CelebriTuesdays: Pablo Pascal is my Narcos pal, but I think I might have Hoult Nicholas’ feelings

September 19, 2017September 19, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

No, that bald guy isn’t me – I’m taking the picture!

It was my very own Sophie’s Choice: Pablo Pascal and Nicholas Hoult were coming my way, but I’d only be able to get one photo as they weren’t right next to each other. It had to be a lightning quick decision, so I went with the Narcos and Game of Thrones star!

Full disclosure, I’ve never actually seen Game of Thrones and please don’t tell me that I’m missing out because I see so many sword fights, incestuous monarchs, and scary dragons in my everyday life that I want escapism on the shows I watch. It’s like when I tell people the only seafood I eat is Swedish Fish and then they tell me that it’s because “you haven’t tried my salmon” or “you don’t even eat Lobster?” No thanks, I’m good – don’t try to convince me or force it on me – I said no to your fish and no to your Game!

Nicholas Hoult has been in the X-Men movies, the new Rebel in the Rye movie I want to see, but he’s probably more famous for dating Jennifer Lawrence. I’m a fan and I like his movies, but I can’t help but feel like he owes me ten dollars for my Mad Max: Fury Road movie ticket. Just like Charlize Theron, I was Furiosa and really hated that movie so I didn’t feel that I could let him pass by without mentioning it and went with Pablo. Although, if he and Jennifer Lawrence were still dating, I would have forgiven him and let that ten dollars slide by choosing him for a picure…

Wow, I can see why it was so hard for Meryl to choose…

I did feel bad, but here’s a tiny bit of him to Hoult you over – he’s in the upper right hand corner of the picture so I did kinda get a picture with him:

Just in the Nick of time – he’s in the right corner.

Either way, another day – another sighting, but seriously – can we talk about my selfie game? I mean look at this:

It’s awful…to the untrained eye, this doesn’t look like a celebrity encounter with a fan, but a colonoscopy on the street. One initially wonders what he’s doing with his right hand that has me in such distress. I texted my sister afterwards and her immediate response was did he shove his fist up your ass? What’s wrong with your face? Glad to know that I can always count on my family to make me feel better. Enough is enough with these weird pictures. It genuinely looks like something is wrong with me and I need to enroll in an online selfie school. Any suggestions?

Thanks a Latte for your devotion to the show.

CelebriTuesdays:Vivica A Fox gave my heart some shocks!!!

September 12, 2017September 12, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Yes, Vivica’s blowing a kiss to me. No, that is not the Psychic I go to across the street!

Vivica A Fox is one foxy mama! She looks good in pictures, she looks great in person, the camera loves her plus she’s confident, sweet, and funny – case closed! I was so excited to see her last week while she was promoting her new movie True to the Game on The Today Show and I’ve tried to practice my selfie face, but I’m not there yet; I’ve been told that I have the face for email and it shows more and more with the pictures I take. I should just let the pics speak for themselves, but here are a few more fascinating things about Vivica: she’s killing it while stealing Taraji’s spotlight as Crazy Candace on Empire, she was Maya on Generations way back in the day, and she also happens to smell like a little spritz of sage, confidence, & sunshine all blended together!

Here’s the video of her leaving

On a rare serious note, Politicians can certainly mean a great deal to us and significantly influence our lives. As so many before her, a strong woman that’s devoted her life to public service has inspired Ms. Fox and just like her favorite politician Selena Meyer does – Vivica’s got a bag man!!! (If you don’t watch Emmy Award winner Veep and don’t know what I’m talking about – immediately binge it now). I think I found my dream job and I’ve already got it up on my vision board – I’ll be clutching that bag for her by New Year’s Day!

You in the baseball cap – step away from the bag!

As you can imagine, her and I have a lot in common, but in case you didn’t know about our most important link: she had a movie out in July called Fat Camp and my exploits working at a fat camp are legendary. We’re practically besties now! What a small world!

We’re all bonded over Fat Camp…

I’m trying not to let it go to my head, but I was in a photo in The Daily Mail with Vivica last week. Ok, so only one of my pant legs and my messenger bag were actually shown with her, but it’s certainly a start…You gotta start somewhere!

Recognize me over to the left? That’s me and my bag!!! Way to go Daily Mail! I hope the notoriety doesn’t go to my head…

Vivica A Fox on The Today Show

CelebriTuesdays: 1, 2, 3 – another Faith saw me!!! Faith Evans completed my Trifecta!!!

September 5, 2017September 5, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

As most people do, I have an Ice Trifecta (Ice T, Ice Cube, & Vanilla Ice) and an all-important Faith Trifecta (Faith Evans, Faith Hill, & Faith Prince) of people that I’ve been dying to meet. I’ve been stuck in a holding pattern with both (having met two of the three in each bracket) and I never thought I’d complete my Faith Trifecta, but I finally did it: I met Faith Evans!!! Two of the three Ice’s have been very cool, but all three Faith’s were so amazing and awesome that Mr. Ice better bring his A game when he meets me! Have a little faith, I’ll revisit the others later on…

I caught up with Faith Evans and she was seriously, so awesome! I was just walking by, minding my little own business like I do, when she walked up…Or, one might say I was stalking the building she was coming out of like a lunatic. The guy in front of me walked up and asked if he could snap a picture and she said of course. He was “of a certain age when technology probably isn’t his best friend” although I’m no techie either that should be throwing stones. Faith waited patiently posing with him, for what seemed like forever, as he fiddled with the camera telling her to say cheese repeatedly. Unbeknownst to him, while he was posing up a storm working on his big boy smile for her, he had his phone on video the whole time, and he kept pushing the red button to snap a picture while he was recording video not realizing he wasn’t taking a picture. He hit that button so many times, I’m not even sure he was recording either. I can only imagine what all of those one-second videos look like…

Faith nicely tried to tell him twice that he was recording – not taking a picture. He either wasn’t listening because he was so caught up in the moment with her or he just didn’t get it, so by the third time, she took the camera out of his hand. She switched from video to photo and then looked at him and said “We’re gonna need to get someone else to take this, you can’t do it.” It was hysterical and priceless and we were all hysterical laughing. She handed off his camera so he was finally able to get a snap with her. Win, win for everyone. It was so awesome and she was just so funny; such a sweetie about it whereas any other number of celebs would never have been that patient with anyone.

Faith-Evans-Notorious-BIG-The-King-And-I-2017-billboard-1548

She chatted and took a few pictures with me and I, of course, gave her an immodiumabuser business card which she thought was hysterical. She was like “your name isn’t on it, what’s your name?” so of course I filled her in and gave her all the deetz. She was spending her time taking an interest in me which was just so awesome. Who does that? She was cool and kind and just hung out there in the moment with us like a boss. It’s as if she could tell how much this tiny little moment of her time would mean to us and how huge is that? She was funny and in charge and had an awesome hat that I desperately wanted to try on because a bald man always looks better in a hat – any hat!

Seriously, I have met a lot of celebrities and not many have been as cool as that. Actually, I’ll go into it another time but of everyone I’ve met – the Faith’s have it. Ms. Evans could have just gotten in her car and walked by as I’m sure she had more interesting things to do than discover my Imodium Abusing secret

, but she was working the crowd and making people’s day left and right. Very cool!

Unlike CNN, I didn’t confuse Faith Evans with Faith Hill: I’ll just leave this awkward bit of ridiculousness right here. CNN tweeted that Faith Hill would be releasing an album of duets with The Notorious BIG 20 years after his murder and both ladies took the nonsense and turned it into something nonsensational!!! So cool, although I think they need to seriously work a remix with both Faith’s & Biggie!

Faith Evans reaction

Faith Hill reaction

This would be an awesome duet!

Seriously, how cool would I look in this hat? Maybe a fedora is the next stop for me…

CelebriTuesdays: My fight with Floyd Mayweather!

August 29, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

I didn’t actually realize that there’d be a fight this weekend as I didn’t hear a peep about it anywhere. I’m so amazed that none of my 5,000 friends on Facebook even talked about it – especially because I seem to know such boxing experts.

OK, obviously I’m kidding around because I really am very lucky to be friends with such boxing aficionados. The non-stop barrage of memes and posts and then the begging for any way to get out of paying to watch the fight (so not ghetto at all) that I’d forgotten about when I had my tussle with Floyd Mayweather.

Don’t mind me, just stalking here in the window. As you were…

Full disclosure, I never really had a tussle with Mayweather so much as I had to hustle which rhymes with tussle, which is a pretty close distinction in my book. After hearing about the Mayweather – McGregor fight relentlessly, my wife said “didn’t you see him on the street?” and I was like “No, where would I see him – Macy’s? as if we run in the same circles totally forgetting that in fact, we do. I was leaving work one day and stumbled upon a massive crowd while he was out jewelry shopping in NYC. As most people do, he was just trying to blend in nonchalantly like an everyday guy out shopping. No one might have even noticed him except for the crowd of paparazzi with cameras and his gigantic posse of security. I mean gigantic in the number of security members and size of said guards. It was like he had his very own Grizz and Dot Com – TIMES TEN.

I’m really not one to question anyone’s physical abilities – especially considering the fact that I’m about as tough as a third grade girl on crutches – but I thought he was a pretty tough dude and he was traveling with more security than certain government dignitaries.

I’m not the most alert person in the world, but seeing a crowd of about a hundred people staring into the window of a jewelry store gave me a hint that someone was around, but I couldn’t tell who it was. All I could see through the big crowd of people jockeying for position was those security guards and glimpses of his big sunglasses which were totally unnecessary for a January afternoon by the way. The lady next to me told me what was going on with a sneer, as if I should be able to readily identify anyone with no line of sight through a big crowd like that; another reason to wish I had that bionic eye like Colonel Steve Austin. The stalker in me went into stealth mode, and repeated the mantra my training instilled in me: What would Mr. T do?

With Mr. T in my corner, I’m unstoppable! No fools will be pitied today!

As Floyd was leaving the store, I hit the pavement bobbing and weaving like him on Saturday night to get through the crowd. I ducked, I dodged, I zigged, zagged then ran to the corner – just like my training taught me. Side note: by “my training”, I mean repeat viewings of Mr. T’s iconic performance as Clubber Lang in Rocky III. As fast as I was, Mayweather rushed out quickly and he wasn’t stopping. No one, and I mean no one, was getting close enough to get a picture with him so I had to settle for my patented chase and snap. I got a few pics and actually was close enough to hear him chatting up the reporters, but he didn’t get a real interaction with me which we can all agree was a big loss for him that day!

So as we digest and regurgitate last weekend’s fight until all of my Facebook boxing experts move on to their next area of expertise – Texas flooding and destruction – let’s remember that if only I talked smack and possibly got closer to pop him in the chops right there on Fifth Avenue, I could have gotten my ass kicked last week in Vegas and scored a huge payday.

Newsflash: I still hate birds!!!

August 27, 2017August 27, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

This is when that nasty bird was starting to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Notice how calm and polite my brother’s bird is…He’s like Doctor Doolittle over there!

In case you didn’t know, I really freaking hate birds. If you’re a disciple of my Imodium Abusing cult, this isn’t news to you. If it is new, take a look at these examples of how the bird world has been systematically banding together in a worldwide avian conspiracy to torment me. This might sound paranoid if only one or two birds had come after me and tormented me, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m not even safe leaving the house.

We go to Ocean City every Summer and while we were riding a surrey on the boardwalk, lo and behold – I’m under siege! I apparently can’t go a day without a filthy seagull dive bombing to try to make out with me or grab my pretzel; either way, no means no! Fast forward to my brother walking by what he thought were pretty birds and guess who wants to take a picture with them?

Notice how supportive my brother is…

He thought it would make a great keepsake to have a photo with these allegedly “nice” birds as opposed to a surfboard key chain or hermit crab like all the other tourists were getting. I was against it for obvious reasons, but was forced to relent to peer pressure from my kids. I didn’t want them to realize just how ridiculous I really am yet, and I tried to be a big sport figuring it would be over fast. I stepped up with caution and wished I could fast forward through it, but of course, I got the twenty-two year old cranky bird while my brother (AKA Doctor Doolittle) got the two-year old friendly bird.

From behind, it looks like Bernie Sanders found a new hobby taking photos with real birds instead of dealing with the crazy birds in DC!

The wrangler placed that gigantic bird on my arm and it proceeded to wrap his sharp talons around my wrist like a handcuff and then moved his head and beak so he could look me right in the eye; showing me who was boss. I was like “No fucking way Dude, get him off me” and almost threw that heavy bastard, so the wrangler thought it a better idea to mount him on my shoulder for everyone’s comfort. That would have been fine had the bird not immediately tried to bite off the tip of my tasty little ear like Mike Tyson. He was fresh and the wrangler was actually flicking his beak to get him to behave as if that wouldn’t piss him off more. He was like Chatty Cathy talking to the bird to get him to cooperate and I was like “Let’s take the God Damn picture and get it off me Dude.”

Of course my brother had the perfect bird that was like a statue – the guy should have just zoomed in and snapped it of them. This is the final shot – the only “good one” he could salvage out of all the shots he took. He actually got a kick out of my torment while my brother laughed hysterical and had my wife show him the pictures she took to laugh at.

This is the final version the wrangler took – A) Look at that bird’s grip on my shoulder – he’s not messing around! Those are clenched claws! I also was clenching in this photo, just not my claws…B) Look at my bug-eyes. I look like Joe Gatto from Impractical Jokers C) Why is his bird so calm and mine’s a lunatic?

While we were in a gift shop the next day, my kids saw some bird stuffed animals and said look – this looks like the one that tried to bite your face off and laughed hysterically as if it wasn’t a traumatic experience for me. hen they put the bird on their shoulder to do a play-by-play and reenact the whole thing and then made me do it. If my brother ever gets any more bird-brained ideas like this, I’m just gonna walk away next time before the kids can sway me. Never again folks, never again.

My kids made me relive my trauma – anything for the kids!

If you haven’t read about the bird attacks I’ve been lucky enough to make my way out of, it’s worth the read. Out of the posts I’ve put up here, the bird attacks rank pretty high in terms of searches. Random right? People search for bird attacks and find me as much as they search for mywifesmom.com, watching dirty movies with my wifes mom and rugby bulges. These crazy people are for the birds, but you gotta start somewhere…

CelebriTuesdays with LEEANN RIMES

August 22, 2017August 22, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 3 Comments

” How do I, go through a night without you…” is something LeeAnn Rimes has been wracking her brain trying to figure out for almost twenty years, but rest assured folks: it’s gonna be a whole lot easier now that I was able to help check off a goal from her bucket list. She finally met me and it changed her life! Or she met me and probably didn’t even notice, but is that really the point?

Normally, I’m a well-mannered stalker and wait out on the street with the other filthy animals, but once I saw her, I don’t know what came over me. I went right inside the building and right over. Why I felt it was ok to step it up a notch and be that rude isn’t the question – I could see the furtive glanced she was sending through the windows and it would have been wrong of me to deny this from her for even one moment longer…

No, that bald guy checking out her ass in the picture above is not me – but dat ass though!

OK, back to reality – she was nice and really cool to stop and take a picture with me and actually has really soft shoulders (I bet she moisturizers). It took every fiber of my being not to shout out “how do I…” – which if you know me is difficult because I have very little impulse control; sort of like a kid with Tourette’s! At that moment, if you had listened closely, you could hear the imaginary orchestra in my twisted little mind cueing up the intro, just begging me to serenade her…

I helped fill make a life-long dream come true for LeeAnn Rimes – what did you do this week?

CelebriTuesdays with Lionel Richie

August 15, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 14 Comments

Hello? Is it Tony you’re looking for? Here’s me and Lionel Richie this morning. I couldn’t just take a picture like a normal person, I had to try and be funny and whisper “Say you, say me…” meanwhile, I end up looking like I’m in the middle of a seizure. Too bad there’s not a filter for bells palsy face. Next time me and Lionel are dancing on the ceiling – I’m just gonna shut up and smile.

Lionel Richie was on the Today show this morning and he was walking out of the building as I was walking by. Ok, I was stalking again – same thing…You know it’s never a compliment to you when a 68 year old man looks better than you, but Lionel was rocking it and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut long enough to take a picture; thus me sporting the stroke face.

Public Service Announcement: My wife wants me to let you know that this only happened because I have a terrible habit of constantly ruining pictures because I’m literally not able to shut my mouth even for a second. After seeing these pictures I tend to agree…

For a smart guy, I’m actually pretty dumb at times: PART TWO

August 9, 2017November 23, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Most people look back at something lthey’ve written five years ago and think about how they’ve grown and matured, but I look back at this and think: I haven’t learned one damn thing! I’m still the same stupid ass I always was, if not worse because I’m now older and more set in my ways. The one thing I do know for sure is that I still always think people are kidding with me and it still gets me into trouble every time.

One would think after the countless times that I’ve embarrassed myself that I’d have learned a lesson or two, but the only thing I’ve learned is that of the senses I have – common sense isn’t one of them.

One day at work, my boss ambled in to our morning meeting looking scattered and disheveled as usual, so I didn’t think anything of it. He looked up and paused before he said “Sorry I’m late, we had to have my wife committed last night.” Take that in and think about what a normal response to that should be. Now think what my reaction was. Apparently, its bad form and not the correct response to start laughing hysterically when someone shares that kind of personal information, but I truly didn’t realize he was being serious. He wasn’t a jokester or anything like that, but everyone has their moment now and then. Everyone was staring at me as if I was the crazy one, when I said “Oh right, my wife is nuts, should I commit her too?” Come to find out – the wife really was all sorts of crazy and he really did have her committed the night before. Of course I felt terrible when I realized he wasn’t kidding, I’m not an animal…but he did have to tell me three more times because I really thought he was playing around on a Monday morning. I mean, who says personal things like that in front of a moron like me? Thank God he was used to being around crazy at home so he didn’t hold a grudge against me.

I won’t even get into the time that I didn’t believe that my uncle had committed suicide because it was April First. I got the call and was like “April Fool’s Day? Sure it’s real. Ha ha, jokes on you.” Never once did it occur to me that no one in their right mind (even my crazy, crazy sister) would ever joke about something like that. In my defense, I was also really wasted so my sister had to repeat it to me more than ten times before I took her seriously. I’m not proud of that, but it was April first and I was wasted and I mean, come on, it was April Fool’s Day – I’m not counting that one. I will admit though, it wasn’t a shining moment for my highlight real…

Worse than that, if you can believe it, was the time I was at work and we had a new assistant named Miriam who was on her second day of work. Her second day of work and there she was, doubled over in pain at her desk. I’m pretty sure we can stop here and safely say that any person in the world with absolutely any sense whatsoever would have immediately stopped and called an ambulance, but of course, not me. I thought for sure that she was messing around. No joke, I was a hundred percent convinced that she was screwing with me. In hindsight, who in their right mind would kid around about that on their second day of work, but at that moment in time, I could have sworn that she was kidding. Here she is doubled over kneeling on the floor next to her desk and I was standing there grilling her – trying to “catch her” in the joke. She’s groaning in pain and says “Tony, I need an ambulance…I’m not sure what’s wrong with…” and I cut her off and I was like “Oh right…you’re not doing well…what happened? Did you eat in the employee cafeteria?” and was laughing to myself. She nodded yes and then I thought for sure she was kidding. It was right around then that she had started to attract a crowd of other people around who thankfully had a lot more sense than me and called an ambulance.

I was trying to tell her to stop playing around because if they call the ambulance, there’s no turning back and they won’t think it’s funny if she’s fooling around, but all I got were confused looks and icy stares…it wasn’t until the paramedics finally showed up and as they were loading her onto the stretcher, they asked her who she wanted to go in the ambulance with her, that I started to almost believe that she might not be kidding after all. She looked at them and then at me with fear and concern, and then she shot me the look that told me very loud and clear that there was absolutely no way she wanted me to go with her, and she chose Lauren instead. Obviously a smart move. I wasn’t officially offering to go, but if she would have requested me, how could I say no. Even I’m not that mean.

I’m not proud to say, that even after seeing her rolled out on that stretcher moaning in pain, that for some odd reason I still didn’t really, one hundred percent believe that she wasn’t kidding until Lauren called from the hospital a few hours later to say that Miriam was being prepped for surgery. Apparently, it was really serious and she needed to have her gall bladder removed because it had ruptured. Picture me with egg on my face as everyone was mad at me as if it were my fault and I was the one that ruptured that gall bladder. I did feel terrible when I heard that and then I felt even worse when her husband called me to apologize because she’d have to be out of work for a week or two and he wanted to tell me how sorry she was for this happening at work on day two. I could not apologize enough and reassure him that it was OK, but I’m sure he was thinking what an ass I was the whole time.

After that incident, we actually had to institute the use of a safe word at work which I will circle back and talk about another time. I would like to say that a lot of people that I worked with needed the safe word to know when something was serious, but I’m pretty sure it really was just for me…I bet a lot of people have this happen to them, but since I was in charge of the department, apparently, I should have been an example and come to find out – it’s frowned upon when the boss is an idiot and can’t recognize that someone in distress obviously needs medical attention. I’d like to say that I have learned my lesson, but I wouldn’t hang around me if you’re not feeling well. After all, I am the same idiot my wife had to tell ten times that she was in labor after her water broke, because I thought she was kidding around. In fairness to me, it was during a hurricane where we had no power and it was storming like mad outside, so I thought for sure that she was messing with me. Apparently, a lot of women don’t really play jokes when they’re in labor…Point taken.

Hopefully in five more years, I won’t be revisiting another debacle I caused because I didn’t believe someone, but odds are pretty set against me learning any lessons or gaining any insight into the inner workings of a normal mind. Be careful folks and if you’re friends with me, be extra careful as my stupidity knows no bounds…

My life story

Guillermo and his Amazing Dreamcoat

July 18, 2017December 1, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 1 Comment

As I was sweating my balls off in this ungodly heat today on Metro North, I started dreaming of winter and how refreshing the cold weather can be and it made me think about a former colleague, Guillermo, and his winter wardrobe.

If you’ve never seen a hustlin’ seventies pimp in real life before, head over to Accounting to take a gander and you won’t believe your eyes. If only Ben Affleck had consulted Guillermo for wardrobe ideas before they started shooting The Accountant, the movie probably would have done a lot better. He’s short, mid-fifties, wears big glasses and looks like Super Mario’s brother Luigi. I don’t want to be mean and say he was fat, but when the police eventually draw his chalk outline, it’s going to be a circle….Now add a huge fur coat on top of this and he looked like a cartoon character. Forget Joseph’s Technicolor Dream – he wore a fur coat and matching hat that made him look like the product of a hot three-way between Luigi, Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch, and an actual Grizzly Bear.

Our Accounting Team

As the seasons turned and the winter breeze crept into the air, it’s normal for most people to gradually work longer sleeves and sweaters into their wardrobe, but not Guillermo: he went balls out straight to the fur! The best part was his matching hat which made him look like a Yeti covered in fur head to toe. You just couldn’t look at him with a straight face. At first, I thought that he might have accidentally worn his wife’s coat, but day in and day out, he rocked it like a Hurricane. My wife has informed me that normal and mature people don’t stare or make comments in situations like this, but I’ve never been mistaken for normal or mature.

Guillermo was a nice man, but I couldn’t get past the coat. I had to know where he got it and why he wore it and how the hell he wasn’t sweating like crazy in it. I have very lite self-control in situations normally, but this was putting me over the edge. He felt like people were making fun of him (Newsflash – we were!) and didn’t like to talk about the coat, but curiosity was getting the better of me and I just knew that had to try it on. I’m OCD and the thought of being inside that pelt skeeved me out big time, but I knew I needed to step up here and that it had to be done.

Guillermo Namath

I was leaving the company to work at another company and I knew it would be my only chance, so I casually started talking about the coat and was leading up to me trying it on for a picture. He randomly told me the story of how a homeless man attacked him on the subway trying to steal it, yet he fought him off with all of his might causing the left arm to be ripped off the coat. It took his tailor three weeks and the skins from two raccoons and a squirrel to mend it, but apparently it was good as new. I was picturing his subway Fight Club in my mind as he was telling me, but all I could think of was the Wampa cave scene with Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back. Apparently, G isn’t Star Wars fan…

At first, he was playing hard to get and didn’t want to let me try it on. “Stop it, now give me that coat” I said which forced him to explain to me what his hesitation really was: apparently, not every man can wear fur because not everyone has that certain swagger needed to pull it off. AS IF! “G, are you asking me to wear this down Fifth Avenue? OK, now it’s on!” With that I put on the coat and we headed for the elevator!

Now this is swagger!

What I failed to realize, was just how heavy the coat was actually going to be. It was literally as if I had crawled up inside a bear’s ass and then walked around carrying the bear. It was also hotter than the sun inside that coat by the way. I felt like Han Solo when he cut the Taun Taun open for him and Luke to sleep inside and keep warm. I mean, I sweat excessively in just a t shirt and shorts, but I didn’t have that coat on for a full minute before I was soaked right through. I don’t know how the hell he wore that around and didn’t pass out! It gets cold in New York, but for Christ’s sake – global warming people…you don’t need fur! Forget about mistreatment of animals and that it’s wrong to wear fur or that it’s just mean; what’s mean is making a person sweat like that from a coat!

G looked at me and said “how does it feel?” as if I were test driving a Ferrari and I’m not sure if it was my spirit animal literally engulfing me right there in the office, but I said “it makes me feel like this!” It was at that moment that I chose to jump on the conference table and pose like Burt Reynolds in Cosmo and show him who had swagger. While the ladies in my office thought it was hysterical, Guillermo felt I was crossing line and was now being disrespectful to the coat as if that point hadn’t been passed long before. With that, I told him we’d take it to the streets and we headed for the elevator so I could prove my swagger on the streets!

Swagger to spare!

The winter Holiday scene in the lobby of our building had a nice display featuring polar bears, snow, and penguins – the perfect winter scene scape for me in the fur! I proceeded to do what every sensible person does right about then and get into the displays and frolic with the wildlife until security sent us on our way.

I did rock that coat and prove my swagger, but he was right – not every man can pull of a fur coat. I probably could and should have gotten one of my own just to spite him, but I’d have died from heat exhaustion like I do on Metro North each day I commute, so no fur for me. I did get a few strange looks, but being that it’s NYC, no one cares about this idiot strutting around inside a carcass. The moral of the story is be careful what you wish for or you’ll end up hot and sweaty on your knees with a bunch of penguins and not the good kind of hot and sweaty either!

I met my Guardian Angel in Penn Station!!!

June 26, 2017June 26, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a Spiritual Guru like Shri Shri Ravi Shankar or anything. I’m not looking to start an Imodium movement, but I just really believe that if you listen closely the universe will send you a message every now and then to make a dream come true. You just have to be open to it. I’m short, balding, and have been fat for most of my life so I’m not exactly what you’d immediately picture when you say someone is lucky but the universe sent me a sign and that kinda makes me pretty lucky indeed.

I’m not quite sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but my sister is really crazy. There’s no sugar-coating it –crazy is crazy and she’s crazy! In the past, I‘ve shared some examples of her vigilante antics and differing mindset than pretty much all of the normal, functioning world. For instance, when she sees a drug deal going down, she instinctively hits the gas and grabs her bat! When I see something like that, I dive over the passenger seat into the back and hit the floor screaming like Shirley Maclaine in that hospital scene from Terms of Endearment! People are just different I guess.

For as long as I can remember, we’ve made fun of my sister because her actions made it seem like she was trying to start her own chapter of the Guardian Angels. She rocked that bat more than Negan on The Walking Dead, yet she was a good sport when we teased. Partly because she has a good sense of humor, partly because she seriously thought that her vigilante behavior was the appropriate response to the situations, and partly because, as I’ve said before but it bears repeating – she’s crazy!

Right before her birthday in December, I actually found a hat store in San Francisco that sells the exact red beret Curtis Sliwa – THE GUARDIAN ANGEL HIMSELF – wears! As you can imagine I got express shipping and it was the absolute best birthday gift she’s ever received! Flash forward a month down the line and I’m randomly walking in Penn Station when it was all of a sudden like slow motion in a movie: clear as day through the massive crowd of people, I looked over and saw CURTIS SLIWA walking right past me. CURTIS!!! CURTIS!!! I started screaming and ran over to catch up.

He stopped and looked at me like I was a lunatic and this is a man used to dealing with lunatics. I screamed “OH MY GOD – I love you! You’re not going to believe it but my sister is a vigilante too!” Cue his look of utter confusion, bewilderment, and I’m sure mild annoyance. Cue my incessant rambling on. (If only the Imodium AD could help with the verbal Diarrhea too!) I’m not sure if he actually thought that I was making fun of him or was just really crazy with the way I was carrying on, but the words were just pouring out of me like chili through a baby! “No joke, my sister really is – she’s crazy – LOOK! This is the picture of her daughter that she literally just sent me yesterday!!!” With that I showed him a picture of my niece that she had texted me the day before WEARING THE EXACT SAME RED BERET HE HAD ON HIS HEAD!!! He smiled and then his face had a hint of confusion and he looked like he thought at first I was making fun of him or about to present him with a long lost love child, but then I could see the exact moment of clarity when it all gelled for him – he knew at that exact moment that I was full-on crazy. I’m sure a lot of lunatics come up to him on the street and talk, but how many stop to show of pictures of their two year old niece on patrol rocking the exact same red beret as him?

“Curtis, my sister is really crazy and helps people getting jumped and tried to stop drug deals with the bat in her trunk – she doesn’t go anywhere without that bat!” It wasn’t clear and concise, but I felt like if I had a chance to explain he’d really get a kick out of it, but I couldn’t build a coherent sentence to save my life. “She’s really your biggest fan and I got her that beret for her birthday!!!” I wouldn’t say he was flattered with the intel I was delivering and it might have been my over excitement or the fact that I was unfolding my crazy family legacy to a stranger in Penn Station as if this was at all normal. Then it hit me so I had to ask: “Will you FaceTime with my sister? I can call her right now. She’ll die!” “No” he replied and I can’t say that I blame him although he could have taken a second to think it over. Can you imagine if she answered the face time wearing that beret? He would have plotzed! “Curtis, please take a picture with me – I’m serious, she’s going to freak out when she hears that I met you and when she sees this picture – she’s gonna die!” Cue the selfie and just like that he went on his way back to patrol and make us all just a little safer. I stood there smiling ear to ear, mumbling to myself like a mental patient about how awesome that just was.

Of course, not two seconds after he was out of sight, I call my sister screaming! I wanted to text her the picture but waited so that I could hear her reaction live – which was awesome! She was hysterical and couldn’t believe it – although she did say she would have killed me if he actually FaceTimed with her. When I told my wife, her response was surprisingly less subdued: “Get back to work before you get fired! What the hell are you doing in Penn Station?” “Honey, I’m making dreams come true is what I’m doing…” There I was, literally having an out of body experience and all she could ask is why I’m bothering strangers. That and she was curious as to how I even recognized him on the street, as if he’s just an average Joe. I was like “Honey, let’s break it down: even if you live a very sheltered life and happen to not know what he looks like – he literally wears a red beret and jacket that says Guardian Angels – Helen Keller could identify him in a lineup!” She wasn’t as excited for me as I felt a supportive spouse should be and she didn’t want to encourage any more of my nonsense so I did the only appropriate thing you can do in a situation like that: I called my sister back. Even though she’s a lunatic, she could at least appreciate the significance of the moment!

When I tell people these things about my sister, there are usually two reactions to it: A) people think there’s really something wrong with her and then feel bad for laughing. She’s crazy, but it’s not like a diagnosed on the meds kind of crazy so it’s OK to laugh at her. The other reaction is that they think I’m exaggerating…UNTIL THEY MEET HER. Don’t make me go hidden camera on her or Facebook Live with her so you can see the cray cray at a safe distance. I’d like to say that she has calmed down and that through the wisdom of age, my sister has settled into a sense of normalcy, but that would be ignoring the aforementioned bat that we moved out of the way to load her groceries into the trunk last weekend! Just like the big wheels that keep on turnin’ – Proud Marlene keeps on burnin!

As a side note to this, I can understand what you’re thinking after hearing about this: why is she keeping the bat all the way back in the trunk? In a street fight, who has time to pop the trunk, run to the back of the car, and then retrieve the bat? Rookie mistake if you ask Curtis. Just for practical purposes, she should keep it in the back seat or have my niece hold it in her car seat on the off chance there’s a drive by and she needs to jump in.

Most people don’t realize this, but my sister was Lemonadin’ way before Bae!

So what is the lesson we learn here folks? Obviously, never get in the car with my sister unless you’re wearing Kevlar, but also – take your Imodium every day and Dream Big! This wasn’t me winning the Powerball Jackpot or my hair growing back kind of dream – but it was still pretty damn awesome!

Think you have bad luck? My brother got ran over TWICE by the same car!

March 29, 2017March 29, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

With St. Patrick’s Day last week, I was thinking about sharing some stories about my lucky shamrocks, but as I was writing, I couldn’t help but think of my brother. Forget about Luck of the Irish, if it weren’t for bad luck, my brother Joey wouldn’t have any at all. Here’s a perfect example to illustrate just how unlucky he is – picture it: Merit Gas Station: Long Island: September 2000.

My brother pulled into the gas station one man and left in tattered pieces. Nowadays, you can pay at the pump, but for anyone of the young’uns that might be reading this – back in 2000 it was down-right prehistoric: you won’t believe it, but we had to actually walk from your car to the attendant’s booth, prepay for your gas and then walk all the way back to your car to fill it up. Simple enough for most people, but not for my brother, not that day. Joey put the pump in the gas tank, headed over to prepay, paid for his gas, and headed back over to pump it. All normal and the same thing he had done hundreds and hundreds of times when – BOOM he’s suddenly a hood ornament!

Out of nowhere, an old man rammed into Joey, knocking him to the ground, and proceeded to drive over him like he was gas station roadkill. Seriously, he was a Merritt Muskrat flattened like a pancake! Picture a possum on I95 wriggling under the front tires trying to break free before he’s crushed to bits – that was my brother there on the pavement. As he was screaming in agony and trying to figure out what the hell was going on, the old man realized that he hit something, stopped the car, and threw it in reverse. HE THREW THE EFFING CAR IN REVERSE AND THEN PROCEEDED TO HIT HIM AGAIN! HE RAN HIM OVER TWICE! JOEY GOT HIT BY THE SAME CAR TWICE!!!

My brother was in pain the first go around, but the shock of the car re-running him over set him over the edge. Screaming for help, the other customers could only watch in horror until that pimped out old Caddy finally came to a resting halt. One would think that people watching this unfold or the Police on the scene might rush over to my brother to assist and try and see if this real life crash test dummy was still alive, but they instead ran to the old man, who was clutching his chest. At this point he was outside the car on the ground next to Joey because after stopping the car, he got out, took one look at my brother, turned white as a ghost, shrugged his shoulders as if to say “Shit happens” and then his feet came out from underneath him and he hit the pavement.

As the police and emergency personnel were tending to the old man, my brother was screaming “What the fuck? He ran me over twice and you’re helping him? Someone pump my gas or get my fucking money back from that attendant!” It fell on deaf ears though, as the police were trying to get the old man’s information. He directed them to his dashboard – he had flash cards with his name, address, and directions back to his house. Apparently, he had suffered a stroke almost four months to the day of the accident and wasn’t supposed to be driving. Of course, they felt the old man was in critical condition and immediately got him out of there in an ambulance and then asked my brother if he wanted an ambulance as well. Who stops to ask the person that got ran over twice if they’d like an ambulance? If ever there was a clear cut need for an ambulance, I’m pretty sure that was it.

It’s like every time he gets gas, that Elvis song “Steamroller Blues” plays in the background like his very own theme song: “I’m a steamroller baby, I’m ‘bout to roll all over you…” I’d like to say that my brother is now safely crossing on the green and not in between, but when we recently followed him to my sister’s house, he pulled over to get out and switch drivers right on the highway and his wife said “Why in the world would he get out of the car on a highway instead of pulling into a parking lot? Wasn’t getting run over twice enough?” Apparently, you can take the boy out of the gas station, but you can’t take the gas station out of the boy!

This has nothing to do with my brother or him getting hit by the car TWICE, but there’s always room for Jimmy McMillan!

Apparently, the first sense you lose once you get struck by a car is your sense of humor – and it’s still on the fritz because almost 17 years later, he still doesn’t think it’s funny. In hindsight, he really did get seriously hurt: he had his shoulder operated on, broke two toes and messed up his knee pretty bad. I only make light of this happening because it didn’t happen to me and it’s been years since it happened so it’s OK to laugh about it now. Granted we laughed back then too, but that’s not the point. We live and we learn and since then he looks both ways twice before crossing just in case…

Tony Baloney – Why you no fat no more?

March 23, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

I’ve told you about how great it is to be a regular and how nice it is to have people remembering you, but sometimes that’s not the case at all.

There was a little bodega run by a Chinese family across from work that I used to hit up every morning on my way into the office. Being OCD and a creature of habit, I used get my healthy breakfast of two Diet Pepsi’s and an individually wrapped chocolate chip muffin every day before work. This was before I started running, before I was eating healthier, and way before I lost sixty pounds. Yes, that is a lot of weight and yes, I realize I was a fat ass…thanks for reminding me.

As part of my morning routine, I’d get off the train, hit the convenience store and then head to work. Every day it would feel like forever waiting on that damn line in the store, but it was right across the street and you kinda get used to it after a while. When I say it was a long line, I mean like twenty people on the line long winding throughout the store. Picture a conga line doing the mannequin challenge.

Fast forward to the new and improved, skinny me getting bottled water and a protein bar! As I was almost at the register for my turn to pay, I made the amateur mistake of turning my head to check out the candy display and see if I should tempt myself with some delectable Swedish Fish (the only seafood that I eat). Before I knew it, the cashier was screaming out “Next. Next. Next customer. Nex…WHOA!!! WHY YOU NO FAT NO MORE!!!!!!” A hush came over the store as everyone looked to see who she was talking about. Of course I turned away from the candy and momentarily though about dropping my water and protein bar to sprint out the front door, but she waved me over to her and shouted “COME ON!” I was terrified that she’d start screaming even louder or I would have let someone else go ahead of me while she continued on just as loud. “I can’t believe you no fat no more! What happened? You so different?” she exclaimed as loudly as she possibly could. I threw money at her to try and distract her and get her to shut up but it was to no avail. I tried my best to pretend like I didn’t hear her shouting and just smiled without looking back at the line of tittering patrons waiting their turn behind me wondering just how fat I actually was since I didn’t look all that good now…A normal person would never go back into a store after that, but did I mention that it was directly across the street? I don’t care if she started shouting “Run Fat Boy Run” while throwing Ring Dings at me – the OCD wasn’t letting me break my routine for anything…

Flash forward a few months later to a very stressful, meeting-filled day, and I was in dire need of some comfort food. When life beats me down, food always makes it better so I headed over to the bodega. I know you’re thinking that’s not a healthy response to stress and that’s exactly how eating disorders start, but nobody likes a know it all! As I was searching the displays for something tasty to make everything all better, I decided that we were at defcon three and hit the deli counter for the only remedy: Bologna and cheese! It’s not something that I eat often, but it reminds me of when I was a little kid and always cheers me up. It also reminds me of a day when my sister Marlene ate almost two pounds of bologna forcing my poor little cousin to go to Sailing camp with nothing to eat for lunch. Just like Brooke Shields in the 80’s, she wasn’t one to let anything stand between her and her Boar’s Head. When questioned about her excessive Bologna intake, she defensively sneered “If you can’t feed me send me home!” Some people have happy Disney memories of their childhood, I have random Bologna fantasies: Tomato/Tomah-to.

If she knew that my sister could eat like she had two assholes, Mother Theresa might rethink this quote…

So, I head over to the Deli counter and asked for bologna and cheese on a roll with a tiny bit of mayonnaise. I like my sandwich to be dry and by that I mean so dry that you’ll actually start to cough. I really don’t like mayo, but a little drop here and there is OK. How is it that no one in the entire service industry is able to comprehend what the word “little” means when ordering food? I usually don’t even bother ordering mayo because people never listen and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Ask for a little ice and the cup is full; ask for a “little” dressing on your salad and you’ll be calling in the Coast Guard because the lettuce starts to look like little boats drowning in the ocean.

My friend Max was with me and mocking me as I ordered. He isn’t what you’d normally consider funny, but proceeded to ask the counter attendants if they also thought it was as ridiculous as he did that my name was Tony and I was ordering bologna. All of a sudden three guys that don’t understand 95% of the language were hysterical laughing and saying it back to each other “Tony Baloney” while pointing at me. I find it so interesting that in the English language there are so many vital and beautiful words or phrases that one can learn, but the takeaway here was “Tony Baloney!” Now a normal person would have maintained some level of dignity and got the hell out of that bodega, but I really wanted that sandwich and they were right across the street…

In hindsight, maybe heading to the place where random cashiers shout about how fat I am isn’t the best place to make me feel better on a stressful day. No one said I was a quick learner, but I got the message now!

The only AA I care about: Academy Awards! Hollywood hasn’t been this fixated on the Reds since Joseph McCarthy!

February 26, 2017February 26, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

“This year has been all about the Reds and it has nothing to do with Warren Beatty!”

The Oscars are finally here and I couldn’t be more excited. Just like all of you, I’ve been cramming in all the last minute nominated films and I could not be more pumped up about this year’s crop. There is truly something for everyone – Action, drama, sci-fi, musicals, sports, musicals, war, and seriously – one cannot talk about the year in films without mentioning Hollywood overcoming a HUGE hurdle that most people won’t talk about: after years of neglecting nominees of color, this has been an extraordinary year for Gingers! In the span of two years it went from #OSCARSOWHITE to #OSCARSORED! Forget about Rogue One – It’s more like Rouge One this year at the movies!

Nicole Kidman in Lion – Boom! Emma Stone in La La Land – BOOM! Amy Adams in Arrival AND Nocturnal Animals – Snubbed but I’d like to give her that Boom! Isabelle Huppert in Elle – BOOM! Lucas Hedges in Manchester by the Sea (reddish brown, but you can’t hide from me) – BOOM! Deadpool – BOOM! The Red Turtle – BOOM! The Lobster – BOOM! Poppy in Trolls – (technically pink, but we’ll give it to you) – BOOM!

I’m not gonna go on a rant because I’m not a La La Lunatic, but if you haven’t been swept up this year by the sheer scope and style of the offerings – you just might be dead inside. I actually checked to see if rigor mortis had set in on him because my brother Joey hated Manchester by the Sea. Can you imagine? The scacriledge! Casey Affleck caused me to need anti-depressants and Michelle Williams performance still haunts me months later.

This is not just to say how amazing La La Land is I La-La-Loved it and Emma Stone will rightfully dance away with her Best Actress Oscar tonight! If it was a just world, Ryan Gosling would win as well, but in a year when Casey Affleck’s pain tore me up and Denzel Washington reminded us why he’s the best working actor alive – Gosling’s nomination is a win in itself!

I would have rather Andrew Garfield had been nominated for Silence rather than Hacksaw Ridge. I might be in the minority, but I didn’t love the movie – I actually wanted to take a hacksaw to cut myself in half just to make it stop. Personal issues aside, Mel Gibson is an extremely talented director and it was well made; I just felt that it was slow and drawn out – especially when Garfield’s character was saving soldiers during the last battle on the ridge. We get it, he saved seventy five people; do we need to show twenty rescues? I felt exhausted just watching him struggle to carry those soldiers to safety.

Although I’m a big fan of his work, Andrew Garfield’s performance felt hokey and cartoonish at times. I couldn’t tell if his character was supposed to be “slow” in the beginning, but it was like there was a little something “off” about the guy. No hot nurse would have fallen in love with someone like that – they would have fallen for the cop that helped them get the restraining order. I felt the same way about Joel Edgerton in Loving; I know it’s based on a real person’s story, but was something wrong with the guy? I’m not making fun because I’ve actually been mistaken for a retarded person myself, but I couldn’t help but think – is he supposed to be handicapped? It was distracting and I almost felt like Ruth Negga’s Best Actress nomination had more to do with her keeping a straight face while her partner showed us what the love child of Forrest Gump and Sling Blade would look like!

Speaking of miscast roles, Vince Vaughn was horribly miscast as a drill sergeant in Hacksaw Ridge – I felt like at any minute he was hazing him that he might lean in Garfield’s face and whisper “Just the tip, just for a second…” After this and True Detective Season two, he really needs to just stick with comedies…

Hell or High Water; Sort of like the way I felt about Luke Wheeler on Nashville – if you don’t have something nice to say, move on! I got nothing for ya and I’m rolling on to one of the most amazing films I’ve seen all year: Jim: The James Foley Story. I haven’t seen such a powerful, grab you by the heels documentary that I absolutely loved since Searching for Sugarman and this one was a doozie. If I could tell you to seek out one film nominated this year – let this be it! No offense to OJ: Made in America or Life, Animated, but this is the Best Documentary of the year! I’m just grateful that it was nominated for Sting’s powerful song “The Empty Chair” or I might have missed it altogether.

Florence Foster Jenkins? I love her Streepness too, but I’d rather watch Jodie Foster’s last colonoscopy than ever hear about this movie again. Meryl Streep is great in everything but in a year when Annette Benning made 20^th Century Women, Amy Adams had not just Arrival, but Nocturnal Animals as well, Jessica Chastain in Mrs. Sloane; it’s almost a crime to line Meryl up for this. For the first time in probably ever – the Best Actress pool was overflowing with amazing, amazing, amazing performances that there was really no way to pick five and not leave out multiple deserving, go for broke, career-best performances, but I am still shocked that Amy Adams isn’t in there. Besides Streep, I can’t think who you’d replace. Natalie Portman was Jackie Kennedy! Isabelle Huppert was crazy amazing in Elle, Ruth Negga was great and Emma, Emma, Emma – I just loved you!

You wanna talk about the year’s biggest snub? The supporting role that was inexcusably overlooked was the green dress that Amy Adams wore at the end of Nocturnal Animals! She has never looked more amazing than she has here and that green dress brought more feelings out of this writer than I should be admitting. I read that the original title of the film was Nocturnal Emissions and after seeing that dress, I can tell why.

Best Supporting Role – this dress!

So many other non-redhead performances were amazing this year too, but there’s just so little time to gush: Joe’s Violin, Moonlight, Jackie, Fences, A Man Called Ove, the short film Sing, Toni Erdmann (even if only for that “Greatest Love of All” scene), La Femme et le TGV, Captain Fantastic…just so much to love. Go and enjoy the Oscars. In a year when there are so many touching and powerful performances you can look at it two ways: A) be thankful that the amazing Lion, La La Land, Manchester by the Sea, and Moonlight grabbed us and transported us through emotional journeys or B) scratch your head at how far we’ve fallen as a society when awful things like Passengers, Suicide Squad or Dr. Strange are Oscar nominated…I for one could have lived without finding out where Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them were!

For all my Homies to get to know mes

December 4, 2016December 4, 2016 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Nobody wants to feel bad bacuse they came late to the party, so I’ll just drop this here so you can catch up with a handful of the good ones. Then go back and search for the one about the Pope and the one about the Shitty Kitty and then get back on board because this train is leaving the station!

www.immodiumabuser.com

Of all the questions that people ask me about this site, nine times out of ten there is some variation of “Your poor wife, how does she do it?” as the very first question. The second question is which is the best post to read if you’re new to this site and haven’t had a chance to catch up on all the older stuff posted here. If you fall into the latter category than today is your lucky day!

I’ve created a list of what I think are the essential posts you MUST read in order to get to know this site. Others are really funny as well, but this is where you should start. These are in no particular order, just a random collective to get you up to speed. I must advocate caution while ingesting these posts, as some of them are really funny. In the lab, some of the test subjects were known to lose control…

View original post 213 more words

The Fugitive

July 20, 2016 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

My friend Michelle is really smart and we have a lot in common; we both worked for the same company, we both love the soundtrack to Begin Again, and we both think I’m one of the funniest people ever! I told you she was smart!!!

While that’s normally enough for to people to bond over, what really cinched it was when we discovered that we share something even bigger than that: we both have an embarrassing one-armed man story! This is not to make fun of anyone handicapped or make light of missing limbs, but what are the odds? (Actually, call me out on that challenge if you actually do have a one-armed man story – let me know and I’ll add it to this post!)

This was a few years ago when I was working in event planning and before I learned how to act professional and appropriate in the workplace. OK, it was before I learned how to pretend that I’m a professional and pretend to act appropriate in the workplace. I was somewhat new to the job and in that awkward getting-to-know-you phase when I went to lunch with two of the ladies from the office. As we were talking about hobbies and things we like to do, I randomly went off on a tangent about gambling and casinos and my obsessive love for Baccarat. Patti nodded in agreement with my game of chance choice, but Karen looked at me and said “I only play the slot machines!” Why would you waste time and money on slots?” I countered “You never win on them. You can’t trust anything with one arm!” At this point they both looked at me weirdly – Patti with a weird look of shock, and Karen’s face always looked weird, but this was more of annoyance. Patti was shaking her head no back and forth for me to stop talking and tried to change the subject, but true to form, I can’t ever let anything go. “Why would you play those? You can’t trust the one armed man – remember? They only have one arm! Give me one example of something with one arm you can trust?” to which she was fully annoyed and said “My mother has one arm. I trust her!”

At this point any person with any sense in his head would shut the fleck up, but not me. Of course I still couldn’t let it go. “Oh right Karen, your mother has one arm…sure she does…and I’m really a Kennedy…Ha Ha…one arm –come on…” She was pissed now and said “Who would make that up? It’s not funny – my mother really has one arm!” “Right Karen, did your mother get bit by a shark? She only has one arm? You’re such a liar…”and with that she had enough and walked away. Patti was laughing hysterically because I was such an ass and wouldn’t take her signals and just shut up. Then she was swearing up and down that Karen’s mother really only has one arm. “Come on Patti, I don’t believe either one of you. Mess with the new guy right? Whose mother has one arm?”

Karen then proceeded to call her mother and make her come in to the office to show me. Low and behold, she really did only have one arm! She was cool about it because I’m sure she probably gets it all the time but then she was like “who would joke about having one arm? What kind of a person does that?” And I was like “I would…but I’m an idiot…” Once again proving that people usually aren’t kidding around and I never believe anything. Open mouth, insert foot…Also, Karen actually farted in front of me my first day on the job and I ran into the bathroom to call my wife because I couldn’t control my immature laughter, so I should have known she wasn’t really a jokester…

Michelle worked in The Gap when she was in college and as a man came out of the dressing room trying on a nice green sweater, he was looking at himself in the hallway mirror to check himself out. She, being the cheery salesperson, walked over to assist. “Hi there, let’s see how that looks on you.” With a puzzled look on her face “Come on Sir, you’ve gotta put both arms through the sleeves so I can see how that fits” and with that she grabbed the sleeve dangling where his arm should have been. She shook it and then realized from the expression on his face, that he was missing the arm, but she wasn’t missing the look on his face. “Looks great” she said as she dropped the empty sleeve and proceeded to take her walk of shame into the storeroom. Good thing she wasn’t working on commission…

Now in working together we both shared embarrassing stories and laughed at each other…Flash forward to us together at a trade show chatting away at a luncheon while the band Foreigner was playing for the crowd. I was paying attention to her and our conversation – not noticing anyone else at the table when the lead singer started introducing “I Wanna Know What Love Is.” He wanted everyone to get out of their seats, grab someone we love to sing along with and dance. At this point our table cleared with everyone heading to the dance floor leaving just me, Michelle, and the old man seated on my left. Just as the singer asked, I leaned in like I was going to hug Michelle and then quickly turned away to the man on my left and jokingly hugged him instead. I’m not sure who was more shocked: him to be hugged by a stranger singing the wrong words off key or me to find out mid-hug that he only had one arm! Another one-armed man and now I had just accosted him.

He looked back at me like I was crazy and seemed somewhat relieved when I stopped singing along and then I tried to casually turn to Michelle and whisper. I’m not a good whisperer anyway and with the music so loud it was more like a half-shout stage whisper: “One arm! One arm.” She of course had no idea what I was talking about and I was trying to lip the words instead of saying them out loud “He…only…has…one…arm.” She got the message loud and clear. And so did he! By this time he had gathered his stuff and proceeded to walk across the ballroom towards the exit getting away from me as any sane person would. Then I saw it – he left his messenger bag on the floor next to his chair.

I leapt up and sped into action like OJ in the White Bronco – I grabbed his bag and started running, leaving Michelle at the table alone. The crowd was massive, and heading towards the restrooms and exits, when I knew in my heart this might be my only change to ever try out my Tommy Lee Jones impression: “Stop that one-armed man! Stop him!” I shouted as I bobbed and weaved like Keanu in the Matrix. People were looking at me with a mix of wild annoyance and confusion, yet I finally caught him outside the doors on the convention floor. I was about two feet in back of him when I reached out and grabbed his arm (obviously, the full arm – not the dangling sleeve like Michelle) startling him and he whipped around. He had a definite look of annoyance while I was smiling like I should be his new hero. “Here’s your bag – you forgot your bag at the table! Didn’t you hear me calling you?” He just glared at me and didn’t say one word while he took his bag back from me. No thank you, no smile, just a weird glance and then he walked away and was gone into the crowd.

I’m not saying that he owed me another hug or a thank you, but not even a smile? Burt Bacharach sang What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love but even he couldn’t have scored a smile that day…The message we take from this: You can’t trust a one-armed bandit!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!