It’s Bubbe’s Berfday

It’s a holiday kids! I don’t mean Tito Puente eating paste al dente or the one that starts with sparklers and ends with a bang: It’s Bubbe’s Berf Day!

Unlike a parent that can’t admit that he likes one of his kids more than the others – I wanna wish a very Happy Birthday to my Number One fan: Bubbe!

There are so many reasons she’s awesome – but isn’t the fact that she loves this site more than life itself reason enough! She’s obviously smart, funny, and has great taste!

While other peeps frown on all things piling up on the outer regions of the “internets,” she’s blazing a trail and making her way to bring happiness to the masses!

Me and Bubbe making cream puffs!

Also, did I mention her cream puffs? Obviously that isn’t meant as dirty as it sounds, but homegirl can cook too!

We might just do a Vlog with us cooking up some treats one day which is sure to wow the masses! We’re a match made in heaven: she’s sweet, witty, and caring and I’m just funny to look at!

Please google “Annie smack that Fannie” right now!

In all seriousness, one moment doesn’t define someone’s lifetime, but for all intents and purposes – Bubbe literally broke the mold when she hatched Annie-Smack-That-Fannie! Yes folks, the awesomeness carried over when she birthed the holiest of all pigeon-pooping-people and has raised a smart, funny, caring, Immodiumabuser obsessed woman in her image! Take it from me when I say that the internet is forever grateful for that and one only needs to google “Annie smack that Fannie” to see why!

The apple didn’t fall far from the tree…and the poop didn’t fall far from the pigeon!

For all these and many more reasons – I celebrate you today and always! You’re truly a special lady and I hope you have a great day!

Also, did I mention those cream puffs?

And for your birthday – here’s a shot of me and Darryl Strawberry, right before our dance off.

Ok one more. Here’s one of me and Hal Prince to make you feel young again – you look like a teen next to him!

He’s 91 years old and has ten times the energy I do!

CelebriTuesdays with Lionel Richie

lionel meme 2


Hello? Is it Tony you’re looking for? Here’s me and Lionel Richie this morning. I couldn’t just take a picture like a normal person, I had to try and be funny and whisper “Say you, say me…” meanwhile, I end up looking like I’m in the middle of a seizure. Too bad there’s not a filter for bells palsy face. Next time me and Lionel are dancing on the ceiling – I’m just gonna shut up and smile.


#3 blurry


Lionel Richie was on the Today show this morning and he was walking out of the building as I was walking by. Ok, I was stalking again – same thing…You know it’s never a compliment to you when a 68 year old man looks better than you, but Lionel was rocking it and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut long enough to take a picture; thus me sporting the stroke face.



Public Service Announcement: My wife wants me to let you know that this only happened because I have a terrible habit of constantly ruining pictures because I’m literally not able to shut my mouth even for a second. After seeing these pictures I tend to agree…

For all my Homies to get to know mes

Nobody wants to feel bad bacuse they came late to the party, so I’ll just drop this here so you can catch up with a handful of the good ones. Then go back and search for the one about the Pope and the one about the Shitty Kitty and then get back on board because this train is leaving the station!

Of all the questions that people ask me about this site, nine times out of ten there is some variation of “Your poor wife, how does she do it?” as the very first question. The second question is which is the best post to read if you’re new to this site and haven’t had a chance to catch up on all the older stuff posted here. If you fall into the latter category than today is your lucky day!

I’ve created a list of what I think are the essential posts you MUST read in order to get to know this site. Others are really funny as well, but this is where you should start. These are in no particular order, just a random collective to get you up to speed. I must advocate caution while ingesting these posts, as some of them are really funny. In the lab, some of the test subjects were known to lose control…

View original post 213 more words

Is it really the thought that counts or what the f*ck were you thinking?

CHOO CHOO – My sister’s Happy Birthday locomotive is coming through!!! Here’s hoping that out big brother changed his ways and all of a sudden gave Marlene a good gift. OK, no way that would happen! Keep us posted the next time you guys do a puzzle together and what you get for your Birthday… 🙂


People say that it’s the thought that counts when receiving gifts – but do you know who really says that? The people who don’t get the crappy gift! When you are the one who actually receives and opens the shitty gift, you never think “Oh, it’s the thought”…you think – “What a douche”…

summers eve

If you don’t agree with that last statement then you obviously have never been given a bath towel that has a white side marked with the word Face and a brown side marked with the word Butt by your father-in-law for Christmas. He said he saw it and thought of me instantly. Not sure what that means exactly, but I never took it too personally because this is the same man who carried one of his wife’s old purses through Europe so he had all of his things at the ready on the plane trips. It’s not even like it could pass for…

View original post 800 more words

They say it’s your Berfday…



While trying to think up the best way to start December off with the spark it needs, it took me all of two seconds to realize that I should launch a Birthday week celebration for my little sister Marlene. Now, don’t get concerned that Immodium Abuser has gone soft on you – there’s nothing mushy to be found here. I love her, but Homegirl has some of that way down deep crazy that you usually only see in the movies. In her honor, I’m celebrating her by sharing three of the best things I’ve written about her and on that note, I’ll just drop this little nugget right here:

More to follow later in the week – Happy Birthday Week Cray Cray!!!




pope in central park

When I got tickets to last week’s Papal procession through Central Park, I knew it would be a special event, not to be missed. When my friend Annie Smack That Fannie said she’d go with me, I knew it would mean we’d probably need adult supervision as she’s crazy with a capital C! We were actually debating in Central Park over which one of us crazier, but she finally conceded. After all, this is a woman that literally carries a megaphone in her car to shout out the window through said megaphone to shame and stop passing cars from texting while driving. I love her, but Homegirl’s got the deep down crazies inside of her if you know what I mean.

central park crowds

The thought of waiting in line for hours and then cramming into Central Park with 80,000 other people might have been a deterrent for others, but it was worth it for a chance to see The Pope. This is an amazing man that transcends religion, embraces everyone, and the world just loves him! He’s an inspiration and he doesn’t like me to tell everyone, but he also reads my blog too; who am I to argue with a man with such good taste?

We met across from Grand Central and plotted our course. This was of course after 77 texts back and forth as she braved Metro North and then risked her life by eating a steak sandwich from the food court in Grand Central. Take that in people and ponder if you will the sanity of a woman that would willingly choose to eat a steak sandwich from Grand Central, of all places, and then venture off to be locked in Central Park with 80,000 people and no access to restrooms! That is either amazing bravery or obscene insanity! Apparently, she’s got the constitution of a brick house! I know not everyone has the same stomach issues that plague me, but that’s just some crazy kind of mystery meat to be trying down there…It’s like ordering General Meow’s Chicken at the Chinese restaurant – you just don’t do it!

General Meow's Chicken

General Meow’s Chicken

Miss Smack That Fannie likes to have single every detail of every single minute of every single day plotted out and didn’t think that I knew where we were going. I’ll defer to history being on her side with my poor directional skills and all, but I really did know where we were off to. For God’s sake, it’s Central Park. If you don’t see the entrance you’re supposed to go into, circle the block. I actually run in Central Park quite a bit because of my NYC Marathon training, so I knew where we were going. We abandoned the directions discussion once I realized that she had been dive-bombed and covered by a passing pigeon. We hadn’t even entered the line to go in and she’d already been shit on.

I can only keep replaying this priceless image of her getting bombed like Pearl Harbor in my mind as if it were a scene from my favorite DVD; it was priceless and that bird really got her. You know why? The bird also ate a steak sandwich from Grand Central causing said gastric explosion!  I don’t think I can accurately describe how much this bird unloaded onto her without a graphic, so see the picture below and contemplate because that bird was shitting for all it was worth. Sort of like when your four year old drops a dookie the size of a Teddy Ruxpin and you have no idea how so much could possibly come out of such a small little body – it was like that!

That's not lucky...

That’s not lucky…

I was laughing and offered up the requisite “It’s supposed to be good luck” but when the female cop about three feet from us looked over at us with disgust, shook her head and replied “That’s not good luck – That’s just some shit on your shirt!!!” I just lost it. That was actually good luck: it was good luck that it happened to her and not me or I would have headed straight to the nearest hotel to shower and scrub my body – Pope or no Pope!!!

So now we’re outside Central Park and she’s covered in bird shit with nothing to clean it off. I had a bunch of napkins in my pocket because I had a runny nose, but didn’t want to give her any. I wasn’t being selfish, it’s just that we were gonna be in the park for a few hours at the very least and what was I going to use for my runny nose if I gave her all my napkins. I conceded and gave her two napkins because I’m a gentleman, and she did what she could to remove it from her shirt. Now as we’re walking, crazy train is clutching those filthy napkins like they’re gold bars and wouldn’t toss them away. She didn’t want to litter and there were no garbage cans for security reasons, but if there was ever a time it’s OK to litter, this was it. Finally she conceded, but I was like “you’re holding bird shit in your hand – throw that out!” Now not only did I have to worry about navigating us through the crowds, I also had to watch out that she never tried to touch me with that shit-stained hand!

As we lined up and snaked through the line to make our way to security and the metal detectors, chatty Cathy herself decided that she’d strike up conversations with about 87 people along the way. I was trying to be my usual moronic self and tried to sell her to an Indian man and then told another woman that thought we were a couple I could do better than that. We were laughing up a storm through it having a blast – even when this same couple of old ladies that were pushing through the line kept pushing people and then saying “did you just push me?” She bumped me and then Annie exposed her game to multiple people on line and eventually they ditched us and pushed up through the line. Actually almost every person that we chatted up made a run for it shortly after including the tall guy that she kept calling her tall glass of water. I’m all for boosting someone’s self-esteem too, but compared to us there are some grade school kids that tower over us so tall is subjective…

We finally made it through security almost three hours later and arrived at the metal detectors. She went through and it was fine but for some reason, my magnetic personality kept setting it off. The security guard pointed at me and waved me over to her. I went over casually knowing I’d already emptied my pockets and had nothing on me; I was expecting maybe a pat down, but who knew I’d have to turn and cough? She started out fine enough scanning my upper body, but the wand started beeping like crazy as she circled my crotch and her internal Amber alert went off. I’m not sure what she was expecting, but she proceeded to grab the waist of my pants and belt and yanked it forward. Of course, having the maturity level of a teenager – I looked her in the eye and said “That’s not where I keep my Imodium, Honey!” We all had a good laugh at that one and she sent us on our way. Usually, you have to pay to get grabbed like that in Central Park, but I guess it was my lucky day.

security 3 security 2

Is that an Imodium in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Is that an Imodium in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

We scoured around to find the best available viewing spot and tried out a few spots before we finally found a good vantage point. This is also when Mrs. Smack That Fannie literally ventured off the path and went into a bush and pushed back branches because she thought it was a better view. I repeat, she was literally inside the bush like a sniper and thought I’d join her in there. I, of course, declined her offer and felt confident that I’d be able to see from a normal spot. Unlike the kids sitting on branches in the trees like little monkeys, I had no intention of communing with nature or risking ticks or poison ivy in the park.

The procession came and went by and was over as fast as the drive-by shitting with the bird from earlier, but it was amazing to be that close and see him. You can’t describe the experience and how cool it is to actually see The Pope. We were so lucky to get to experience something so cool and it was just such an awesome feeling!

my fans 2

What I have neglected to mention before now, is that I was wearing a mini Pope Doll around my neck in tribute to His Holiness. It got quite a few looks and attracted many followers. I thought for sure there’d be a ton of people wearing Pope Dolls, but I didn’t see any other one except for mine. I had gotten it at the Jersey Shore a few weeks ago in anticipation of the Papal Visit, but wasn’t sure until that morning how to properly display it. I originally planned on sewing it to my shoulder, a la an angel on my shoulder, but the hands kept messing with my hair so I clipped it to a lanyard and wore it like a necklace.

my fans 1 (2)

As we navigated out of the Park, there were a ton of people that wanted to take pictures of the Pope Doll, so I made Annie take their pictures with me as well. An older Spanish woman came up and just kept shaking The Pope Doll’s hand and I didn’t want to ruin it for her, but someone should have told her it was only a doll and not really The Pope’s hand she was shaking!

blessing 1

blessing 2
What good is a Pope Doll if you’re not going to bless the crowd with it? Here I am blessing a woman’s crucifix.
Annie was getting mad because she needed to rush back to Grand Central (allegedly to catch a train, but I suspect she wanted to get another sketchy steak sandwich!) and like The Pontiff, I was a man of the people wanting to stop for every single person that wanted a photo with the Pope Doll. She finally drew the line at the elderly nun passing by and wouldn’t let me take any more pictures.

Here's us introducing AJ Ross of ABC News to The Pope Doll.

Here’s us introducing AJ Ross of ABC News to The Pope Doll.

Here’s us with AJ Ross, news reporter for ABC. She was interviewing a man crying because he was so overcome with emotion after seeing The Pope, yet crazy train was trying to have the Pope Doll photobomb that poor guys interview…Even I was a little more respectful than that.

I'll give you a shocker, we met Gregg Mocker!!!

I’ll give you a shocker, we met Greg Mocker!!!

We eventually got to Grand Central to be on our way home, but what a day it was. It’s been suggested that the moral of this story is – hang out with me at your own risk. Apparently, that there should be a parental guidance warning that comes prior to spending time with me, but I think the same goes for Annie – thoughts?

You’ll Look Dope! This Ride was pre-owned by the Pope!


popemobile 1

I know what you’re thinking “OH God! He’s talking about religion so it will be immature and offensive and he’s crazy and I’m insulted by that. Believe it or not, it is possible for me to have a mature discussion about a serious topic. This is not it, but I can have one if I wanted to…  

The Pope gave his last official address in front of 150,000 people in Rome. The Catholic part of me is sad that he’s retiring, but the selfish part of me is wondering how to ask if I can have his car…Just kidding, but I really do wonder – he gave up the Papacy for lent, does he have to give up the car too?

I’m actually being somewhat serious here – there is no better ride known to man than the Pope mobile. It’s a Mercedes – Boom! You always…

View original post 619 more words

The “No Means Nose” Hair Movement!

Jimmy, there’s room at my house for a true patriot like you! Grab your bags and then head over to casa Imodium!

Cameron, thank you for letting me know that you agree with me on the nose hair issue – I know that there is a quiet majority building out there that thinks it’s as disgusting as I do and that it’s about time we stood up and banded together. To that end, forget the Tea Party – I’m starting the “No Means Nose” Hair Movement and I might actually approach Jimmy McMillan, the “Rent is Too Damn High” guy, to be the face of our movement because if there is one man we should all be listening to about facial hair – it’s him! I don’t think he’s crazy at all – I wish I could get away with wearing gloves 24/7 and never touch anything with my bare hands. He’s the aftershock of a BP Sized Rogaine Spill, but I took one look at him, with that…

View original post 759 more words

Just for the Holiday Season: My Famous Baby Jesus Story

I wanna send a “What’s up big Perm, I mean Big Worm!” out with one of my favorite posts out to My Number One Fan (yes, in the Kathy Bates Misery kind of way) on the one year anniversary of the Day she birthed baby Dukes! It’s at these times of year when everyone gathers round the hearth and reminisces about the time she was patted on her backside at a wedding by an extremely old waiter (no judgement that she liked it-gotta take it where you can get it) or when she enthusiastically played “Hey Hooka how much?” with me. You’re a special kind of crazy and everyone knows how much I love and appreciate the crazy!!! Here’s to you and an amazing little peanut one year later!! Also, I was going to also send a shout out to her Moms as well, but I don’t want Poppy getting anxious and asking “what’s going on with you and ImmodiumAbuser on the internets” again!!! 🙂

So whatever you’re gathering around this week keep the real meaning of the holidays in your celebration and say a really nice little blessing for the selfless ones that bring so much joy to so many people around the world: the peeps that invented Imodium! Im so thankful because it’s enabled many a Christmas without cramping, Channukah without clenching and Kwanza without the Quick hitters!!! It’s a Festivus for the rest of us!!!

I am not one to start with a disclaimer, but this post might need one. Some people get really crazy about Religion and what should and shouldn’t be done with iconic religious figures, so let me say right now that if you are the type that gets easily offended by the inappropriate misuse of a religious figurine by an absolute moron – STOP READING THIS NOW! Otherwise enjoy and don’t say that I didn’t warn you…


As you get together this week and surrounded yourself with those animals that you call Dad or Mom or maybe they’re your brother, sister, or even the housekeeper serving dinner  –  remember the spirit of the Holiday Season and what it was intended to be about: The Baby Jesus! I’m not kidding – I’d like to share a little something that happened to me the year that a little plastic baby…

View original post 2,879 more words

I’m running the NYC Marathon tomorrow!!!

I’m running the NYC marathon tomorrow!!!  If you haven’t donated to my fundraising cause yet and feel guilty – click here:

I’m sure that every one of you will be on the edge of your seats all weekend absolutely consumed by thoughts of my five borough trek, so here’s something to make it a little more bearable for you: The link to the runner tracking page.
Just kidding, feel free to not even give me a second thought as I pound the pavement, mile by mile by mile by mile, never giving up, always enduring, sweating like jello pudding pop left out in the sunlight for too long at a family barbecue…putting my body through the rigors of 26.2 miles…26.2 miles!!! No big deal at all…enjoy your weekend. What were you doing this weekend anyway? Oh, just raking some leaves? Cleaning out some closets? Oh, that sounds nice too…

Some people had asked about tracking me and I’m not sure that they have the technology that will be able to to track someone like me that’s fast as lightning, but here is the option to try anyway. My bib number is 33370 and I’m in Green Wave 2, Corral C, 10:05 start.
To those of you that will be out there cheering in the streets – thank you in advance and remember to only photograph my good side! 🙂 I know, right? Take a look at me – there’s no bad side!

If you’re looking out for me, I’ll be right in back of the Kenyans and the elite runners…and by right behind, I mean about three hours behind them. I seriously couldn’t have done this without you and as I pass the finish line, I will be sending all of you a big, virtual, sweaty hug!!!

TuTu much craziness: Why they changed the name to (Go F Your) Self Magazine!

Desmond in a Tutu protesting Self Magazine

Desmond in a Tutu protesting Self Magazine

I’m shocked at the whole tutu madness from the past few days but most of all because I’m embarrassed to tell you that I didn’t even realize the honorable Desmond Tutu wrote for Self magazine…I guess his workload got a lot easier after they banned apartheid and all… What’s next? Sri Sri Ravi Shankar lashing out against peep-toe shoes?

Apparently, The Art of Living is just a cool breeze up the back of your caftan...

Apparently, The Art of Living is just a cool breeze up the back of your caftan…

Speaking of titles – how come I’m not referred to as the Honorable Immodium Abuser? Like I had nothing to do with ending Apartheid? OK, in fairness I literally had nothing to do with ending it, but I certainly wasn’t helping to spread it so that’s gotta be worth something…maybe I should be referred to as The Eminent Immodium Abuser? I‘m not a whore for a title, but just a little something to spice up my business cards.

The Eminent Immodium Abuser!

The Eminent Immodium Abuser!

In all seriousness, here is a snapshot of what’s going on: Self magazine made and ass of itSelf when they published a photo of a woman running a marathon in a Wonder Woman costume and tutu WHILE SHE WAS BATTLING CANCER! Running a marathon is grueling and enormously hard, but while fighting cancer? And she started the company that makes the tutus to donate money to cancer foundations…Forget the bad PR move they made – it’s just kinda reminds you of the crappy people out there in the world. She’s got a real great spirit and is taking it like a champ and I hope that this media attention gets a lot of support for her company and her charitable acts because they’re significant and inspiring.

monica tutu

I don’t want to diminish how serious this is or try to divert any of the attention off of her, but let’s talk about who really looks good in a tutu! The bright spot in this media shitstorm has been the widespread publication of this little nugget:

Daniel Day Purvis

Abusers, meet Daniel Day Purvis! I know exactly what you’re thinking as you look at this photo: a) Does this guy even lift? b) This guy is straight? For the record, yes and he’s married with kids not that there’s anything wrong with that if he wasn’t…c) I know, I know – but how did he get that perfectly ruffled tutu dyed exactly the same shade as his tye-dye shirt? Only he and Karl Lagerfeld can say for sure…

do you even lift

This is not a picture that was just taken to get on board with the recent controversy – this is an aerodynamic running machine showing us the true way to rock out and run a race from a while ago. It takes balls of steel to actually put something like this on, nonetheless run a race and be photographed in it while wearing spanx under a tutu. Understandably, his wife is nowhere next to him in any of these photos and set a personal track record as she ran like lightning to get away from him. True story, just as many people were cheering “Run Tiffany, Run Away” to her as were cheering “Run Daniel Run” to him.


Now the local media will have Self Magazine this story highlighted as they should, but I wanna start a petition to get this man on The Ellen Show. Don’t worry, he’ll definitely wear the tutu and dance with her – he’s got more rhythm than a young Marlon Jackson crossed with an older Ike Turner! Let’s start a movement with the Eminent Immodium Abuser carrying the torch and leading the charge to get this man the attention he deserves. “Start your yellin’ and get him on Ellen” will be our battle cry!

Actual first date photo of Daniel Day and Tiffany

Actual first date photo of Daniel Day and Tiffany

Share this photo and like this page and then head over to the fitness page he’s managing and like the crap out of it! There’s a lot of useful stuff on there if you’re into learning and all that jazz, but more importantly, there are a LOT of meme’s on there. Him and I once had a rapid fire meme contest and he was shooting them off like a semi-automatic artillery rifle. My little Imodium ads were no match for him – he just had tutu many…

Purvis two

Forget the Mountain, she Brokeback Christmas?

Tis the season…


This time of year always makes me think about the close family and friends that may not be with me in person any longer, but are never far from my heart. That being said, I thought I’d honor the memory of my Aunt Margie in the only way I know how!

She was very special to me and I loved her dearly…If she were still with us, she’d be celebrating a birthday and the holiday this December yet she’d say the story that I really should be sharing is when my Aunt Beanie Vote ruined her Christmas.


The Holiday Season was upon us and it took Aunt Margie weeks and weeks and weeks of looking through many many many stores in order to find the perfect artificial tree and yet mere minutes for Aunt Beanie Vote to crush the woman’s Christmas Cheer. The tree was all assembled and we took a step back to admire it – but it was slightly slanted…

View original post 628 more words


Yesterday was my sister’s birthday and I was going to take her on a trip to Greece, but thought reminding her about this Grease “trip” would make for a better gift! Thank God this happened before the days of camera phones never missing a single moment or I’d be all over YouTube like that furry little cat…

Earlier, I told you about my antics in a college production of Grease and now I’m back with another helping. After getting slimed by Crista like I was on Double Dare, I wasn’t sure it was safe (or sanitary) for me to ever have a part in Grease again. Despite that, I ended up stepping in to direct the official Fat Camp version of Grease with my friend Rhea after the original director hired had an emergency and couldn’t come to camp.

As we were discussing the play over many drinks at lunch, Rhea convinced a more intoxicated version of my regular self that I should be the Teen Angel. Figuring it would be a blast, I forgot for a second that I can’t sing and immediately agreed to it. Who doesn’t love a Beauty School Dropout and, really, does it matter if it sounds good?


View original post 1,388 more words

Senior Spotlight on my younger sister

Since it’s her birthday, I thought I would repost this story about my crazy, funny, silly, thank god her hair grew out when I cut it when we were little sister. Happy Birthday Cray Cray!!!

I was driving back from the supermarket yesterday when I had to pull over to let a fire truck get past me on the way to some emergency and it reminded me of one of the places my sister Marlene used to live in. This ordinarily wouldn’t be noteworthy but, my sister was just 24 years old cohabitating with our crazy 62 year old aunt in an Adult 55-and-over community at the time.

Something is definitely off track when you’re not yet feeling your late-twenties angst but your housemate is collecting Social Security; that’s no longer a roommate situation – it’s a sitcom.

My aunt Wink has shocking red hair, weighs less than most stick figures I’ve drawn, and once upon a fine summer day had to be tucked under my sister-in-law’s arm like a purse and carried out of HER own going-away party. That’s not even the most random thing…

View original post 779 more words