I thought I’d get Harry Smotter when I read the books, but I’m just as Dumbledore as before…

 
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My sons have been devouring the Harry Potter books at record pace and although I tried to fight it, they’ve cast a spell on me too. I know, I’m twenty years late to the party, but punctuality was never my strong suit. I’ve seen the movies since I see everything nominated for the Oscars and they finally won their lucky 13th try with Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. There was never a reason I hadn’t read the books before now and I gotta tell you – I had some unresolved issues…

 

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As we tore through page by page, chapter by chapter, and then finished each and every book, I kept assuming they’d finally address the elephant in the room – the most important overlooked part of the whole saga – but, much to my dismay, they never did. One day when J.K. Rowling and I are sharing tea and crumpets, I’ll her how amazing and creative her books are and then work up the nerve to ask her: we’re talking about the greatest sorcerer’s the world has ever known. One’s even so powerful that we literally can’t even mention his name without people trembling in fear, but no one knows a spell for Lasik? It’s bad enough that this kid has a lightning bolt scar on his head forcing him to grow out that bowl haircut to try and hide it, but then you go and give him those glasses too? I mean come on, there’s no Lenscrafters at Hogwarts? If not Lasik, how about we get this kid some contacts? I don’t know – that just doesn’t sit right with me.

 
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Does anyone else confuse the Oscar wining star of Whiplash with this fantastic writer or is it just me? Apparently J.K. is the new trendy name like Mary or Joseph (not THE Mary and Joseph, just a lot of kids with those names). There’s J.K. Rowling, J.K. Simmons, J.K. Schaffer (former Cincinnati Bengals player), J.K. Dobbins (football Player for Ohio State Player), J.K. Scott (Green Bay Packers – another football player?). I mean come on – I just can’t keep em straight anymore – It’s only a matter of time before there’s a J.K. Kardashian or Cardi J.K.! I’m gonna change my name to J.K. Immodium Abuser as it’s obviously key to the success that’s eluded me so far!

 

 


Speaking of confusion – the Rita Skeeter character is obviously based on Skeeter from The Muppets and I approve! Skeeter was so underappreciated and Scooter always got all the attention…Twins my ass, they forgot about Dre, she always got the shaft so I’m glad that J.K. found a way to honor Skeeter here!

 

 

 

I won’t go through every book and storyline, but I do wanna give a shout out to one part of the saga that really touched me deep – it’s very rare that I find an author who can speak right to my soul and I gotta give props when it happens! I read that page and it’s so eerie – it’s like she was speaking directly to me and only me! It’s in The Half Blood Prince, Chapter 11 which for some odd reason is called Hermione’s Helping Hand, which sounds very dirty to write in a kid’s book and could actually be the next Stormy Daniel’s film if we don’t stop publishing her exploits in the tabloids. Either way – here’s a screen shot of the page and J.K. was not Just Kidding when she wrote this – it’s her message to the Immodium Abusers out there to let us know that she sees us and hears us and for god’s sake, she describes the harsh reality of my life when she talks about U-No-Poo!

 

 

 

I mean it’s obvious that they’d have Imodium at Hogwarts! He who shall not be named is literally scaring the shit out of half the students and you don’t think everyone’s doubling up on U-No-Poo? Ron is a nervous kid normally, so he’s definitely taking as much if not more than me with those scary adventures! For the love of God – someone better tell Harry Potter he should take some too! Kid, they’re not gonna call time out during the match when you Quidditch your pants up on that broom!

 

 

U-No-Poo! Apparently, it’s not just the muggles who get the gastric struggles! She writes about being purple in the face and straining and it’s just like “Stop it J.K., you had me at Hello!” Full disclosure, I’m not normally in the common room or at mealtime when I’m straining like that because I won’t be able to Hagrid-and-bear-it. Also, I’ll need a new set of robes and they’ll change the name of the class to Defense Against the Dark Sharts if I’m not careful in there.

 

 

 

So since my kids now have the costumes, wands, movies, and Legos, our house is becoming as crazy as Bellatrix’s hair. It’s hard to surprise them anymore, but I’ve found the perfect thing for them: Hogwarts bedding! They’re gonna be kicking the sheets out of those Death Eaters and they’ll be Slytherin under the covers this winter warm as can be now that I have these! Super Dad to the Rescue!

 

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Follow here to get Harry Potter set or many other kids – check it out:  https://www.latestdeals.co.uk/tags/duvet

 

 

If you’re looking for your own set, click the link to follow and get your own. Since they’re Harry Potter themed – you should get them from the UK to be official, but even if you’re not into Harry Potter, they have other sets too. You can always go with Soccer themed, Holiday themed or Teletubbies – which randomly is my wife’s pet name for me. I’m all for fun shit in the bedroom to help have fun dreams so my wife and I actually have the Teletubbies set on our bed! Just kidding – she’d never let me try to get frisky on top of her Tinky-Winky – so we went with a normal set! Make the bedrooms in your house relaxing and fun and you’ll sleep like a baby…or you’ll get frisky and make a baby! Just don’t name it J.K. because there are just too damn many of them to keep track of!

 

 

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This is where the Magic happens…

 

Get Out: I, Tonya is more like I, Oscar as the nominations announcement takes Shape!

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Forget about the Government shutdown or any of those nimrods running this country like a second-rate car wash and prioritize what’s important: Tuesday morning’s Oscar nominations announcement! This year’s race has been all over the place and exciting because there’s not one movie running away with everything – the critic’s prizes have been all over the place so Best Picture isn’t necessarily sewn up just yet.

 

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Forget Christmas or New Year’s – Oscar Season is the most wonderful time of the year! If you don’t agree then you can just Get Out? If you had told me a year ago that this little horror movie would be an Oscar nominee – I’d have told you to get out, but in just a few hours it most certainly will be! I don’t know if I’ll get a Best Picture nomination, but it’s a really great film that’s sure to be recognized tomorrow.

 

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I’m not one to launch into a checklist of all the categories with who I think will be nominated because that’s boring and that’s typical and I am neither of those things. We’ll jump around, but let’s talk Best Director. Do I think Lady Bird will get a Best Picture nomination – definitely. Do I think Greta Gerwig will get a Best Director nomination for it? I’m really hoping that I’m wrong, but unfortunately, I’m leaning towards no. Not because she doesn’t deserve it or she shouldn’t be nominated; I want to be wrong on this but I’m leaning towards no based on Oscar history. At this point, I don’t know that there’s anything to stop Guillermo del Toro from winning for The Shape of Water, but the Director’s Branch doesn’t go with the popular vote for their nominations and that’s especially true recently.

 

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It may seem odd to overlook the front runner to one of the most talked about films this year, but there are only five spots and this is an old boys club that might just stick with the veterans like Spielberg and Ridley Scott over newer directors like Greta Gerwig or Jordan Peele. Also, there have only been four women nominated for Best Director and only one female winner. In 90 Years – how is that even possible? That fact in itself is hard to ignore and pushes me towards a Gerwig snub Tuesday morning…

 

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If snubbing Greta Gerwig seems absolutely crazy, remember that this is the same Director’s branch that didn’t give Martin Scorcese a Best Director Oscar until The Departed in 2006! Take that in folks – Eminem was an Oscar winner for 8 Mile years before Martin-effin-Scorcese! Shameful as that is, Christopher Nolan has never even been nominated for Best Director – this nomination for Dunkirk will be his first! This is one branch of the Academy that doesn’t seem to go with emotions or what the public does like the acting branch. In fact, in recent years the Best Director hasn’t even lined up with the Best Picture winner which, historically, was never the case.

 

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Remember how great it was when Kathryn Bigelow stormed the stage for The Hurt Locker to win Best Director? That was an anomaly. She was snubbed for Zero Dark Thirty shortly after in the same year that be Affleck was snubbed for Argo – which actually won Best Picture! How the hell does the film winning Best Picture not get a nomination for Best Director? Affleck’s snub was the best thing that happened to Argo; it made them the underdog and they ran on a “shame on you for not nominating Ben Affleck” campaign which gained momentum and won the trophy. That could certainly happen with Lady Bird if Gerwig isn’t nominated tomorrow – it would up the chances in a race that’s not over by a long shot and march Lady Bird right up to the podium!

 

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Along with the snubs are the surprise nominations that come along every now and then; there are always a few head scratchers that seem to just come out of nowhere and I love them. Last year, Amy Adams was snubbed for Arrival which I didn’t love and then her costar Michael Shannon came out of nowhere and got nominated for Nocturnal Animals which he could do again with The Shape of Water. It’s a film that everyone has seen so he could possibly hear his name called if the film builds momentum. It’s extremely doubtful for so many reasons but just know that if he hears his name, Woody Harrelson or Armie Hammer definitely won’t.

 

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Both The Shape of Water and Three Billboards will have three acting nominations but Sam Rockwell – it’s about damn time! Three Billboards will be the first film since Bugsy in 1992 with two supporting actors nominated for the same film. Those nominations are givens, but although quite unlikely, it’s entirely possible for Jessica Chastain in Molly’s Game to sneak into Meryl Streep’s The Post spot and Daniel Day Lewis might not get the love people are expecting for Phantom Thread leaving an open spot for Daniel Kaluuya for Get Out.

 

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My big wish for the nominations is to see some love for Mudbound and The Big Sick and not just because I met Kumail Nanjiani and he’s awesome. I don’t think Mary J Blige is gonna make the cut for a Supporting Actress for Mudbound, so I’m rooting for her in the Best Original Song category! Mudbound is a great film, with a great story and a great cast that just happens to be written and directed by Dee Rees and I hope it gets the recognition it deserves. It should land a screenplay nod tomorrow, but getting a Best Picture nomination would be amazing, but it’s a very long shot.

 

 

 

If you think the race is over, consider that final Oscar voting closes on February 27th and the ceremony isn’t until March 4th – that is a lifetime away from now in Oscar campaigning and although Three Billboards has momentum right now, it’ll be hard to maintain that for the next month; I, Tonya could club the competition and surge up to a prime spot between now and then.

 

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