Taron gave me a lot of Eger-tention today!

kim jong fun


You never know what people will like as you’re writing it; I’ve written things that I think are hysterical and gotten no response whatsoever but, today, I’ve gotten more love and page views than any other since I started this site in March of 2010. My CelebriTuesdays post on Taron Egerton was a hit I guess. I’d like to thank my loyal Immodium Abusers around the world like Annie Smack that Fannie, AJ, Don, Steve, and today especially, I want to thank all my South Korean Peeps! What up to all you crazy little souls out there in Seoul?



Today alone, there were almost 100 South Korean views – I’m assuming it’s the North Koreans rushing the border to get on non-restricted internet to sign up for my posts. Mention one little Fatwa from Kim Jong Un, and all of a sudden peeps are hopping the border to come check me out. Obviously, if I go missing tomorrow, someone should immediately call the Secret Service, but I’m seriously considering calling President Trump and offering my talents to replace Dennis Rodman as the new Peace Ambassador. I bet we can settle this nuke dispute over a few of my crazy stories and a couple of Imodium tabs? Sing it with me: “All we are say-ing, is give Imodium a Chance!”




Most of my readers usually come from The United States, but today I was all over the globe: over 100 views each from Japan and The United Kingdom, but I see you peeps out there in Bangladesh, Serbia, and South Africa reading me too. I’m ready for my world tour like Eva Peron!




I can see the search terms people are looking for when they stumble upon this little site and the top two are usually rugby bulges thanks to my crazy friend Weezy and Mywifesmom.com thanks to my mother-in-law! Obviously, I’m not writing rugby or in-law porn, at least not yet (you can never say never), but my crazy little stories attract all sorts and show up in the craziest of places. Every once in a while,  I try to see how people reading my stuff found me and you can forget about rugby bulges and dirty pictures with my wife’s mom, I should have been writing about Taron Egerton all this time…



Still, that doesn’t explain my South Korean surge today, but I’ll take it. Years from now, we’ll probably find out I’m the Searching for Sugarman of South Korea! If you’re one of those crazy folks in Bulgaria searching for rugby bulges and this site shows up – you are certainly in for an unexpected treat! Obviously, I have a little work to do to up my anemic fan base in New Zealand, but come on – they’re still holding a grudge against me because I didn’t like the Lord of the Rings movies – you gotta let it go like Elsa, you crazy Kiwis!



Apparently, Taron Egerton doesn’t just play an international superstar in the movies – he really is. Separate from the people that liked and retweeted my original post, @DailyTaronNews retweeted me twice and then sent out my link to score me all kinds of love and over 115 likes – thanks guys! They’re the most up to date daily Twitter source for all things Taron and they obviously have great taste – Go follow them!


kingsman poster


Obviously, the next logical step is to have me play Friar Tuck opposite Taron’s Robin Hood…Let’s make it happen people because if you keep giving me this kind of affection – this site might turn into Full-time Taron Fan Fiction! While you’re here – follow the site so you never miss an update!




True Confession – I made a senior citizen shit her pants!

It’s not something I’m extremely proud of, but I once made my 75 year old Aunt Margie shit her pants! Shortly after eating lunch, there was a rumble in the jungle going on in my stomach and like Madonna said – I needed to Express Myself. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one straddled with a quick-hitter after lunch, because while my sphincter was rocking, my Aunt Margie came A-knocking. She was at the bathroom door asking me if I was almost done and her voice was kind of shaky – but at 75 it was always shaky and she never came back so I didn’t give it a second thought. Big mistake on her part.  

This is not a Knock Knock joke

She unfortunately found out that a senior citizen shitting her pants in the hallway and then trying to quietly change out of those soiled undies with the five other people in your small two bedroom apartment not finding out is next to impossible. Of course, as is the case with anything potentially embarrassing or delicate – no one told me what had happened. I came out and didn’t pay it any mind when she rushed past me into the bathroom.


I was sitting on the porch with my mother, sister, and grandmother when Aunt Margie finished in there. As a point of reference, my grandmother was not one you would ever describe as a “sugar coater,” so it really was only a matter of time before I found out. We were about to head off to the mall when she suggested that Aunt Margie come along with us and she passed.


“Why aren’t you going? You said you had a few things you needed?” my grandmother asked her.


No response from my Aunt Margie, but my grandmother was not one to let that be it.


My grandmother (nudging her on) “Why don’t you go with them? It’ll be good for you to get out of the house for a while.”


Poor Aunt Margie never could catch a break with my grandmother and grunted back “You know that I can’t go out of the house since I had my accident – I can’t go to the store right now!” that shut her right up and dead silence took over because everyone knew what she was talking about except for me.


A normal person would have let it go – but this is me we’re talking about. I said “What are you talking about, what happened? What accident? Come with us…” With that, my sister gave me that knowing glance that speaks volumes without the need to utter a sound. As if it was a telepathic message between us, I understood: Aunt Margie shit her pants. The problem was that I was immature and once I realized the context of her “accident”, I burst into an uncontrollable fit of hysterical laughter. When you see something like that in the movies, everyone in the crowd usually joins in on the laughter and the moment passes by…Not that day. Not a word, not a sound – just me laughing as my poor Aunt Margie crept back into the house. My mother actually made me go sit in the car by myself while she followed in to apologize for my behavior (an act she was quite used to, by the way).


My Aunt didn’t appreciate my inappropriate laughter that day as much as she didn’t appreciate it the day that she was telling me about her ill-advised lunch trip to McDonald’s. She went with my cousin Tina and proceeded to down a nine piece when she suddenly choked on a nugget, forcing Tina to perform the Heimlich on her. It wouldn’t have been as bad if she hadn’t projectile vomited in the middle of that McDonald’s or brought the rest of the McNuggets home and offered them to me as she told me what had happened. I’m not one to preach – but let’s send a safety message to seniors everywhere: if you have no teeth and insist on getting McNuggets – either cut them or gnaw them with your gums before you try swallowing it whole!          


Aunt Margie didn’t hold a grudge about the spilled fudge and we moved past it, but I did feel really bad despite my case of the inappropriate giggles. In my defense, A) I’m immature and someone shitting their pants is funny and B) I was always taught that if it’s an emergency and you gotta go – You keep banging on that door or sit on their lap if they won’t move because when the fuse is lit and it’s gonna go off – Every second counts!  You cannot leave things like that to chance or depend on the kindness of a dipstick seventeen year old ADD moron reading People magazine!