Three Quick Things

cinnamon

1. Glozell’s Cinnamon Twerk video is absolutely awesome. She’s taken her Cinnamon Challenge to another level – and it’s hysterical. Check her out and then look around her you tube channel – she’s got some crazy stuff on there…

rent

2. The Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is my second favorite politician. (No one will ever top The Rent is Too Damn High Guy – Jimmy McMillan. Besides buying crack from Somali drug dealers and getting filmed smoking it, he rammed into a lady like he was one of the bulls in Pamplona, and he gave a fantastic press conference extolling the virtues of marriage while denying kitty cat snack accusations (watch the second video clip below and this will make sense). If he is not the next reality show superstar – a great injustice will have been done. Ron Burgundy sang a reelection song for him and had Kanye not already got down on bended knee and already proposed, Kim KarTrashian would have been stuck to him like wallpaper…

rob ford crazy eyes

It makes me a little sad that the Surreal World isn’t still on. Can’t you just see Mr. Mayor, Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Flavor Flav, Charo, and David Hasselhoff all trying to just get along and live together?

surreal

YOU MUST SEE HIS GREATEST HITS VIDEOS HERE AND HERE!!!

running assist

3. I am grateful and thanked my wife for supporting me through the NYC Marathon training and on Race Day, but there is another thank you that is due: I want to take this moment to thank the makers of NipEaze.

nyc_finisher-225x225

When they say that this product discreetly conceals and protects nipples, they mean it. I was so confident that I felt like I had my own security team guarding my guns. Not to be gross, but I have been that guy with the blood soaked shirt. I walked in from the park one day and my shirt looked as if I had just taken two gun shots to the chest in a driveby. Unbeknownst to me, I was running around rocking a sweaty tee with giant red stains through the park. Who knew nipples bled and who knew nipples bled that much? I mean, there was a lot of blood…

Commuting nightmare
NipEaze, you have earned your rightful place next to Imodium AD in my life. What you have given me can never be repaid and the extent to which I appreciate you can never be fully verbalized…They’re sweat proof, breathable, discreet, and really stay on there. I sweat like a whore in church, but those little anchors were firmly in place for the duration. They even come in two sizes, but remember that for best results, NipEAZE should not be larger than the outside diameter of the areola.

pacman

I know what you must be thinking “what’s the big deal and why is this fool talking about his nipples so much?” and before I was a runner I didn’t understand and appreciate my nips either. Like the Shakira song says “These Nips Don’t Lie.” I took them for granted and abused them when I ran a half marathon over the Summer and thought a Pacman band aid could do the job of a mighty hero. It was no use, these poor little nips were hurt, sore, and irritated like nobody’s business. It was as if I got a super-sized purple nurple by King Kong nine times in a row.

This is an actual picture of me resting after finishing the marathon...

This is an actual picture of me resting after finishing the marathon…

Don’t even ask about the pictures they take on race day either. My shirt was sweaty and stuck to me like saran wrap around chopped meat so badly that my nipples were protruding through my shirt like a meerkat on sentinel duty. I looked like a third string extra from Baywatch…Did you ever see Meatloaf in Fight Club – that was me! I was actually looking at the pictures taken at the race when my friend Beena came rolling by and took one look at them and told me that I needed to call the photographer immediately and threaten legal action if he didn’t delete those shots immediately. Not my best moment…

fight club

Either way, I appreciate the support (literally) and wanted to thank them. If anyone had told me six months ago that I’d be parading running tights, a du rag and nipple shields publicly and proudly through Central Park, I would have popped them right in the chops but here I am today sharing my bits and pieces for the world!

As if being married to me wasn’t thank you enough… (My NYC Marathon thank you)

thank you shout out

I am working on a full recap but I’d be remiss if I didn’t devote a little space and time to give a shoutout to the amazing support system that got me through not only the 26.2 miles of the NYC Marathon but also the hundreds of miles logged leading up to that race day. No, this is not just another shameless Imodium AD plug – although I do owe them a thanks as well – this is a testament to the amazing, funny, crazysexycool, gorgeous, inspiring woman that just happens to be my best friend and wife.

 

logo nyc marathon

 

 

Unless you count the night of our Honeymoon when we broke the bed twice, I’ve never really been congratulated for my physical prowess. I started running about year ago and famously ended my first race getting popped in the chops by a fence while face planting into the pavement with a bloody nose and then getting trampled like Mufasa did by the wildebeasts in The Lion King from the rest of the runners. Talk about a sign to not take up running – those were obvious red flags that I ignored.

This and the NYC Marathon finisher medal are the only trophies in my sports case...

This and the NYC Marathon finisher medal are the only trophies in my sports case…

 

I’m a Klutz through and through, so when I took up running, you can just imagine my wife’s concern. After all, I’m the guy that broke the same ankle two years in a row on the same day, sprained ligaments in the other ankle last year because I didn’t have my glasses on and walked into the bathroom door, fell face first into a brick wall and recently got a black eye when I tripped while chasing my son in our kitchen and fell into the garbage can face first. Basically there’s not a single speck of coordination running through my body but she’s been nothing but encouraging. And this is from my wife who had never heard of me running in my life except for the time I went for a run in Hyde Park while studying abroad in London and got so winded that I got an ice cream cone and took a cab back home – not the tell-tale signs of the track star I’d turn into.

 

lion king trampled

 

 

Through every run – long and short – she’s been a constant source of positive encouragement and believed in me fully without question when I cooked up this NYC Marathon pipe dream. Whereas I didn’t fully think I could do this until about nineteen miles into the Marathon on race day – she was always my loudest cheerleader. I struggled and doubted while she massaged sore feet and applied the icy hot…Each and every mile became possible because she believed in me and that was contagious.

 

True-to-life rendering of me in all my athletic glory.

True-to-life rendering of me in all my athletic glory.

 

I’m not sure if you know how many people come out and line the streets for the NYC Marathon, but out of those two million people – there was no bigger smile or louder cheer to be found than hers at mile 18 & mile 23. As I made my up to mile 18, I glanced up and there they were – my wife, my two sons and my mother-in-law – with huge smiles and tearing eyes like an oasis in the desert. Shouting, screaming, waving a big orange balloon and beaming with pride – there they were. A big hug, a quick kiss, a fast photo and they made me feel ready to conquer anything.

mile 18

 

As I darted away, knowing I’d see them again in five more miles I started to wonder why I hadn’t believed in myself when they so overwhelmingly and unequivocally believed in me. Why was I the only one who didn’t think I could do it? Their excitement was contagious and the proud looks in their eyes carried me through. I never cared about the timing – just that I could finish the marathon and have fun with it, and after seeing them there was no doubt that I could and would make it through.

running guy

As I arrived at mile 23 – there they were again screaming and even more excited than the first time. Kisses, hugs and smiles all around and then I headed off again to finish. They navigated the crazy, busy, crowded streets and subway system with a two and a four year old in order to see me in two different spots to encourage me along the way when they knew I’d need it and never once complained or thought about anything but how happy they were for me. They gave me the encouragement and the strength to finish strong and to believe in myself as much as they did.

nyc_finisher-225x225

I know that it might sound like the start of a joke to say I looked up and saw my mother-in-law’s face in the crowd, but she’s my Boo and they was such a sight for sore eyes. There she was – standing with my older son while my wife wore his brother like they were in Dagobah – he was Yoda and she was the young Jedi in training Luke Skywalker…At that exact moment there was no better sight that I could see then the four of them right there on the street! Granted, the last time I wrote about my mother-in-law it was about inappropriate movies and stuff so hopefully, this post is a little tamer…

Luke and Yoda

This is a different type of post than I usually write, but I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to thank them for pushing and encouraging me. They’ll never know what their smiles, cheers and laughter did for me. I think of how much my wife sacrificed over the past few months to encourage me and my crazy pipe dream while I ran like a madman training run after training run, day after day, night after night…I certainly couldn’t have gotten through it without her encouragement, support and love. Here’s to you honey – I love you!

 

 

I’m running the New York City Marathon tomorrow!!!

Got my number - check. Got my Shirt - check. Got my Imodium AD 72 pack - CHECK CHECK CHECK!!!

Got my number – check.
Got my Shirt – check.
Got my Imodium AD 72 pack – CHECK!

I’m sure that every one of you will be on the edge of your seats all weekend absolutely consumed by thoughts of my five borough trek, so here’s something to make it a little more bearable for you: The link to the runner tracking page.

http://www.ingnycmarathon.org/spectators/trackmyrunners.htm

marathon
No pressure – feel free to not even give me a second thought as I pound the pavement, mile by mile by mile by mile, never giving up, always enduring, profusely sweating like a Jello pudding pop left out in the sunlight for too long at a family barbecue…putting my body through the rigors of 26.2 miles…26.2 freakin miles!!! No big deal at all – enjoy your weekend. What were you doing this weekend anyway? Oh, just raking some leaves? Cleaning out some closets? Oh, that sounds nice too…
logo nyc marathon
Just kidding, some people had asked about tracking me and I’m not sure that NY Road Runners has developed the technology yet that will be able to track someone like me that’s fast like lightning, but here is the option anyway:
nyrr
There is a text to phone option but the one listed below that option is online and FREE. My bib number is 69382…
Any idiot can run
Wish me luck and if I end up face down on the pavement with a bloody nose again or if they open the streets back up before I even get to mile ten – no judgements…
Look out for this guy on the course!!

This is the back of my Marathon shirt!

This is the front of my Marathon shirt.

This is the front of my Marathon shirt.

Runners – as you’re making your way through the course you’ll be overwhelmed trying to remember all the hydration and fueling tips and advice you’ve learned and gotten over the last few months, but there is one important thing you need to have front of mind as you approach that finish line in Central Park. There is always someone faster than you and you’re not going to come in first place, so there is absolutely no excuse for a bad finish photo. The winning male and female are the only acceptable runners that can look like shit on marathon day. As you finish the 25th mile, you have mere minutes to paint the absolute biggest smile you can on your face and make it big. It will hurt, but you want to know what hurts more? getting bad picture from your big day. Those fugly shots can be brutal! No one wants to see the girl who just gave birth’s picture on their Facebook feed – you may not have had a baby – but that’s what it looks like. I am a helper and here to offer my sage wisdom for free so as you finish up the last leg of the race, scout around for the ugly people, the sweaty ones, the fat ones and the hairy ones and sidle up close to them until you pass the finish. This may sound mean or shallow, and it is,  but I guarantee that you’ll thank me for this when you check your email a few days later and see how good you look next to a real hot mess slumped over trying to catch their breath. no matter how sweaty, how hot or how ready to throw up you are – there is always someone worse off than you. Full disclosure, I’m usually that person that’s worse off, but I digress…

Good luck out there tomorrow and although it goes without saying, I’ll be packing extra Imodium AD if anyone needs!