Sweet brown

St. Patrick Swayze Day: To all my pasty white brothas and sistas – It’s our time!!!

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Goonies

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Like the Goonies said “It’s our time down here!” Today is the day that we unite and stand up; This is the one moment out of 365 long ass days in a year when our pasty white, ghost-like, pale complexions won’t get random stares and snickered at. You think you can go out in jeans and a sweatshirt today? Sweet Brown told ya people “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” This is the day where tacky doesn’t exist: Plastic bowler hat – Check. Green adhesive handlebar moustache – testify! Kelly green spandex booty shorts – Guilty as charged! In case you’re not familiar with the rules of fashion, the general rule of thumb with picking the right booty shorts for guys is to find the size that makes the indentation of your lucky charms so tight that you’ll need to lube yourself up with olive oil to get into them and then grab the next size down. Sure you’re risking cutting off circulation, but it’s not the pain that matters today…

sweet brown

Don’t scratch your head and look puzzled – you all hear me and know what I’m talking about. My people may be quiet and easily knocked down every other day, but our silent suffering and cries will not be heard today…If you’re like me and can’t go out of your house between April and October without an umbrella or a woman’s wide-brimmed hat to protect you from the sun – I’m talking about you. If the pallor of your skin only knows two shades: Albino pale and red-as-a-Smacked-Ass with nothing in-between – I’m talking to you brother! Dare I mention the most ridiculed and tortured of all God’s creatures on this planet – the Gingers? I hear your cries loudest of all my misunderstood flock of Red Robins! Stand up my brethren and let us tear some shit up out there! Until the break of midnight signals a brand new day, we will be the ghetto fabulous green gangstas out and about today.

sunburn from flash

If you’re interested in finding me today, I’m back from Chicago where they dyed the river last weekend and the whole city opened their arms and embraced my pale complexion like I was a rock star. Well, everyone except that homeless guy outside my hotel that called me crazy; but in his defense when a man sitting on a cardboard box living on the street calls YOU crazy – some serious self-reflection might be in order….

dyeing the river

Maybe I’ll see you out there tonight, I’ve pre-scheduled this post and am probably face down, ass up at my local watering hole right this very minute…You think I’m kidding? Here are some of my other shenanigans from my St. Patrick’s Day highlights reel…

CLICK HERE

AND

CLICK HERE

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Three Quick Things: KAPOOYAH!!! KAPOOYAH!!!

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Three Quick Things!!!
 KAPOOYAH – KAPOOYAH!!!

Three Things

1. Everyone knows I love me some Glozell and would “get me a cold pop” with Sweet Brown any day of the week – but Michelle Clark is my absolute new favorite baby girl! Words cannot accurately describe this, but suffice it to say that the new way to fame is not won on The Voice or American Idol, but local newscasts gone viral! And for those fitness fanatics looking for a good beat to run to at the gym, here’s the autotune remix now available on ITunes!!!

Glozell

2. An Oklahoma woman was arrested for trying to sell her kids on Facebook : Come on Misty! Everyone knows you do that on Craigslist, not Facebook!!!  

3. I have picked up a ton of new followers lately and they’re getting really heavy. While I put them down and rest for a moment, I wanted to highlight one that thinks my blog is “twisted and hilarious” which proves that he is obviously very smart. Peter Ellis wrote a post about possible memoir titles and hasn’t received a lot of appreciation for it which is a shameful oversight on so many levels. Click Here and let him know what you think of it. I might actually use number nine if I ever publish my memoirs!!! Well done Sir!!!

cold pop

You’ll Look Dope! This Ride was pre-owned by the Pope!

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popemobile 1

I know what you’re thinking “OH God! He’s talking about religion so it will be immature and offensive and he’s crazy and I’m insulted by that. Believe it or not, it is possible for me to have a mature discussion about a serious topic. This is not it, but I can have one if I wanted to…  

The Pope gave his last official address in front of 150,000 people in Rome. The Catholic part of me is sad that he’s retiring, but the selfish part of me is wondering how to ask if I can have his car…Just kidding, but I really do wonder – he gave up the Papacy for lent, does he have to give up the car too?

I’m actually being somewhat serious here – there is no better ride known to man than the Pope mobile. It’s a Mercedes – Boom! You always have a driver to take you wherever you want to go – Boom! You’re sitting in a very, very comfortable chair while you drive – Boom! Did I mention that it’s bulletproof and bomb-proof – Boom! Boom! You are cruising around like a true Superhero! If Batman had only been born a Catholic, it’s what he’d be driving.  

From a car-making perspective, the Pope mobile is universal. Call it the POMO for short and we’ve got a winner. That POMO is one sweet ride that appeals to all car-buying age groups. Teens and college students – is there a better car made today to Hotbox with your friends in? Married Couples – forget pulling the sheets over her head; this car was invented for the Spousal Dutch Oven! Menopausal women – you can change the heat and A/C back and forth and back and forth and back and forth as many times as you need to. Seniors and handicapped people – there’s a hydraulic lift in the back to get you into the chair. (That last part also works if you’re just lazy like me…)   

If you can't afford the souped-up POMO,This is the slightly lesser expensive model

If you can’t afford the souped-up Pope Mobile, here’s the slightly lesser expensive model

What about drive thru dining you may ask? Yes, you can still go. The helpful agents of obesity will just have to reach up a little bit higher to hand you that McRib sandwich and Shamrock Shake. No time to stop for food you say? Not to worry, because the upgraded POMO can be customized with a microwave installed right at your fingertips. There would be an additional cost for that, but isn’t your happiness worth it? Is there anything better than making popcorn or a Smart Ones entrée while you’re stuck in traffic on I-95? Yes – a cold pop for Sweet Brown! Good thing there’s a fridge in there next to that microwave! You can’t do that in your Prius! With all the publicity surrounding the Pope’s retirement lately, I’d wager to say that there are more than a few pimps out there that are considering trading their Escalades for some new wheels…

In terms of parking, do you classify the POMO as an SUV or a sedan? The height restriction can be cumbersome in an underground lot, but other than that? I guess you might need shades for a sunny day and you have to really watch out if you flip someone off in traffic, but you take the good with the bad.

Sweet brown

Worried about repairs and maintenance? Do you honestly think that there is an auto body shop out there that will screw over the pope mobile? You’ll get a fair estimate, only the necessary services, and honest repairs every time – never underestimate the power of Catholic guilt!

I can just imagine the inevitable Craigslist ad to sell it:

“You’ll look dope! This ride was pre-owned by the Pope!”

It’s gonna take more than a few Hail Mary’s to go from Hoopdie to Holy and park this bad boy in your garage. Serious inquiries only because the price is non-negotiable: Would you feel good about yourself trying to haggle with the holiest man on earth?

I do joke and make light of this, but I know that faith drives us and leads us through change. If the Catholic Church isn’t something you agree with and believe in – that’s fine too. It’s something I was brought up in and I can appreciate the history, the rituals, the ceremony and the splendor of it. Like politics, it’s not for everyone and I don’t force religion on anyone, so this is all in jest to bring about a smile in a cray cray world.