How did I spoil it? He shouldn’t have been on the toilet!

No flashy intro necessary; I literally overheard the absolute strangest parent-teacher Conference ever yesterday afternoon. This is what I walked into:

Is there anything we can do for her grades? Can’t she stay after school with you for extra help? What can we do?”

Then there was a pause as the person on the other end of the call said something.

But she’s a good girl…I know she can try harder…there must be something we can do?”

I won’t bore you the rest of the conversation because what was said isn’t the weird part. The weird part was that I was heading into the employee locker room to go to the bathroom after lunch and walked in on that conversation. I immediately looked around to see where the voice was coming from and low and behold I looked over at the stall to see a pair of white uniform pants the kitchen guys wear around the ankles and two black loafers… I recognized his voice and already knew who it was and he’s a really nice guy in spite of the vest of back hair that he wears under his shirt.


Realizing he was on a parent teacher conference call that was obviously personal, I wondered why he would even have that conversation in a bathroom stall because the echo alone would be disruptive, when someone in the stall next to his farted. Really Loud! Gallagher smashing a watermelon with a mallet loud! That was immediately followed by an abrupt flushing of the toilet, I guess to distract, but the damage was already done. As I have always said, and will continue to say until the day I slip into my final Imodium induced coma, farts are funny. Apparently, what wasn’t funny was that me, being the absolute picture of maturity and professionalism at work, immediately burst out laughing uncontrollably like a Tickle me Elmo on steroids. I couldn’t help it, the laughter just burst out of me with the same sheer force and velocity that the fart flew out of the stall next door with.

Even though I had originally gone in there to use the bathroom, I sprinted out the door and down the hall. I was laughing like an insane person with tears rolling down my face as I heard him ask the teacher to hold on a minute while he stomped his foot and mumbled something about being on an important call with his daughter’s teacher…  Maybe I’m not mature, but I love how the fart didn’t merit a mention, the flush didn’t get a notice, but I burst out laughing and it gets him annoyed.

To any teachers out there, please tell me the weirdest parent teacher conference you’ve had. To anyone else, please don’t tell me about your shitting and phone usage. I would think having your cell phone go off repeatedly with a Sanford & Son theme song as your ringtone (DUNT DUNT DUNNIT… DUNT DUNT DUNNIT DUNNIT DUN DUNT DUNT DUNNIT….DUNT DUNT DUNNIT DINIT DUNNN DUNT DUNT …DINT DUNT DANT DANT DANT DERRT DERRRT DERRRNT DERRRNT DEERNT DERRRRRR) while you were in an Easter Sunday mass led by the Pope would be more appropriate than having this conversation while on the throne.

I’ll use absolutely any any excuse to bring up this classic…

Let’s not even mention the impracticality of the noise or the strangeness of having to explain a rogue fart or two…That is just a filthy undertaking! Even in the cleanest bathroom – poop is poop and shouldn’t ever be involved in a conversation, whether it’s your kid’s teacher or not. Are you dialing and pressing keys with those same hands you’re using to conduct your business in there? Did you just dial with those germ infested fingers and then put that phone up to your face? Are you going wash your hands before you prepare the lunch for the employee cafeteria? Am I ever likely to eat in that cafeteria again?

Please don’t ask me what ever happened to his daughter and if she’s now working at the car wash because she had to drop out  of school –  it’s not like I’m ever going to bring that up with him and find out. It’s also not likely that I’m ever going to shake his hand again. It’s amazing that I can get past the mountain of back hair covering his back like a mohair Schmatta, yet not the parent/teacher throne conversation…What do you do if you’re that teacher and what do you do when that kid brings brownies into your class on her birthday and says her dad made them? Teachers have it hard enough people, let them be…not working summers isn’t worth that!

Doesn’t mean he’s not a nice person…

If you’re laughing at this, my wife probably isn’t – Part One

I know that it might seem hard to believe given some of the foolishness I have taken part in, but whenever I start to second-guess my mental stability I’m reminded of a very comforting thought: I may be off the wall, but my wife willingly chose this. Who’s really the nutty one, you might ask? She’s calm, cool, collected and most importantly, not crazy. While I’m way out there, she’s at the normal end of the spectrum and it gives us a nice balance.

My wife’s a High School Guidance Counselor and understands the inner workings of fragile minds – thus the attraction to me…At first thought, one would think that I was an independent study or possibly an internship for her Master’s Program. Hell, I’m so wacked out – she should have enough credits for her doctorate by now.

My OCD Rituals, superstitions, neurosis, positive energy crystal worshipping, endless supply of toiletries and taking handfuls of Imodium at every turn might come off as amusing to some people, but not if that was your life 24/7. Every time someone meets my wife and says “He’s so funny” I can see the look on her face and hear it before she even opens her mouth and says the inevitable “you don’t live with him.” I don’t want to make it like she’s a saint here, because Homegirl has gotten a little Cray Cray at times too – but compared to me, she can’t help but come across as the normal one.

As I go through my days, I constantly try and find ways to make her laugh, because there is nothing more infectious than her laughter…usually I can get her to smile and a snicker here and there, but I’ll tell you a few things that she most certainly DID NOT find funny:

When she was pregnant with our first son and I took her to the midwife’s office for a check-up. While she was half undressed because she was changing into the gown for her examination, I shot past her and hopped up onto the exam table. I forced her to take a picture of me in the stirrups so I could text it to my brother-in-law while she looked at me in amazement/disgust. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best timing for my photo shoot; it should have been all about her and the baby (and it really was) but I just couldn’t resist. Like a dog dry humping a still leg, I just couldn’t help myself. Her rolling eyes reminded me that it was blackmail evidence and I maybe should have used my phone instead of hers for the picture. Also, it’s probably best not to push a pregnant woman out of the way while racing to see who can get up in the stirrups first…but lesson learned.

“Smile and Say Cheese…”

I don’t fully understand why, but guess who was annoyed when I Skype-recorded a fart so I could play it back and listen to myself…No further explanation necessary: farts are funny and come on, don’t try and pretend that you haven’t done it too. Isn’t that what Steve jobs had in mind for the Ipad all along? You can get a fart scented candle, but you shouldn’t record your own? Something is wrong with that kind of thinking. Is it OK to wire tap someone else farting? I know you can’t record other conversations, but where is the line on the recording of farts? These are the real questions people should be looking for clarity from our public officials this Election Day.

Do I even need to bring up the Rosie O’Donnell incident
again?  Now that was something she certainly didn’t find amusing then and she still doesn’t now…

Tune in next time as I go over some more of my shenanigans at my wife’s family weddings and holidays…Nothing brings out the full-on crazy like a wedding or holiday celebration. The hits just keep coming and every great once in a while, I can get her to laugh along at the craziness too…