up, always enduring, sweating like jello pudding pop left out in the sunlight for too long at a family barbecue…putting my body through the rigors of 26.2 miles…26.2 miles!!! No big deal at all…enjoy your weekend. What were you doing this weekend anyway? Oh, just raking some leaves? Cleaning out some closets? Oh, that sounds nice too…

Some people had asked about tracking me and I’m not sure that they have the technology that will be able to to track someone like me that’s fast as lightning, but here is the option to try anyway. My bib number is 33370 and I’m in Green Wave 2, Corral C, 10:05 start.
To those of you that will be out there cheering in the streets – thank you in advance and remember to only photograph my good side! 🙂 I know, right? Take a look at me – there’s no bad side!

If you’re looking out for me, I’ll be right in back of the Kenyans and the elite runners…and by right behind, I mean about three hours behind them. I seriously couldn’t have done this without you and as I pass the finish line, I will be sending all of you a big, virtual, sweaty hug!!!

I WAS ON THE SET OF STAR WARS EPISODE VII!!!

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Star Wars Logo

 

Spoiler Alert: This post contains crucial plot points and unauthorized photos from Star Wars Episode VII set. I did promise JJ Abrams that I wouldn’t tell anyone, but I can’t hold it in anymore – Sorry JJ.

JJABRAMS SET

Here’s a picture of me and a storm trooper:

Me and Stormtrooper

And here’s a shot of my son test driving a Rebel Tie Fighter:

My son in an x wing fighterxfighterMockup of the set

OK, OK…so maybe that’s not really a picture of my son in an actual Rebel Tie Fighter and I wasn’t on the Star Wars set per se…but it is me with a storm trooper – he just happens to be patrolling the Boardwalk of Ocean City, not the Forest of Endor!

Storm_Trooper_pooping

Now that I have your attention, I wanted to remind you that I’ll be running the NYC Marathon on Sunday November 2nd! Now you’re smiling and thinking “Wow, that’s great! Run Forrest Run!” But I’m not that selfish and this isn’t all just about me – Here’s where you come in: The only way I could get a spot was by fund-raising so this is my not-so-subtle pitch for assistance because I’m way off from my goal. If I don’t reach my fundraising goal by next week, I’ll have to pay for it myself and will, unfortunately, be forced to resort to selling one or more of my kids to do so…Do you want that on your conscience? Remember kids – it takes a village.

Attention

The way I see it, you have three options:

1: Go and donate now – you don’t have a dollar for a great cause? No amount is too small and every donation makes such an impact.

2: Like this and share it on your facebook/twitter/Instagram/tumbler/blender/coffeepot/hashtag/sunburn/earlobe – or on whatever social media outlets you’re using! Share it and spread the word Yenta!

3: You need a third option? Those two weren’t enough? Now you need a third option? Go back to option one and donate!

I’m running with Team for Kids and it’s actually a really great Organization that brings free running programs and wellness events to schools and neighborhoods. Their youth programs already serve more than 200,000 children in hundreds of underserved schools and community centers; the fundraising helps to increase the reach and impact on the kids who need it most.

team for kids

Running the Marathon last year was such a life-changing experience for me so to be able to do it again and give back in the process is amazing! All the money goes towards the kids and the programs they run, so you really are helping to make a huge difference! I was originally going to fundraise for a new toupee, but this isn’t about me guys – its for the kids and will do just as much good for the world than me with a new set of locks.

nyc marathon logo

For those that would like to come out and cheer on Race Day while I hammer through all 26.2 miles with a smile and enough Imodium AD pumping through my veins to stock a small country it’ll be quite a show! 🙂 For those that can’t make it, I’ll expect a ton of positive energy and prayers that I can stay upright on two feet for the duration of the race!

Here’s the link if you’re so inclined – please help if you’re able – every little bit will go a long way and a lot of little bits make a huge difference! Every dollar raised helps the kids, so any amount is appreciated!

http://www.runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

Donate today – the deadline is less than a week away!

Thanks,

HELP!!! I’m sweating my Lupita Nyong’os off!!!

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nyc marathon logo

http://runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

 

I really hate this time of year, but the summer isn’t the only reason I’m sweating: I’m fundraising for the NYC Marathon in November and need your help with it. I know what you’re thinking – Oh great, he’s asking for money let me stop reading now, but wait…

 

 

Are you gonna tell these three cute little guys that you won't help their Daddy!

Are you gonna tell these three cute little guys that you won’t help their Daddy!

As some of you may recall, I ran the marathon last year and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Running has changed my life in so many ways and I’m in better shape than I’ve been in years. Just knowing that I can actually run 26.2 miles is actually pretty cool. Seeing and hearing and feeling the support and the cheers and for a very brief little period of time – all those people were out there for me. Cheering me on, supporting me, screaming my name; that’s an amazing feeling.

runner

So let’s close this mother down shall we? Am I going to set a speed record and head from here to the Olympics – No. Am I going to be celebrated on the cover of Sports Illustrated like Meb Keflezighi? Probably not… Am I going to help with a great cause and have a ton of fun along the way – YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! 

meb

 

If you need a subtle reason to donate, consider that the funds donated here will support Team for Kids, which is a team of volunteers who raise funds for critical services provided by New York Road Runners Youth Programs. These programs combat childhood obesity and empower youth development via running and character-building programs in low-income schools and community centers in New York City, throughout the country, and in Africa.

 

team for kids

If you need a not so subtle reason to donate: you be the one to tell this adorably handsome little guy that you’re not going to help his Daddy  😦 Go ahead, break his heart!

 

 

X

 

I’m not asking for something significant from you or looking to break your wallet open. I don’t want anyone to put themselves out, just give a little bit if you can. A lot of little bits add up to a great big bit of good. I was thinking that of the thousands of people that follow this blog, if 1 out of every 4 of you could donate $1.00 I’d reach my goal and that money could make a huge difference. A dollar? Did I mention it’s tax-deductible? Obviously please donate more if you’re able… 

 

 

 

money

 

Here’s the link if you’re so inclined – please help if you’re able – every little bit will help…I appreciate the support – whether financial, by lining the streets with the other millions of people who will all be out screaming my name and cheering me on or by sending positive thoughts that my clumbsy ass doesn’t trip and get trampled…

 

http://runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

 

Please don’t think I‘m asking for something without giving you anything in return either: consider this my penny serenade. If the thought of my sore and sweat-soaked body bobbing up to the finish line in Central Park like your fat uncle doing the worm at a Bar Mitzvah doesn’t make you feel like you got your money’s worth, then here’s a little rant on a very important topic for you. I’m like a little baby monkey making you laugh until you throw coins – Dance Monkey Dance.

 

 

monkey 2

 

SCHUCK YOU OYSTERS! I NEED MY TOOTSIE LOVIN!

 

tootsie roll

 

Why is it that when they talk about foods that are aphrodisiacs – no one mentions tootsie rolls? People say oysters, but come on – nothing about slurping them is enticing and I don’t eat any seafood except for Swedish Fish anyway.

 

The only seafood I eat!

The only seafood I eat!

I wouldn’t dip one of my little bitty piggies in the ocean; nonetheless eat something that came out of it. And don’t say you clean the fish before you eat it either – it’s soaked through with the filth that’s floating in that water – you can’t wash that off! And don’t even bring up lobster either – It’s not a high end luxury meal. Who wants to go to dinner and have to have a workout to even open and get the meat out of the shell? If hookers don’t work that hard to get the meat – you shouldn’t have to either!

 

This doesn't seem safe...

This doesn’t seem safe…

I want my food cooked and served and on the plate nicely – ready to enter my mouth. I’m not gonna break a sweat and manhandle this beast just to grab a piece of meat and end up covered – Am I a savage? Am I an animal? No, I’m just a regular guy that wants to be able to eat my dinner without bits of said dinner flying all over the place. I’m all for wearing a bib in general to keep you clean, but keep the food on my plate and in my mouth at dinner folks.

 

lobster bib

 

Speaking of doing all the work at dinner, don’t even get me started on fondue either. I’m not fond of fondue and I really don’t understand how people like it. Why should I have to work and cook the food at a restaurant? You go to a restaurant for a fondue dinner – but you have to cook it yourself? Why would I want to cook it – aren’t we going out to a restaurant so I don’t have to cook? And how long does it take to wait for a small piece of chicken to cook anyway? I’m so afraid of the boch so I need to leave it in extra-long and then I’m waiting and waiting and waiting and just starving. What’s next – I have to pour the wine and wash the dishes too?

 

wine

 

Why am I even tipping a waitress when I did the god damn work? Tips in fondue places should be outlawed because they’re reserved for hard working people – not sloths that make you cook your own food. We’re in a restaurant not camping in the woods. And that hot oil, cheese and vat of chocolate is just asking for all sorts of trouble. No good can come from this! The smoke coming out of it, it spits and stains your clothes, the obvious stomach issues…Not for me man, not for me!!

 

HERE’S THE LINK AGAIN!!!

http://runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

 

Talk about a crappy party!

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 happy birthday

I know it might sound mean to say that my niece’s first birthday party was shitty – but please understand that I’m being literal here, not figurative! I love that little tiny pickle for all she’s worth, but mark my words here – her first birthday celebration will cause the creation of at least a couple Immodiumabuser-like blogs in the years to come. The incidents that transpired last weekend will be recounted on multiple therapy couches for decades to come.

 castle

The on-and-off rain should have been a foreboding warning of things to come at the party, but who knew the worst part of the day wouldn’t be the shutting down of the jumping castle? Who could have guessed that my wife entering the jumping castle and then proceeding to slip and fall wouldn’t be the highlight of this post? Certainly not me or those four kids she wiped out as she flew back down the ladder and wiped them out like a tsunami through a small village. Granted the castle was slippery from the rain, but it sure as hell was funny to see her take those kids out and I don’t mean to the ball game. Don’t worry, the kids were ok – save for some slight bruising…

shart week

As a general rule, infants and really young kids can’t help their digestive system and aren’t yet in control of their bowels, so they’re exempt from judgment.  Sure they stink and no one wants to be around them, but even I don’t hold it against them. On the other hand, older kids who are like seven or eight should be able to recognize that all-too-familiar gurgle in the pit of your stomach that tells you not to make any sudden movements. One faulty sneeze can mean the difference between new shorts and new friends…

 cropduster

I don’t know many things for certain, but one thing I know for sure when I see it is a crop duster. One young party lass has been taught the art form very early, but she hasn’t quite mastered the stealth part of it yet…It started innocently enough with a little circling in the den but that game turned dangerous very quickly…Without giving a blow by blow, she couldn’t hold in her excitement for the party any longer and turned the powder room into a literal shit storm.

 flight attendant

Everyone knows that I’m an Imodium vending machine always willing to share my stash with anyone in need. Imodium is the great equalizer and I am always stocked to the brim. After the events of this past weekend, I am starting to realize that I need to make an announcement whenever I enter a party, sort of like a flight attendant, advising the correct course of action for anyone in gastric distress. I actually think a better solution for the future generations is to add this site and it’s teachings to grade school curriculums nationwide so that our children know what to do in an emergency. Forget Stop, Drop and Roll! Knowing when to say when you need Imodium is way more essential than the fire drill line up routine and three times as likely to be necessary than any fire drill they’ll ever go through.

 hand towels

You think your disgusted hearing about this, imagine how her mother felt – she had to clean up that kid, clean up that bathroom and then do the walk of shame out the front door with the clothing and bathroom contents in a hazmat bag. And the girl that exploded was like seven or eight years old – that’s some adult sized shit right there. That is not a toddler quick swipe and your done – that’s a huge mess on aisle two that might need reinforcements and a bottle of Lysol. Who says “I’ll wash the hand towels and bathmat and return them?” about the bathroom linens their child just destroyed? It was nice to offer, but if ever there was a clear sign that you need a new bathroom floor mat – that was it! And really, how much could hand towels cost? For all that is holy, throw them out and get new ones! There is not enough Tide in the store to wash that out…And do you think I’m ever going to use the linens in that house again? How will I know if these are the tainted ones? You can tell me that you washed them ten or twenty times, but come on. No way Jose!     

no way jose

Forget the birthday girl; the only real winner in this weekend’s lottery was the plumbing in the walls by dodging that bullet! Roto Rooter would have definitely been paying a visit to their house if that malotav cocktail made its way through those pipes and not splashed across the floor and the walls!

martha stewart

I’m wondering what Martha Stewart would advise you to write on the thank you card for the family that brought a child that exploded in your bathroom? Do you even still send a thank you note? I mean, no one is glad that little bitch showed up and does it matter what gift she gave? There is no gift that you can open that would make up for the “special” memories that little girl created at the party.

The Help is making me yelp: I’m a hurtin’ cause she cut my curtain and now the water is squirtin!

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thehelp change poster

I’m sure you can relate when I say that it’s hard to get good help these days. I know that might sound a little bit pretentious, but I’m having some issues with my housekeeper. I’m not to the manor born and living la vida loca all up in here, but we make sacrifices so that we can have the important things in life…If times get tough and we need to cut back – we won’t get the kids diapers or I won’t let my pregnant wife eat expensive organic food or any of those other wasteful splurges – I’ll make her get cheap store brand hot dogs or chips and soda so that we can direct our resources where it’s important – to the housekeeper. Just kidding guys, she doesn’t drink soda.

 

This is a portion of my wife's supplyof cloth diapers for the kids and I'M THE HOARDER???

This is a portion of my wife’s supply of cloth diapers for the kids and I’M THE HOARDER???

Any guesses on what this picture below is? No? It’s the shower curtain from my bathroom which is randomly missing a huge clump! How in the world does this happen? I saw The Help and this wouldn’t have happened if Abelene was here. Minnie, maybe, but not Abelene! Now let me explain how I works in our house. There are three bathrooms and for everyone’s sanity and safety, I have my own, my wife and kids share one and everyone else uses the third one. Not a stray ass ever touches my toilet or enters my shower, so imagine my surprise when something is amiss there.

Shower Curtain 2

Of course, I was worked up and in a tizzy, but you wanna guess what my wife’s response to this was? “Are you sure it wasn’t like that? How do you really know she did it” as if I just didn’t happen to notice that I have been missing half of the god damn shower curtain! It’s not as if they sell shower curtains with a bite taken out of them in the store or I that have showered three times a day with this French door of shower curtain and never happened to notice the water gushing out onto the bathroom floor…Even without my contacts when I can’t see a thing, I’d still notice that.

 

 

 

 

I love our housekeeper to death. She is a cute little pickle, but sometimes even a cute little pickle tastes sour… One day she randomly told me that her son’s “pee pee was coming out black.” Take that in and remember who is writing this. A) how dos that come up in random conversation and b) I wouldn’t tell that to my sister, nonetheless the person paying me. I, of course, wasn’t mature enough to handle and told her to forget about cleaning the house and get that kid to a doctor right immediately. She said he was OK to wait til later on, but that’s not fair to that poor kid and that’s really not fair to my poor couch that he was sitting on either…Of course, when I told my wife, she asked if I was sure that’s what she meant as if there were some hidden subtext I might not have deciphered from the message. His pee pee was coming out black – pretty straight forward Honey! “Why would she tell you something so personal? I guess she feels comfortable with you…” She said that to me as if I asked the housekeeper to confide something like that in me (of all people); I never want anyone to feel that comfortable with me! It was similar to the time a guy at work that I don’t really know at all felt compelled to share a traumatic story of almost having his testicles ripped off his body in a random toilet seat accident. Apparently, he had to “use the facilities” in his hotel room and the toilet seat wasn’t attached so he slid right off the bowl and you can guess the rest of this story without me getting graphic or showing a visual aid…I never knew Holiday Inn’s could be that dangerous.

why the fuck

Exactly honey; It’s not personal, it’s disgusting and why would anyone tell me something like that? What could I have possibly done that would ever make someone feel that comfortable with me? Everything turned out OK with her son and my coworkers sack and I never mentioned it again to either of them for obvious reasons. I also never sat on that couch again for obvious reasons. It’s not that I didn’t bring it up again because I’m not a considerate person, but because I never want anyone to ever talk to me about something like that again!

 

 

 

I’m making out that she’s not a really nice person and that isn’t the case at all. She is such a sweet and wonderful woman and she’s been working with us for almost ten years. The unfortunate part of developing a nice relationship with her is the gifting aspect of it. We give her money for the holidays because we really like her and we want to take care of her. She unfortunately is the nicest person ever and likes to return the favor. Not with money or a free session, but with an actual, unwrap-what-I-bought present. One Christmas she gave us a brass napkin holder in the shape of a rooster. A rooster! You can’t even get brass like that anymore in most stores and something brass shaped like a rooster is even more rare. Forget holding the napkins – I wish I was carrying that thing when I got jumped by those three street thugs on Wellwood Avenue all those years ago and I wouldn’t have gotten such an ass-kicking. These types of weapons should be used by people walking alone in dark alleys because if you hit someone with it – there’s no way they’re only getting a little cock a doodle bruise if you know what I mean! There’s some serious damage to be done with it. My dislike for it isn’t because I hate birds, it’s because I hate ugly shit in my house…We had that stupid thing in the house for a long time before my wife finally let me throw it away because she was afraid of offending her. Don’t offend her, but let’s have our friends that come over think we’re crazy gypsies with that crazy thing. At least I always felt secure that if there was a break in I could grab that first as it would do more damage than a handgun could. Believe it or not, we finally got rid of that crazy thing and she got us another one for Christmas that year. Seriously, not a brass one, but a replacement rooster napkin holder! I’m bringing it to the next wedding we go to and am giving that as my present! There is no way she’s shopping at a store that has a third one…

This is the second napkin holder she got us...

This is the second napkin holder she got us…

 

So where does that leave me? Right, heading to the store for a new shower curtain and my wife not letting me ask her about it. There might be a logical reason for why you’d cut my shower curtain in half and not mention it, but for the life of me I can’t imagine what it is. And if anyone is looking for their very own brass rooster napkin holder I’m not allowed to ask where she got it, but, I did find a similar one listed on ebay so enjoy…

If you’re laughing at this, my wife probably isn’t – Part One

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Reposting this tribute to the most amazing person I’ve ever known – my beautiful wife on her birthday. She’s crazysexycool like TLC and has great taste – I mean she chose me right? She’s the most supportive and considerate person I’ve ever met and she still rocks me like a hurricane all these years later! Happy Birthday Honey!

www.immodiumabuser.com's avatarwww.immodiumabuser.com

I know that it might seem hard to believe given some of the foolishness I have taken part in, but whenever I start to second-guess my mental stability I’m reminded of a very comforting thought: I may be off the wall, but my wife willingly chose this. Who’s really the nutty one, you might ask? She’s calm, cool, collected and most importantly, not crazy. While I’m way out there, she’s at the normal end of the spectrum and it gives us a nice balance.

My wife’s a High School Guidance Counselor and understands the inner workings of fragile minds – thus the attraction to me…At first thought, one would think that I was an independent study or possibly an internship for her Master’s Program. Hell, I’m so wacked out – she should have enough credits for her doctorate by now.

My OCD Rituals, superstitions, neurosis, positive energy crystal worshipping, endless…

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TuTu much craziness: Why they changed the name to (Go F Your) Self Magazine!

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Desmond in a Tutu protesting Self Magazine

Desmond in a Tutu protesting Self Magazine

I’m shocked at the whole tutu madness from the past few days but most of all because I’m embarrassed to tell you that I didn’t even realize the honorable Desmond Tutu wrote for Self magazine…I guess his workload got a lot easier after they banned apartheid and all… What’s next? Sri Sri Ravi Shankar lashing out against peep-toe shoes?

Apparently, The Art of Living is just a cool breeze up the back of your caftan...

Apparently, The Art of Living is just a cool breeze up the back of your caftan…

Speaking of titles – how come I’m not referred to as the Honorable Immodium Abuser? Like I had nothing to do with ending Apartheid? OK, in fairness I literally had nothing to do with ending it, but I certainly wasn’t helping to spread it so that’s gotta be worth something…maybe I should be referred to as The Eminent Immodium Abuser? I‘m not a whore for a title, but just a little something to spice up my business cards.

The Eminent Immodium Abuser!

The Eminent Immodium Abuser!

In all seriousness, here is a snapshot of what’s going on: Self magazine made and ass of itSelf when they published a photo of a woman running a marathon in a Wonder Woman costume and tutu WHILE SHE WAS BATTLING CANCER! Running a marathon is grueling and enormously hard, but while fighting cancer? And she started the company that makes the tutus to donate money to cancer foundations…Forget the bad PR move they made – it’s just kinda reminds you of the crappy people out there in the world. She’s got a real great spirit and is taking it like a champ and I hope that this media attention gets a lot of support for her company and her charitable acts because they’re significant and inspiring.

monica tutu

I don’t want to diminish how serious this is or try to divert any of the attention off of her, but let’s talk about who really looks good in a tutu! The bright spot in this media shitstorm has been the widespread publication of this little nugget:

Daniel Day Purvis

Abusers, meet Daniel Day Purvis! I know exactly what you’re thinking as you look at this photo: a) Does this guy even lift? b) This guy is straight? For the record, yes and he’s married with kids not that there’s anything wrong with that if he wasn’t…c) I know, I know – but how did he get that perfectly ruffled tutu dyed exactly the same shade as his tye-dye shirt? Only he and Karl Lagerfeld can say for sure…

do you even lift

This is not a picture that was just taken to get on board with the recent controversy – this is an aerodynamic running machine showing us the true way to rock out and run a race from a while ago. It takes balls of steel to actually put something like this on, nonetheless run a race and be photographed in it while wearing spanx under a tutu. Understandably, his wife is nowhere next to him in any of these photos and set a personal track record as she ran like lightning to get away from him. True story, just as many people were cheering “Run Tiffany, Run Away” to her as were cheering “Run Daniel Run” to him.

spanx

Now the local media will have Self Magazine this story highlighted as they should, but I wanna start a petition to get this man on The Ellen Show. Don’t worry, he’ll definitely wear the tutu and dance with her – he’s got more rhythm than a young Marlon Jackson crossed with an older Ike Turner! Let’s start a movement with the Eminent Immodium Abuser carrying the torch and leading the charge to get this man the attention he deserves. “Start your yellin’ and get him on Ellen” will be our battle cry!

Actual first date photo of Daniel Day and Tiffany

Actual first date photo of Daniel Day and Tiffany

Share this photo and like this page and then head over to the fitness page he’s managing and like the crap out of it! There’s a lot of useful stuff on there if you’re into learning and all that jazz, but more importantly, there are a LOT of meme’s on there. Him and I once had a rapid fire meme contest and he was shooting them off like a semi-automatic artillery rifle. My little Imodium ads were no match for him – he just had tutu many…

Purvis two

St. Patrick Swayze Day: To all my pasty white brothas and sistas – It’s our time!!!

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Goonies

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Like the Goonies said “It’s our time down here!” Today is the day that we unite and stand up; This is the one moment out of 365 long ass days in a year when our pasty white, ghost-like, pale complexions won’t get random stares and snickered at. You think you can go out in jeans and a sweatshirt today? Sweet Brown told ya people “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” This is the day where tacky doesn’t exist: Plastic bowler hat – Check. Green adhesive handlebar moustache – testify! Kelly green spandex booty shorts – Guilty as charged! In case you’re not familiar with the rules of fashion, the general rule of thumb with picking the right booty shorts for guys is to find the size that makes the indentation of your lucky charms so tight that you’ll need to lube yourself up with olive oil to get into them and then grab the next size down. Sure you’re risking cutting off circulation, but it’s not the pain that matters today…

sweet brown

Don’t scratch your head and look puzzled – you all hear me and know what I’m talking about. My people may be quiet and easily knocked down every other day, but our silent suffering and cries will not be heard today…If you’re like me and can’t go out of your house between April and October without an umbrella or a woman’s wide-brimmed hat to protect you from the sun – I’m talking about you. If the pallor of your skin only knows two shades: Albino pale and red-as-a-Smacked-Ass with nothing in-between – I’m talking to you brother! Dare I mention the most ridiculed and tortured of all God’s creatures on this planet – the Gingers? I hear your cries loudest of all my misunderstood flock of Red Robins! Stand up my brethren and let us tear some shit up out there! Until the break of midnight signals a brand new day, we will be the ghetto fabulous green gangstas out and about today.

sunburn from flash

If you’re interested in finding me today, I’m back from Chicago where they dyed the river last weekend and the whole city opened their arms and embraced my pale complexion like I was a rock star. Well, everyone except that homeless guy outside my hotel that called me crazy; but in his defense when a man sitting on a cardboard box living on the street calls YOU crazy – some serious self-reflection might be in order….

dyeing the river

Maybe I’ll see you out there tonight, I’ve pre-scheduled this post and am probably face down, ass up at my local watering hole right this very minute…You think I’m kidding? Here are some of my other shenanigans from my St. Patrick’s Day highlights reel…

CLICK HERE

AND

CLICK HERE

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It’s not how big your Glock is that matters, it’s where you put it!

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i love my glock

I know that some guys are only fixated on the size of their Glock and not too picky about where they stick it. Some are obsessed with their piece, but for those that are a tad more discreet about where they conceal their weapons – have I got news for you! The new locker room chatter isn’t about how big your Glock is, but the bolder the holder you’re packing it in!

Cover

I know what you’re thinking; maybe your pistol isn’t as big as mine. Have no fear my friend because no matter the size of your piece, we have something for you: UnderTech Undercover.com. I don’t usually do company endorsements, but had to make an exception just this once when I got their catalog in the mail today.

glock meme

No matter the occasion, UnderTech Undercover has something for you. Grandma’s got a birthday coming up? The Terrain Hobo Concealment Purse comes in Black, Brown, or Saddle! Your Mother got a promotion at work? How about the under desk concealment Plate? Your friend Jared got engaged? UnderTech Undercover giftcards are the perfect fit for any registry!

shorts

Ladies, I know that sometimes you want to be in charge and show him where to put his Glock – How about these black Travel Safe Short Shorts? You take control of that Glock and show Tony Danza Who’s the Boss! They come in Black or white in everything from extra small to extra large – just like the many sizes and colors of those Glocks you have in the nightstand next to your bed.

whos the boss

Let’s be honest girls, you know that one place you won’t let him ever put his Glock? Get him his own Thunderwear and you’ll never have that conversation again. The tagline says it all “These ain’t underwear, they’re Thunderwear!” The best part is that you can get Thunderwear in assorted sizes to conceal any Glock from a cute little mini one mini up to a large caliber barrel so you’ll find the perfect fit for your man.

thunderwear

Guys, aren’t you tired of buying her boring gifts she just doesn’t get excited about? Here’s a gift idea that’ll make you the hero – what woman wouldn’t rather get a pair of Black Concealment Short Shorts than jewelry or flowers? She’ll have all the girls at the gym jealous when they get a peek at her changing in the locker room.

short shorts

The website offers many more products and multiple shipping options so check them out and click here to have your own catalog sent. Taking care of your Glock is serious business, they’re not just for playing with anymore!

meme nightstand

The things a little prick will do…

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Was just telling a friend about this at work, so in case you missed it…

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I was in a friend’s wedding and went for a fitting at the tuxedo shop. Easy peasy right? Wrong.

Once the sales guy handed me a yellowish, sweat-stained shirt to try on, I should have known there would be an issue. I set him straight immediately and made him give me a brand new shirt which annoyed him to no end. Sorry if filth bothers me, but I am certainly not trying that dishrag on if it’s covered with enough sweat and God-only-knows-what to make it look yellow. As I came out of the dressing room with the shirt on, the sales guy winced and looked at me with a very confused look on his face and said “Where is all that blood coming from?”

Having no idea what he was talking about, I looked down and was caught off guard because it looked like I had…

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Say it ain’t so – Weeva’s gonna go???

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weeva 2keeva1So my teeny tiny little Weeva is retiring after thirty years so I wanted to repost this as a special tribute to my dear friend!

HERE IS THE LINK TO A HYSTERICAL POST ABOUT HER AND HER CRAZY EXPLOITS!!! THIS IS A MUST READ!!!
As a young girl sailing over on The Mayflower, Weeva thought about what she’d do when she got to the new world and set her sights on hospitality. Thirty years is a lifetime in any place to work, but in a hotel that is unheard of. She’s actually so experienced in hotels that she was actually the Innkeeper that told Mary and Joseph there was no room at the Inn before she walked them!

Who could have known the impact Weeva would have had on so many people that she worked with over the past thirty years. Certainly not the foolish young girl that touched the thermostat in the Sales office – once! Weeva shot up like a rocket, pulling off her earrings and grabbing her Vaseline –ready to regulate. You can do anything or say anything, but if you mess with the heat she will pounce!

I met Weeva as most men do – on Jdate! Just kidding, I actually met Weeva way back when she was still performing. It’s not that widely known because she doesn’t like to make a fuss, but Weeva was the original third member of Destiny’s Child before Kelly Rowland. No one could choreograph better dance moves than Weeva and nowhere is it more evident than in their Bootylicious video. Right in the middle of filming said video, Weeva and Beyonce got into a tussle over some autumn sunrise hair extensions from the Raquel Welch Grand Hair Collection and Weeva had enough. She walked right out the door in her blue fringe crop top and booty shorts and has never looked back!

Weeva’s capacity to remain positive through some really tough times in her life has been a source of personal inspiration to me and I know that I’m just one of many people looking back with such fondness today and thinking about this very special woman.

This is not the final act or closing chapter of her book. This is a new beginning and a starting point for so much more. I know that as she leaves here she’ll have a true sense of pride and accomplishment for her many work successes, but I hope that what she takes with her is not only those, but also the thousands of tiny footprints she has left over countless hearts through these past three decades. It’s truly rare that you can say that you’re lucky to have someone so special in your life. Weeva, if the depths of my affection for you aren’t painfully obvious, then shame on me. Love ya Babe!

Forget the Mountain, she Brokeback Christmas?

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Tis the season…

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z-happy-birthday

This time of year always makes me think about the close family and friends that may not be with me in person any longer, but are never far from my heart. That being said, I thought I’d honor the memory of my Aunt Margie in the only way I know how!

She was very special to me and I loved her dearly…If she were still with us, she’d be celebrating a birthday and the holiday this December yet she’d say the story that I really should be sharing is when my Aunt Beanie Vote ruined her Christmas.

Z-rows

The Holiday Season was upon us and it took Aunt Margie weeks and weeks and weeks of looking through many many many stores in order to find the perfect artificial tree and yet mere minutes for Aunt Beanie Vote to crush the woman’s Christmas Cheer. The tree was all assembled and we took a step back to admire it – but it was slightly slanted…

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