CelebriTuesdays: 2017 review – I saw more stars this year than McGregor did after Mayweather finished him off…

2017 review

 

It’s that time to look back and reflect on what I’ve done and accomplished over the past year and plan how to better move forward in the year ahead. I’m normally not the type to reflect back and learn any lessons from my behavior, but if this year is any indication – I have a lot of work to do in 2018.

 

2017 - 2018

 

Forget about personal development or being a better person, I’m talking about the important things like quicker camera reflexes and stealth dodging in between publicists or personal assistants. In 2018, my camera skills are gonna be on point!

 

selfie practice

My new go to pose! My 2018 selfies are gonna be off the chain!

 

Not to brag too much, but I did get lucky a lot this year. I got to meet a bunch of cool celebrities and whether you attribute that to the luck of the Irish, the power of the Imodium or just the sheer tenacity of a stalker; it was a banner year in a lot of ways. If for nothing else, any year in which I got to see my Larry David in person (even if I did miss snapping a pic because I broke the cardinal rule of no texting while stalking) is a success.

 

larry selfie

Love this! I’d do the same thing…

 

 

Despite my best efforts, there were a few mishaps along the way (besides me looking like I was mid-seizure while singing Say You to Lionel Richie-which he didn’t seem to appreciate as much as I thought he should have) For instance, I got cocky with Seal. There he was just a few feet from me taking pictures with a bunch of fans, when he abruptly stopped the pictures and said he had to go. I don’t know if he could tell that I was seconds away from bursting out “You’re never gonna survive, uuuuunless, we get a little craaaazyyyy!!!” or if he just took one look at me and knew no good could come of encouraging a lunatic like this, but I was denied and he passed me by. He wasn’t being dickish and probably was in a rush or maybe he was hungry (even Seals need to eat too) or maybe he had to take a shit or any of the myriad reasons one doesn’t want to be bothered in public by strangers, but I wasn’t prepared for his abrupt halt to the proceedings. My phone was on selfie mode with the camera facing me so by the time I turned it to front facing, this was all I could get because I was looking at him and didn’t want to walk into the window:

 

 

Seal

Look at that jaw and jacket – who else could it be?

 

If you look at that jaw and the jacket and pants – who else could it be but Seal? He got into his car and poof – he was gone. Seals on the beach are kinda slow moving, but when Seal’s in the Sirius lobby he’s pretty damn fast.

 

 

 

I was at The Today Show one morning feeling great about the good shot I got with Pablo Pascal when I turned and Luke Wilson was right next to me about to enter the building. I could only say “Luke” and try to get my phone out for a picture, but he just smiled and walked away. Normally, the celebrities pull up and unload on the curb, but he just walked up unencumbered and casual. He was promoting the film Brad’s Status, but guess who wasn’t promoting Tony’s status that day? Luke Wilson.

 

luke wilson

 

There were a few times when my impatience or the poor timing of Metro North’s morning trains (or as I refer to it – Satan’s sleigh) get the better of me and I missed J.B. Smoove, Naomi Judd, Drew Barrymore, and Carol Burnett. I don’t get myself down about the ones I let get away, I focus on the ones I’ll see tomorrow. Like Annie sang “The stars will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar I’ll be stalking, all day long…”

 

missed it

 

When I saw Scott Ian from Anthrax, he wasn’t taking picture because he was with his son and wife, Pearl Aday (Meat Loaf’s daughter – Little Baby Loaf. No really, she is the actual daughter of the Loaf). They didn’t want to take pictures with their kid which I fully respect and believe it or not, even I have limits and never tread on that. Children are sacred and I never bother anyone with kids because it’s really not cool. When they were bringing Kelly Clarkson’s daughter into The Today Show, some people were snapping away, but seriously – who does that? A) it’s a baby leave her alone and B) that could be my baby – you can’t identify any baby from a quick snap while they’re walking past so fast…

 

Scott Ian and Pearl Aday

Scott Ian of Anthrax and Ms Loaf herself, Pearl Aday

 

Some people draw a bigger crowd than others and I’m not normally one to compare size, but there is a certain appeal when you’re rocking a huge crowd. But as my wife constantly reassures me, it’s not the size of your crowd – it’s what you do with it that matters. There was no one around when I saw Liev Schreiber and Cat Stevens and they were both awesome. Small crowds, but big personalities and I wasn’t disappointed. The opposite was true of Charlize Theron. Hot as can be and she was packing a big crowd, but no one was getting near her and she wasn’t stopping for anyone.

 

charlize selfie

 

I’m not sure if this is actually a selfie with her and I, but we are both technically in the picture together so I’m gonna say it counts.

 

charlize

 

My biggest faux pas, was my most recent. I saw one of the regular security guards from the building rush up and ask for a photo with this guy and his entourage. He happily obliged and they even got all festive-like and took it by the Lobby Christmas Tree. Seeing this occur, me and some of the other regulars went over and waited our turn to meet him, exchange pleasantries, and snap away. It wasn’t until all of us (SEVEN PEOPLE MIND YOU) had taken pictures with him and compared notes outside that we realized there wasn’t one of us that knew who he was. Seriously, we had all just bum rushed someone to take a picture with us by the Christmas Tree with no idea who it was. This isn’t a strange occurrence, as sometimes one person will recognize someone and then we will tell the others afterwards if they don’t know them (like what happened with the people from Love & Hip Hop). It has never happened where none knew who it was. When I met him, I didn’t know who it was but obviously l didn’t want to walk over and say “Hi, can I take a picture with you and then can you tell me who you are?” so I said “I’m Tony, it’s great to meet you.” I thought I was being smooth and that he’d naturally say his name as well, but he only said “Tony, it’s great to meet you – have a great Holiday!”

 

Closer

 

The security guard didn’t even know and he was the first one to get a picture so I really blame him for this – he told us that he just assumed since he was wearing shades indoors and walking with a bunch of guys that looked like his entourage, that he was probably someone famous. They got into a nice SUV like the celebrities regularly do so he actually might be someone, but my fear is that we bum rushed Jimmy from Accounting on the 23rd floor while he was on the way to his Uber. Let me know if this guy looks familiar to anyone and drop me a line if he does.

 

Very Close

 

So here I am at the end of the year looking over my pictures and working on my posts for next year as I have a bunch of celebrities waiting to have their brushes with Immodium-Abusing infamy told on these hallowed pages. Much more to come my friends – much more to come! Happy New Year and my wish for you is that your hearts be as full this Holiday Season as my stock of Imodium AD is!!!

 

happy new year

 

 

 

CelebriTuesdays: Larry David – He Curbed My Enthusiasm when he bolted for the car but seriously – he might be my dad!

vocabularry

 

I made a stupid, amateur move last week: I was texting when I should have been paying attention and a huge catastrophe happened: I missed getting a picture of Larry David. I wouldn’t have been able to get one with him as he was rushing out of there like he stole something, but I couldn’t gave at least gotten a shot of that fabulous bald crown! Stupid texts!

 

Larry Lighter USE

 

 

I was texting my friend Beena back about things that definitely could have waited but I thought I had more time when the commotion started as he came out and was rushing to the car. It took me far too long to realize and react to what was going on; although I tried to get my phone out of text mode and over to camera mode, it wasn’t to be as he was just too fast for me. I realize the absolute absurdity of that statement because basically a 70 year old man outran me…I should have been on my game, and now I know that when they say texting can wait – they mean it!

 

curb poster

 

 

I was happy that I did at least get to see him in all his neurotic glory in person, but I didn’t get a snap. Normally my cat-like reflexes kick in, but apparently, this feline must have been asleep. I followed him to his car and tried to get a quick shot, but his people were maneuvering so fast. I was right there, but it was like little bald Larry shouted “cover me” and all of a sudden from out of nowhere, there was a bright red ass in between us! They have facial recognition software so advanced now, but the posterior recognition technology is severely lacking. Forget Amber and consider this my Imodium Ambutt Alert to help me identify this backside so she can help me get a message to Larry about how we need to connect.

 

Lighter with notes 1 USE

 

Just like Jimmy Kimmel did to Larry and Larry did to Suzie in the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm – I was Foisted! They got a bum assistant thrust upon them, while I just got an assistant’s Bum thrust on me! It’s not like I can brag and tell people – “look right past that red ass and you can see Larry’s shoe and the crest of his bald scalp!” That could be my bald scalp in the car and no one would know.

 

Lighter with notes 2 USE

 

 

 

I have been speculating for some time now, but I’m pretty sure Larry David is really my father. Don’t see the resemblance between us: I’m bald, have terrible eyesight and once stepped over a woman that had fallen into the tracks on Amtrak without ever considering offering to assist because I didn’t want to miss the train…No one likes to ever think bad things about their own mother, but who could blame any young woman for not being able to resist that Mack Daddy’s considerable charms back in the day? Homeboy had some mad game! If I find out he was hanging out at the Central Islip bowling alley back in the 70’s I’m definitely calling Maury and getting a cheek swab from him! I was going to start a website to keep people informed of my progress with Larry, but http://www.islarrydavidmydad.com was already taken!

 

 

young larry 2

Come on – who wasn’t trying to hit this back in the day? One glance and I bet the panties were a droppin!

 

 

 

Help me out and let’s get this mysterious red bottom trending on Twitter until she gets me a tete-a-tete with Larry. If you recognize that bottom, tag her and put me in contact. If not, share it and maybe a friend will claim that backside. If you own that bottom, don’t be afraid – I’m harmless. Families should be together and one day, Larry and I are gonna look back on this and plotz!

 

 

young larry 3

They didn’t call him Black Magic for nothing! When he borrowed these clothes from Richard Simmons and teased out that fro, he looked just like a younger, Menschier Hugh Hefner. Look at that leg tone – no wonder I’m a runner!

 

 

Larry – let’s meet like Cary Grant & Deborah Kerr planned to in An Affair to Remember except, not in a romantic way, not at the top of the Empire State Building as I don’t really care for heights, and let’s look both ways before crossing. We can meet at the finish line of the NYC Marathon Sunday November 5th. I’ll be about 43,000 people back from the front – you can’t miss me as I’ll be the chubby guy leaving an oil slick of sweat through Central Park and you can present my medal to me as if I were in the Olympics! You can hum the Chariots of Fire Theme song and I’ll already be running in slow motion. Afterwards, we can compare forehead sunburn stories and hit up the Who’syourdaddy.com DNA truck on Lexington Avenue for a quick check then head to dinner. I’d say we could go and have a catch like Kevin Costner and his dad in Field of Dreams, but then I’d need bug spray and who wants to hang out in a creepy field anyway? I know what can happen there – I saw Signs!

 

whodaddy

 

I was bummed about Larry and didn’t see how I could possibly cheer myself up, when there was another small commotion shortly after: Nicole’s here, Nicole’s here…That was all I needed to hear and instinct kicked in! I pushed past a few people to get to the car thinking this is how the universe will make it up to me for missing Larry David’s picture – and then she came out of the car. I thought when people were clamoring about Nicole that it was Ms. Kidman which set my heart racing and sent me pushing, as there’s always “The One” and for me, it’s her. When it turned out to actually be Nicole Richie and not Nicole Kidman, I had now pushed my way through other people like an animal and couldn’t pretend that I didn’t like her as much because I’d seem like a lunatic so I asked for a picture.

 

NICOLE

 

She smiled and posed and I was like “you look great” although I wanted to take the Clif bar out of my bag and feed it to her or put it into the pocket of that Jacket she obviously borrowed from Cruella De Ville. I was trying to get my good selfie face on and not think about the stroke face I was sporting in the picture with her father Lionel when I tried to sing and be funny but, alas, this face can only do so much. I was so worried about my expression looking weird, that I didn’t even worry about the shining spotlight reflecting off of my own bald head – it was as if I’d gotten Larry David in the photo after all! 

 

 

Nicole blurry - USE.jpg

It’s like I should be a wedding photographer – my photog skills are on point!  🙂

 

 

 

 

Work life balance or how I learned to use my keyboard instead of my belt

work life

If there’s one quote I’ll like to be known for – it’s that “I write so that I don’t strangle anyone.” I was fortunate enough to realize early on in my career that it’s always a better idea to use your keyboard instead of your belt with bosses and coworkers. Many a blog post or a late-night journal entry has kept me in check and enabled me to keep things in perspective as opposed to the stress forcing me into a full-on cage match in my cubicle.

cagematch

 

As a general rule, most people will drive you crazy if you carpool with them – so don’t let them in. There’s always going to be traffic, there’s always going to be work meetings, there’s always going to be people texting and not paying attention, there’s always going to be family commitments that you don’t have enough time for, and you’re very rarely (if ever) going to be appreciated at work! Get control over it or it will overtake you!

 

stats

 

The key to happiness isn’t a big revelation people, the key is to be able to identify and create a little, protected zone where you have something that’s just for you; it’s that simple. Even if it’s just for a few minutes here and there, those little escapes will maintain order and sanity in your life. When I enter my zone and get pulled into a favorite book, am able to grab some wine with my beautiful wife, or just sit and play Star Wars with my sons – I get a sense of calm and meaning that the rest of the day can’t give me.

Star Wars

 

I write a humor blog not because I’m so funny and I just need to show everyone – one glance at my face tells them that. I write because it gives me a sense of meaning and accomplishment and I take a lot of pride in what I write. It’s an escape where I can take a few minutes and get into some deep keyboard action where no one else exists except for me and that keyboard. It’s my party and I’ll type if I want to!

text and drive.png

 

Once I post something I’ve written, there’s a great feeling of accomplishment that’s hard to duplicate. It’s sending a little piece of me into the vast internet galaxy and hoping that someone out there seeking a new experience and few good chuckles will find my message in a bottle.

luke warm

 

This isn’t something I get paid to do, but I love it more than anything in my work career. It fulfills me in a way that defies explanation. I know what you’re thinking: When I’m already so busy, who wants added work to write something, edit the piece, find a couple of silly pictures to accompany it, post it, and then start anew? It isn’t work to me – it’s a labor of love. Sure, I have lazy times when I can’t be bothered with it because life has gotten in the way and overloaded me, but like a devoted pup or an aging bottle of scotch, it’s always there waiting when I need it.

start writing

 

If someone reads something that I’ve written and laughs or likes and shares it with their friends, that’s a feeling you can’t describe. I write to create something and hope that people like it and as a byproduct of that it resonates with someone. Being funny is all in perspective and my sense of humor might not be for everyone, but sometimes you strike a cord and people just connect with your words.

 

editor

 

Truth be told, some of my friends and some members of my family don’t even bother to read it, but I take solace in the fact that there are a bunch of strangers that follow me and look forward to things I write. They like it and they share it and they comment on it and they follow me and they encourage me. There are days at work when I literally wanna place my junk into a metal fan because it’s so bad, but when I write – it immediately takes me to another place which makes up for the worst day in my office anytime!

hell meme

 

I start writing something and it transports me away and then I go back to it later on or move onto another topic, but it’s that escape that keeps me coming back. It’s the feeling of satisfaction that fills a need and makes everything a little better. I’m like everyone else, I dream of walking into work one day and saying “screw this, it isn’t what I love and I won’t do it one more day!” but of course I don’t really do that – that’s what dreams are for. They let you imagine a world of your own creation where you’re in control and life is what you make of it. I’m extremely lucky to have this positive outlet, when I see so many people bogged down and struggling to get through the day to day.

 

taco bell.jpg

 

The issue of course becomes how do I maintain a blog about embarrassing shitting stories and experiences where I come off like the combination of equal parts George Costanza and Larry David with a hint of Woody Allen mixed in without sacrificing my professional reputation at work? Simple, I use a pen name – Immodium Abuser. It’s my super hero secret identity and protects my career while giving me the freedom to write honestly and put it out there without having to worry if people see it. The insecurity and fear doesn’t rule me the way it would if I published under my real name. Can you imagine if I had to explain to my boss why in the world I tormented my brother’s girlfriend with a life-size, plastic Baby Jesus, why people from Imodium AD tried to stage an intervention with me or tell him about my sister shitting on a cat? Some things are just better left out of the office…

 

wine 2