Should I change my name to Napkinabuser?

Before I go any further, if any of you so-called “green” people get on your pulpit and light up the comments section about me being wasteful or bad for the environment I’m gonna flip the fleck out. I’m not even kidding – I swear to God that I will print out “recycle this loser!!!” on every sheet of paper I can find and then proceed to throw the stack of them out my car window on the highway. Now that I got that out, let’s begin.


I can't stand all these "Green" people!


Today I took a stand against a growing epidemic and I hope you’ll join me as well. It’s gone on too long and I’m ready to start a revolution against the Napkin Dictators of the world. I am sick and tired of going to vehicular restaurants, or more specifically – the drive thru – and getting only one or two napkins with my order. It doesn’t matter which state it’s in or if it’s a Mc Donald’s, Wendy’s, or Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru – they will only give you one or two napkins no matter what you order. I asked for extra napkins today and the helpful associate handed me one additional napkin. “Really? That’s what extra napkins means to you?” I said and then I got a really dirty look and she handed me this stack without the pleasant smile that should have accompanied it:



Thank you smart ass – now that’s what I meant by extra napkins!


I went to the McDonald’s Drive Thru last weekend and got two combo meals, two drinks, and a McFlurry (No smartass, that wasn’t all just for me – And don’t interrupt me again!) but when I took everything out of the bag there was only one napkin. One napkin for all that – what is that? Can they be that regimented in their training and not be allowed to give out more than one napkin or is it just some sadist working the window waiting for me to soil my shirt? Forget about soup, Ronald McDonald is The Napkin Nazi!  


On my first date with my now wife, she was staring at me with this weird look on her face and finally asked “is something wrong?” “No, why?” I replied, having no idea what she was talking about. “Because you’re eating a single piece of pizza and you just used eleven napkins…And you’re eating it with a fork and knife.” I still didn’t get it – “What’s wrong with that?”  All these years later, she still doesn’t understand my little white serviette obsession…


I am a person that not only likes the napkins, I need them. I hoard them in my car, in my desk at work, in my laptop bag and just generally everywhere I go. It started as a precaution in case I shit my pants in the car again after the meal and just spiraled from there. I am clumsy and spill everything normally so it’s not like I don’t use all of the napkins I get anyway. I should actually get a holster for my Tide to Go Sticks because I use them more than I use my car keys. In terms of my Tide to Go sticks, I use my old college slogan: When in doubt, pull it out!


Me and my old college slogan...



So, I say to all the Drive Thru workers of the world – I’m on to you. I will not rest until every car gets their fair share of napkins! People, unite and stand with me to revolt against “The Man” trying to keeping us down (or dirty for that matter) because this is a travesty and it cannot go on – not on my watch anyway!



10 thoughts on “Should I change my name to Napkinabuser?

  1. It’s gotta be an environmental thing. Because I’ve noticed if you ask for ketchup, or salsa, or Arby’s sauce, they’ll throw about 46 of the little packets in your bag. Clearly they’re not watching the budget there!

    I’m all for a little common sense environmentalism, I try to recycle when I can. But this whole “saving paper” things is ridiculous. Unlike oil or coal we can grow more trees (there are actually more trees in the United States today than there were in the 18th century), and paper is biodegradable!


    • Stand up with me man! I didn’t even mention kids cause I”m such a mess, but you’re exactly right. How expensive can napkins be anyway? Is it a choice between the napkin bill and the electricity bill for the month? I don’t get it. I’m calling Ask Asa about this too!


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