Everyone’s jabbering on about Cambridge Analytica, Russian election interference and Jeff Daniels’ sister Stormy – but we need to focus and find out what’s going on with the most important cover-up of our time that’s happening right under our noses: Why the eff doesn’t LL Cool J age! I know everyone is up in arms over whether the Russians are rigging our elections, but I’m more concerned with the fact the LL Cool J doesn’t look a day older now than when he was in high school! Ironically enough, Babyface hasn’t looked babyish in fifteen years, yet this guy looks the same as he did when he got his Lerner’s Permit! Mueller needs to prioritize and start investigating what the eff is going on right now! I mean, he’s like a real-life God Damn Benjamin Button! This man is defying logic and nature and we need to open an immediate congressional inquiry to uncover whatever the fuck is going on here!
They’re still looking for Hillary’s mystery emails but I want to see LL’s mystery toiletries. What is in that man’s medicine cabinet? I’m not saying he needs to go to jail or the Russians are interfering with his nutrition like with their Olympic athletes, I’m saying we need to find out EXACTLY what he’s doing or taking so that I can also take whatever the hell he’s on! Nutrition and fitness my eye – he’s like a Russian bot sent here to destroy the self-esteem of every short, fat, and bald guy walking the streets of NYC and I say enough is enough! I’ll have what he’s having and by Thanksgiving – I’m gonna be ready for the runway!
On a daily basis, I’m reminded by both my mirror and my crazy sister that I’m not getting any younger or skinnier, but I kinda roll with it. I make it work like a pimp with a limp, but just when I start feeling good about myself – along comes LL Cool J to mess it all up.
I’m actually quite a big fan of his and have been known to bring the karaoke house down as “Mama Said Knock You Out” is my #2 go to jam! No disrespect to LL, but my #1 karaoke pick is obviously Eric Carmen’s All By Myself because I rock that mother like a sheer force of nature; I mean, I don’t wanna brag but after hearing my spin on it, DJ’s have been known to retire the song and vow never to play it again!
I was excited to meet him and as he walked over, I just couldn’t help but notice that LL Cool J and I have the same exact physique and I realized that, in the right lighting, we’d be mistaken for twins. It’s downright eerie how similar we are – I mean, if I stood on a chair to be eye level with him, I could probably be his body double. Somebody should probably get CBS casting on the phone and let them know about this in case NCIS: Los Angeles needs me – I can’t be the only one that noticed this, can I? It can’t be just all in my head, can it?
It’s funny how when you meet someone you admire, normal people think to themselves Holy Shit…I’m meeting LL Cool J…this is awesome, yet once I saw him in person, my first thought was wow, he could literally kick the shit out of me and not even break a sweat! He’s 6’ 2 and jacked up and I can’t help but look so little and slight next to him and I’m neither a little nor slight person! If that wasn’t bad enough, my sister took one glance at the picture and asked why on earth I was trying to suck it in and puff up my chest to look better. I tried to tell her that when you look like this, you gotten do something when you’re standing next to LL, but she was afraid that if one of my shirt buttons gave out from the pressure, it would take out an eye! I can always count on her to call out my ridiculousness but I guess can’t really be mad at her though, since I do constantly write about when she shit on a cat on a pretty regular basis (too bad she wasn’t pretty regular that day…)
I guess trying to suck in and puff myself up was pretty ridiculous, and he might as well have been seven feet tall standing next to me! I mean come on – even his hands are gigantic! Each palm is the size of my head for God’s sake! I was like “Hey can I get a picture” and I’m sure he was thinking “Dude, you need more than a picture – how about a gym membership? You know I wrote a fitness book right? You read that shit yet Bro?” Ok, so maybe it’s all in my head and he wasn’t really thinking any of that – but until LL tells me differently, I’m going with it!
One summer during Fat Camp, I went to the mall with my crazy cousin. As we were riding up the escalator, I pointed at her and for no particular reason shouted out “Oh my God, is that LL Cool J?” I thought it was hilarious because, full disclosure, my cousin is a fat white girl – obvi not LL, not Cool and certainly not J! If she had one, her Celebrity name would be LL Chubb K, but who am I to throw stones? Needless to say, the ladies riding the escalator opposite us when I screamed weren’t fooled before they scowled at me and said “Is he an asshole or what?” and I’m not actually sure if they were asking me or my cousin, but I’ll concede that it was a fair question…
Look, LL Cool J seems like a really awesome guy, but in real life, I could never actually be friends with him. I’d feel like I constantly needed to try and suck in my stomach or stand up taller and I couldn’t dare eat anything in front of him. You think he’s eating mounds of white rice every day like me? I don’t believe that man has eaten a carb since the Clinton Administration! That’s a lot of pressure and this fat body just can’t take that kind of stress or hard work so we’ll keep it just like it is.