CelebriTuesdays: Roma Downey – Touched by an Imodium Angel!

April 25, 2018April 25, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 8 Comments

As if a heavenly vision on a gorgeous morning, Roma Downey stepped out from her car and she was beaming. She’s one of those people you see that just instantly makes you smile. Some people have that natural “glow” around them very similar to the way my forehead glistens because of the mixture of sweat and how thin my hair is; but she was something else entirely.

It was as if she emerged out of a rainbow because she looked stunning and absolutely could not have been sweeter; she stopped and chatted with every person there while signing autographs and taking pictures with anyone that asked. That’s rare, as most people of some notoriety kinda just rush through to get inside.

I’m not one to tempt the fate of the heavens by talking smack about an actual Angel (or even a Charlie’s Angel for that matter) but does anyone else find it ironic that she produced a miniseries called A.D. The Bible Continues and then afterwards she comes face to face with the Imodium AD king himself? Talk about the universe sending what you’ve asked for! Apparently, the sky’s the limit with Roma!

Told you she glows!

We snapped a picture and I looked at my phone to see how it came out only to find a random woman photo-bombing the picture. I hadn’t seen her when taking it and didn’t even realize the words had come out of my mouth until I heard myself say “Is this woman kidding? What’s wrong with her? Why would she stand there and do that? She’s taking up half the picture.”

With Photo Bomber

Now, a mature adult would have been happy to get any picture at all and just shut the hell up or just crop the damn woman out, but not me. Roma looked at me and the picture and then turned around to the bomber and said in a voice so sweet it was as if it were a slice of pie from Waitress “Honey, move over – he’s trying to take a picture of us.”

Without Photo Bomber

I almost died because the photo-bomber, who I’m pretty sure was her assistant because they went into NBC together after that, then promptly looked at us and stepped aside. Roma turned to me and said “let’s take it again” with a huge smile and then we took a better picture. I was almost too embarrassed to take snap another one since I had acted like such an ass, but who am I to turn-a Downey Roma?? Also, I was afraid the assistant would go all Hong Kong Phooey on me the second Roma turned away.

How nice is she that even when I’m acting like a compete ass and cannot shut my mouth for even a second, she’s still so sweet and kind? She literally is an angel and I’ll hear nothing to the contrary about that from anyone!

CelebriTuesdays: Guys, Coco better set another place for dinner cause I think Ice-T is my new Best Friend!

February 1, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 5 Comments

I’m not one to humble brag, mostly since I’m not really that good at humility, but I cannot believe that I haven’t mentioned Ice-T yet! Lucky for you that current events have now forced me into giving you a special Hump Day treat – another post! It’s sort of like getting a bonus Jonas without the preteen angst or acne.

I have been star gazing (or stalking if you will) for a bit now, but one of the very first times I realized that my daily path to work was paved with Hollywood stars was because of Ice-T! As I was walking to work, there was a bunch of people crowding a car that had just pulled up when all of a sudden, Ice-T got out. It all happened so fast: people were trying to get him to autograph things and asking him to snap photos with them so security got in close to block him and shouted “we have to get him inside right now!” and steered him towards the doorway. Thanks to my ninja stealth reflexes, quick-thinking, and terrifying fear of not getting to meet him – I sprang into action like Black Panther. I got right in between the female security guard that yelled about getting him inside and Ice-T and said loudly “Come on guys, we gotta get him inside!” and then put my arm around him and said “but real quick Ice…” and proceeded to snap a few pictures.

Here’s the one guy in NYC that I’m more tech savvy then. – he’s signing a polaroid picture!

What the hell is he asking him to sign? A frisbee or a paper plate?

He laughed and thought I was funny and said “you’re crazy” and laughed again while we took a few pictures and then he went off into the building for his interview on The Today Show. I merrily shuffled along to work thinking that would be the best part of my day – because seriously, what else could top that? Little did I know…

As is the required by NY State law upon such an occurrence, I posted the pictures to Facebook and I thinking only of my beloved Immodium Abusers in a case like this, I also sent out a tweet or two. I got a bunch of likes which was nice, but then I hit the mother load: Ice-Mother-Effin-T went and liked two of my tweets!!!! He liked two of my tweets!

Of course I saw that notification and then called my wife to share this most joyous of news thinking how over the moon she’d be as well. I immediately went into a ranting diatribe about how excited I was and proceeded to give her a play-by-play and she couldn’t say one word because I was rambling on so much. I started screaming how it was the best day ever (Literally the best day ever!) and tried to explain the latest updates as I had already called her from the corner earlier to tell her about meeting Ice-T. Thinking she’d be a supportive and understanding wife and as excited as I was, you can imagine my surprise by how non-plussed she was.

I was out breath and carrying on like a psycho for the second time that day and I thought we must have gotten disconnected because she wasn’t saying anything at all until she finally asked “How can this be the best day ever? What about the day we met or got engaged or the day we got married or maybe the birth of our three children???” “Honey those were great too, no one is comparing, but he liked two of my tweets – TWO!!! That means he was reading my stuff. That’s so crazy!!! How am I the only one freaking out here?” Now, I’m not saying that the birth of my children wasn’t a notable occasion or that my Wedding wasn’t memorable, but come on – it’s Ice-T. “Honey, did you even read the tweets? They’re really funny and Ice thinks I’m funny too! Did you hear me? Ice thinks I’m funny! He was reading my shit! “Honey, you need to get back to work and leave Ice the hell alone!” And then she was gone. I’m not saying he was overreacting, but have I mentioned that he liked two of the tweets? It wasn’t just a passing chuckle or glance – he went and liked two of them! That night she told me I guess I was lucky that he didn’t retweet them too or I might have actually shit my pants and she might be right on that one!

Now here’s the second tweet he liked:

As f that wasn’t awesome enough, fast forward to November when I was running the NYC Marathon. They set up an app where friends and family could submit pictures or messages to be shown on the jumbotron in Central Park to motivate you in the homestretch of the race. Knowing how busy Ice-T was, I took the liberty of creating and submitting a photo for him because that’s the kind of nice guy I am. During the race, I was really struggling with the pain, more chafing than any man should ever have to endure and the excessive sweating even through the constant rain most of the day. I was partially dead inside from the race, but once I got to Central Park, my mind was blown when low and behold, I looked up at the jumbo tron and there was me and Ice! I had th only reaction one man could have at a time like that and I started screaming and carrying on lie a little girl. There was a random lady running next to me that looked up when I started screaming and then she looked back at me and said “Holy Shit – Are you friends with Ice-T?” Obviously, I was carried away in the heat of the moment, but what else do you call someone who is supporting you through a really hard time in your life but a friend! “Yes he is lady, yes he is!” I think I was actually flying through the rest of Central Park after that because I was definitely on cloud 9.

The shot from the jumbo tron in Central Park.

I don’t even need to go into how cool of a Dad he is, so I’ll just leave it right here that my son LOVES Paw Patrol too – I smell a playdate coming up! Watch him going through cartoon theme songs on The Tonight Show here: Ice-T on Jimmy Fallon singing Paw Patrol Theme song.

Now that we’re up to speed, let me tell you about today. There I was, just minding my business and checking Twitter to see what Ice-T was up to (as friends normally do) and happened to see his Tweet about the Grammy loss for BodyCount:

Now what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say something? A bad one, you’re right. So I sent him a tweet – WHICH HE LIKED AGAIN!!!

That makes three likes! BOOM! Now – we’ve passed the Friend Zone and are entering Bestie territory. Time to grab drinks and catch up! And tell Ice Cube not to front – there’s enough room for everyone!

CelebriTuesdays: Dreamgirls Edition – Sheryl Lee Ralph & Anika Noni Rose!

January 18, 2018January 18, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 5 Comments

It wasn’t a Dream when I saw these Girls! In December, I saw the star of the Broadway version of Dreamgirls – Sheryl Lee Ralph – and today I saw the Dreamgirls star from the movie version – Anika Noni Rose. As lucky as that is, even better was the fact that both pictures came out great!

Normally, I’d be making a weird face in these pictures because I’m a fool that thinks these wonderful performers are just waiting for me to waltz on up and serenade them. The story would have been a whole lot more interesting had I strutted over purring “It’s more than you. It is more than me. No matter what we are, we are a family…” but my wife has finally got it through my thick skull after all these years that no one (and she really stressed the words as she said it) NO ONE wants to hear me sing. Lesson learned, because when I tried to explain that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, she informed me that my singing is actually mutilation, not imitation. The last time I tried to sing for my wife was New Year’s Eve 2001 when I drunkenly convinced the band that I was actually a lounge singer and would love to serenade the love of my life for the crowd. They somehow believed that nonsense and thought it was really romantic until they saw the sea of about 200 blank stares looking up at me as I mangled the first verse of “If You Say My Eyes are Beautiful.” That’s when they abruptly ripped the microphone out of my hand and said “why don’t you guys dance instead of singing” which elicited thunderous applause from the crowd for some reason. True artists are often misunderstood, but in retrospect – maybe a Whitney Houston love Duet wasn’t the right choice for my vocal range. Either way, my wife has instructed me to never, ever, ever sing in public again so the Dreamgirls were spared my Effie imitations…

When I saw Sheryl Lee Ralph, she was taking pictures of the huge Christmas Tree in the lobby and I felt bad bothering her. She was really trying to get the perfect shot and must have taken ten pictures. Similar to me, the Christmas Tree was overgrown and much too wide to fit in most standard camera frames – so I don’t blame her for trying to get the right angle. . . Since she was so fantastic as Claudette on Ray Donovan, I was dying to ask what Jon Voight is really like and then I wanted to ask her about the anniversary revival of Thoroughly Modern Millie they’re doing, but she was really fixated on getting that shot of the tree. Practice makes perfect because her shots came out great – these are taken from her Instagram:

She was very cool, kind, and patient with me and also with the Christmas Tree, so I stopped myself from asking to try that fur coat on (I know I don’t need to remind you how good I look in fur)!

When I saw the other Dreamgirl, Anika Noni Rose, she was hobbling around in a walking cast yet still took time to stop and take pictures with everyone. She was such a sweetheart and as a person that’s broken the same ankle two years in a row on the same exact day (both alcohol related), I can tell you how hard it is to get around. For her to stop, chat, and take pictures while she was obviously uncomfortable was seriously awesome and much appreciated!

Anika is a Broadway veteran who snared the Tony Award for Caroline or Change, but was also in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, A Raisin in the Sun, and the movie version of Dreamgirls with an up-and-comer named Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson. She also made history as Tiana, Disney’s first Black princess, in The Princess and the Frog to the delight of kids everywhere.

I’m on a Dreamgirls roll here and don’t worry, I’ve started walking around with one shoelace untied for when I see Jennifer Hudson and need to get it off quick; J-HUD throwing a shoe! Hey J-HUD – Forget The Voice and let’s get a date on the calendar to meet up: I’ll bring and share my imodium and you bring and share your Oscar and extra shoes!

CelebriTuesdays: I almost Kimmy Schmidt my pants when I saw them filming!

January 11, 2018January 11, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

As I was walking to work, I passed by a ton of extras and a big camera crew, so I stopped to see what was going on when low and behold, they were filming Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt! Obviously, I normally stalk and get pictures with stars, but this was a totally unexpected surprise like when you find lint in your belly button. You don’t know how it got there, but all of a sudden – poof, it’s there and you smile at the wonders of the universe.

They were filming a scene with Josh Charles and it was burning up inside me not to be able to shout out about the elephant in the room: Josh Charles is basically me with hair. Toss a rug on my noggin and you’d see non-stop camera flashes all over the place. They were filming a scene where his character gets arrested and of course I was stalking as close as I could, when he saw me and walked over and said “What’s up man” then shook my hand. How awesome is he? Such a cool dude and really nice too. I’m sure he only came over because looking at me must have been like looking right in the mirror since he wasn’t doing that to everyone. It took everything inside me not to ask for a quick selfie, but they were in the middle of filming the scene and even I’m not that much of a jerk to interrupt their shooting; besides, I did get a few pictures and videos of him anyway.

Here’s a video of Josh on the set!

Long-lost-brothers? Click here for another Josh Charles video from the set

I watched for a while and then went to work and told my friend Teenie about the filming when I saw her later on. She loves Josh Charles so it only took about three seconds before we grabbed our coats and were back to the set for visit number two. By this time, they’d moved on and were now filming Jane Krakowski steps away from where we were standing and Josh was nowhere to be seen. Since I’d already seen him and love me some Krakowski, I was happy and trying to be nonchalant and point Jane out. She didn’t see her and I tried to be subtle and whisper “There’s Jane…There’s Jane…There’s Jane…” and nodding my head to point her out, but she wasn’t getting the hint. I would’ve had a better shot getting through to Sally Hawkins mute Janitor from The Shape of Water than get through to Teenie as she looked around confused as to where I meant. It was like the blind leading the blind-folded, and finally, I was like “She’s right there” and pointed. Once again, part of me wanted to rush her and snap a pic, but the rules of decency and common sense prevailed so we just creepily took about forty pictures of her filming. I know it is so unlike me to show restraint, but I can sometimes control myself.

After watching for a while, we went back to work satisfied that I got another celebrity fix and I did what every little Yenta does – alerted Facebook to my activities. Obviously, if it isn’t on Facebook – it didn’t really happen so who was I to withhold? Shortly after posting, my cousin Lloyd (not Lloyd Garmadon from Ninjago, although it would be really cool if we were related) saw my post and let me know that his daughter (my second cousin) was actually working on the set in Craft Services. She was on the set! Let’s digest this and stop the presses, shall we: Lloyd, you kinda buried the lead. Why did I find out such important information after the fact? I don’t wanna put you on the spot or make you feel bad, but you know I’m a stalker – get your head in the game!

My cousin Lloyd

Obviously, it would have been rude of me to stay at work and just go about my business as if I didn’t know that someone in my family (my blood for God’s sake!) was right down the street. Who was I to not go and say Hi – I’m not a rude person. On the flip side, my wife was not really being very supportive when I shared this surprising familial reunion news with her: “Do not go to that set again! Go back to work and stop it with that set! You’re gonna get arrested and do not get that girl in trouble – she’s working! Leave Josh Charles alone – You do not look like him and they’re gonna Kick the Kimmy Schmidt out of you if you go back there!” (Ok, so she didn’t really say that last part, but I’m pretty sure she was thinking it – Haters Gonna Hate and all that.)

Ok guys, you when your wife tells you something that makes sense and sounds like the right thing to do, you listen and think it over and then you do what you’re told. It’s serious and they mean business…and I’d say normally that’s true, but when they’re filming a TV show you like down the street – all bets are off. And it was at that very moment that I just so happened to realize that I needed Breath Savers from Duane Reade, which just happened to also be down the street near where they’re filming. More importantly, family is more important than anything. Granted, I had never met this cousin and didn’t know what she looked like and more importantly, I really didn’t want to get her fired or scare her just because I’m a lunatic. So I did one more pass by the set and treaded lightly so as not to arouse suspicion or security personnel and it’s a good thing I did!

I didn’t see my cousin, once again, it’s hard to identify someone you’ve literally never seen and don’t know what she looks like except that she’s wearing a sweater and jeans. (That narrows it down, it’s a movie set – everyone’s wearing a sweater and jeans.) So we didn’t see her, but we did get to see Sheri Foster, who plays Krakowski’s mother Fern on the show. Teenie didn’t want to bother her and I was like “What? We can definitely bother her – she’ll love it!” And, she did. She was so cool and sweet and very gracious chatting it up and snapping a few pics with us.

So the message we learn in this episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is that family come first! If you’re stalking and your kin is steps away from the action – they need to let someone know! That’s the only useful feature of Facebook: I don’t wanna see your kid’s baseball pictures or cat memes or hear how hard work is today – Keep it real and let me know stalker updates or I’m going to have to unfriend you!

CelebriTuesdays: Hey Ryan, Leggo my Eggold!

December 5, 2017December 5, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Since they just killed him off on The Blacklist, I thought I’d pay tribute to Tom Keen himself, Ryan Eggold.

He was appearing on The Today Show and couldn’t have been cooler. He stopped to take pictures, sign autographs, and chat it up with everyone. Just a regular everyman who happens to be a TV star.

As he was chatting it up with some fans, I couldn’t help but wonder if killing his character off is payback for last year’s terrible spinoff show Blacklist:Redemption, but why would they bring him back after being off on that train-wreck offshoot just to kill him a few episodes later? It’s not his fault the show was so bad – even John Locke from Lost couldn’t make it watchable!

I’m really not concerned about his death as I probably should be; didn’t they just kill his wife Liz off last year only to bring her back from the dead a few weeks later? We’ll see Tom again as sure as Dembe will nod along giving Red a furtive glance while watching him waxing poetic about a shop girl paramour off the Amalfi coast many moons ago. Dead never means dead for good on shows anymore; I grew up watching the Phoenix himself (Stefano Dimera on Days of our Lives) annually rising back from the ashes. Fear not Eggheads – he’ll be back someday!

CelebriTuesdays: Jenna Fischer Ouch! Did Pam from The Office just Crouch?

November 15, 2017November 15, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 10 Comments

Jenna Fischer has a new book out called The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide; it’s about hard work and struggling for years and years until she finally fulfilled her dream and came face to face with the one and only Immodium Abuser! Or it’s about the years of rejection and hardship before she finally made it as an actor in Hollywood – either way a dream was fulfilled….

It was a chilly New York day, until she walked out the door and it was like the sun came out. The door opened and along came Jenna smiling and genuinely surprised to see people waiting for her. Sweet and accommodating, she could not have been nicer – just like when she played Pam on The Office!

Vertical profiling in full effect! Any guess which one I’m forced to use unless I want to commit Testicular Manslaughter and find my balls resting on the ice cold ceramic ledge.

She came right over and happily snapped a few pictures. When it was my turn for a pic, I walked over and stood side by side with her when all of a sudden she crouched down. It was subtle, quick and stealth, but it was a crouch nonetheless. She crouched on me!

“Did you just crouch down because I’m short?” I gently asked so as not to distract myself and contort my face into an odd position like I usually do for selfies…

“No, I did it because I’m cold…” she replied politely and smiled.

Such a gentle smile, but behind that innocent little grin was the cold hard truth: I was just vertically profiled. Who crouches when they’re cold? Now I’m not one to quibble as she’s awesome and didn’t have to stop at all. I’m a big fan of hers, but I can’t help but focus on the crouch. I’ve been pouring over these pictures all afternoon with the same forensic attention to detail as if it were the Zapruder film – and there’s definitely a crouch at play here. I’m not paranoid and it’s not a big deal, but let’s call a spade a spade: she vertically profiled me! I think when you compare the photos one by one, it proves she crouched. You can see her hips swing out and her ever so gently lowering her body and noggin to be more level with mine…She’s obviously a pro!

I didn’t even realize Jenna was in this film…

Don’t get me wrong – I appreciate the crouch as it put me on equal footing AND gave me a good picture that I don’t look short in! Granted I’m an inch taller than her, so I should have definitely looked it, but let’s not quibble or unfairly mention the amount of hair she has on her head which gives her some volume compared to my head that looks like a cross between the cartoon character Doug with a Charlie Brown coif!

I know that I always seem to drone on about how short I look, but it’s usually all in my head, not the other way around. Except for Taylor Hicks, it’s always just me thinking I’m the short one – not them. Do you have any idea what it’s like to constantly be the shortest man in the room? People treat you differently when they have to glance down to make eye contact. I haven’t had this bright shorty spotlight shined on me this hard since that Sales Meeting when one of the attendees actually picked me up and gently placed me on the credenza so that I could see the presentation better. I did appreciate it as it afforded a better view, but come on – we need to stop the proliferation of vertical profiling in this country and give all the little people some respect too. Short people have feelings too. My new nickname should be Croucho Marx after this.

Just call me Croucho!

Now that I got that out of my system, I’ll let it go until the next person that I’m a big fan and cannot wait to read her book, but seriously Jenna – call me for a reshoot and no crouching next time. I think the only solution here is to have a reshoot where you stand as tall as you can while I wear my big boy shoes and stand up straight. Sounds like a plan to me! What do you think: Crouch or no Crouch?

On the way down…

Definitely Crouching here. Use the green windows behind my left shoulder to gauge our cranial placement and look how she leans out to even the height different – she’s a pro!

And now she’s back up to regular size!

Suh-Mash update: Hi Kai, Why oh why did you kill that guy?

May 17, 2013 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

I saw this and couldn’t help but update you on our favorite misunderstood hero. In case you missed it, here’s the original post:

https://immodiumabuser.com/2013/04/16/my-brother-was-on-the-news/

It’s not a Village People concert, but grab your ax and start the “Free Kai” chants now!!! This story with him gets so much wilder the more we hear about him. Since he is innocent until proven guilty or admits that he smash, smash, SMASHED Jesus with a tomahawk again– I’ll reserve judgement.

Here’s the latest story about his arrest:

http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/16/justice/new-jersey-hitchhiker-murder-charge/index.html?hpt=hp_c3

Thoughts?

My brother was on the news???

April 16, 2013April 16, 2013 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 7 Comments

Forget what’s on NBC – this is the only Smash you should be watching! If you miraculously grew his hair back and slapped a peace sign du-rag on that noggin – this could have been my brother Anthony. It sounds like I’m kidding, but I’m not. And the cursing? My brother has had more F-Bombs in and out of his mouth than most porn stars!

Randomly, the first thing I thought of when I saw this video was my brother retelling us a story about driving his friend Matt home one night when the guy started screaming like a little girl on the verge of tears and him laughing hysterically. What Anthony omitted from the story was that Matt was screaming because the pickup had picked up all right: he was screaming because it was going about 95 mph and was now airborne over the railroad tracks, thus the screaming. Similar to the hitchhiker in the video below, Matt was about to meet Jesus.

My brother before he needed Rogaine…

Back to the reason we’re here – look at this video:

http://firsttoknow.com/hitchhiker-gives-greatest-interview-ever-after-saving-woman-from-being-smothered/?utm_campaign=hitchhiker-gives-greates-21734&utm_source=o_tw

I’m not sure what it is with me and these man on the street interviews lately, but I do get a kick out of them. I love that Kai starts out with a Dr. Phil type motivational message “you’re lovable and worthwhile…” before telling us what happened when he used his hatchet to save that woman. The guy’s a straight-up hero, should be a part of Oprah’s Angel network AND the streets are a whole lot safer because of Kai and his super-powered du-rag!

One can only hope that if I’m ever being smothered by a reincarnated Jesus Christ that a Good Samaritan like this comes along straight outta Dogtown and lends a hand – or a hatchet – for me! Smash, Smash, SMAAASH!!!

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