CelebriTuesdays: Guys, Coco better set another place for dinner cause I think Ice-T is my new Best Friend!

February 1, 2018February 16, 2018 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 5 Comments

I’m not one to humble brag, mostly since I’m not really that good at humility, but I cannot believe that I haven’t mentioned Ice-T yet! Lucky for you that current events have now forced me into giving you a special Hump Day treat – another post! It’s sort of like getting a bonus Jonas without the preteen angst or acne.

I have been star gazing (or stalking if you will) for a bit now, but one of the very first times I realized that my daily path to work was paved with Hollywood stars was because of Ice-T! As I was walking to work, there was a bunch of people crowding a car that had just pulled up when all of a sudden, Ice-T got out. It all happened so fast: people were trying to get him to autograph things and asking him to snap photos with them so security got in close to block him and shouted “we have to get him inside right now!” and steered him towards the doorway. Thanks to my ninja stealth reflexes, quick-thinking, and terrifying fear of not getting to meet him – I sprang into action like Black Panther. I got right in between the female security guard that yelled about getting him inside and Ice-T and said loudly “Come on guys, we gotta get him inside!” and then put my arm around him and said “but real quick Ice…” and proceeded to snap a few pictures.

Here’s the one guy in NYC that I’m more tech savvy then. – he’s signing a polaroid picture!

What the hell is he asking him to sign? A frisbee or a paper plate?

He laughed and thought I was funny and said “you’re crazy” and laughed again while we took a few pictures and then he went off into the building for his interview on The Today Show. I merrily shuffled along to work thinking that would be the best part of my day – because seriously, what else could top that? Little did I know…

As is the required by NY State law upon such an occurrence, I posted the pictures to Facebook and I thinking only of my beloved Immodium Abusers in a case like this, I also sent out a tweet or two. I got a bunch of likes which was nice, but then I hit the mother load: Ice-Mother-Effin-T went and liked two of my tweets!!!! He liked two of my tweets!

Of course I saw that notification and then called my wife to share this most joyous of news thinking how over the moon she’d be as well. I immediately went into a ranting diatribe about how excited I was and proceeded to give her a play-by-play and she couldn’t say one word because I was rambling on so much. I started screaming how it was the best day ever (Literally the best day ever!) and tried to explain the latest updates as I had already called her from the corner earlier to tell her about meeting Ice-T. Thinking she’d be a supportive and understanding wife and as excited as I was, you can imagine my surprise by how non-plussed she was.

I was out breath and carrying on like a psycho for the second time that day and I thought we must have gotten disconnected because she wasn’t saying anything at all until she finally asked “How can this be the best day ever? What about the day we met or got engaged or the day we got married or maybe the birth of our three children???” “Honey those were great too, no one is comparing, but he liked two of my tweets – TWO!!! That means he was reading my stuff. That’s so crazy!!! How am I the only one freaking out here?” Now, I’m not saying that the birth of my children wasn’t a notable occasion or that my Wedding wasn’t memorable, but come on – it’s Ice-T. “Honey, did you even read the tweets? They’re really funny and Ice thinks I’m funny too! Did you hear me? Ice thinks I’m funny! He was reading my shit! “Honey, you need to get back to work and leave Ice the hell alone!” And then she was gone. I’m not saying he was overreacting, but have I mentioned that he liked two of the tweets? It wasn’t just a passing chuckle or glance – he went and liked two of them! That night she told me I guess I was lucky that he didn’t retweet them too or I might have actually shit my pants and she might be right on that one!

Now here’s the second tweet he liked:

As f that wasn’t awesome enough, fast forward to November when I was running the NYC Marathon. They set up an app where friends and family could submit pictures or messages to be shown on the jumbotron in Central Park to motivate you in the homestretch of the race. Knowing how busy Ice-T was, I took the liberty of creating and submitting a photo for him because that’s the kind of nice guy I am. During the race, I was really struggling with the pain, more chafing than any man should ever have to endure and the excessive sweating even through the constant rain most of the day. I was partially dead inside from the race, but once I got to Central Park, my mind was blown when low and behold, I looked up at the jumbo tron and there was me and Ice! I had th only reaction one man could have at a time like that and I started screaming and carrying on lie a little girl. There was a random lady running next to me that looked up when I started screaming and then she looked back at me and said “Holy Shit – Are you friends with Ice-T?” Obviously, I was carried away in the heat of the moment, but what else do you call someone who is supporting you through a really hard time in your life but a friend! “Yes he is lady, yes he is!” I think I was actually flying through the rest of Central Park after that because I was definitely on cloud 9.

The shot from the jumbo tron in Central Park.

I don’t even need to go into how cool of a Dad he is, so I’ll just leave it right here that my son LOVES Paw Patrol too – I smell a playdate coming up! Watch him going through cartoon theme songs on The Tonight Show here: Ice-T on Jimmy Fallon singing Paw Patrol Theme song.

Now that we’re up to speed, let me tell you about today. There I was, just minding my business and checking Twitter to see what Ice-T was up to (as friends normally do) and happened to see his Tweet about the Grammy loss for BodyCount:

Now what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say something? A bad one, you’re right. So I sent him a tweet – WHICH HE LIKED AGAIN!!!

That makes three likes! BOOM! Now – we’ve passed the Friend Zone and are entering Bestie territory. Time to grab drinks and catch up! And tell Ice Cube not to front – there’s enough room for everyone!

CelebriTuesdays: Thanksgiving Edition!

November 22, 2017 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 4 Comments

In the great spirit of the Thanksgiving season, I’d like to take a moment to quit being selfish in my celeb hunting ways and actually stalk for a good cause: to thank my wife. That may sound strange since I’m actually still stalking people, but the motivation and the intention is there and isn’t that what the holiday season is all about?

As I was chatting with a stalker comrade the other day, he pointed to a couple of women walking by and said “she’s one of the Indigo Girls.” I wasn’t sure if he was kidding (remember, I never believe anything) so I googled her picture to confirm and yep, it was Emily Saliers. I like a few of the band’s songs and although she’s no Gladys Knight – they do a really good rendition of Midnight Train to Georgia (sadly, no Pips were included).

I don’t normally like to think of other people because it’s a lot of effort and at the core of it I’m somewhat selfish, but my wife is kind of amazing! She’s been a long-time fan of the Indigo Girls since before college so I thought it might be cool to get a picture for her. Naturally, in all my overthinking and googling to confirm – Emily was Indigoing on her merry old way. She was halfway down the block by now, so I did the only thing I could do in that situation: I ran.

Emily’s new album is available now!

I’ll concede that maybe not everyone would have ran down the block after her at that point, but don’t judge me – who hasn’t chased an Indigo Girl at least once in their life? I can’t help it – my spidey stalker senses kicked in and I finally caught up to them at the corner. I introduced myself to Emily, but once I opened my mouth the non-stop verbal onslaught of nonsense just came pouring out like a waterfall. I told her what a huge fan my wife Abbey was and that she was actually in the car on the way to the city as we were taking the kids to see Aladdin and she’s loved your music since we were in college and then asked if she wouldn’t mind taking a picture with me. I felt bad bothering her and I’m sure both her and her assistant thought I was a lunatic, but she couldn’t have been cooler. Her assistant snapped a few pictures (thus them coming out OK) and then suggested we take a video message to send to my wife. Who does that? Seriously – how cool is that? The only thing that could have been better would have been her taking out her guitar and strumming a melody, but she’s not a strolling minstrel for God’s sake.

She was so freaking awesome and sent Abbey the following message:

I gave her an Immodium Abuser business card which made her laugh and thanked her profusely as she was so awesome and totally made my wife’s day and then she waltzed away leaving a very grateful man with an awesome video for his wife.

Don’t worry – I didn’t stalk the Genie (but only because the kids were there…)

My wife thought the video was so cool and really got a kick out of it. She very surprised and appreciative for it, but that nice thing I did led to “the talk” which was basically a warning about the hazards of chasing celebrities down the street. She’s made me promise that I won’t do that again or get arrested, but honestly – I’m unlikely to think of anyone else for the next three to six months so I’ve got a little time.

So this might not be the inspirational holiday message you were expecting, but thank you Abbey for being the most amazing person I’ve ever met, giving me three amazing little peanuts, and supporting my Imodium abusing self every step of the way and encouraging me to chase my dreams whether I’m soaking wet and chafed beyond belief during the NYC Marathon or hoofing after celebrities on the street. You’re amazing and I’m Closer to Fine when I’m with you!

Thank you Emily Saliers for being awesome! Here’s what she was recording at Paste Studio in NYC when I saw her:

I WAS ON THE SET OF STAR WARS EPISODE VII!!!

September 26, 2014September 26, 2014 / www.immodiumabuser.com / Leave a comment

Spoiler Alert: This post contains crucial plot points and unauthorized photos from Star Wars Episode VII set. I did promise JJ Abrams that I wouldn’t tell anyone, but I can’t hold it in anymore – Sorry JJ.

Here’s a picture of me and a storm trooper:

And here’s a shot of my son test driving a Rebel Tie Fighter:

OK, OK…so maybe that’s not really a picture of my son in an actual Rebel Tie Fighter and I wasn’t on the Star Wars set per se…but it is me with a storm trooper – he just happens to be patrolling the Boardwalk of Ocean City, not the Forest of Endor!

Now that I have your attention, I wanted to remind you that I’ll be running the NYC Marathon on Sunday November 2nd! Now you’re smiling and thinking “Wow, that’s great! Run Forrest Run!” But I’m not that selfish and this isn’t all just about me – Here’s where you come in: The only way I could get a spot was by fund-raising so this is my not-so-subtle pitch for assistance because I’m way off from my goal. If I don’t reach my fundraising goal by next week, I’ll have to pay for it myself and will, unfortunately, be forced to resort to selling one or more of my kids to do so…Do you want that on your conscience? Remember kids – it takes a village.

The way I see it, you have three options:

1: Go and donate now – you don’t have a dollar for a great cause? No amount is too small and every donation makes such an impact.

2: Like this and share it on your facebook/twitter/Instagram/tumbler/blender/coffeepot/hashtag/sunburn/earlobe – or on whatever social media outlets you’re using! Share it and spread the word Yenta!

3: You need a third option? Those two weren’t enough? Now you need a third option? Go back to option one and donate!

I’m running with Team for Kids and it’s actually a really great Organization that brings free running programs and wellness events to schools and neighborhoods. Their youth programs already serve more than 200,000 children in hundreds of underserved schools and community centers; the fundraising helps to increase the reach and impact on the kids who need it most.

Running the Marathon last year was such a life-changing experience for me so to be able to do it again and give back in the process is amazing! All the money goes towards the kids and the programs they run, so you really are helping to make a huge difference! I was originally going to fundraise for a new toupee, but this isn’t about me guys – its for the kids and will do just as much good for the world than me with a new set of locks.

For those that would like to come out and cheer on Race Day while I hammer through all 26.2 miles with a smile and enough Imodium AD pumping through my veins to stock a small country it’ll be quite a show! 🙂 For those that can’t make it, I’ll expect a ton of positive energy and prayers that I can stay upright on two feet for the duration of the race!

Here’s the link if you’re so inclined – please help if you’re able – every little bit will go a long way and a lot of little bits make a huge difference! Every dollar raised helps the kids, so any amount is appreciated!

http://www.runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

Donate today – the deadline is less than a week away!

Thanks,

HELP!!! I’m sweating my Lupita Nyong’os off!!!

July 31, 2014 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 2 Comments

http://runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

I really hate this time of year, but the summer isn’t the only reason I’m sweating: I’m fundraising for the NYC Marathon in November and need your help with it. I know what you’re thinking – Oh great, he’s asking for money let me stop reading now, but wait…

Are you gonna tell these three cute little guys that you won’t help their Daddy!

As some of you may recall, I ran the marathon last year and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Running has changed my life in so many ways and I’m in better shape than I’ve been in years. Just knowing that I can actually run 26.2 miles is actually pretty cool. Seeing and hearing and feeling the support and the cheers and for a very brief little period of time – all those people were out there for me. Cheering me on, supporting me, screaming my name; that’s an amazing feeling.

So let’s close this mother down shall we? Am I going to set a speed record and head from here to the Olympics – No. Am I going to be celebrated on the cover of Sports Illustrated like Meb Keflezighi? Probably not… Am I going to help with a great cause and have a ton of fun along the way – YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!

If you need a subtle reason to donate, consider that the funds donated here will support Team for Kids, which is a team of volunteers who raise funds for critical services provided by New York Road Runners Youth Programs. These programs combat childhood obesity and empower youth development via running and character-building programs in low-income schools and community centers in New York City, throughout the country, and in Africa.

If you need a not so subtle reason to donate: you be the one to tell this adorably handsome little guy that you’re not going to help his Daddy 😦 Go ahead, break his heart!

I’m not asking for something significant from you or looking to break your wallet open. I don’t want anyone to put themselves out, just give a little bit if you can. A lot of little bits add up to a great big bit of good. I was thinking that of the thousands of people that follow this blog, if 1 out of every 4 of you could donate $1.00 I’d reach my goal and that money could make a huge difference. A dollar? Did I mention it’s tax-deductible? Obviously please donate more if you’re able…

Here’s the link if you’re so inclined – please help if you’re able – every little bit will help…I appreciate the support – whether financial, by lining the streets with the other millions of people who will all be out screaming my name and cheering me on or by sending positive thoughts that my clumbsy ass doesn’t trip and get trampled…

http://runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

Please don’t think I‘m asking for something without giving you anything in return either: consider this my penny serenade. If the thought of my sore and sweat-soaked body bobbing up to the finish line in Central Park like your fat uncle doing the worm at a Bar Mitzvah doesn’t make you feel like you got your money’s worth, then here’s a little rant on a very important topic for you. I’m like a little baby monkey making you laugh until you throw coins – Dance Monkey Dance.

SCHUCK YOU OYSTERS! I NEED MY TOOTSIE LOVIN!

Why is it that when they talk about foods that are aphrodisiacs – no one mentions tootsie rolls? People say oysters, but come on – nothing about slurping them is enticing and I don’t eat any seafood except for Swedish Fish anyway.

The only seafood I eat!

I wouldn’t dip one of my little bitty piggies in the ocean; nonetheless eat something that came out of it. And don’t say you clean the fish before you eat it either – it’s soaked through with the filth that’s floating in that water – you can’t wash that off! And don’t even bring up lobster either – It’s not a high end luxury meal. Who wants to go to dinner and have to have a workout to even open and get the meat out of the shell? If hookers don’t work that hard to get the meat – you shouldn’t have to either!

This doesn’t seem safe…

I want my food cooked and served and on the plate nicely – ready to enter my mouth. I’m not gonna break a sweat and manhandle this beast just to grab a piece of meat and end up covered – Am I a savage? Am I an animal? No, I’m just a regular guy that wants to be able to eat my dinner without bits of said dinner flying all over the place. I’m all for wearing a bib in general to keep you clean, but keep the food on my plate and in my mouth at dinner folks.

Speaking of doing all the work at dinner, don’t even get me started on fondue either. I’m not fond of fondue and I really don’t understand how people like it. Why should I have to work and cook the food at a restaurant? You go to a restaurant for a fondue dinner – but you have to cook it yourself? Why would I want to cook it – aren’t we going out to a restaurant so I don’t have to cook? And how long does it take to wait for a small piece of chicken to cook anyway? I’m so afraid of the boch so I need to leave it in extra-long and then I’m waiting and waiting and waiting and just starving. What’s next – I have to pour the wine and wash the dishes too?

Why am I even tipping a waitress when I did the god damn work? Tips in fondue places should be outlawed because they’re reserved for hard working people – not sloths that make you cook your own food. We’re in a restaurant not camping in the woods. And that hot oil, cheese and vat of chocolate is just asking for all sorts of trouble. No good can come from this! The smoke coming out of it, it spits and stains your clothes, the obvious stomach issues…Not for me man, not for me!!

HERE’S THE LINK AGAIN!!!

http://runwithtfk.org/Profile/PublicPage/17718

Three Quick Things

November 22, 2013November 22, 2013 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 16 Comments

1. Glozell’s Cinnamon Twerk video is absolutely awesome. She’s taken her Cinnamon Challenge to another level – and it’s hysterical. Check her out and then look around her you tube channel – she’s got some crazy stuff on there…

2. The Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is my second favorite politician. (No one will ever top The Rent is Too Damn High Guy – Jimmy McMillan. Besides buying crack from Somali drug dealers and getting filmed smoking it, he rammed into a lady like he was one of the bulls in Pamplona, and he gave a fantastic press conference extolling the virtues of marriage while denying kitty cat snack accusations (watch the second video clip below and this will make sense). If he is not the next reality show superstar – a great injustice will have been done. Ron Burgundy sang a reelection song for him and had Kanye not already got down on bended knee and already proposed, Kim KarTrashian would have been stuck to him like wallpaper…

It makes me a little sad that the Surreal World isn’t still on. Can’t you just see Mr. Mayor, Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Flavor Flav, Charo, and David Hasselhoff all trying to just get along and live together?

YOU MUST SEE HIS GREATEST HITS VIDEOS HERE AND HERE!!!

3. I am grateful and thanked my wife for supporting me through the NYC Marathon training and on Race Day, but there is another thank you that is due: I want to take this moment to thank the makers of NipEaze.

When they say that this product discreetly conceals and protects nipples, they mean it. I was so confident that I felt like I had my own security team guarding my guns. Not to be gross, but I have been that guy with the blood soaked shirt. I walked in from the park one day and my shirt looked as if I had just taken two gun shots to the chest in a driveby. Unbeknownst to me, I was running around rocking a sweaty tee with giant red stains through the park. Who knew nipples bled and who knew nipples bled that much? I mean, there was a lot of blood…

NipEaze, you have earned your rightful place next to Imodium AD in my life. What you have given me can never be repaid and the extent to which I appreciate you can never be fully verbalized…They’re sweat proof, breathable, discreet, and really stay on there. I sweat like a whore in church, but those little anchors were firmly in place for the duration. They even come in two sizes, but remember that for best results, NipEAZE should not be larger than the outside diameter of the areola.

I know what you must be thinking “what’s the big deal and why is this fool talking about his nipples so much?” and before I was a runner I didn’t understand and appreciate my nips either. Like the Shakira song says “These Nips Don’t Lie.” I took them for granted and abused them when I ran a half marathon over the Summer and thought a Pacman band aid could do the job of a mighty hero. It was no use, these poor little nips were hurt, sore, and irritated like nobody’s business. It was as if I got a super-sized purple nurple by King Kong nine times in a row.

This is an actual picture of me resting after finishing the marathon…

Don’t even ask about the pictures they take on race day either. My shirt was sweaty and stuck to me like saran wrap around chopped meat so badly that my nipples were protruding through my shirt like a meerkat on sentinel duty. I looked like a third string extra from Baywatch…Did you ever see Meatloaf in Fight Club – that was me! I was actually looking at the pictures taken at the race when my friend Beena came rolling by and took one look at them and told me that I needed to call the photographer immediately and threaten legal action if he didn’t delete those shots immediately. Not my best moment…

Either way, I appreciate the support (literally) and wanted to thank them. If anyone had told me six months ago that I’d be parading running tights, a du rag and nipple shields publicly and proudly through Central Park, I would have popped them right in the chops but here I am today sharing my bits and pieces for the world!

As if being married to me wasn’t thank you enough… (My NYC Marathon thank you)

November 12, 2013 / www.immodiumabuser.com / 31 Comments

I am working on a full recap but I’d be remiss if I didn’t devote a little space and time to give a shoutout to the amazing support system that got me through not only the 26.2 miles of the NYC Marathon but also the hundreds of miles logged leading up to that race day. No, this is not just another shameless Imodium AD plug – although I do owe them a thanks as well – this is a testament to the amazing, funny, crazysexycool, gorgeous, inspiring woman that just happens to be my best friend and wife.

Unless you count the night of our Honeymoon when we broke the bed twice, I’ve never really been congratulated for my physical prowess. I started running about year ago and famously ended my first race getting popped in the chops by a fence while face planting into the pavement with a bloody nose and then getting trampled like Mufasa did by the wildebeasts in The Lion King from the rest of the runners. Talk about a sign to not take up running – those were obvious red flags that I ignored.

This and the NYC Marathon finisher medal are the only trophies in my sports case…

I’m a Klutz through and through, so when I took up running, you can just imagine my wife’s concern. After all, I’m the guy that broke the same ankle two years in a row on the same day, sprained ligaments in the other ankle last year because I didn’t have my glasses on and walked into the bathroom door, fell face first into a brick wall and recently got a black eye when I tripped while chasing my son in our kitchen and fell into the garbage can face first. Basically there’s not a single speck of coordination running through my body but she’s been nothing but encouraging. And this is from my wife who had never heard of me running in my life except for the time I went for a run in Hyde Park while studying abroad in London and got so winded that I got an ice cream cone and took a cab back home – not the tell-tale signs of the track star I’d turn into.

Through every run – long and short – she’s been a constant source of positive encouragement and believed in me fully without question when I cooked up this NYC Marathon pipe dream. Whereas I didn’t fully think I could do this until about nineteen miles into the Marathon on race day – she was always my loudest cheerleader. I struggled and doubted while she massaged sore feet and applied the icy hot…Each and every mile became possible because she believed in me and that was contagious.

True-to-life rendering of me in all my athletic glory.

I’m not sure if you know how many people come out and line the streets for the NYC Marathon, but out of those two million people – there was no bigger smile or louder cheer to be found than hers at mile 18 & mile 23. As I made my up to mile 18, I glanced up and there they were – my wife, my two sons and my mother-in-law – with huge smiles and tearing eyes like an oasis in the desert. Shouting, screaming, waving a big orange balloon and beaming with pride – there they were. A big hug, a quick kiss, a fast photo and they made me feel ready to conquer anything.

As I darted away, knowing I’d see them again in five more miles I started to wonder why I hadn’t believed in myself when they so overwhelmingly and unequivocally believed in me. Why was I the only one who didn’t think I could do it? Their excitement was contagious and the proud looks in their eyes carried me through. I never cared about the timing – just that I could finish the marathon and have fun with it, and after seeing them there was no doubt that I could and would make it through.

As I arrived at mile 23 – there they were again screaming and even more excited than the first time. Kisses, hugs and smiles all around and then I headed off again to finish. They navigated the crazy, busy, crowded streets and subway system with a two and a four year old in order to see me in two different spots to encourage me along the way when they knew I’d need it and never once complained or thought about anything but how happy they were for me. They gave me the encouragement and the strength to finish strong and to believe in myself as much as they did.

I know that it might sound like the start of a joke to say I looked up and saw my mother-in-law’s face in the crowd, but she’s my Boo and they was such a sight for sore eyes. There she was – standing with my older son while my wife wore his brother like they were in Dagobah – he was Yoda and she was the young Jedi in training Luke Skywalker…At that exact moment there was no better sight that I could see then the four of them right there on the street! Granted, the last time I wrote about my mother-in-law it was about inappropriate movies and stuff so hopefully, this post is a little tamer…

This is a different type of post than I usually write, but I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to thank them for pushing and encouraging me. They’ll never know what their smiles, cheers and laughter did for me. I think of how much my wife sacrificed over the past few months to encourage me and my crazy pipe dream while I ran like a madman training run after training run, day after day, night after night…I certainly couldn’t have gotten through it without her encouragement, support and love. Here’s to you honey – I love you!

Hey Yenta - tell your friends!

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