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CelebriTuesdays: Guys, Coco better set another place for dinner cause I think Ice-T is my new Best Friend!

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ICE T alone

 

I’m not one to humble brag, mostly since I’m not really that good at humility, but I cannot believe that I haven’t mentioned Ice-T yet! Lucky for you that current events have now forced me into giving you a special Hump Day treat – another post! It’s sort of like getting a bonus Jonas without the preteen angst or acne.

 

hump day treat.gif

 

I have been star gazing (or stalking if you will) for a bit now, but one of the very first times I realized that my daily path to work was paved with Hollywood stars was because of Ice-T! As I was walking to work, there was a bunch of people crowding a car that had just pulled up when all of a sudden, Ice-T got out. It all happened so fast: people were trying to get him to autograph things and asking him to snap photos with them so security got in close to block him and shouted “we have to get him inside right now!” and steered him towards the doorway. Thanks to my ninja stealth reflexes, quick-thinking, and terrifying fear of not getting to meet him – I sprang into action like Black Panther. I got right in between the female security guard that yelled about getting him inside and Ice-T and said loudly “Come on guys, we gotta get him inside!” and then put my arm around him and said “but real quick Ice…” and proceeded to snap a few pictures.

Here’s the one guy in NYC that I’m more tech savvy then. – he’s signing a polaroid picture!
What the hell is he asking him to sign? A frisbee or a paper plate?

 

He laughed and thought I was funny and said “you’re crazy” and laughed again while we took a few pictures and then he went off into the building for his interview on The Today Show. I merrily shuffled along to work thinking that would be the best part of my day – because seriously, what else could top that? Little did I know…

 

 

As is the required by NY State law upon such an occurrence, I posted the pictures to Facebook and I thinking only of my beloved Immodium Abusers in a case like this, I also sent out a tweet or two. I got a bunch of likes which was nice, but then I hit the mother load: Ice-Mother-Effin-T went and liked two of my tweets!!!! He liked two of my tweets!

 

 

Of course I saw that notification and then called my wife to share this most joyous of news thinking how over the moon she’d be as well. I immediately went into a ranting diatribe about how excited I was and proceeded to give her a play-by-play and she couldn’t say one word because I was rambling on so much. I started screaming how it was the best day ever (Literally the best day ever!) and tried to explain the latest updates as I had already called her from the corner earlier to tell her about meeting Ice-T. Thinking she’d be a supportive and understanding wife and as excited as I was, you can imagine my surprise by how non-plussed she was.

 

best day ever

 

I was out breath and carrying on like a psycho for the second time that day and I thought we must have gotten disconnected because she wasn’t saying anything at all until she finally asked “How can this be the best day ever? What about the day we met or got engaged or the day we got married or maybe the birth of our three children???” “Honey those were great too, no one is comparing, but he liked two of my tweets – TWO!!! That means he was reading my stuff. That’s so crazy!!!  How am I the only one freaking out here?” Now, I’m not saying that the birth of my children wasn’t a notable occasion or that my Wedding wasn’t memorable, but come on – it’s Ice-T. “Honey, did you even read the tweets? They’re really funny and Ice thinks I’m funny too! Did you hear me? Ice thinks I’m funny! He was reading my shit! “Honey, you need to get back to work and leave Ice the hell alone!” And then she was gone. I’m not saying he was overreacting, but have I mentioned that he liked two of the tweets? It wasn’t just a passing chuckle or glance – he went and liked two of them! That night she told me I guess I was lucky that he didn’t retweet them too or I might have actually shit my pants and she might be right on that one!

 

Ice first tweet he liked

 

Now here’s the second tweet he liked:

 

Ice 2nd tweet he liked

 

As f that wasn’t awesome enough, fast forward to November when I was running the NYC Marathon. They set up an app where friends and family could submit pictures or messages to be shown on the jumbotron in Central Park to motivate you in the homestretch of the race. Knowing how busy Ice-T was, I took the liberty of creating and submitting a photo for him because that’s the kind of nice guy I am. During the race, I was really struggling with the pain, more chafing than any man should ever have to endure and the excessive sweating even through the constant rain most of the day. I was partially dead inside from the race, but once I got to Central Park, my mind was blown when low and behold, I looked up at the jumbo tron and there was me and Ice! I had th only reaction one man could have at a time like that and I started screaming and carrying on lie a little girl. There was a random lady running next to me that looked up when I started screaming and then she looked back at me and said “Holy Shit – Are you friends with Ice-T?” Obviously, I was carried away in the heat of the moment, but what else do you call someone who is supporting you through a really hard time in your life but a friend! “Yes he is lady, yes he is!” I think I was actually flying through the rest of Central Park after that because I was definitely on cloud 9.

 

 

Marathon

The shot from the jumbo tron in Central Park.

 

 

I don’t even need to go into how cool of a Dad he is, so I’ll just leave it right here that my son LOVES Paw Patrol too – I smell a playdate coming up! Watch him going through cartoon theme songs on The Tonight Show here: Ice-T on Jimmy Fallon singing Paw Patrol Theme song.

 

paw patrol

 

Now that we’re up to speed, let me tell you about today. There I was, just minding my business and checking Twitter to see what Ice-T was up to (as friends normally do) and happened to see his Tweet about the Grammy loss for BodyCount:

 

ice today tweet

 

Now what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say something? A bad one, you’re right. So I sent him a tweet – WHICH HE LIKED AGAIN!!!

 

today tweet.png

 

 

That makes three likes! BOOM! Now – we’ve passed the Friend Zone and are entering Bestie territory. Time to grab drinks and catch up! And tell Ice Cube not to front – there’s enough room for everyone!

 

ice tea and cube

CelebriTuesdays: I almost Kimmy Schmidt my pants when I saw them filming!

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kimmy logo 2

 

As I was walking to work, I passed by a ton of extras and a big camera crew, so I stopped to see what was going on when low and behold, they were filming Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt! Obviously, I normally stalk and get pictures with stars, but this was a totally unexpected surprise like when you find lint in your belly button. You don’t know how it got there, but all of a sudden – poof, it’s there and you smile at the wonders of the universe.

 

belly button lint brush

 

They were filming a scene with Josh Charles and it was burning up inside me not to be able to shout out about the elephant in the room: Josh Charles is basically me with hair. Toss a rug on my noggin and you’d see non-stop camera flashes all over the place. They were filming a scene where his character gets arrested and of course I was stalking as close as I could, when he saw me and walked over and said “What’s up man” then shook my hand. How awesome is he? Such a cool dude and really nice too. I’m sure he only came over because looking at me must have been like looking right in the mirror since he wasn’t doing that to everyone. It took everything inside me not to ask for a quick selfie, but they were in the middle of filming the scene and even I’m not that much of a jerk to interrupt their shooting; besides, I did get a few pictures and videos of him anyway.

Here’s a video of Josh on the set!

 

Long-lost-brothers? Click here for another Josh Charles video from the set

 

JOSH PIC

 

I watched for a while and then went to work and told my friend Teenie about the filming when I saw her later on. She loves Josh Charles so it only took about three seconds before we grabbed our coats and were back to the set for visit number two. By this time, they’d moved on and were now filming Jane Krakowski steps away from where we were standing and Josh was nowhere to be seen. Since I’d already seen him and love me some Krakowski, I was happy and trying to be nonchalant and point Jane out. She didn’t see her and I tried to be subtle and whisper “There’s Jane…There’s Jane…There’s Jane…” and nodding my head to point her out, but she wasn’t getting the hint. I would’ve had a better shot getting through to Sally Hawkins mute Janitor from The Shape of Water than get through to Teenie as she looked around confused as to where I meant. It was like the blind leading the blind-folded, and finally, I was like “She’s right there” and pointed. Once again, part of me wanted to rush her and snap a pic, but the rules of decency and common sense prevailed so we just creepily took about forty pictures of her filming. I know it is so unlike me to show restraint, but I can sometimes control myself.

 

 

After watching for a while, we went back to work satisfied that I got another celebrity fix and I did what every little Yenta does – alerted Facebook to my activities. Obviously, if it isn’t on Facebook – it didn’t really happen so who was I to withhold? Shortly after posting, my cousin Lloyd (not Lloyd Garmadon from Ninjago, although it would be really cool if we were related) saw my post and let me know that his daughter (my second cousin) was actually working on the set in Craft Services. She was on the set! Let’s digest this and stop the presses, shall we: Lloyd, you kinda buried the lead. Why did I find out such important information after the fact? I don’t wanna put you on the spot or make you feel bad, but you know I’m a stalker – get your head in the game!

 

 

garmadon.jpg

My cousin Lloyd

 

 

Obviously, it would have been rude of me to stay at work and just go about my business as if I didn’t know that someone in my family (my blood for God’s sake!) was right down the street. Who was I to not go and say Hi – I’m not a rude person. On the flip side, my wife was not really being very supportive when I shared this surprising familial reunion news with her: “Do not go to that set again! Go back to work and stop it with that set! You’re gonna get arrested and do not get that girl in trouble – she’s working! Leave Josh Charles alone – You do not look like him and they’re gonna Kick the Kimmy Schmidt out of you if you go back there!” (Ok, so she didn’t really say that last part, but I’m pretty sure she was thinking it – Haters Gonna Hate and all that.)

 

titus candle

 

Ok guys, you when your wife tells you something that makes sense and sounds like the right thing to do, you listen and think it over and then you do what you’re told. It’s serious and they mean business…and I’d say normally that’s true, but when they’re filming a TV show you like down the street – all bets are off. And it was at that very moment that I just so happened to realize that I needed Breath Savers from Duane Reade, which just happened to also be down the street near where they’re filming. More importantly, family is more important than anything. Granted, I had never met this cousin and didn’t know what she looked like and more importantly, I really didn’t want to get her fired or scare her just because I’m a lunatic. So I did one more pass by the set and treaded lightly so as not to arouse suspicion or security personnel and it’s a good thing I did!

 

y-u-no-listen-to-your-wife

 

I didn’t see my cousin, once again, it’s hard to identify someone you’ve literally never seen and don’t know what she looks like except that she’s wearing a sweater and jeans. (That narrows it down, it’s a movie set – everyone’s wearing a sweater and jeans.) So we didn’t see her, but we did get to see Sheri Foster, who plays Krakowski’s mother Fern on the show. Teenie didn’t want to bother her and I was like “What? We can definitely bother her – she’ll love it!” And, she did. She was so cool and sweet and very gracious chatting it up and snapping a few pics with us.

 

Sheri

 

So the message we learn in this episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is that family come first! If you’re stalking and your kin is steps away from the action – they need to let someone know! That’s the only useful feature of Facebook: I don’t wanna see your kid’s baseball pictures or cat memes or hear how hard work is today – Keep it real and let me know stalker updates or I’m going to have to unfriend you!

 

kimmy logo

 

I WAS ON THE SET OF STAR WARS EPISODE VII!!!

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Star Wars Logo

 

Spoiler Alert: This post contains crucial plot points and unauthorized photos from Star Wars Episode VII set. I did promise JJ Abrams that I wouldn’t tell anyone, but I can’t hold it in anymore – Sorry JJ.

JJABRAMS SET

Here’s a picture of me and a storm trooper:

Me and Stormtrooper

And here’s a shot of my son test driving a Rebel Tie Fighter:

My son in an x wing fighterxfighterMockup of the set

OK, OK…so maybe that’s not really a picture of my son in an actual Rebel Tie Fighter and I wasn’t on the Star Wars set per se…but it is me with a storm trooper – he just happens to be patrolling the Boardwalk of Ocean City, not the Forest of Endor!

Storm_Trooper_pooping

Now that I have your attention, I wanted to remind you that I’ll be running the NYC Marathon on Sunday November 2nd! Now you’re smiling and thinking “Wow, that’s great! Run Forrest Run!” But I’m not that selfish and this isn’t all just about me – Here’s where you come in: The only way I could get a spot was by fund-raising so this is my not-so-subtle pitch for assistance because I’m way off from my goal. If I don’t reach my fundraising goal by next week, I’ll have to pay for it myself and will, unfortunately, be forced to resort to selling one or more of my kids to do so…Do you want that on your conscience? Remember kids – it takes a village.

Attention

The way I see it, you have three options:

1: Go and donate now – you don’t have a dollar for a great cause? No amount is too small and every donation makes such an impact.

2: Like this and share it on your facebook/twitter/Instagram/tumbler/blender/coffeepot/hashtag/sunburn/earlobe – or on whatever social media outlets you’re using! Share it and spread the word Yenta!

3: You need a third option? Those two weren’t enough? Now you need a third option? Go back to option one and donate!

I’m running with Team for Kids and it’s actually a really great Organization that brings free running programs and wellness events to schools and neighborhoods. Their youth programs already serve more than 200,000 children in hundreds of underserved schools and community centers; the fundraising helps to increase the reach and impact on the kids who need it most.

team for kids

Running the Marathon last year was such a life-changing experience for me so to be able to do it again and give back in the process is amazing! All the money goes towards the kids and the programs they run, so you really are helping to make a huge difference! I was originally going to fundraise for a new toupee, but this isn’t about me guys – its for the kids and will do just as much good for the world than me with a new set of locks.

nyc marathon logo

For those that would like to come out and cheer on Race Day while I hammer through all 26.2 miles with a smile and enough Imodium AD pumping through my veins to stock a small country it’ll be quite a show! 🙂 For those that can’t make it, I’ll expect a ton of positive energy and prayers that I can stay upright on two feet for the duration of the race!

Here’s the link if you’re so inclined – please help if you’re able – every little bit will go a long way and a lot of little bits make a huge difference! Every dollar raised helps the kids, so any amount is appreciated!

http://www.runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

Donate today – the deadline is less than a week away!

Thanks,

Three Quick Things: KAPOOYAH!!! KAPOOYAH!!!

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Three Quick Things!!!
 KAPOOYAH – KAPOOYAH!!!

Three Things

1. Everyone knows I love me some Glozell and would “get me a cold pop” with Sweet Brown any day of the week – but Michelle Clark is my absolute new favorite baby girl! Words cannot accurately describe this, but suffice it to say that the new way to fame is not won on The Voice or American Idol, but local newscasts gone viral! And for those fitness fanatics looking for a good beat to run to at the gym, here’s the autotune remix now available on ITunes!!!

Glozell

2. An Oklahoma woman was arrested for trying to sell her kids on Facebook : Come on Misty! Everyone knows you do that on Craigslist, not Facebook!!!  

3. I have picked up a ton of new followers lately and they’re getting really heavy. While I put them down and rest for a moment, I wanted to highlight one that thinks my blog is “twisted and hilarious” which proves that he is obviously very smart. Peter Ellis wrote a post about possible memoir titles and hasn’t received a lot of appreciation for it which is a shameful oversight on so many levels. Click Here and let him know what you think of it. I might actually use number nine if I ever publish my memoirs!!! Well done Sir!!!

cold pop

If they see this face, they’ll never book!!! Why I’m not using Facebook with my clients

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I am one of the few, the proud – The Facebook haters. I tried to ignore it for so long, but I have finally given in and now have a Facebook page. I do it only to get people to read my website blog, but I hate, hate, hate it. I definitely have the face for radio so I do not need any prospective clients to see me online because If they see this face – they’ll never book!   

I think that at the heart of it, I just don’t get Facebook. I’m a mid-thirties guy that feels like I’m up on what’s current – but I just can’t see the point. It’s supposed to be “The Great Connector” bringing everyone together, but how?

We see the value of face-to-face meetings over anything else every day, but with Facebook you’ll never actually have to be face-to-face with anyone again. You can put up a picture, write on their wall, poke a friend – whatever the hell that means or is good for, but that’s the extent of your relationship. You will never call them again or have to ask about anyone’s family because you can see their pictures and read all about their vacations on their wall. It virtually eliminates the need for telephone calls, letters, or (God Forbid) in-person visits. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think that stinks. For my birthday, I want the people that care about me to actually remember the date on their own, put a little thought into it, and then pick out and send me an actual greeting card for my birthday. And send it In the Real Mail!  

We have turned into a sad ADD, quick-post society and forgot about the basics. We fall into these 140 character short message people that cannot process a simple conversation. Blackberries and IPhones (The new dirty mistress of many corporate professionals) are a separate story entirely. We are held hostage and feel like we need to post our every mood and move or check our wall and hear about the newest Facebook apps. If you’re not a manic Facebook Frequent poster, than you definitely know someone that is.

Also, what’s with the incomplete, cryptic messages like “cannot believe it?” What can’t you believe? I have no idea what half the people I’m friends with are talking about and I cannot be the only one. Did you ever hear the old expression don’t bury the lead? Let someone know what the heck you’re talking about.     

That’s not to say there aren’t any positive things about Facebook. People learn practical and valuable skills every day.  I am actually so proud that my sister (who couldn’t be trusted to watch my guinea pig Liz for one weekend without killing it) is now a proficient agriculturist with thriving herds and crops in her pasture and that my father is exploring his Italian heritage with Mafia Wars. What’s with the Ancestry requests? I need to click so you realize that I’m your son and we’re related? Marlene tells me all the time how she has no time to get anything done around the house; of course she doesn’t – she spends her whole day tending to the crops and feeding the animals. She is a housewife, but how can her husband expect her to cook dinner or do the laundry after working the fields all day?

Also, I can now “friend request” back and forth with the people in High School and College that knew me when I had a mustache and mullet that I thought made me look cool like Tom Selleck in Magnum PI, but actually looked more like Dennis Spade in Joe Dirt. These are people that I made fun of, got beat up by, dated and then hated, and generally don’t keep in touch with. If we were that close we would have kept in touch. Now I have to feel guilty if I don’t let them be my friend. I’m Catholic, we’re bred to feel guilty – it’s been ingrained in me for the past thirty years. If anyone sends me a friend request, I feel bad to say no or decline them and I let them be my friend because no one likes rejection. Even with people I don’t like, I let them in. I’m a sucker. I have work people that are looking to be friends and I just cannot say no. Keep in mind that these are people that I can’t stand and don’t want to eat lunch with, nonetheless hear about their summer in The Outer Banks or see their cat cleaning himself while perched atop their living room curtains.

Everyone puts every picture they have ever taken up there for the world to see and sometimes the people in the photos don’t even know it. The last thing I need is for a prospective client to see me fist pumping with Snooki last weekend in Hackensack or doing keg-stands in my underwear back in college. People pop up in other albums and they have no control over them. My friend Mary has group pictures in her album, and our other friend Susan looks like she’s in the middle of an epileptic fit in one photo. Unflattering photos are funny to see, but the person looking foolish should be the one to decide who gets to see it.

I know that there are privacy settings and you can limit who sees or reads what, but I still don’t agree with it or trust it. I don’t want people I don’t know to see pictures of my son and hear all about his personal details. I feel like it makes it less personal and takes something away from it. Also, and let’s be honest and loud and clear here; not every baby is cute. This is extremely difficult because I’m the parent of a really really cute kid but I have friends that aren’t and that is a very hard lesson for them to learn. Especially when people see my cute baby in his Gap Jeans and Kenneth Cole hoodie and then they go and put up a picture of their little troll with the misshapen head and lazy eye. You know what an ugly baby in really cute clothes is? A Wannabe!         

While we’re at it, Caroline – I don’t care which Glligan’s Island character you are, stop sending me that nonsense and get back to work! Paul, if you send me one more “what NFL player are you? I’m going to come to your house and feed your cat chili and then lock it in your bedroom. Randi, let me just say that if you have a top-ten stalkers list – that means something is really wrong with you! And Missy, I’m never going to build a civilization and attack my friend’s empire, so please stop asking.

In the whole Social media vein, I hate Facebook, but I will not even discuss Twitter. I’m not David Koresh looking for my own Branch Davidians, so anything advocating me having “followers” goes against my long held, anti-Cult stance. I’m not George Clooney or Brad Pitt doing anything of any importance so who really cares if I go to the library or to the movies?  Why do I need followers? Who should we be followers of – Kanye West?  He’s a musical genius, but what in the world could he be spouting that is of any consequence to me? What about the lessons we teach kids about never being a follower? Throw them right out the window with the art of sending a hand-written thank you card.

In all seriousness, I can see that there are positive things to be gained by using Facebook but for business, I just don’t see it for me. I don’t think our clients should (or even want to) know that much about our personal lives. It’s inappropriate and if you turn them down, you’re rejecting them. We work so hard to maintain our reputation and control the light our clients see us in and Facebook can darken that in an instant. Now that I’m off my tangent – let me go and pretend that I’m not annoyed that my friends have checked their fortunes with Madame Sonia and felt the need to share it with me.

Rugby Bulges lead you here???Now I’ve heard everything

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So,

In the statistics feature on this site, I can see what people searched for on the internet to find my site. Some people see the link on Facebook and Twitter or get referred by Yahoo and Hotmail but yesterday, and I am not kidding, someone found my little immodiumabuser.com post while searching for “Rugby Bulges!!!”

I’m glad to know that my posts about Weezie have reached a broader audience but who knew it would have such widespread appeal!!! Also, is it weird if my first thought after seeing that was, “great, more people are reading my stuff” and the second thought was “I wonder if they liked it” and then I thought about what to have for lunch and then ate lunch and then complained because it wasn’t really what I wanted and now I didn’t feel well because I have a bad stomach and the choices of what I can eat are very bland and limiting and then like an hour later finally I wondered: Why is someone searching for “Rugby Bulges.” And they capitalized each word like it was the formal version. I wonder if I would show up in the lower case version of the search.  Seriously, what do they do with that info when they find it? It can’t possibly be informational or educational? Can it? I guess if you’re a Rugby Coach or that crazy girl who has the sex toy parties where she sells her wares, but there’s just no sense to it otherwise. Who would find that arousing? Our African housekeeper Happy who stormed into the kitchen while I was frying eggs one morning and demanded that I take off her Neon Yellow Leather Mumu immediately!  It was laying on the couch and I only put it on because the air conditioning was so high and I was cold.  I was only wearing underwear but she insisted so I took it off and continued cooking my eggs as she sat there watching me. I didn’t mind too much because that leather Mumu was starting to stick to the back of my thighs and God only knows how she must have sweat in that Mumu all summer. In all seriousness, is a leather Mumu ever a practical fashion choice? And neon yellow – what does that even match? Do you need to dry clean it? You can’t possibly put that in the washing machine – what cycle do you use for that?…That’s really not the point, but you see where I’m going with this.  

Incidentally (or coincidentally?) I also got a random comment yesterday from someone I don’t know who likes this site – maybe it was the same person?…Either way – Thanks for reading and keep checking back. Who knows, maybe the next time you search for “American Terrier banging Roommate on Coffee Table” or “Fat Camp and Sex on Snoopy’s Doghouse” it’ll lead you to this site!

Pretzel Boy sent back to the minors

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It was the middle of July, and it was hot as balls. Of course, Fat Camp was in full swing and to illustrate just how hot it actually was, I’m borrowing a Facebook Post from earlier today from my Rabbi Kodi – “Fock its hot! At the rate my balls are sweating I’m going to wake up in the morning dehydrated!” Needless to say, I needed the Air Conditioning as desperately as I need oxygen to breathe or alcohol to make it through the day, so it was off to only peaceful oasis that I knew of in the area: the mall.

I was actually pretty well-known in that mall, but not for very good reasons. I used to go there frequently with my cousin Leaky and her boyfriend, Dim, but nothing good ever came of it. Security was usually involved, sobriety was never involved, and immaturity was always involved. I loved her, but Leaky was always, always, always in a bad mood and being the absolute biggest bitch possible. I would try to embarrass her or make her laugh to get her out of those moods, but it didn’t always work.

That day she was especially bitchy and I couldn’t even ditch her because she had driven us and wouldn’t let me hold the keys to the car. As we were walking on the second level, I noticed that there was a guy giving out pretzel bites samples on the level below. I stopped and leaned over the railing, looked down at him and then started yelling: “Pretzel Boy!…Hey!…Pretzel Boy!” He tried his best to ignore me, so I repeated myself. “Pretzel Boy…I know you can hear me!…Throw me one!” He looked up at me (more annoyed than he should have been) and shook his head while saying softly – “No…You’ll get me in trouble…Get out of here”

  

 

Not getting the point, I got much, much louder and started screaming “PRETZEL BOY!…PRETZEL BOY!…I SAID I WANT A PRETZEL!…THROW ME ONE…NOW!…DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!” to which he responded by picking a sample off the platter that he was serving from and proceeded to throw it at me. At this point, not only were my cousin and her boyfriend watching, but there were about ten other randoms watching as well. Pretzel Boy had obviously never played professional  baseball before because it was an awful throw. It went high and to the left and all of a sudden Leaky reached out her hand and caught that out of control pretzel bite. 

I thought for sure it might fly through the front entrance of Claire’s and land in the pile of headbands by the cash register but, I just couldn’t believe she caught it. She was far off from being an athlete and even further off from being coordinated – it was a shock to see her moving so deftly. And if you know her, you know it’s a shock to see her moving at all unless you have a box of Entemann’s cookies in your hands. (Funny enough she once ate a whole box of Entemann’s chocolate chip cookies in one sitting while we were talking and then looked down at the empty box and back at me and then down at the empty box again and then spat at me defensively “I didn’t eat all those cookies!” and then stormed off when I started to laugh and called her out on it. Listen, I say if you’re gonna eat a full box of Entemann’s chocolate chip cookies yourself – and who hasn’t? – then you have to own it Honey!)

Anyway, she tried to hand that pretzel bite to me after she caught it but, of course now that whoever made it and put it on the tray, Pretzel Boy, and Leaky had all touched it with their sweaty bare hands – there was absolutely no way that was I going to put that pretzel bite anywhere near my mouth. Pretzel Boy’s boss came out to talk with him (about what I couldn’t exactly hear, but I had a pretty good idea) so I yelled down at them “Throw me some cheese to dip it in!” Neither of them thought it was as funny as I did and they went back into the store. It was like the baseball coach coming out of the dugout to pull the pitcher from the mound after he just let another batter hit one into the stands…

I didn’t get a pretzel bite that day, but I did get that bitch out of her bad mood. Still a win in my book and then we were able to get down to business and get drinks in the sports bar that we always went to in the mall. I promptly forgot about the heat and quickly moved onto something else to complain about…