My foot surgery was more like General Hustle than General Hospital!

It’s a little known fact that while laid up recuperating on my couch in Sleepy Hollow, I pretty much invented the “binge-watching” movement along with my friend Li (The Chinese food Delivery Guy made famous by my Tony no Here post. I needed surgery because I’d broken my left ankle while playing volleyball and I was extremely worked up because I’d never broken anything before unless you count the record I smashed binge-watching all nine seasons of Dynasty!

 

dynasty

Without a doubt, the best show ever made!

 

Keep I mind that this wasn’t binging TV shows like it’s so easy to do nowadays with a million things available on Netflix or Amazon or Hulu or on your phone; this was me having to get every season of the show piecemeal on EBAY. Then when I finally got them (in the mail, mind you, which took forever), I tore through them non-stop like a rabid dog with a bone. I was laid up and laid out but finally they were gonna slice me open and fix me like The Six Million Dollar Man. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and if my life was a movie you’d faintly hear Michael Bolton singing along with me on the couch “When I’m back on my feet again…”

 

michael_bolton-when_im_back_on_my_feet_again_s

 

The day of the surgery, I was a bundle of crazy nerves and my normally neurotic self was on hyper-overload. I’d arrived armed with my wife and my sister for emotional comfort, two boxes of Imodium AD for gastric support, and a big black X drawn on my ankle for physical support and to make sure they didn’t cut open on the wrong foot. That may seem like an urban legend, but I wasn’t taking any chances. My surgical prep nurse, Nurse Ratched, took one look and needless to say, she was not amused with my sharpie skills and that was just the start of multiple things we wouldn’t see eye to eye on.

 

nurse ratched

 

It was an early morning surgery and I hadn’t eaten anything since midnight and was starving. My nervous stomach wasn’t playing nicely with all the butterflies and the painkillers I was on mixed with a splash of my ever-present Imodium AD. As the nurse was filling out the paperwork and asking me questions, she told me to remove my clothes. Obviously I thought this strange as it wasn’t a casting call for the Magic Mike sequel, just a random hospital examination room.

 

nurse meme 3

 

“Um, that’s OK, just the ankle getting done, so not really gonna get naked but thank you for the offer.” I said.

She was not very interested in discussing it. “You need to be completely undressed for surgery.”

“No, actually I don’t. Once again, thanks for the offer, but I’m having surgery on my ankle – why would I need to be naked? You know where the ankles are right? I can see taking off my socks and maybe my pants, but why would I possibly need to take off my underwear? I’m not taking my underwear off! What’s going on here?” I’m not a calm person normally, but this was starting to set me off.

 

nurse meme 2

 

“Listen Sir, if you don’t take your underwear off, we’re going to cut them off of you!”

“Listen lady, if I wake up and you’ve cut my underwear off, I’m cutting yours off next!”

“This is not optional, it’s not sanitary and you need to remove your clothes!”

 

never nude 2

 

The peanut gallery, and by that I mean my wife and sister, were not being very supportive or having my back at this point and really just trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness. My wife was like, “just take your contacts out and lay back and relax – you’ll feel better and it’ll be over soon.” It was just like what the masseuse told me before she massaged me and then proceeded to flick my testicle on our Honeymoon. Advice you should never take: “Just take your clothes off and listen.”

 

nurse meme 4

 

I was outnumbered and outgunned here, so I begrudgingly removed my clothes all the while picturing the conversation they’d be having about this up in the operating room over my listless body: “Why wouldn’t he take off his underwear? Is he a never-nude like Tobias? What’s with this big black X on his ankle? Poor little guy, he’s obviously a grower, not a shower.”

 

never nude

 

Either way, relaxed is not a word one would be using to describe me that day. As they came in to wheel me down the hallway to the butchers in the basement, I was contactless so everything was blurry which actually did make me feel better. They’d already administered the anesthesia, which also helped to make me groggy, and they told me to count down from 100 and off I’d go…My wife and sister were following the gurney down the hall telling me to relax when an orderly sidled up to the guy pushing me: “Hey Scott, are you heading downstairs? Will you drop this sample off at the lab on your way?” and he proceeded to gently place a bag on my stretcher. My wife and sister gasped and looked at each other in shock as I was squinting up a storm and trying to sit up and see if I was hallucinating with that clear plastic bag. “Is that shit? Is there shit in that bag? That looks like shit! Is that Sh…” and with that the anesthesia kicked in and I was knocked out! There was a bag of someone’s shit – someone’s shit – being transported on me like it was nothing! Literally, my nightmare came true and there wasn’t enough Imodium AD in the world to prevent that shit storm from getting me!

 

 

As I was coming to in the recovery room, my wife and sister got Nurse Ratched to tell her I was awake and I started babbling again as if someone had just pressed pause on me when the anesthesia kicked in: “There was shit on me! There was shit on me! I saw it – it was shit! There was shit on me!” My wife was saying I was crazy and trying to tell me that I must have been mistaken to reassure me and calm me down, but one look at my sister’s face told me it was definitely shit! The nurse thought I was having a reaction to the anesthesia and was concerned until my wife told her what my incoherent babbling was about. Needless to say, it was a shitty operation!

 

er

 

Only me right? I mean, who does that happen to? I go in for what was supposed to be routine surgery and they turned me into a fecal drug mule! I can’t help but feel like this wouldn’t have happened on ERGrey’s Anatomy maybe – but definitely not on ER…Where’s Julianna Margulies when you need her?

 

greys anatomy

For a smart guy, I’m actually pretty dumb at times: PART TWO

dumb yoda meme

 

Most people look back at something lthey’ve written five years ago and think about how they’ve grown and matured, but I look back at this and think: I haven’t learned one damn thing! I’m still the same stupid ass I always was, if not worse because I’m now older and more set in my ways. The one thing I do know for sure is that I still always think people are kidding with me and it still gets me into trouble every time.

 

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One would think after the countless times that I’ve embarrassed myself that I’d have learned a lesson or two, but the only thing I’ve learned is that of the senses I have – common sense isn’t one of them.

 

 

psycho - paths

 

One day at work, my boss ambled in to our morning meeting looking scattered and disheveled as usual, so I didn’t think anything of it. He looked up and paused before he said “Sorry I’m late, we had to have my wife committed last night.” Take that in and think about what a normal response to that should be. Now think what my reaction was. Apparently, its bad form and not the correct response to start laughing hysterically when someone shares that kind of personal information, but I truly didn’t realize he was being serious. He wasn’t a jokester or anything like that, but everyone has their moment now and then. Everyone was staring at me as if I was the crazy one, when I said “Oh right, my wife is nuts, should I commit her too?” Come to find out – the wife really was all sorts of crazy and he really did have her committed the night before. Of course I felt terrible when I realized he wasn’t kidding, I’m not an animal…but he did have to tell me three more times because I really thought he was playing around on a Monday morning. I mean, who says personal things like that in front of a moron like me? Thank God he was used to being around crazy at home so he didn’t hold a grudge against me.

 

april fools day meme

 

I won’t even get into the time that I didn’t believe that my uncle had committed suicide because it was April First. I got the call and was like “April Fool’s Day? Sure it’s real. Ha ha, jokes on you.” Never once did it occur to me that no one in their right mind (even my crazy, crazy sister) would ever joke about something like that. In my defense, I was also really wasted so my sister had to repeat it to me more than ten times before I took her seriously. I’m not proud of that, but it was April first and I was wasted and I mean, come on, it was April Fool’s Day – I’m not counting that one. I will admit though, it wasn’t a shining moment for my highlight real…

 

mr t april fools.png

 

Worse than that, if you can believe it, was the time I was at work and we had a new assistant named Miriam who was on her second day of work. Her second day of work and there she was, doubled over in pain at her desk. I’m pretty sure we can stop here and safely say that any person in the world with absolutely any sense whatsoever would have immediately stopped and called an ambulance, but of course, not me. I thought for sure that she was messing around. No joke, I was a hundred percent convinced that she was screwing with me. In hindsight, who in their right mind would kid around about that on their second day of work, but at that moment in time, I could have sworn that she was kidding. Here she is doubled over kneeling on the floor next to her desk and I was standing there grilling her – trying to “catch her” in the joke. She’s groaning in pain and says “Tony, I need an ambulance…I’m not sure what’s wrong with…” and I cut her off and I was like “Oh right…you’re not doing well…what happened? Did you eat in the employee cafeteria?” and was laughing to myself. She nodded yes and then I thought for sure she was kidding. It was right around then that she had started to attract a crowd of other people around who thankfully had a lot more sense than me and called an ambulance.

 

ambulance.png

 

I was trying to tell her to stop playing around because if they call the ambulance, there’s no turning back and they won’t think it’s funny if she’s fooling around, but all I got were confused looks and icy stares…it wasn’t until the paramedics finally showed up and as they were loading her onto the stretcher, they asked her who she wanted to go in the ambulance with her, that I started to almost believe that she might not be kidding after all. She looked at them and then at me with fear and concern, and then she shot me the look that told me very loud and clear that there was absolutely no way she wanted me to go with her, and she chose Lauren instead. Obviously a smart move. I wasn’t officially offering to go, but if she would have requested me, how could I say no. Even I’m not that mean.

 

i am not a smart man

 

I’m not proud to say, that even after seeing her rolled out on that stretcher moaning in pain, that for some odd reason I still didn’t really, one hundred percent believe that she wasn’t kidding until Lauren called from the hospital a few hours later to say that Miriam was being prepped for surgery. Apparently, it was really serious and she needed to have her gall bladder removed because it had ruptured. Picture me with egg on my face as everyone was mad at me as if it were my fault and I was the one that ruptured that gall bladder. I did feel terrible when I heard that and then I felt even worse when her husband called me to apologize because she’d have to be out of work for a week or two and he wanted to tell me how sorry she was for this happening at work on day two. I could not apologize enough and reassure him that it was OK, but I’m sure he was thinking what an ass I was the whole time.

 

 

Injured man sees that he is being taken to the 'No Biggie Room', as opposed to the 'Emergency Room.

After that incident, we actually had to institute the use of a safe word at work which I will circle back and talk about another time. I would like to say that a lot of people that I worked with needed the safe word to know when something was serious, but I’m pretty sure it really was just for me…I bet a lot of people have this happen to them, but since I was in charge of the department, apparently, I should have been an example and come to find out – it’s frowned upon when the boss is an idiot and can’t recognize that someone in distress obviously needs medical attention. I’d like to say that I have learned my lesson, but I wouldn’t hang around me if you’re not feeling well. After all, I am the same idiot my wife had to tell ten times that she was in labor after her water broke, because I thought she was kidding around. In fairness to me, it was during a hurricane where we had no power and it was storming like mad outside, so I thought for sure that she was messing with me. Apparently, a lot of women don’t really play jokes when they’re in labor…Point taken.

 

how stupid you sound

 

Hopefully in five more years, I won’t be revisiting another debacle I caused because I didn’t believe someone, but odds are pretty set against me learning any lessons or gaining any insight into the inner workings of a normal mind. Be careful folks and if you’re friends with me, be extra careful as my stupidity knows no bounds…

 

you are not so smart

My life story