CelebriTuesdays: Tatiana Maslany Fade to Orphan Black – this is my WORST selfie yet!

 

Tatiana Maslany was promoting the movie Stronger and I just wish my facial composure had been a little stronger. I couldn’t have been more excited about seeing her as I’m a huge fan: she’s captivating on Orphan Black, made you forget about Helen Mirren in Woman in Gold and is heartbreaking in Stronger, but you want to hear about heartbreaking? Look at how bad my selfie with her is!

 

 

Me and Tati 2

How does someone take a photo like this?

 

 

 

I finally get to meet this force of nature and my camera fought back! These pictures are awful! It’s not my usual making a bad face kind of awful – it’s a “what’s wrong with your face” and “why is your head so shiny” kind of bad. My selfies have never been great, and some were even OK – but this is by far the worst one I’ve ever taken. I was so nervous because Tatiana makes my Maslany feel all kinds of wonderful, but I just couldn’t pull it together to snap effectively.

 

 

Me and Tati 1

A little bit better, but what’s wrong with my face? 

 

 

 

 
She walked up and I said I was a huge fan and asked if she’d take a photo with me. She said sure and as I was snapping away, I could actually see how bad they looked and I freaked out…”Wait…Wait…its blurry…Wait…its blurry!” She walked on and headed to her car as I chased after to beg for a better shot together – but she was gone.

 

 

Getting in car 1

Wait – don’t go…

 

 

 

The kicker of our run-in, was not only that she looks amazing and I look like complete and utter shit – that’s beside the point. I’ve basically come to accept that this is my face and there’s very little I can do about it, but this was ridiculous. The kicker is that in addition to looking like there’s something wrong with me; look at how big she looks next to me! Talk about kicking me when I’m down! The woman is 5’4” for Christ’s sake and she’s wearing converse! Where is that God damn leg lift coming from? I’m 5’7” but look like Webster next to her – It’s like I’m in the upside down over here…

 

 

Getting in car 2

And just like that, she took her starry starry night jacket and left me with only a memory…

 

 

As quickly as it happened – it was over. She was Tati-outta there and my dreams were dashed as she went off to get a Mas-latte from Starbucks…

 

 

OB characters

The different faces of Tatiana Maslany on Orphan Black. If you haven’t seen her Emmy winning urn on this show yet – change that immediately!

 

 

 

CelebriTuesdays: ELISABETH – OH NO SHUE DIDN’T!!!

 

I guess I’ve been spoiled lately by landing some pictures along with celebrities so I forgot that they’re actually people who might want to be left alone. Elisabeth Shue’s car pulled up and she couldn’t be moving any quicker if she were in a race. She was Leaving Las VegEscalade or maybe she just took one look and wasn’t in the mood to sidle up next to my sweaty awesomeness on such a hot day.

 

babysitting.jpg

No offense, but this is the best Thor movie ever made!

 

It wasn’t her intention, but her assistant did make me feel like I had finally “made it!” As they were walking by trying to get her inside the building, her assistant put her arms up to block the cameras and started yelling “No, No…I said No pictures!” I couldn’t help but laugh to myself and think a) I am officially now a stalker since I’ve finally been yelled at and b) Chris in Adventures in Babysitting seemed so much nicer than this…

 

 

When I say she was blocking our cameras, I mean she was blocking cell phones. It’s not as if I’m walking the streets rocking a heavy duty Paparazzi-level camera with a lens as big as my arm or any equipment for that matter. I’m not crazy, although, lately I have toyed with the idea of bringing a little step stool around to make me seem taller in some of these photos. Nothing major, just maybe an unassuming toddler potty step stool or a little soap box.

 

 

Elisabeth, I’m a fan and I know Shue don’t owe me even one single minute of your time, but are you kidding?Yes – Shue are still awesome, but Shue were in Piranha 3D for God’s Sakes! You’re talented and all, but you’re only promoting a small role in Battle of the Sexes; I’m concerned the news of the upcoming Karate Kid TV series, Cobra Kai being greenlit might have gone right to your head! Ease on down the road there Liz…

 

 

karate kid

This is The Karate Kid that mattersnot that sacrilegious Jaden version…

 

As my own private protest for this egregious snub, I will no longer Wax on or Wax off when I think about Ali in The Karate Kid – take that Mr. Myagi! Full disclosure, I don’t really know the Shue story here: the assistant probably needed her to be in the makeup chair to tease out that fro and get ready for the appearance as it’s her actual job to get her places on time. My only saving grace was that she didn’t utilize the Larry David defense strategy and throw a big red ass up in the way! Still – maybe next time, just don’t block this chubby guy’s photo…

 

 

 

me and mr miyagi last summer

When I met Mr. Miyagi on vacation and he showed me a few moves.

 

 

my miyagi

 

CelebriTuesdays: Larry David – He Curbed My Enthusiasm when he bolted for the car but seriously – he might be my dad!

vocabularry

 

I made a stupid, amateur move last week: I was texting when I should have been paying attention and a huge catastrophe happened: I missed getting a picture of Larry David. I wouldn’t have been able to get one with him as he was rushing out of there like he stole something, but I couldn’t gave at least gotten a shot of that fabulous bald crown! Stupid texts!

 

Larry Lighter USE

 

 

I was texting my friend Beena back about things that definitely could have waited but I thought I had more time when the commotion started as he came out and was rushing to the car. It took me far too long to realize and react to what was going on; although I tried to get my phone out of text mode and over to camera mode, it wasn’t to be as he was just too fast for me. I realize the absolute absurdity of that statement because basically a 70 year old man outran me…I should have been on my game, and now I know that when they say texting can wait – they mean it!

 

curb poster

 

 

I was happy that I did at least get to see him in all his neurotic glory in person, but I didn’t get a snap. Normally my cat-like reflexes kick in, but apparently, this feline must have been asleep. I followed him to his car and tried to get a quick shot, but his people were maneuvering so fast. I was right there, but it was like little bald Larry shouted “cover me” and all of a sudden from out of nowhere, there was a bright red ass in between us! They have facial recognition software so advanced now, but the posterior recognition technology is severely lacking. Forget Amber and consider this my Imodium Ambutt Alert to help me identify this backside so she can help me get a message to Larry about how we need to connect.

 

Lighter with notes 1 USE

 

Just like Jimmy Kimmel did to Larry and Larry did to Suzie in the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm – I was Foisted! They got a bum assistant thrust upon them, while I just got an assistant’s Bum thrust on me! It’s not like I can brag and tell people – “look right past that red ass and you can see Larry’s shoe and the crest of his bald scalp!” That could be my bald scalp in the car and no one would know.

 

Lighter with notes 2 USE

 

 

 

I have been speculating for some time now, but I’m pretty sure Larry David is really my father. Don’t see the resemblance between us: I’m bald, have terrible eyesight and once stepped over a woman that had fallen into the tracks on Amtrak without ever considering offering to assist because I didn’t want to miss the train…No one likes to ever think bad things about their own mother, but who could blame any young woman for not being able to resist that Mack Daddy’s considerable charms back in the day? Homeboy had some mad game! If I find out he was hanging out at the Central Islip bowling alley back in the 70’s I’m definitely calling Maury and getting a cheek swab from him! I was going to start a website to keep people informed of my progress with Larry, but http://www.islarrydavidmydad.com was already taken!

 

 

young larry 2

Come on – who wasn’t trying to hit this back in the day? One glance and I bet the panties were a droppin!

 

 

 

Help me out and let’s get this mysterious red bottom trending on Twitter until she gets me a tete-a-tete with Larry. If you recognize that bottom, tag her and put me in contact. If not, share it and maybe a friend will claim that backside. If you own that bottom, don’t be afraid – I’m harmless. Families should be together and one day, Larry and I are gonna look back on this and plotz!

 

 

young larry 3

They didn’t call him Black Magic for nothing! When he borrowed these clothes from Richard Simmons and teased out that fro, he looked just like a younger, Menschier Hugh Hefner. Look at that leg tone – no wonder I’m a runner!

 

 

Larry – let’s meet like Cary Grant & Deborah Kerr planned to in An Affair to Remember except, not in a romantic way, not at the top of the Empire State Building as I don’t really care for heights, and let’s look both ways before crossing. We can meet at the finish line of the NYC Marathon Sunday November 5th. I’ll be about 43,000 people back from the front – you can’t miss me as I’ll be the chubby guy leaving an oil slick of sweat through Central Park and you can present my medal to me as if I were in the Olympics! You can hum the Chariots of Fire Theme song and I’ll already be running in slow motion. Afterwards, we can compare forehead sunburn stories and hit up the Who’syourdaddy.com DNA truck on Lexington Avenue for a quick check then head to dinner. I’d say we could go and have a catch like Kevin Costner and his dad in Field of Dreams, but then I’d need bug spray and who wants to hang out in a creepy field anyway? I know what can happen there – I saw Signs!

 

whodaddy

 

I was bummed about Larry and didn’t see how I could possibly cheer myself up, when there was another small commotion shortly after: Nicole’s here, Nicole’s here…That was all I needed to hear and instinct kicked in! I pushed past a few people to get to the car thinking this is how the universe will make it up to me for missing Larry David’s picture – and then she came out of the car. I thought when people were clamoring about Nicole that it was Ms. Kidman which set my heart racing and sent me pushing, as there’s always “The One” and for me, it’s her. When it turned out to actually be Nicole Richie and not Nicole Kidman, I had now pushed my way through other people like an animal and couldn’t pretend that I didn’t like her as much because I’d seem like a lunatic so I asked for a picture.

 

NICOLE

 

She smiled and posed and I was like “you look great” although I wanted to take the Clif bar out of my bag and feed it to her or put it into the pocket of that Jacket she obviously borrowed from Cruella De Ville. I was trying to get my good selfie face on and not think about the stroke face I was sporting in the picture with her father Lionel when I tried to sing and be funny but, alas, this face can only do so much. I was so worried about my expression looking weird, that I didn’t even worry about the shining spotlight reflecting off of my own bald head – it was as if I’d gotten Larry David in the photo after all! 

 

 

Nicole blurry - USE.jpg

It’s like I should be a wedding photographer – my photog skills are on point!  🙂

 

 

 

 

CelebriTuesdays: Pablo Pascal is my Narcos pal, but I think I might have Hoult Nicholas’ feelings

 

Pablo car 2 use

No, that bald guy isn’t me – I’m taking the picture!

 

It was my very own Sophie’s Choice: Pablo Pascal and Nicholas Hoult were coming my way, but I’d only be able to get one photo as they weren’t right next to each other. It had to be a lightning quick decision, so I went with the Narcos and Game of Thrones star!

 

narcos poster

 

Full disclosure, I’ve never actually seen Game of Thrones and please don’t tell me that I’m missing out because I see so many sword fights, incestuous monarchs, and scary dragons in my everyday life that I want escapism on the shows I watch. It’s like when I tell people the only seafood I eat is Swedish Fish and then they tell me that it’s because “you haven’t tried my salmon” or “you don’t even eat Lobster?” No thanks, I’m good – don’t try to convince me or force it on me – I said no to your fish and no to your Game!

 

 

Nicholas Hoult has been in the X-Men movies, the new Rebel in the Rye movie I want to see, but he’s probably more famous for dating Jennifer Lawrence. I’m a fan and I like his movies, but I can’t help but feel like he owes me ten dollars for my Mad Max: Fury Road movie ticket. Just like Charlize Theron, I was Furiosa and really hated that movie so I didn’t feel that I could let him pass by without mentioning it and went with Pablo. Although, if he and Jennifer Lawrence were still dating, I would have forgiven him and let that ten dollars slide by choosing him for a picure…

 

sophie's choice

Wow, I can see why it was so hard for Meryl to choose…

 

 

I did feel bad, but here’s a tiny bit of him to Hoult you over – he’s in the upper right hand corner of the picture so I did kinda get a picture with him:

 

 

PART OF NIC HOULT - USE THIS ONE

Just in the Nick of time – he’s in the right corner.

 

 

Either way, another day – another sighting, but seriously – can we talk about my selfie game? I mean look at this:

 

Pablo bad selfie face

 

It’s awful…to the untrained eye, this doesn’t look like a celebrity encounter with a fan, but a colonoscopy on the street. One initially wonders what he’s doing with his right hand that has me in such distress.  I texted my sister afterwards and her immediate response was did he shove his fist up your ass? What’s wrong with your face? Glad to know that I can always count on my family to make me feel better.  Enough is enough with these weird pictures. It genuinely looks like something is wrong with me and I need to enroll in an online selfie school. Any suggestions?

 

 

alive and well

Thanks a Latte for your devotion to the show.

 

 

CelebriTuesdays:Vivica A Fox gave my heart some shocks!!!

Vivica & me 1USE

Yes, Vivica’s blowing a kiss to me. No, that is not the Psychic I go to across the street!

 

Vivica A Fox is one foxy mama! She looks good in pictures, she looks great in person, the camera loves her plus she’s confident, sweet, and funny – case closed!  I was so excited to see her last week while she was promoting her new movie True to the Game on The Today Show and I’ve tried to practice my selfie face, but I’m not there yet; I’ve been told that I have the face for email and it shows more and more with the pictures I take. I should just let the pics speak for themselves, but here are a few more fascinating things about Vivica: she’s killing it while stealing Taraji’s spotlight as Crazy Candace on Empire, she was Maya on Generations way back in the day, and she also happens to smell like a little spritz of sage, confidence, & sunshine all blended together!

 

 

 

On a rare serious note, Politicians can certainly mean a great deal to us and significantly influence our lives. As so many before her, a strong woman that’s devoted her life to public service has inspired Ms. Fox and just like her favorite politician Selena Meyer does – Vivica’s got a bag man!!! (If you don’t watch Emmy Award winner Veep and don’t know what I’m talking about – immediately binge it now). I think I found my dream job and I’ve already got it up on my vision board – I’ll be clutching that bag for her by New Year’s Day!

 

 

As you can imagine, her and I have a lot in common, but in case you didn’t know about our most important link: she had a movie out in July called Fat Camp and my exploits working at a fat camp are legendary. We’re practically besties now! What a small world!

 

 

fat camp poster

We’re all bonded over Fat Camp…

 

 

I’m trying not to let it go to my head, but I was in a photo in The Daily Mail with Vivica last week. Ok, so only one of my pant legs and my messenger bag were actually shown with her, but it’s certainly a start…You gotta start somewhere!

 

 

Daily mail photo 2

Recognize me over to the left? That’s me and my bag!!! Way to go Daily Mail! I hope the notoriety doesn’t go to my head…

 

 

 

vivica on the today show

Vivica A Fox on The Today Show