Bryce Dallas Howard is on top of the box office with Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom with more than a billion dollars so far, but more important than that – she’s now on top of my Celeb list! Chris Pratt went through the garage like a brat, but she came marching out to greet the posse waiting for her like a seasoned pro and rose to the challenge.
Check her out – she’s managing a crowd of people, while signing autographs, while taking photos, and all the while she was being interviewed by multiple cameramen without missing a beat. That was seriously impressive. I’ve seen celebrities that can’t be bothered or do one or two and then leave, but she took care of everyone like a champ!
I really liked Bryce before, but meeting her has moved her so far up the list – she is awesome and I absolutely won’t hear any different! She’s hysterical making fun of herself on the new season of Arrested Development, great in the Jurassic movies, plays such an absolute pie-eating bitch in The Help and she even helped Pete’s Dragon live happily ever after; she can do no wrong in my eyes even if she was in Twilight…
They were promoting The Karate Kid reboot Cobra Kai and I didn’t dream that I’d have a chance to get a picture with Danny and Johnny together, but little did I know that I should have busted out my own crane move to get his picture.
William Zabka will always be Johnny to me, and he was a cool cat that stopped to chat and stayed around to take pictures with everyone. Sure he’s gotten older, but long gone are the days of him rocking those unfortunate headbands or receiving illegal crane kicks, but he was very nice and friendly.
As Ralph Macchio was leaving, his assistant was rushing him away to get him into the car, but he did still stop for a few pictures with the fans. I got my turn and had my phone ready as he wasn’t making much small talk and moving pretty quickly. We posed and when I went to push the button to snap the selfie – I must have had a stroke mid-snap because I pressed the button to turn it from selfie mode to front facing mode and I didn’t get the picture…He waked away after seeing me snap the button, not realizing that I’d screwed it up and she led him away. I froze for a second, not quite realizing what happened or how I could be so stupid…“Ralph – it didn’t take…the picture didn’t take” but she still spirited him away.
I’d just messed it up completely and tried to walk over to him again to get another shot with him, but his assistant wasn’t having any of it. As he walked away, my internal voice was furiously shouting out “Sweep the leg! Sweep the leg!” and it took everything in me to ignore it as he got into his car. I have no excuse for such an amateur move – it’s just plain stupidity after all this time.
So, if you’re keeping score at home – I’m one for three with The Karate Kids. Elisabeth Shue said I’m not that into you and couldn’t be bothered, but this time it was entirely my fault. I had my shot and screwed it up – but he could have just stood still for one more God Damn second, right? I’m not worried though, I’ll get him next time – just ask John Goodman; he thought he could run from me, but I wore him down too…
Whether it was the positive vibes I was sending out to the universe or the Scarlett O’Hara meme, or just the fact that he got tired from running away from me; I finally met John Goodman! As you may recall, I missed him when I got to meet Roseanne recently, but I wasn’t going to let that happen to me again.
He was promoting the Roseanne reboot and I was lying in wait like a cheetah ready to snag its prey. I saw him coming across the lobby and as he came out of the building walked up and told him what a big fan I was and that I’d been looking for him. When he made a strange face upon hearing that and said “what?” I realized that I might be sending the wrong message to him because I was starting to sound like a crazy person so I just said “I’m sorry – big fan – may I take a picture with you?”
Me jabbering on and talking so fast probably explains the strange grimace on his face in the first photo of us, but it was worth the wait to meet him and see that big Dan Conner smile! He’s been a favorite of mine for a long time through Roseanne and countless movies since Always and he was just really nice and a very cool dude.
The only John Goodman project that I really can’t get on board with is those freaky new McDonald’s commercials – is anyone else terrified by these? I’ being serious – he seems like a lunatic and I’m legitimately frightened by his voice in these. McDonald’s is fine and I have been known to indulge on the deliciousness of the McRib, but the only thing true about the commercials is the tagline “They’ll leave you speechless and it has!
While looking at the photos of us afterwards, I couldn’t help but take note of how skinny we both look and wonder if they’re padding him up on the show like Toby on This Is Us. I can remember a time not long ago when neither one of us could fasten our suit jackets up for fear of taking an eye out when a button would surely popped off, so it’s nice to see time and age have changed us for the better.
I‘m sure that some celebrities get tired of being stopped all the time by fans, and I could tell he was in a rush by the fast pace with which he was walking, but he relented. I was grateful because he stopped to talk with me and took the photo, then hustled to the car before anyone else could stop him. I’m actually not sure that there was a chance for anyone else to snap a pic with him after me because he was moving like a man that just got a bad batch of gumbo and needed to get the hell out of dodge immediately if you know what I mean! (Believe me when I tell you that no one understands THAT feeling better than me!) Either way, I got to meet John and it’s all Goodman!
As if a heavenly vision on a gorgeous morning, Roma Downey stepped out from her car and she was beaming. She’s one of those people you see that just instantly makes you smile. Some people have that natural “glow” around them very similar to the way my forehead glistens because of the mixture of sweat and how thin my hair is; but she was something else entirely.
It was as if she emerged out of a rainbow because she looked stunning and absolutely could not have been sweeter; she stopped and chatted with every person there while signing autographs and taking pictures with anyone that asked. That’s rare, as most people of some notoriety kinda just rush through to get inside.
I’m not one to tempt the fate of the heavens by talking smack about an actual Angel (or even a Charlie’s Angel for that matter) but does anyone else find it ironic that she produced a miniseries called A.D. The Bible Continues and then afterwards she comes face to face with the Imodium AD king himself? Talk about the universe sending what you’ve asked for! Apparently, the sky’s the limit with Roma!
We snapped a picture and I looked at my phone to see how it came out only to find a random woman photo-bombing the picture. I hadn’t seen her when taking it and didn’t even realize the words had come out of my mouth until I heard myself say “Is this woman kidding? What’s wrong with her? Why would she stand there and do that? She’s taking up half the picture.”
Now, a mature adult would have been happy to get any picture at all and just shut the hell up or just crop the damn woman out, but not me. Roma looked at me and the picture and then turned around to the bomber and said in a voice so sweet it was as if it were a slice of pie from Waitress “Honey, move over – he’s trying to take a picture of us.”
I almost died because the photo-bomber, who I’m pretty sure was her assistant because they went into NBC together after that, then promptly looked at us and stepped aside. Roma turned to me and said “let’s take it again” with a huge smile and then we took a better picture. I was almost too embarrassed to take snap another one since I had acted like such an ass, but who am I to turn-a Downey Roma?? Also, I was afraid the assistant would go all Hong Kong Phooey on me the second Roma turned away.
How nice is she that even when I’m acting like a compete ass and cannot shut my mouth for even a second, she’s still so sweet and kind? She literally is an angel and I’ll hear nothing to the contrary about that from anyone!
They don’t call me Eagle Eye for nothing – OK no one calls me Eagle Eye, but I’d really like people to start. Since I’ve been stalking celebrities, I’ve run into a few people that I didn’t recognize, but not this time. The door opened and there she was: Marie Osmond. I was walking up to ask for a photo as my buddy asked who it was. What? I was thinking to myself who doesn’t know Marie Osmond? but then I remembered that I didn’t know who N.O.R.E was until I was literally fondling his thumb so I guess it happens.
Marie could not have been more gracious, unlike the gentleman my friend Chris mistook for Freddie Highmore (The Good Doctor) who was not as friendly as he could have been. She snapped pictures with everyone and told more than a few people how cute she thought they were. Full disclosure, I was actually not one of the men she said was cute, which reminded me of what my mother told me when I asked as a young man if I was good looking: “You’re funny, your looks don’t matter!” I’m still not sure if that was a compliment or not, but I guess it was a nicer way of saying no. Thank God my kids are cute like my wife and funny like me – they’ve got best of both worlds!
I’d put up a poll on here to measure my cuteness level, but I feel like my fragile ego is right on the brink anyway, so I’ll spare you. Feel free to light up the comments section below with just how cute you think I am…
As she was entering the building, my buddy looked back at her car and said “Is that Donny Osmond still in there?” “NO” I snapped back – “that man is tiny like a little peanut, elderly, and more importantly – he’s Asian! Have you ever actually seen Donny Osmond?” Needless to say Donny wasn’t rocking the sidewalk like his big sister.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is Dee Snider, lead singer of Twisted Sister. As a person that grew up with a really twisted sister constantly singing I Wanna Rock over and over again, I feel like I can really relate – so it was awesome to meet him.
The car pulled up and all of a sudden he just popped out right in front of us and we asked to take a picture. He stopped and said what sounded like “No”, but he was standing there smiling so it was a little off-putting and I paused. I was surprised that he had said no since it was only three of us there and it would have just taken a minute and also, he stopped. Why would he stop if he didn’t want to do it? I was just about to start singing his classic song “We’re Not Gonna Take It” but then he said it again – “Go!” I laughed and said “Sorry, I thought you said NO!” which made him laugh and he said “It did sound like NO, didn’t it? Come on!” He was really very cool and a friendly dude! He’s starring in Rocktopia on Broadway until April 15th, so get out and go see it!
Last week, I shared my encounter with the fantastic Sandra Bernhard which was perfect timing since the revived Roseanne season was starting tonight, when low and behold Howard Stern was interviewing the Roseanne stars this afternoon. I was anxiously waiting for Roseanne & John Goodman to come down and hopefully snap a picture with me since I’m big fan.
I’ve seen a lot of celebrities, but I was super excited about meeting them – she’s like that crazy aunt everyone wants and loves, but you’re still somewhat scared of what she’ll do at the family reunion and I’ve been a fan of everything he’s done since Always!
Lecy Goranson (Original Becky) came out first and was snapping pictures with other fans in the lobby so I went right over. I told her I was excited for the reboot to start and she said she hoped I liked it. As I was wishing her luck with the show, I looked over to see Roseanne and John Goodman walking towards the door. It was my very own Sophie’s Choice as they split up and headed towards different exits – there was just no way to get both of them.
I love John Goodman, but Roseanne was closer to me and I felt like I had a better shot of actually getting her, so I jumped into action using my ninja-stealth speed. OK – I actually just walked over towards where she was heading, but it was at a brisk pace and still felt very Mission Impossible-ish!
Roseanne’s assistant was shooing people away and said “no pictures” and that Roseanne wouldn’t sign any autographs. I looked over and plotzed because John Goodman was taking pictures with everyone at the other door, but I knew he was too far away now so it was Roseanne or nothing. I was right next to her now and all that stood between her and I was that damn assistant who was no-nonsense as she tried to quickly shuttle her to their waiting car.
As luck would have it, Roseanne’s assistant actually brought her to and opened the door of the wrong car; she actually opened the car door that Lecy had just gotten into. This little snafu caused a short moment of confusion and that moment was my small window of opportunity. I hustled around her assistant and got on the other side of Roseanne once again using my previously mentioned stealth-like ninja speed. I asked Roseanne if I could take the picture and she didn’t answer – full disclosure, it was a little bit of a commotion with the crowd and her assistant leading her to multiple cars through the crowd. I asked again since I’m not an animal and felt it would be extremely rude of me to just jam my phone into Roseanne’s face and start snapping pictures. Also, she’s crazy and could have slugged me which would have been even more awesome!
I asked once again – which at that point was even irritating to me as well – and she looked at me and said what could have been a sarcastic line right from the show “Well, why don’t you just take it already?’” and then she started laughing. It wasn’t her famous cackle from the show, but it’s not like I was tickling her or had told her how my sister shit on a cat; either way she still laughed at me. Drop the mic now because Roseanne laughed at me! Granted, she was laughing at me, not with me, but I’ll take what I can get. She got into the car and was gone in an instant and I wans happy as a pig in a poke. (Not really sure exactly what that expression actually means, but I was pretty stoked).
I didn’t get to meet John Goodman today but I’m happy that I at least got to see him in person. I got to meet and get pictures with Becky and Roseanne so, all in all, it was a really good day – but mark my words, I will meet you one day John Goodman! Like Scarlet O’Hara extolled in the classic Gone with the Wind “As God is my witness, I will never miss a picture with John Goodman again!”
The crazy storms and power outages have knocked me out of my routine and I feel that I’ve neglected you, but just when those celebrities thought it was safe to walk the NYC streets again, Immodium Abuser is back in action!
I must confess that although it’s extremely hard to fathom, I actually am old enough to have watched the initial run of Roseanne. Its one of the current revivals of dead classic series coming back for another go around and it starts Tuesday March 27th on ABC. Even though I’m not a big fan of reboots, I guess they’re better than 67% of the new shows they try out each year. I’m not counting the hundreds of reality shows taking over the world – I mean scripted, original television fare.
Duplicating the success of an original classic show for a revival is so hard because you can’t always replicate the essence which made it so special the first time around. A recognizable title is never a guarantee of success; for every Will & Grace or Hawaii Five-O that works, there’s a Dynasty size mess on the rug when it doesn’t and another Murphy Brown or Magnum PI waiting in the wings to pop up next year.
It’s actually unbelievably hard for me to admit that the new CW version of Dynasty is awful because it’s my absolute favorite show of all time! I wanted to fall right back into my old obsession, but it’s bad. As a silent protest against remakes like this that besmirch the glory of the originals, I have started re-watching the 80’s series all over gain during my morning commute. Despite Metro North’s daily shenanigans, I have a newfound pep in my step which I attribute to Fallon Carrington!
Back to Roseanne. I remember watching that show and being so caught off guard by it. Maybe it had to do with there only being a handful of networks to watch back then so newer shows got more attention than they do nowadays, when there are, literally, hundreds of new shows a year. Roseanne was so different from anything else on television – the Conners were the anti “TV family”. The show struck a nerve like lightning in a bottle and made Roseanne a huge star. As opposed to learning lessons and hugging – this family struggled, fought, laughed and spoke to each other the way you’d hear real mothers talking to their husbands and kids. I loved the ending credits where they’d have playful scenes with their silly backstage antics – it was original and fun and like no other show on television at the time.
I don’t know that this new incantation will be a great success or not, but I bet it’ll be fun if for no other reason than to see this cast back together. Roseanne is a hysterical lunatic, John is a Goodman and massively funny, and Lady Bird Oscar Nominee Laurie Metcalf is the crazy Aunt Jackie everyone wants in their life. The best part of Roseanne was always the talented side players they enlisted – George Clooney, Estelle Parsons and my new friend on the street Sandra Bernhard! She’s original, sassy, crazy, and she puts the F.U. in fun! She’s got a daily Sirius radio show called Sandyland, but she’s still gonna be back for the reboot (along with Parsons) even if it is just for the ninth episode only.
When I saw her, she was rushing to grab a taxi on the street and I couldn’t have been more excited. She was about to get in the cab, but when I called out to her she stepped back out to take a picture with me – which was awesome. She was incredibly sweet and after I took the first picture, she moved in closer to take the second one so it would come out better. Score one for the fans!
So here’s to much success for Sandra and the Roseanne revival – hopefully you watch and they get another season so Sandra can get back onto Prime Time where she belongs.
Sometimes you meet someone and they have a wild spirit while sometimes you meet someone and they’re just crazy – NeNe Leakes is a great mix of both of those!
I must confess that I’m not a Real Housewives fan. I can only identify some of the women from the show because my wife has scarred me by showing some of their over-the-top moments. I’ve seen NeNe Leakes on other TV shows like Glee and The New Normal thought she was funny, but in real life, she was hysterical! You can see why they follow her around with cameras – she’s damn crazy in the best way possible.
Her black car pulled up the street to pass by the crowd of young girls waiting for the guys from Five Seconds of Summer, but I saw her walking towards her car and went right over: “NeNe, my wife loves you!” It was as if I told something so obvious – like the sky was blue – and she just gave me a knowing look and said “I know she does.” “Would you take a picture with me?” I asked and she promptly took control. I don’t know if directing is in her future, but she was certainly directing our photo shoot.
I lifted the phone to prepare the selfie, when she let me know how to do it. “That’s on video – slide it over to take a picture.” I slid it over and held the phone up thinking we were ready to snap, but boy was I wrong. “You gotta hold that camera higher.” I lifted it a little higher thinking I was ready… “Higher” she said so I lifted it again. “Higher” she said again and I lifted yet again. “Higher…OK, now you can take it” and she laughed then started making kissing faces so we could snap a few pictures and she was making me laugh.
After we finished snapping, I thanked her and stepped aside so I wasn’t in the way of my friend’s picture as he was next. She took one look at him and said “Whoa, you’re tall!” so I looked back at her and said “NeNe, how come you didn’t say that to me?” She paused for all of one second and then gave me that famous side-eye look like I was crazy, then proceeded to laugh hysterically. We were all laughing and the look on her face was priceless – similar to this look:
It was literally like a scene out of a sitcom with her one-liners; she really is naturally funny and just had us cracking up. We were also cracking up because there were a couple of men who weren’t getting pictures, just shouting out “QUEEN…QUEEN…” which for some reason in this situation, didn’t seem as crazy as it normally should have. I actually thought they might be with her at first (which didn’t explain them screaming out Queen, but you never know); I didn’t realize until her car pulled away they were just fans shouting out to her as if that was normal. I also didn’t realize we were getting photo bombed either:
She was awesome, she looked great, and she also made me consider extensions for a hot minute, which I don’t think I could pull off as well as her.
A look I basically pull off every day is the bald head and gold chains N.O.R.E. the rapper wears. I don’t think the jeweled Newport box he normally wears is necessarily the right accent piece for me, but what do I know about fashion?
N.O.R.E finished his interview at Sirius and was heading out to his car when he stopped to chat with us. There was a crowd of about 12 – 15 people and I had my phone in my hand when I walked up and he stopped and said “that’s not a warrant, is it” and busted out laughing. I guess I was a little overdressed in my suit and tie compared with his Royal Tannenbaums sweatsuit, but he was so cool anyway.
I gave my friend the camera to take the picture of us and everything was fine as he sidled up to take the picture when I shook his hand. Don’t ask me how it happened, or even why it happened, but instead of selfie training, I need to get some immediate handshake training. For some reason I ended up not shaking his hand but I started shaking his thumb!
How weird it that? How did that even happen? Next thing I know, I’m closing in on that thumb and he’s pointing at me like “This dude is wacked out!” I tried to pretend I hadn’t just fondled little Thumbkin and thanked him, then he went in his car.
Ever the one to build my self-esteem, my sister took one look at the photo and ever the poet she told me that it looks like I’m jerking his thumb off. She did follow it up by saying that she is glad the look of constipation is off of my face in the current crop of pictures though. Only me…
Just when I finally start smiling for the pictures, I go and manhandle the thumb. I should have said “Thumb-body loves you” while we were taking the picture, but that would have just been creepy. From now on, I’m just going to stand still and put my hands at my side like a Stormtrooper. I don’t know about you, but thumb-thing like this makes me laugh and think it’s no wonder people think I’m crazy.
Terry Crews was visiting Sirius and he could not have been cooler if he was Frozen like Elsa. He’s a class act and hysterically funny to boot. The Brooklyn 99 star is 6’3” and jacked up so he’s pretty hard to miss anyway, but he walked through the lobby with that huge smile, He walked over and said “You wanna take a picture with me?” as if he were the one excited to take it with me. I didn’t even have to ask for a snapshot – he asked me first. The look on his face was priceless and I like this picture better than the one of us together. He was clowning around and it felt like a scene from his TV show:
I went over for our selfie and he (obviously being WAY taller than me and sensing that he’d have to crouch down to the floor to be at eye level with me) said “No Man, let’s have her take it – it’ll come out much better” and he was right. We gave the camera to someone else to take the photo and it came out great. When I say the picture came out great – I mean that he looks great, but I look like that dwarf from Game of Thrones standing next to him.
I look short and scrawny standing next to Terry Crews, but thankfully I don’t look Smurf-like as I did here with NBA star Jason Collins:
He’s Mr. Charisma and everyone loves him; he was joking around and chatting everyone up – just such a cool guy.
Of course, in between taking the photo of him and then passing off my phone to take our picture together, I snapped another one and it’s all screwed up as per the norm with my photos:
I just got a new phone so hopefully the pictures will be better from now on but, I’m tempering my expectations accordingly because Herb Ritts I am not.
If there is one question people ask me (besides how do I always look so handsome) its how do you see every film nominated for the Oscars? There are 44 feature films and 15 short films nominated for the 2018 Academy Awards and if you’re like me, you scour the internet for show times and hustle from city to city making sure you’ve seen every single film nominated for the Academy Awards before the March 4th telecast. My wife is usually a willing partner with me, but the year I made her drive over ninety minutes each way to see an Best Song nominee while she was pregnant pushed her past the breaking point. Now, we see as many as we can together and then I fly solo for the rest. I always see them all and luckily, this year there are a ton of films already streaming and on DVD to make it much easier.
If you haven’t been keeping up with the films and need some direction – I’m here for you. First, look over the nominations list and check off what you’ve already seen. If by chance, you haven’t seen any of the nominated films, fret not because you still have time to catch up! You don’t need to see all 59 films nominated – most people just see the Best Picture nominees but you can set your own goal. I’m not here to tell you what to see and judge you for not seeing as many movies as me, just to offer you a comprehensive guide on how to see what you want to see! Take a deep breath because this can be overwhelming, so buckle up and let’s go!
FIRST OFF – If you live under a rock and don’t know what films are nominated for the 90th Annual Academy Awards then click here for the nominations:
In case you’re thinking this is going to cost you an arm and a leg, there are many films available at no additional cost because they’re already included with your subscription to Netflix, HBO or Amazon Prime.
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Beauty and the Beast
The Boss Baby
On Body and Soul
Last Men in Aleppo
The Big Sick
Abacus: Small Enough to Jail
HBO & HBO GO:
Streaming free on Topic.com
Edith + Eddie
Streaming free on Firstshowing.net
Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405 (***MY FAVORITE FILM OF THE YEAR!)
Streaming free on YouTube:
For the following films, there is a charge, but you can make a real dent in some of the major categories with the movies NOW STREAMING on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play. (You can also get them free of charge at your local Library by going old school and picking up a DVD too!)
Three Billboards Outside Ebbings, Missouri
Roman J. Israel, Esq.
The Florida Project
Blade Runner 2049
The Disaster Artist
Victoria & Abdul
War for the Planet of the Apes
Kong: Skull Island
If you do pay for movies on ITunes, Fandango or other services, sign up for Ebates here and get a $10 bonus now plus earn money back on ITunes and hundreds of purchases on most websites you’re using every day. No catch, it’s literally just free money back and I’ve gotten over $220 back since I started using it!
Available on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play February 27th:
The Shape of Water (The most nominated film this year with 13!)
Call me By Your Name
Animated Short Films (Five film bundle of Dear Basketball, Garden Party, Lou, Negative Space, Revolting Rhymes)
Live Action Short Films (Five film bundle of DeKalb Elementary, The Eleven O’ Clock, My Nephew Emmett, The Silent Child, Watu Wote/All of Us)
Available on ITunes, Amazon, & Google Play March 2nd:
In Theatres only:
All the Money in the World
The Greatest Showman
Star Wars: The Last Jedi (If you haven’t seen this by now – come on young Padawans!)
Documentary Short Films Program A & B (Program A has three films including Traffic Stop which isn’t available online, so this is the only way to see it. The Program B films are available free on Netflix and ITunes).
If you go to the movies make sure that you sign up for Moviepass and take advantage of membership and the ability to see a movie every single day in thousands of available theatres for only $9.99 a month! That’s less than the cost of buying one movie ticket! If you buy tickets through Fandango – remember to use the Ebates App and get that money back!
Good luck catching up and getting caught up. Start with the Best Picture nominees or start with the films with the most nominations or just pick out of a hat and work your way down the list. There are some great films this year and if I could get you to watch only one – let it be Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405! It’s far and away my favorite film of the year and if you’re not moved by Mindy Alper’s story you just might be dead inside. I’ve seen a lot already and my checklist is almost complete, but even though I’m cramming all the last minute films in, I’m still here if you need suggestions or advice. Which are your favorites this year? What moved you? What bored you? What pissed you off? What’s overrated? Light up the comments below and tell the Immodium Abuser all about it!
Two musicians that could not be more different were both visiting Sirius and who knew it was their lucky day: they got up close and personal with the Immodium Abuser! None other than 80’s big voice, big hair, and big ballad legend Taylor Dayne and former Ozzy Osbourne guitarist and Black Label Society founder Zakk Wylde.
Taylor Dayne is a legend of big 80’s ballads and bigger hair, and she was all bundled up to brave the winter chill, still took time to meet and take pictures when she was on her way out from visiting Sirius. “Taylor, my wife and I saw you in Aida on Broadway a few years ago” I said as we met. She laughed and looked at me with a big smile and there was that famous big voice: “That was way more than a few years ago.” We both chuckled, then I actually had to go back and look it up and that was way back in 2001. She’s right that was way more than a few years ago which begs the obvious question – how does she still look so good and I look like Charlie Brown’s father?
Where the hell did the time go? I feel like it was just yesterday that she was signing Tell it to My Heart and I’ll Always Love You, but apparently that’s now called musac. Most of her songs are older than kids currently graduating college and that my friends is exactly why getting old sucks! But she was really cool and I was stoked to meet her!
Zakk Wylde on the other hand truly lives up to his name and certainly is a Wylde man. He’s the former guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne and founder of the band Black Label Society. I asked for a picture and as we were taking it, he looked at the way I was standing and said “No way Dude – you gotta pose like this with your fist!” Who was I to say no to a request like that? My wife thinks this picture makes me look tough and since they just announced a casting call for the West Side Story that Steven Spielberg is remaking, maybe I’ll use this as my headshot to illustrate my street cred…
Full disclosure, if I wasn’t terrified that Zakk would have kicked the shit out of me I would have asked him to drape that flowing beard over my head so I can see what I’d look like with hair – now that would have been a great picture! Also, the man was wearing a chain. I don’t mean he was wearing a chain like MR. T – I mean he was wearing a chain like the kind that Mr. T would lock his gates with!
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know a lot about fashion, but a chain like that definitely makes a statement. What statement that is exactly, I’m not sure, but I certainly couldn’t pull that off. For one thing, how strong must your belt loops be to hold that baby up? Seriously, what kind of special pants are they – the chain weighs more than a toddler and yet he’s rolling though like its business casual. I’m tired walking to my car just holding my head up so I’d be exhausted hauling that thing around all day.
How does one even sit down with that chain on? It’s almost like there should be a gigantic pocket watch attached to the end of it just to show how absurd it is – but on him it works! The real challenge I see is if you’re walking by and your jam comes on: You Can’t Stop the Feeling when those hips start shaking. One wrong hip shake and you’ll see exactly what LL Cool J meant in Mama Said Knock You Out!
Either way, it was my very own version of Beauty and the Beard without the teapot! Wylde man was awesome as was the Dayne with the Mane and at the end of the day, couldn’t we all use just a little more Taylor Dayne in our day?
It’s very tacky to brag about accolades and recognition, but if you lined up mine and Dame Helen Mirren’s career accomplishments side by side – you’d see awards with names like Oscar, Tony, Emmy, Golden Globe, Screen Actors Guild, and many more. There would also be a lot of empty Imodium AD boxes, but it’s not a competition – can’t we just support each other and share her trophies?
The Queen, Prime Suspect, Gosford Park, National Treasure, Elizabeth I, The Last Station, Trumbo, Hitchcock – there’s just nothing she does that’s not great. Even the Arthur remake was almost watchable because of her being in it.
It was a dreary day raining on and off and I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think Helen Mirren might have magical powers and be able to control the weather just like the Chinese government. If this were Salem (and I mean the real Salem, not Days of Our Lives Stefano Dimera’s Salem) they might have burned her at the stake for witchcraft. She looked up and gave a perfect scowl of disdain to the NYC drizzle and poof – just like that – it stopped. That rain literally stopped. Maybe it was a coincidence and it wasn’t a torrential downpour anyway, but I’m not taking any chances if the New York rain won’t even mess with her.
She was just as awesome as she seems: greeting everyone, signing autographs and taking pictures, just working the crowd. In all her regal glory, everyone wanted to meet her when all of a sudden, I looked back at the car and realized that Donald Sutherland, was still in the car. Everyone was transfixed on her, so I rushed right over to tell him what a fan I was and he gladly snapped a few pics.
For anything Donald Sutherland has ever done or will ever do, nothing can top Ordinary People for me. He was amazing and heartbreaking and just the best Dad and for me, that’s the pinnacle. I do love He’s been in a ton of things and around forever, but that’s my favorite of his performances and it still holds up after all these years.
Not everyone got a picture with Donald Sutherland, but he did sign a few autographs and made his way inside with Helen. They were together promoting their new movie, The Leisure Seeker, on Sirius and had to get inside for their interview so it was a good thing I got to him first.
I as happy as a clam at my two-for-one sighting, and I headed off on my way. I thought it was already a fantastic day, not knowing I’d see this superstar so of course I ran over and had to ask for a selfie as he was getting ready for his close-up on FOX News:
Not sure why my phone has decided that it will take better pictures of me, the girl with the feed bag, and a random alpaca as opposed to the jacked up shake-n-bake pictures it took of me with Helen & Donald, but the struggle is real peeps! I read The Secret and its usually not this loud and clear, but it sounds like the universe is telling me to head right to the Apple Store and get rid of this busted ass phone…
Just when you think Helen Mirren couldn’t be any more awesome – CLICK HERE so you can see her crushing Drop the Mic with James Corden and she’ll remind you why she’s the Queen!
I’m not one to humble brag, mostly since I’m not really that good at humility, but I cannot believe that I haven’t mentioned Ice-T yet! Lucky for you that current events have now forced me into giving you a special Hump Day treat – another post! It’s sort of like getting a bonus Jonas without the preteen angst or acne.
I have been star gazing (or stalking if you will) for a bit now, but one of the very first times I realized that my daily path to work was paved with Hollywood stars was because of Ice-T! As I was walking to work, there was a bunch of people crowding a car that had just pulled up when all of a sudden, Ice-T got out. It all happened so fast: people were trying to get him to autograph things and asking him to snap photos with them so security got in close to block him and shouted “we have to get him inside right now!” and steered him towards the doorway. Thanks to my ninja stealth reflexes, quick-thinking, and terrifying fear of not getting to meet him – I sprang into action like Black Panther. I got right in between the female security guard that yelled about getting him inside and Ice-T and said loudly “Come on guys, we gotta get him inside!” and then put my arm around him and said “but real quick Ice…” and proceeded to snap a few pictures.
He laughed and thought I was funny and said “you’re crazy” and laughed again while we took a few pictures and then he went off into the building for his interview on The Today Show. I merrily shuffled along to work thinking that would be the best part of my day – because seriously, what else could top that? Little did I know…
As is the required by NY State law upon such an occurrence, I posted the pictures to Facebook and I thinking only of my beloved Immodium Abusers in a case like this, I also sent out a tweet or two. I got a bunch of likes which was nice, but then I hit the mother load: Ice-Mother-Effin-T went and liked two of my tweets!!!! He liked two of my tweets!
Of course I saw that notification and then called my wife to share this most joyous of news thinking how over the moon she’d be as well. I immediately went into a ranting diatribe about how excited I was and proceeded to give her a play-by-play and she couldn’t say one word because I was rambling on so much. I started screaming how it was the best day ever (Literally the best day ever!) and tried to explain the latest updates as I had already called her from the corner earlier to tell her about meeting Ice-T. Thinking she’d be a supportive and understanding wife and as excited as I was, you can imagine my surprise by how non-plussed she was.
I was out breath and carrying on like a psycho for the second time that day and I thought we must have gotten disconnected because she wasn’t saying anything at all until she finally asked “How can this be the best day ever? What about the day we met or got engaged or the day we got married or maybe the birth of our three children???” “Honey those were great too, no one is comparing, but he liked two of my tweets – TWO!!! That means he was reading my stuff. That’s so crazy!!! How am I the only one freaking out here?” Now, I’m not saying that the birth of my children wasn’t a notable occasion or that my Wedding wasn’t memorable, but come on – it’s Ice-T. “Honey, did you even read the tweets? They’re really funny and Ice thinks I’m funny too! Did you hear me? Ice thinks I’m funny! He was reading my shit! “Honey, you need to get back to work and leave Ice the hell alone!” And then she was gone. I’m not saying he was overreacting, but have I mentioned that he liked two of the tweets? It wasn’t just a passing chuckle or glance – he went and liked two of them! That night she told me I guess I was lucky that he didn’t retweet them too or I might have actually shit my pants and she might be right on that one!
Now here’s the second tweet he liked:
As f that wasn’t awesome enough, fast forward to November when I was running the NYC Marathon. They set up an app where friends and family could submit pictures or messages to be shown on the jumbotron in Central Park to motivate you in the homestretch of the race. Knowing how busy Ice-T was, I took the liberty of creating and submitting a photo for him because that’s the kind of nice guy I am. During the race, I was really struggling with the pain, more chafing than any man should ever have to endure and the excessive sweating even through the constant rain most of the day. I was partially dead inside from the race, but once I got to Central Park, my mind was blown when low and behold, I looked up at the jumbo tron and there was me and Ice! I had th only reaction one man could have at a time like that and I started screaming and carrying on lie a little girl. There was a random lady running next to me that looked up when I started screaming and then she looked back at me and said “Holy Shit – Are you friends with Ice-T?” Obviously, I was carried away in the heat of the moment, but what else do you call someone who is supporting you through a really hard time in your life but a friend! “Yes he is lady, yes he is!” I think I was actually flying through the rest of Central Park after that because I was definitely on cloud 9.
I don’t even need to go into how cool of a Dad he is, so I’ll just leave it right here that my son LOVES Paw Patrol too – I smell a playdate coming up! Watch him going through cartoon theme songs on The Tonight Show here: Ice-T on Jimmy Fallon singing Paw Patrol Theme song.
Now that we’re up to speed, let me tell you about today. There I was, just minding my business and checking Twitter to see what Ice-T was up to (as friends normally do) and happened to see his Tweet about the Grammy loss for BodyCount:
Now what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say something? A bad one, you’re right. So I sent him a tweet – WHICH HE LIKED AGAIN!!!
That makes three likes! BOOM! Now – we’ve passed the Friend Zone and are entering Bestie territory. Time to grab drinks and catch up! And tell Ice Cube not to front – there’s enough room for everyone!
I know what you’re thinking: the Oscars always omit deserving nominees and even though the field was expanded to include more films, this year is no different. How can the Academy legitimately present the best films and egregiously omit Kumail Nanjiani’s best work on the movie screen: Poop Talk? That’s obviously much more fun to talk about than me following after him down half a block to get a photo with him…
If you thought I was referring to The Big Sick, you might be sorry you clicked here. That’s also a really amazing film, but if I’m honest – it kind of pales in comparison to the depths of emotion and honesty that Nanjiani shows in Poop Talk. Forget about Holly Hunter and Ray Romano, this is the real deal – the meat and potatoes if you will. No, I am not making this shit up and you won’t see anything more real on your screen this year. There are no avian females or billboards here, but there are plenty of comedians and experts dropping their truth while celebrating the very last taboo: poop talk.
I will admit that when I first heard about Poop Talk, I was a tad bit offended that I was excluded from participating in the making of this masterpiece. Could there really be a better “expert” on the complex intricacies of number two than moi? I don’t think so and it’s shocking anyone else could either. That being said, since I am a part-time mature adult, I took a cue from Elsa and Let it Go. Also, I thought I’d channel these feelings of exclusion and abandonment into focusing on getting myself a role in the inevitable sequel which they should make just for the title alone: Poop Talk: Number 2 – Dance til I Puma Pants! It’s toilet porn with a lot more corn and you bet your sweet bippy I want in on that!
Poop Talk is in movie theatres and Video on Demand on ITunes on February 18th so get that Valentine’s Day Shopping done right now – who needs flowers or jewelry, when this is the gift that will show the depts. Of your affection. It’s guaranteed to bring out the smiles and laughter and I heard that Meryl Streep actually said it moved her like nothing has in the past few years. She also could have been talking about Nanjiani’s chili moving through her which would make more sense, but who am I to argue with her Streep-ness? Full disclosure, no one has ever heard her say anything like that, but it does sound like something she might say or it’s more likely that if the Dingo that ate her baby could talk, this is exactly what it would say…
In all seriousness, we should feel extremely fortunate because it’s not very often that you see an Oscar nominee chatting it up about dookies. In a perfect world, The Big Sick would win the Best Original Screenplay Oscar next month if only so that he could rush the stage extolling the virtues of poop and Imodium…I’m rooting for you Kumail – now let’s hang out and swap shitting stories Buddy! Friends talk about the jobs and family, but Best Friends talk about poop and boy have I got a shitload of stories for you!
Poop Talk trailer here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IrzZ0ceFyRY