CelebriTuesdays: Mirren, Mirren on the wall – Helen’s the fairest Dame of all! (and Donald Sutherland too)

 

helen 2

 

 

It’s very tacky to brag about accolades and recognition, but if you lined up mine and Dame Helen Mirren’s career accomplishments side by side – you’d see awards with names like Oscar, Tony, Emmy, Golden Globe, Screen Actors Guild, and many more. There would also be a lot of empty Imodium AD boxes, but it’s not a competition – can’t we just support each other and share her trophies?

 

Helen and Donald on Sirius

 

The Queen, Prime Suspect, Gosford Park, National Treasure, Elizabeth I, The Last Station, Trumbo, Hitchcock – there’s just nothing she does that’s not great. Even the Arthur remake was almost watchable because of her being in it.

 

 

Fem cropped

See what I mean? When I’m not in the picture – it comes out clear as day. Once I’m in the picture, it’s almost as if it gets one look at me and trembles in fear as if my face broke the camera…

 

 

It was a dreary day raining on and off and I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think Helen Mirren might have magical powers and be able to control the weather just like the Chinese government. If this were Salem (and I mean the real Salem, not Days of Our Lives Stefano Dimera’s Salem) they might have burned her at the stake for witchcraft. She looked up and gave a perfect scowl of disdain to the NYC drizzle and poof – just like that – it stopped. That rain literally stopped. Maybe it was a coincidence and it wasn’t a torrential downpour anyway, but I’m not taking any chances if the New York rain won’t even mess with her.

 

 

She was just as awesome as she seems: greeting everyone, signing autographs and taking pictures, just working the crowd. In all her regal glory, everyone wanted to meet her when all of a sudden, I looked back at the car and realized that Donald Sutherland, was still in the car. Everyone was transfixed on her, so I rushed right over to tell him what a fan I was and he gladly snapped a few pics.

 

ordinarypeople

 

For anything Donald Sutherland has ever done or will ever do, nothing can top Ordinary People for me. He was amazing and heartbreaking and just the best Dad and for me, that’s the pinnacle. I do love He’s been in a ton of things and around forever, but that’s my favorite of his performances and it still holds up after all these years.

 

 

Not everyone got a picture with Donald Sutherland, but he did sign a few autographs and made his way inside with Helen. They were together promoting their new movie, The Leisure Seeker, on Sirius and had to get inside for their interview so it was a good thing I got to him first.

 

Click here for the trailer for The Leisure Seeker:

 

I as happy as a clam at my two-for-one sighting, and I headed off on my way. I thought it was already a fantastic day, not knowing I’d see this superstar so of course I ran over and had to ask for a selfie as he was getting ready for his close-up on FOX News:

 

 

Not sure why my phone has decided that it will take better pictures of me, the girl with the feed bag, and a random alpaca as opposed to the jacked up shake-n-bake pictures it took of me with Helen & Donald, but the struggle is real peeps! I read The Secret and its usually not this loud and clear, but it sounds like the universe is telling me to head right to the Apple Store and get rid of this busted ass phone…

 

Helen 3

 

 

Just when you think Helen Mirren couldn’t be any more awesome – CLICK HERE so you can see her crushing Drop the Mic with James Corden and she’ll remind you why she’s the Queen!

 

Helen Mirren DROP THE MIC

 

 

 

 

CelebriTuesdays: Hey Ryan, Leggo my Eggold!

 

 

 

Since they just killed him off on The Blacklist, I thought I’d pay tribute to Tom Keen himself, Ryan Eggold.

 

Ryn out of car cropped

 

He was appearing on The Today Show and couldn’t have been cooler. He stopped to take pictures, sign autographs, and chat it up with everyone. Just a regular everyman who happens to be a TV star.

 

 

As he was chatting it up with some fans, I couldn’t help but wonder if killing his character off is payback for last year’s terrible spinoff show Blacklist:Redemption, but why would they bring him back after being off on that train-wreck offshoot just to kill him a few episodes later? It’s not his fault the show was so bad – even John Locke from Lost couldn’t make it watchable!

 

 

I’m really not concerned about his death as I probably should be; didn’t they just kill his wife Liz off last year only to bring her back from the dead a few weeks later? We’ll see Tom again as sure as Dembe will nod along giving Red a furtive glance while watching him waxing poetic about a shop girl paramour off the Amalfi coast many moons ago. Dead never means dead for good on shows anymore; I grew up watching the Phoenix himself (Stefano Dimera on Days of our Lives) annually rising back from the ashes. Fear not Eggheads – he’ll be back someday!

 

ryan and me 4

 

 

 

My relationship with St. Patrick’s Day: It’s nothing to shake your shillelagh at!

I am the proud owner of a festive little green speedo, but circumstances have forced me to stop using it to show off my shamrocks on March 17th. As a side note, the Metro North conductors have also stopped me from showing off my lucky charms in it. I was almost charged with assault in a crowded train car when my Irish polka combined with the speed of the train didn’t mesh well last St. Patrick’s Day. My jig went horribly off-course and I almost did polka an old lady in the eye with my shillelagh when I lost my balance. Tea bag one old lady on the train and suddenly no one is proud to be Irish anymore.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to carry tokens for the subway dressed like this?

 

In as much seriousness as I can muster, I am kidding about the above paragraph. Anyone who has seen this body in motion knows that I have rhythm and smooth moves like Justin Timberlake and will not hesitate to compete in a dance off on a train if challenged. That being said, I am serious here – I’m not going out on St. Patrick’s Day; I just can’t do it anymore.

When I was Studying Abroad in London, two of my friends from college were on the same program. While that often lends a sense of familiarity to the proceedings, it might have been too much for me. Baby M (not THE actual Baby M from the 80’s, but a close second in my mind.) was always a cool bean. She is a calming presence at all times except that one time when that hairdresser snapped some of her hair off of one side and left her with an awkwardly short sprout pointing upwards. I could describe her to you with words, but a cartoon character has her down pat, so I will just show you:

She doesn't knit, so pretend the yarn isn't there. Other than that, Gwendolyn is the spitting image of Baby M.

 

Yes my friends, she has the absolute sheer fortune to look just like the Gwendolyn character from Wallace and Grommit. I actually had to buy the keychain in the photo above when I saw it due to the uncanny likeness. As little as she appreciated that, she would get even more annoyed when I would show people in the bar and ask them if anyone in here looked like the keychain I was holding and nine out of ten people would look around and point right at her. The other person would usually run off because Baby M would see what I was doing and scream across the bar that she didn’t look like that. Her reaction always encouraged me to show more people when they asked about the yelling. I might have dropped it after a while if her mother hadn’t gotten her a stuffed version of that doll that Christmas. Far be it from me to argue with your mother (I actually love her mother – she’s a cute little peanut) but if she says you look like the doll, then you look like the doll!

The wild card was always Mary because she is insane. I’m not kidding and I didn’t change her name for two reasons: One, she is a LUNATIC and doesn’t mind people knowing it. Two, every woman of any age that I have ever met with the name of Mary has been crazy. No lie – show me a Mary that’s not crazy and I’ll show you a Mary you don’t really know. This Mary, Motown Mary, ZXO Mary, Old Lady Mary that looks like Stefano Dimera from Days of Our Lives, – they’re all nuts.

My friend Lisa from college. She would fill up on green beer before French class and all of a sudden she was fluent!

 

So, we went out for St. Patrick’s Day and as is my habit, I started talking to all of these randoms in the bar. One particular guy that we met was named Mohammed and he was apparently very wealthy. He was buying us drinks because he thought we were funny and then he actually let Mary use his cell phone to call our friends in college. She thought nothing of using his cell phone to call Upstate New York from London and what it would cost. We hung around with him and a bunch of others for a few hours and then as we were about to leave Mary came busting up, grabbed me by the shoulder and swung me around:

“Did you tell that Arab guy Mohammed that I was your girlfriend and that I would go home with him for Fifty Pounds? Why would you tell him we’re going out? Why are you trying to sell me again?”

“Mary, it’s not like I’m not going to split it with y…“

With that I didn’t even get to finish my sentence before she hauled off and punched me in the face. Literally, close fist, punched me in the face like she was Marky Mark in The Fighter. She doesn’t look it, but that bitch is strong!

Marky Mary regulating big time in London!

 

No sooner had she struck me before she switched personalities, forgot the assault and then said calmly “Come on, we’re leaving!” As I might have mentioned before, I have actually never been in a fight before and don’t count this incident as one but I always stand a little further away from her since that day. Also, this is not me being demeaning to women – this is me being a friend: friends try to sell their friends to Arab men. It’s what we do!

If I had known it would result in her giving me a pop to the chops like that, I would have held out for a hundred pounds from Mohammed. She was more offended that I said we were dating than me trying to sell her. Needless to say when she announced that we were leaving, he tried to follow us out and come too, but she gave him the stink eye real bad and he beat a hasty retreat. Probably a safer bet for him than going home with her if you ask me because that bitch was strong and left marks!

As an isolated incident, one might veer towards taking Mary’s side of the situation, but not anyone that knows her. I will go into greater detail about her at a later date and link back to here because that girl is a force to be reckoned with and should have reality cameras following her 24/7. She is mucho loco and wears her straight jacket like it’s from Prada.  

I couldn’t decide between this and another St. Patrick’s Day incident, so I split them into two different posts. Come back on Thursday and read all about how I tasted a brick wall sandwich and then mistook a family gathering as my intervention and you’ll understand why I just will not go out on St. Patrick’s Day again!

Dental Dilemmas: Part Two

NEVER LET A FRIEND REFER YOU TO A DENTIST

I’d like to tell you that as I got older, I became mature and that I got over my fears of the dentist and became a normal patient – but if I said that then that would be a lie.

I was talking about my horrible dental experiences with my friend at work one day and she told me that I had to go and see her dentist. She swore by him and said he was the most gentle dentist that she had ever been to and that she would never see another dentist besides him. It sounded too good to be true and I should have listened to my instincts.

As I walked into the waiting room, already glistening with beads of sweat that were multiplying with each step, I knew something didn’t feel right. There wasn’t a receptionist at the front desk and there were no other patients in the waiting room. The actual dentist came out of a back room and checked me in and I felt like I was in an abandoned house. After filling out the paperwork, he escorted me to his exam room and sat me down.

I tried to explain about my fears to him when he turned and walked out of the room – As I was still talking to him! He wasn’t listening to a thing I was saying. Then a random dental assistant showed up out of nowhere and put the TV on above me. I thought that was really considerate of her to think I might like to watch something to distract me until she took the remote and started strolling through the channels to find her Telenovella. As I was sitting there being ignored I started to get more and more anxious. Did you ever see a woman eight hours into labor covered with sweat and tears and dead tired and beat down from the physical and mental exhaustion? That’s exactly what I looked like sitting there. You know the wax paper that they put on the dental chair for each patient so it’s sanitary and how noisy it is every time you move? The paper under me in that chair was quiet as a mouse because it was soaking wet with the buckets of seat that were gushing out of me. If someone were to look in that window right then, they would have thought that I just ran through a fire hydrant… 

I asked if we could put Days of our Lives on instead because it might calm me down a little to see what Hope was up to, but no reply. She was looking right through me and then I gave her a knowing look that I thought would say it all. Apparently, it didn’t say anything because she then gave me her own look that said “Bitch, I will stab you right here…” so I let her watch her Telenovella. I sat there wishing that I hadn’t pretended I was hard of hearing in my Spanish class and actually learned something so I could understand what was going on with Hector and his hermano.

The dentist came back into the room and I once again tried to explain my fears and tell them that I am not a good patient, but he was going about his business and still ignoring me. I figured he was in charge, so I asked him about changing the channel to Days of our Lives. I told him that I thought it might calm me down, but he said “No – she watches her show every day.” I almost asked if she had ever heard of a fucking TiVo, but then thought better of it because I was not making any friends in this office and I was pretty sure that I was already off their Christmas card list. I was fidgeting as I always do and they were exchanging looks at each other. He tried to start the exam again, but I would make him stop every few seconds to reassure me that he wouldn’t hurt me. After about the fifth time, he got mad and took off his rubber gloves.

That’s it” he said “I’m done.” Before I could even say one word or express my shock at what was going on, he started in on me. “You need to call your insurance company and find another dentist.” What?” was all I could say and he went on. “It’s not gonna work out for you here.” And just like that he broke up with me. What dentist throws someone out? As I tried to hide my embarrassment and get my jacket and stuff together to get the hell out of there, he then told me that I owed him $5.00 for the copay. “What?” “You owe me $5.00 for the copay.” “Oh, I forgot my wallet, sorry” and I walked out. 

My wife had an appointment with that idiot the following week and I made sure to tell her how I had been treated and how she shouldn’t go to him. She didn’t want to look for another dentist and she had never had a problem at a dentist before so she still went. I told her that under no circumstances was she to give him that $5.00 copay if he brought it up. It wasn’t the money, it was the principle.

Don’t you know that the second that she walked into that office, he asked her if she was going to be a crybaby like her husband and then told her that I left and didn’t pay my copay? AND SHE GAVE HIM THE MONEY! Where is her loyalty? That man treats me bad, throws me out, and then talks shit about me and she gave him the copay!   She said she didn’t want him taking it out on her if she refused to give him the copay, but what would Tammy Wynette have done – Stand by your man and get a new dentist. I see how it is.