You know all of those gracious stars I talk about meeting and taking terrible selfies with each week? This isn’t about one of them. I didn’t realize how lucky I’ve been to have gotten so many encounters with so many people until Elisabeth Shue’d me away and now Robert Kirkman turned into a real Jerk, Man.
If you’re like me, you’re googling to find out who that is because Robert Kirkman isn’t a household name like the Immodium Abuser. He created The Walking Dead based on the comic book series he wrote and, full disclosure, I didn’t know who he was when I saw him. I don’t watch The Walking Dead because honestly, if I wanted to hear about the end of the world and zombie apocalypse I’d tune into CNN when they discuss The White House. When I saw him get out of his car, I thought he might be “somebody” heading into Sirius for an interview, but I didn’t know who it was right away. My interest became piqued when he started covering his face with his arms saying “NO, NO” as if he were Taylor Swift getting mobbed by fans. That’s the best part of it – he’s unrecognizable to the average person on the street and there was NO crowd waiting for him or mobbing him to take pictures. He strolled by our stalking spot while we were waiting for someone else with his hands up which tends to get you noticed.
Let’s cover two things here: A) Nobody was even that jazzed up to see him or rushing to snap a pic – not even that crazy lady in the Pokemon shirt and she’s always jazzed up. I only started taking pictures when he started blocking them because I thought he was being crazy for no reason. B) If you’re gonna make such a fuss about people seeing you on the street, then you should enter through the garage or walk up casually and NOT covering your face like Blanket Jackson. Most importantly though, for God’s sake – don’t carry a lunchbox. Just a thought here, but you know who carries a lunchbox, Dude? Children, mentally impaired adults or eccentric weirdos do that. If you’re a high functioning adult still carrying a lunchbox, at least have some self-respect and get a cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or Star Wars themed one. Truth Bomb here, you’re worth twenty million bucks – let’s hire someone to carry that lunchbox around for you immediately!
Apparently, if you ask my brother or his wife – The Walking Dead is amazing and he’s a big deal. Granted, this is from the same people who didn’t like Manchester by the Sea – so their opinion of good quality entertainment is somewhat skewed. That movie tore me up and haunted me for weeks after seeing it, but I was afraid they might have been dead inside after they told me they hated the movie and didn’t feel anything after watching it. Come to think of it, it actually makes sense now: they literally might actually be dead inside and part of the zombie apocalypse. I’ll have to make sure and be careful at Christmas or next thing I know, my sister-in-law will be tearing up our gathering with a barbed wire baseball bat like Negan does on the show if I get mouthy again.
I full realize that no celebrity owes me anything and I don’t expect any of these people to want to waste their time with me and my terrible selfies, but you can be nice and at least smile when you’re going by people! I get it that you were in town for ComiCon and were maybe getting mobbed by Walking Dead Heads, but let me just lay this out here now: when I’m worth twenty million bucks like this schlub – they’re gonna have to chisel the shit-eating grin off my face because I won’t be able to NOT smile.