CelebriTuesdays: Jenna Fischer Ouch! Did Pam from The Office just Crouch?



Jenna Fischer has a new book out called The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide; it’s about hard work and struggling for years and years until she finally fulfilled her dream and came face to face with the one and only Immodium Abuser! Or it’s about the years of rejection and hardship before she finally made it as an actor in Hollywood – either way a dream was fulfilled….


office cast


It was a chilly New York day, until she walked out the door and it was like the sun came out. The door opened and along came Jenna smiling and genuinely surprised to see people waiting for her. Sweet and accommodating, she could not have been nicer – just like when she played Pam on The Office!




Vertical profiling in full effect! Any guess which one I’m forced to use unless I want to commit Testicular Manslaughter and find my balls resting on the ice cold ceramic ledge.  



She came right over and happily snapped a few pictures. When it was my turn for a pic, I walked over and stood side by side with her when all of a sudden she crouched down. It was subtle, quick and stealth, but it was a crouch nonetheless. She crouched on me!

“Did you just crouch down because I’m short?” I gently asked so as not to distract myself and contort my face into an odd position like I usually do for selfies…

“No, I did it because I’m cold…” she replied politely and smiled.


Jenna 1


Such a gentle smile, but behind that innocent little grin was the cold hard truth: I was just vertically profiled. Who crouches when they’re cold? Now I’m not one to quibble as she’s awesome and didn’t have to stop at all. I’m a big fan of hers, but I can’t help but focus on the crouch. I’ve been pouring over these pictures all afternoon with the same forensic attention to detail as if it were the Zapruder film – and there’s definitely a crouch at play here. I’m not paranoid and it’s not a big deal, but let’s call a spade a spade: she vertically profiled me! I think when you compare the photos one by one, it proves she crouched. You can see her hips swing out and her ever so gently lowering her body and noggin to be more level with mine…She’s obviously a pro!



crouching tiger

I didn’t even realize Jenna was in this film…



Don’t get me wrong – I appreciate the crouch as it put me on equal footing AND gave me a good picture that I don’t look short in! Granted I’m an inch taller than her, so I should have definitely looked it, but let’s not quibble or unfairly mention the amount of hair she has on her head which gives her some volume compared to my head that looks like a cross between the cartoon character Doug with a Charlie Brown coif!



I know that I always seem to drone on about how short I look, but it’s usually all in my head, not the other way around. Except for Taylor Hicks, it’s always just me thinking I’m the short one – not them. Do you have any idea what it’s like to constantly be the shortest man in the room? People treat you differently when they have to glance down to make eye contact. I haven’t had this bright shorty spotlight shined on me this hard since that Sales Meeting when one of the attendees actually picked me up and gently placed me on the credenza so that I could see the presentation better. I did appreciate it as it afforded a better view, but come on – we need to stop the proliferation of vertical profiling in this country and give all the little people some respect too. Short people have feelings too. My new nickname should be Croucho Marx after this.



crouching tiger pushup

Just call me Croucho!



Now that I got that out of my system, I’ll let it go until the next person that I’m a big fan and cannot wait to read her book, but seriously Jenna – call me for a reshoot and no crouching next time. I think the only solution here is to have a reshoot where you stand as tall as you can while I wear my big boy shoes and stand up straight. Sounds like a plan to me! What do you think: Crouch or no Crouch?


Jenna 2

On the way down…

Jenna 1

Definitely Crouching here. Use the green windows behind my left shoulder to gauge our cranial placement and look how she leans out to even the height different – she’s a pro!

Jenna 3

And now she’s back up to regular size!

CelebriTuesdays: Ray Donovan is LIEV-ing on a Jet Plane!


ray donovan


I’m not saying meeting me had anything to do with it, but it might not be coincidence that Ray Donovan is moving production of the show to New York City after I met Liev Schreiber! People do say that meeting me can change lives – but I’m much too modest to take all the credit for this news.


beshert happens.png


This wasn’t my usual pre-planned time or spot to stalk celeb watch, but I just looked over and Liev Schreiber got out of his car and walked my way. If you ask my friend Weeva, it was beshert or preordained (you know , like it was meant to be); If you ask my friend Annie-Smack-That-Fannie, it was because I’m a lucky SumBitch; either way, there he was.


Liev 2.JPG


Since no one seemed to notice him, I walked over and said I was a big fan and asked if he wouldn’t mind taking a photo with me. He couldn’t have been nicer and he didn’t remind me like Taylor Hicks that I was short. He was extremely nice, snapped a few shots just in case they were blurry and then shook my hand afterwards and walked away.


point of golf.jpg


You know that I’ll take a picture with any celebrity and to be honest, I didn’t know some of the celebrities I’ve met. Lets be real, I don’t believe that anyone really knows any professional Golfers except for Tiger Woods so they shouldn’t count! I might not have known who they were or maybe I just took a picture with them because I’m a stalker and everyone else was taking them, but with Liev Schreiber it was awesome because I’m actually a really big fan! Separate from Ray Donovan, I’ve really liked everything he’s done (well maybe not Sphere which I still feel like he, Dustin Hoffman, & Sharon Stone owe me money back for seeing that trainwreck in a theatre) since his first movie when he was Chris in Mixed Nuts (1994). If you’re not familiar with the film, it’s a comedy about a suicide hotline on Christmas Eve. This movie cracks me up even though it got terrible reviews and did terrible in the theatres. I remember going to see it and just laughing hysterically like an idiot. It’s got one of the best casts assembled with Steve Martin, Madeline Khan, Jon Stewart and Adam Sandler so I don’t need to go any further. If you’re not convinced it’s worth a look – listen to Liev telling Conan about the film, dancing with Steve Martin, and sweat pants erections:


Liev Schreiber on Conan (click for video)



It took everything in me not to ask him to tell Naomi Watts to go and tell Nicole Kidman to Holla back at me since he’s the closest I’ve gotten to someone who knows her since I assaulted Tom Cruise –  but I was afraid that if I mentioned it – he’d do this to me:



upside down.jpg


I’m sure with production in New York City, I’ll see him again and I’ll casually mention it then. At the very least my selfie face seems to be getting better, right? You better Be-Liev it!



weird picture right.jpg

Isn’t this the weirdest picture? It’s certainly a head-scratcher…


CelebriTuedays: Taylor Hicks on me he picks…



In case you haven’t realized it yet, I take my stalk lunch break in the afternoon and have now made a few friends that actually do it full time. As I was chatting it up with them, one of those stalker buddies said “I can’t believe you don’t want to ask for a picture with an American Idol?” (He won season 5 for those that aren’t part of the Soul Patrol which is his posse of fans and not to be confused with Paw Patrol which are just puppies that protect Adventure Bay.)



soul patrol not paw patrol

I said Soul Patrol – not Paw Patrol!

“What are you talking about? Where?”



“That’s Taylor Hicks.”


Apparently, I was asleep at the switch again and needed a map to look over as he was just casually walking by. (He’d already gotten a picture with Taylor earlier on his way into visit the Sirius studios)


“Excuse me, would you mind taking a picture with me?” I asked and put my phone on selfie mode and he looked at me, smiled and then said “Why don’t I take it instead? I’m much taller so it’ll look better.”


Taylor Hicks


OK, so no one likes a smart ass Taylor, but full disclosure (and I’m quoting the scholar Mona Lisa Vito here) you were “dead on balls accurate!” He actually is much taller than me and the picture really does look better than some of the selfies I’ve taken. OK, it looks better than pretty much all of the selfies I’ve taken even though I look like someone stole my toupee and ran off.


My Normal Selfie

Here’s how my normal selfies look – NOT my best angle!!! I’d like to blame this on the phone, but I think it might be time for some selfie training.



This might be a new selfie strategy for me instead of carrying around a kid’s potty stool to stand on – I might just ask the taller person take the photo from now on. Granted, not everyone is as cool as Taylor was to stay and chat, but I’m gonna try. The last thing I need is for another picture to come out looking like this one of me and NBA star Jason Collins:



Jason Collins.JPG

I mean come on – it looks like he’s babysitting me! I’m standing up nice and tall in my big boy shoes and I’m still not even nipple height! 



Short apparently isn’t my only problem: one of the ladies I work with took one glance at the picture of us and said “how is it that this guy who’s full grey looks so much better? At least this picture looks better than your usual ones.” I guess it’s just the universe’s way of reminding me that being funny is a reward unto itself. Or at least that’s what I’ll say when I cry myself to sleep at night…Either way Taylor, thank you and here’s to hoping they end up making you a judge on the new American Idol reboot!



Get his new album in stores now

New single available now!