CelebriTuesdays: Oh Mo She Didn’t! Beat me with a hairbrush and call me Precious – I met Mo’Nique!!!



Dreams come true people, dreams come true. Last week, I sent a message out to the universe to meet Mo’Nique the Oscar winner from Precious, and just like in The Secret, they sent her to me. OK, full disclosure, I did ask the universe to also have her hit me and call me Precious while she was pummeling me, but sometimes you can’t be greedy and just getting a picture is enough. More importantly, I want you to take every single thing you have heard about Mo’Nique and toss it aside because I’m here to tell you that this woman is really awesome!


technology 2

I’m a nightmare because technology is no friend of mine and by technology I really mean the complicated things to manage such as the camera on your phone. When I say this, I’m not exaggerating and as my friend Forrest said “I’m not a smart man.” I literally have no right to ever make fun of my mother-in-law for not being able to cut and paste when I can’t even work the damn camera on my phone. I have taken thousands of photos and still, I get myself into a state of confusion and even the simplest of pictures goes off the rails and looks like shit or doesn’t take. You may be reading this and wondering how it relates to Mo’Nique, but it does.




When you meet a famous person and they agree to take a photo with you, it’s not like you have an endless amount of time – they’re not going to stand around and wait all day. Your friends wouldn’t stand around and wait, so you can’t expect that a stranger will either. You have to be ready for the picture and most importantly, you need to be respectful of their time as this is an awesome thing they’re doing which they really don’t have to! That being said, I had a technological breakdown of sorts and of course it happened when it was my turn with Mo’nique. OK, that last bit just sounded a little dirtier than I meant it to, but you know what I’m getting at and thankfully there’s No’Nique to worry about mechanical issues with that equipment if you know what I’m saying 😉



If only I was this cool…



Anyway, as I walked over with the crowd of people asking for pictures, Mo’Nique could not have been nicer. She was hanging out, chatting everyone up, hugging everyone, just not in a rush and making sure that everyone got a picture with her. She was smiling and kind and seriously, just a sweetie. I have been doing this long enough to know when someone doesn’t want to be bothered and she was awesome. So there she is, taking nice pictures with everyone and there was a bunch of people around; TMZ was waiting to interview her and her bodyguard was trying to get her to their car – when it was finally my turn…


cool dude.gif


I’m almost embarrassed to share this video as I usually like you to think I’m a pretty cool dude, but it’s worth a good chuckle to see how flustered I got and what a fool I actually look and sound like. Pay attention to the facial expressions on the girl in the background waiting her turn and just looking at me like I’m such a moron. When it was finally my turn, I suddenly got flustered and all worked up because the camera on my phone was on video – not photo – and I couldn’t get it to switch back or take the picture. I thought for sure I’d miss my chance and that my Precious moment was over before it had even started. I could see the annoyed looks on the faces of the people waiting around me and actually having been in their shoes before, I know how it is to not get a photo because someone was taking too long with camera issues. Mo’Nique could have just blown me off and walked away and she probably should have, but she didn’t. She was really nice and truthfully, she probably thought I was slow or something was definitely wrong with me since little children can use camera phones without issue and here was an adult that couldn’t even snap a simple God Damn photo. It was as if it was the first time I’d ever seen a camera phone…



I’m not saying it was like when I was mistaken for a retarded person twice, but the looks on crowd’s faces were similar.  She was like “OK Baby” and then she was like “Are you sure? Come on” and then she came back over to me after taking someone else’s picture and took one with me. Success! Seriously thought, it was very cool of her to do that and people don’t normally care if you got a picture or not. They’re usually rushing to get to their next appearance and basically, it’s really awkward to stand around with strangers gawking and snapping pictures.


Mo'Nique 2


This was a semi-disaster, but luckily it worked out. It was my own hubris biting me in the ass as I was starting to feel confident that my photography skills had been improving, and then another stumble. You may look at some of my photos and think they’re not half bad, but here’s a few you haven’t seen:



I’m lucky I can work the remote for our television, so I’m not expecting anything artistic or even trying filters, but a person should be able to at least get a decent shot of two people standing next to each other. I mean come on – it’s actually getting worse now. Look at these – just how does someone try for a selfie with Seal and end up with a picture of their shoe? Or sidle up to Taron Egerton for a shot and end up with a picture of Grey Man the good ghost? It’s like I don’t have control of my faculties or my fingers…just pathetic photo skills.



I appreciate her being nice and spending a little time with me, especially since Mo’Nique has been getting a bad rap lately with Netflix trying to pay her less than other comedians for a Stand-up special. I say, who cares what you were thinking Netflix – this is a PR nightmare and, more importantly, she’s an Oscar Winner! Mo’Nique needs to have her Golden Globe made into a giant ring like something Elizabeth Taylor would have worn and turn that Oscar into a headpiece like they wear to Ascot so she can rock them and remind Netflix that if a woman of color can beat the odds and make it all the way to the podium at the Academy Awards, skimping out on paying her fairly is not gonna fly!




I’ve only had this one interaction with her, but she left a great impression with me and the crowd – she was sweet and so patient with everyone (ahem, me). Some of the other people getting pictures have met her before and said that she’s been a sweetheart every single time they’ve seen her. Of course, there are always two sides to every story, but cut her some slack and give her the benefit of the doubt. Also, Netflix pay the woman what she’s worth! If for no other reason than it’s the right thing to do, please do it because she will whup your ass like Precious if you don’t!


CelebriTuesdays: Tatiana Maslany Fade to Orphan Black – this is my WORST selfie yet!


Tatiana Maslany was promoting the movie Stronger and I just wish my facial composure had been a little stronger. I couldn’t have been more excited about seeing her as I’m a huge fan: she’s captivating on Orphan Black, made you forget about Helen Mirren in Woman in Gold and is heartbreaking in Stronger, but you want to hear about heartbreaking? Look at how bad my selfie with her is!



Me and Tati 2

How does someone take a photo like this?




I finally get to meet this force of nature and my camera fought back! These pictures are awful! It’s not my usual making a bad face kind of awful – it’s a “what’s wrong with your face” and “why is your head so shiny” kind of bad. My selfies have never been great, and some were even OK – but this is by far the worst one I’ve ever taken. I was so nervous because Tatiana makes my Maslany feel all kinds of wonderful, but I just couldn’t pull it together to snap effectively.



Me and Tati 1

A little bit better, but what’s wrong with my face? 




She walked up and I said I was a huge fan and asked if she’d take a photo with me. She said sure and as I was snapping away, I could actually see how bad they looked and I freaked out…”Wait…Wait…its blurry…Wait…its blurry!” She walked on and headed to her car as I chased after to beg for a better shot together – but she was gone.



Getting in car 1

Wait – don’t go…




The kicker of our run-in, was not only that she looks amazing and I look like complete and utter shit – that’s beside the point. I’ve basically come to accept that this is my face and there’s very little I can do about it, but this was ridiculous. The kicker is that in addition to looking like there’s something wrong with me; look at how big she looks next to me! Talk about kicking me when I’m down! The woman is 5’4” for Christ’s sake and she’s wearing converse! Where is that God damn leg lift coming from? I’m 5’7” but look like Webster next to her – It’s like I’m in the upside down over here…



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And just like that, she took her starry starry night jacket and left me with only a memory…



As quickly as it happened – it was over. She was Tati-outta there and my dreams were dashed as she went off to get a Mas-latte from Starbucks…



OB characters

The different faces of Tatiana Maslany on Orphan Black. If you haven’t seen her Emmy winning urn on this show yet – change that immediately!




CelebriTuedays: Taylor Hicks on me he picks…



In case you haven’t realized it yet, I take my stalk lunch break in the afternoon and have now made a few friends that actually do it full time. As I was chatting it up with them, one of those stalker buddies said “I can’t believe you don’t want to ask for a picture with an American Idol?” (He won season 5 for those that aren’t part of the Soul Patrol which is his posse of fans and not to be confused with Paw Patrol which are just puppies that protect Adventure Bay.)



soul patrol not paw patrol

I said Soul Patrol – not Paw Patrol!

“What are you talking about? Where?”



“That’s Taylor Hicks.”


Apparently, I was asleep at the switch again and needed a map to look over as he was just casually walking by. (He’d already gotten a picture with Taylor earlier on his way into visit the Sirius studios)


“Excuse me, would you mind taking a picture with me?” I asked and put my phone on selfie mode and he looked at me, smiled and then said “Why don’t I take it instead? I’m much taller so it’ll look better.”


Taylor Hicks


OK, so no one likes a smart ass Taylor, but full disclosure (and I’m quoting the scholar Mona Lisa Vito here) you were “dead on balls accurate!” He actually is much taller than me and the picture really does look better than some of the selfies I’ve taken. OK, it looks better than pretty much all of the selfies I’ve taken even though I look like someone stole my toupee and ran off.


My Normal Selfie

Here’s how my normal selfies look – NOT my best angle!!! I’d like to blame this on the phone, but I think it might be time for some selfie training.



This might be a new selfie strategy for me instead of carrying around a kid’s potty stool to stand on – I might just ask the taller person take the photo from now on. Granted, not everyone is as cool as Taylor was to stay and chat, but I’m gonna try. The last thing I need is for another picture to come out looking like this one of me and NBA star Jason Collins:



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I mean come on – it looks like he’s babysitting me! I’m standing up nice and tall in my big boy shoes and I’m still not even nipple height! 



Short apparently isn’t my only problem: one of the ladies I work with took one glance at the picture of us and said “how is it that this guy who’s full grey looks so much better? At least this picture looks better than your usual ones.” I guess it’s just the universe’s way of reminding me that being funny is a reward unto itself. Or at least that’s what I’ll say when I cry myself to sleep at night…Either way Taylor, thank you and here’s to hoping they end up making you a judge on the new American Idol reboot!



Get his new album in stores now

New single available now!





CelebriTuesdays: Pablo Pascal is my Narcos pal, but I think I might have Hoult Nicholas’ feelings


Pablo car 2 use

No, that bald guy isn’t me – I’m taking the picture!


It was my very own Sophie’s Choice: Pablo Pascal and Nicholas Hoult were coming my way, but I’d only be able to get one photo as they weren’t right next to each other. It had to be a lightning quick decision, so I went with the Narcos and Game of Thrones star!


narcos poster


Full disclosure, I’ve never actually seen Game of Thrones and please don’t tell me that I’m missing out because I see so many sword fights, incestuous monarchs, and scary dragons in my everyday life that I want escapism on the shows I watch. It’s like when I tell people the only seafood I eat is Swedish Fish and then they tell me that it’s because “you haven’t tried my salmon” or “you don’t even eat Lobster?” No thanks, I’m good – don’t try to convince me or force it on me – I said no to your fish and no to your Game!



Nicholas Hoult has been in the X-Men movies, the new Rebel in the Rye movie I want to see, but he’s probably more famous for dating Jennifer Lawrence. I’m a fan and I like his movies, but I can’t help but feel like he owes me ten dollars for my Mad Max: Fury Road movie ticket. Just like Charlize Theron, I was Furiosa and really hated that movie so I didn’t feel that I could let him pass by without mentioning it and went with Pablo. Although, if he and Jennifer Lawrence were still dating, I would have forgiven him and let that ten dollars slide by choosing him for a picure…


sophie's choice

Wow, I can see why it was so hard for Meryl to choose…



I did feel bad, but here’s a tiny bit of him to Hoult you over – he’s in the upper right hand corner of the picture so I did kinda get a picture with him:




Just in the Nick of time – he’s in the right corner.



Either way, another day – another sighting, but seriously – can we talk about my selfie game? I mean look at this:


Pablo bad selfie face


It’s awful…to the untrained eye, this doesn’t look like a celebrity encounter with a fan, but a colonoscopy on the street. One initially wonders what he’s doing with his right hand that has me in such distress.  I texted my sister afterwards and her immediate response was did he shove his fist up your ass? What’s wrong with your face? Glad to know that I can always count on my family to make me feel better.  Enough is enough with these weird pictures. It genuinely looks like something is wrong with me and I need to enroll in an online selfie school. Any suggestions?



alive and well

Thanks a Latte for your devotion to the show.