CelebriTuesdays: Mueller Said Knock You Out! Forget the Russians – He needs to shift his focus to LL Cool J & investigate why this Dude doesn’t age!

 

mueller said knock you out

 

Everyone’s jabbering on about Cambridge Analytica, Russian election interference and Jeff Daniels’ sister Stormy – but we need to focus and find out what’s going on with the most important cover-up of our time that’s happening right under our noses: Why the eff doesn’t LL Cool J age! I know everyone is up in arms over whether the Russians are rigging our elections, but I’m more concerned with the fact the LL Cool J doesn’t look a day older now than when he was in high school! Ironically enough, Babyface hasn’t looked babyish in fifteen years, yet this guy looks the same as he did when he got his Lerner’s Permit! Mueller needs to prioritize and start investigating what the eff is going on right now! I mean, he’s like a real-life God Damn Benjamin Button! This man is defying logic and nature and we need to open an immediate congressional inquiry to uncover whatever the fuck is going on here!

 

16 year difference

Look at this – if you look at me now compared to sixteen years ago it looks like I’ve swallowed that poor little guy…

 

They’re still looking for Hillary’s mystery emails but I want to see LL’s mystery toiletries. What is in that man’s medicine cabinet? I’m not saying he needs to go to jail or the Russians are interfering with his nutrition like with their Olympic athletes, I’m saying we need to find out EXACTLY what he’s doing or taking so that I can also take whatever the hell he’s on! Nutrition and fitness my eye – he’s like a Russian bot sent here to destroy the self-esteem of every short, fat, and bald guy walking the streets of NYC and I say enough is enough! I’ll have what he’s having and by Thanksgiving – I’m gonna be ready for the runway!

 

LL walking

 

On a daily basis, I’m reminded by both my mirror and my crazy sister that I’m not getting any younger or skinnier, but I kinda roll with it. I make it work like a pimp with a limp, but just when I start feeling good about myself – along comes LL Cool J to mess it all up.

 

Spock you out

 

I’m actually quite a big fan of his and have been known to bring the karaoke house down as “Mama Said Knock You Out” is my #2 go to jam! No disrespect to LL, but my #1 karaoke pick is obviously Eric Carmen’s All By Myself because I rock that mother like a sheer force of nature; I mean, I don’t wanna brag but after hearing my spin on it, DJ’s have been known to retire the song and vow never to play it again!

 

Me and LL 1

 

I was excited to meet him and as he walked over, I just couldn’t help but notice that LL Cool J and I have the same exact physique and I realized that, in the right lighting, we’d be mistaken for twins. It’s downright eerie how similar we are – I mean, if I stood on a chair to be eye level with him, I could probably be his body double. Somebody should probably get CBS casting on the phone and let them know about this in case NCIS: Los Angeles needs me – I can’t be the only one that noticed this, can I? It can’t be just all in my head, can it?

 

It’s funny how when you meet someone you admire, normal people think to themselves Holy Shit…I’m meeting LL Cool J…this is awesome, yet once I saw him in person, my first thought was wow, he could literally kick the shit out of me and not even break a sweat! He’s 6’ 2 and jacked up and I can’t help but look so little and slight next to him and I’m neither a little nor slight person! If that wasn’t bad enough, my sister took one glance at the picture and asked why on earth I was trying to suck it in and puff up my chest to look better. I tried to tell her that when you look like this, you gotten do something when you’re standing next to LL, but she was afraid that if one of my shirt buttons gave out from the pressure, it would take out an eye! I can always count on her to call out my ridiculousness but I guess can’t really be mad at her though, since I do constantly write about when she shit on a cat on a pretty regular basis (too bad she wasn’t pretty regular that day…)

 

 

normal.jpg

On my own, I look normal size – next to him I’m shrunken even further…

 

 

I guess trying to suck in and puff myself up was pretty ridiculous, and he might as well have been seven feet tall standing next to me! I mean come on – even his hands are gigantic! Each palm is the size of my head for God’s sake! I was like “Hey can I get a picture” and I’m sure he was thinking “Dude, you need more than a picture – how about a gym membership? You know I wrote a fitness book right? You read that shit yet Bro?” Ok, so maybe it’s all in my head and he wasn’t really thinking any of that – but until LL tells me differently, I’m going with it!

 

hands

I mean look at the size of his hands! Even they’re jacked up!

 

One summer during Fat Camp, I went to the mall with my crazy cousin. As we were riding up the escalator, I pointed at her and for no particular reason shouted out “Oh my God, is that LL Cool J?” I thought it was hilarious because, full disclosure, my cousin is a fat white girl – obvi not LL, not Cool and certainly not J! If she had one, her Celebrity name would be LL Chubb K, but who am I to throw stones? Needless to say, the ladies riding the escalator opposite us when I screamed weren’t fooled before they scowled at me and said “Is he an asshole or what?” and I’m not actually sure if they were asking me or my cousin, but I’ll concede that it was a fair question…

 

ncis

 

Look, LL Cool J seems like a really awesome guy, but in real life, I could never actually be friends with him. I’d feel like I constantly needed to try and suck in my stomach or stand up taller and I couldn’t dare eat anything in front of him. You think he’s eating mounds of white rice every day like me? I don’t believe that man has eaten a carb since the Clinton Administration! That’s a lot of pressure and this fat body just can’t take that kind of stress or hard work so we’ll keep it just like it is.

 

 

A Stain by any other name…

buck rogers

As I heard about this crazy story and it randomly made me think of my college friend Weezie and her “guy.” Nothing as tragic, but you’ll see the connection…But first – let me tell you that this is the exact reason I will not commute without my Imodium AD!!!

I know that in college that it’s a different world and you live by crazier standards than you do in real life, but banging someone named “ShitStain” is sort of like watching the Wendy Williams Show sober – it’s never a good idea! He was a great guy and all, but it didn’t matter – his name was “Shit Stain.”

Wendy Williams is a Wonder allright!

Wendy Williams is a Wonder allright!

If you were to ask Weezie, she’d tell you he looked like Brad Pitt, but I think he looked more like Nat from The Peach Pit. I’m not trying to be mean here, but they weren’t even officially dating so it is hard to know what to call them; I’ll just say they were “friends” and leave it at that. I liked him, he was a cool guy. My question was never about him or his looks or anything – it was his name. Hear me out: I am not one to normally pry about anyone’s nighttime fun – but I couldn’t help but ask: What did she say during the sex? Seriously, what do you yell out when you’re having sex with someone named ShitStain?

“Give it to me ShitStain”

Me love you long time ShitStain”

“If this stain’s a rockin, don’t come a knockin”

You get the picture and you can understand my curiosity – something just ain’t right about that…

watson

I’m sorry to report that there was no happy ending for the two of them and the relationship didn’t progress to the point of registering for linens monogrammed with ShitStains, but I did I see him once after Graduation. I was up at the Fat Camp when I randomly saw him walking with his mother in the mall.

As I walked over, I yelled out “Hey ShitStain, What’s going on?” to painful looks of confusion on his mother’s face as if she didn’t know who I was talking to. She was looking around side to side as if there might be two ShitStains in the mall at the same time. It was then that I realized that I didn’t actually know his real name and she apparently didn’t know his stage name. OK, so it was his Fraternity name and not a stage name, but does it really matter? His mother was like:

“What did you just call him? That’s not his name!”  

Blank stare back from me – I couldn’t even guess at a real name…

“Do you not know his name” she asked me…“It’s John.”

“Really? I don’t picture you as a John…”          

She turned to ShitStain “Why did he just call you that? How do you know him?”

“What?” I said “Everyone calls him ShitStain…” It’s not as if I would walk up to strangers calling them ShitStain for no reason…

“Who calls you that John? Why do they call you ShitStain?” she questioned as they walked away…Not really much of a question if you ask me…I never actually asked him why, but I always had a pretty good idea of how he got that name…

open mouth

Once again, open mouth and insert foot! I can only imagine that car ride home…

“John, I’m telling your father that people call you ShitStain…”

Don’t you miss college sometimes???

Pretzel Boy sent back to the minors

It was the middle of July, and it was hot as balls. Of course, Fat Camp was in full swing and to illustrate just how hot it actually was, I’m borrowing a Facebook Post from earlier today from my Rabbi Kodi – “Fock its hot! At the rate my balls are sweating I’m going to wake up in the morning dehydrated!” Needless to say, I needed the Air Conditioning as desperately as I need oxygen to breathe or alcohol to make it through the day, so it was off to only peaceful oasis that I knew of in the area: the mall.

I was actually pretty well-known in that mall, but not for very good reasons. I used to go there frequently with my cousin Leaky and her boyfriend, Dim, but nothing good ever came of it. Security was usually involved, sobriety was never involved, and immaturity was always involved. I loved her, but Leaky was always, always, always in a bad mood and being the absolute biggest bitch possible. I would try to embarrass her or make her laugh to get her out of those moods, but it didn’t always work.

That day she was especially bitchy and I couldn’t even ditch her because she had driven us and wouldn’t let me hold the keys to the car. As we were walking on the second level, I noticed that there was a guy giving out pretzel bites samples on the level below. I stopped and leaned over the railing, looked down at him and then started yelling: “Pretzel Boy!…Hey!…Pretzel Boy!” He tried his best to ignore me, so I repeated myself. “Pretzel Boy…I know you can hear me!…Throw me one!” He looked up at me (more annoyed than he should have been) and shook his head while saying softly – “No…You’ll get me in trouble…Get out of here”

  

 

Not getting the point, I got much, much louder and started screaming “PRETZEL BOY!…PRETZEL BOY!…I SAID I WANT A PRETZEL!…THROW ME ONE…NOW!…DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!” to which he responded by picking a sample off the platter that he was serving from and proceeded to throw it at me. At this point, not only were my cousin and her boyfriend watching, but there were about ten other randoms watching as well. Pretzel Boy had obviously never played professional  baseball before because it was an awful throw. It went high and to the left and all of a sudden Leaky reached out her hand and caught that out of control pretzel bite. 

I thought for sure it might fly through the front entrance of Claire’s and land in the pile of headbands by the cash register but, I just couldn’t believe she caught it. She was far off from being an athlete and even further off from being coordinated – it was a shock to see her moving so deftly. And if you know her, you know it’s a shock to see her moving at all unless you have a box of Entemann’s cookies in your hands. (Funny enough she once ate a whole box of Entemann’s chocolate chip cookies in one sitting while we were talking and then looked down at the empty box and back at me and then down at the empty box again and then spat at me defensively “I didn’t eat all those cookies!” and then stormed off when I started to laugh and called her out on it. Listen, I say if you’re gonna eat a full box of Entemann’s chocolate chip cookies yourself – and who hasn’t? – then you have to own it Honey!)

Anyway, she tried to hand that pretzel bite to me after she caught it but, of course now that whoever made it and put it on the tray, Pretzel Boy, and Leaky had all touched it with their sweaty bare hands – there was absolutely no way that was I going to put that pretzel bite anywhere near my mouth. Pretzel Boy’s boss came out to talk with him (about what I couldn’t exactly hear, but I had a pretty good idea) so I yelled down at them “Throw me some cheese to dip it in!” Neither of them thought it was as funny as I did and they went back into the store. It was like the baseball coach coming out of the dugout to pull the pitcher from the mound after he just let another batter hit one into the stands…

I didn’t get a pretzel bite that day, but I did get that bitch out of her bad mood. Still a win in my book and then we were able to get down to business and get drinks in the sports bar that we always went to in the mall. I promptly forgot about the heat and quickly moved onto something else to complain about…