The only female that can pull off white hair like this

The only female that can pull off white hair like this

 

To say that I have a strange relationship with my stepmother-in-law is an understatement. It’s not like when I wrote Watching Dirty Movies with my Wife’s Mom but there is an awkward strain. To describe my stepmother-in-law as a MILF is technically correct – it’s just that she’s a Mother I’d Like to Forget! It’s been awkward since she opened the door to greet us and I screamed “Oh My God, What happened?” once I saw her white hair. It was so white as if she had the Fancy Feast cat sitting on her head! Apparently, she had stopped dyeing it which is OK, but let someone know. To stop dyeing your hair all of a sudden is your choice, but give someone a little warning that the sight of you has now become scary. One week later, that hair was back to its normal nasty brown and the least she could have said was thank you to me for being honest and helping her out. Also, just as a general rule; if you don’t look good to begin with – don’t experiment!

She looks more like the dingo that ate her Baby than Meryl Streep!!!

She looks more like the dingo that ate her Baby than Meryl Streep!!!

 

If I had to try and pinpoint the exact time it started to get weird, I’d have to say it was right around the time my Step MILF-in law tried making out with me during a church wedding…Upon greeting her, I did the expected and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. I certainly didn’t want to, but it was the appropriate thing to do since people were watching and a high five I wanted to give her would seem odd. As my lips were about to make contact with her cheek, she whipped her head around quickly and planted a big wet one right square on my mouth!!! Normally, I would have been game for a little cougar action, but A) it was inside a church and B) I’d rather make out with Larry King wearing only his suspenders and glasses than kiss her on the lips! I almost slapped her right there – I’m Catholic – You don’t do that in church! If you can even believe it – that wasn’t the worst part. Even worse than her planting one on me was the fact that I had to sit there in the pew with absolutely no one to tell because the ceremony was starting and everyone else I knew was in the bridal party. It was literally burning inside me fighting to burst out like that alien baby in V. I needed to tell someone, anyone, when I finally made a friend in the pew and spilled my guts. As soon as the words left my mouth and I actually heard it out loud, I knew it was wrong. My new friend looked at me with disgust and asked why in the world I would ever kiss my Step MILF-in-law on the lips right there in the church and I realized that I had to be the one to tell my wife first. I didn’t think she wouldn’t trust me or think that I tried something with her stepmother, but the one you believe is always the one who gets to tell it first.

 

I was sitting four pews in front of her but I just knew that if it came down to a foot race, I could beat her to my wife first. After the ceremony, I tried to get right through the receiving line very quickly, but that sneaky bitch cut right around and made a mad dash to my wife – beating me by seconds…I could hear her as I was walking up…

 

My Wife: (To her Stepmother) “What happened to your face?” (She had a gash right above her upper lip where she must have cut herself shaving that morning)

 

Her Stepmother: “Well, when your husband kissed me on the lips in the church, he must have scratched me…”

 

(That’s when I jumped in as multiple heads turned around after hearing such blatant nonsense)

 

Me: Oh No You don’t! You kissed me! Don’t you try to play this game – you leaned in and kissed me! You kissed me!

 

Guess who got the dirty looks and called crazy? Guess whose fault it was?

 

Can you believe that woman tried to get to second base with me in a Catholic Church and I’m the bad guy? This happened in 2001 and everyone still refers to it as the time I kissed her Stepmother, not the time she kissed me. Just like when I accidentally mounted my wife’s aunt at Christmas – no one ever forgets it and they always make it seem like I’m the one that’s in the wrong…

 

The lesson we learn and tell our in-laws is that “I can understand you losing control because obviously, I have a mirror and can see what I’m  putting out there, but “no means no!” I am not just some piece of meat you can grab and cop a feel anytime you want. Just because she looks like a dog on a leash, doesn’t mean that she can start humping anything that walks by!

 

no means no

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Join the conversation! 52 Comments

  1. Reblogged this on http://www.immodiumabuser.com and commented:

    Still makes me laugh thinking about this crazy Hooka!!!

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  2. This was hilarious..Iike watching a comedy..I could totally see your MILF-in-law winking and patting her back with smirk for her accomplishment ;))…. Lol….you sure must be a piece of meat…..washed down..with Immodium..lol…now this came out naturally :)))…. Good funny read after a long time.. I am a fan already…thanks Oliana for this introduction :).

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  3. Maybe you need to tone down your sex appeal. After all, with “what you’re putting out there”, you can hardly blame a gal for trying!

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  4. So, I am reading this to check out who this Immodium Abuser could possibly be, what does he write about? OMG, in stitches and I at work too! Thanks for the follow too.;..you really know how to tell a “real” funny story. WI

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  5. Very amusing post – of course, this could happen a lot here with the French way of greeting (cheek kisses). Thanks, too, for visiting/following my blog.

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  6. You mention ‘accidently mounting your aunt,’ are we talking taxidermy here?

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  7. Omg your post had me cracking up! Great post!!

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  8. Very funny post, love your Interpretation of the MILF, and I do believe you tried mounting your Aunt at Xmas…during a power failure(happens to the best of us). Thanks for stopping by, I’ll be back. Cheers.

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  9. Hilarious, my new follower (thanks for this !). Greetings from Marseille, France, from someone who’s so happy she hasn’t got a step-father !!!

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  10. Best to send out muted signals, then you don’t end up in the stew. That’s my policy. Too much drama.

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  11. Hilarious – I love it! Wet kisses from family members are NOT OKAY. Ever. I’m dying to hear about the aunt story. Is there a post about that?

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  12. You send out mixed signals? Nah, get outta here! Next you’ll have me believing you are a leg-puller!

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  13. She is a remarkably tolerant woman! Maybe you should stick with her?

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  14. I was hanging on every word and laughing my arse off. Don’t worry I believe you….at least part of it. 😉

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  15. reading this blog is like watching Hoarders, i feel so much better about myself when it’s over! hahaha, dude, you’re a trip and are you really sure that Larry King }}}}}}shudder{{{{{{ in only his suspenders would make you feel better than smooching your Cruella DeVille of a MILF?

    now i’m beginning to understand the immodium abuse. 🙂

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    • I can’t watch hoarders because I teeter so close to mental illness that I can relate to them. I was watching one episode with my wife and This woman had hundreds opf sweaters lining her bedroom to which i say A) at least she folded them and B) all she nees is agood shelving system. Not even one minute later, the hoarder says “If I had more shelves it wouldn’t be a problem!” I would rather get tea baged by Cruella and ten of the dalmations than kiss her stepmother again!!!

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      • well, ok then. i just thought i would have you verify that Larry King claim, ya know…people say some odd things in the heat of the moment. ;-}

        and honestly i can’t watch Hoarders anymore either, the fascination is overwith for me. yeah, i get it, you want to treasure the remnants of that Snickers bar from 2001, have at it, it’s all yours!

        and heaven help the person who tries to toss it.

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      • It’s good to check..people say crazy things. I’ve lost the Hoarders love as well. I meant they find a dead cat rotting away under their mattress and they never once thought “weird, I haven’t fed the cat in a few months…” my wife thinks that since I have over 200 ties and just as many pairs of cuff links that makes me a hoarder. I think it makes me a stylish dresser that really takes pride in what I wear…

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      • heh…that’s how A L L hoarders think brother. 200 of each, i believe you are in dangerous territory now.

        1 800 pickupmyjunk, it’s a toll free call LOL!

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      • You never know when I’ll need them…I have Imodium AD boxes I had custom made, Funny joke ones…It’s not like I could have gotten the set of Chewbacca cuff links, but not gotten Darth Vader or R2D2..That just wouldn’t have made sense…they’ll all be fighting over them when I drop dead…

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      • oh, they’ll be fighting over them alright, on who gets to toss them in the GOT JUNK mini dumpster in front of your house. LOL!

        clue: they’re not worth what you think they’re worth.
        i see it play out all the time on Pawn Stars.

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      • They’re emotionally valuable…

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      • hey, i feel ya brother. i have my own compulsions no one else will ever understand too.

        peace and keep the ::::light::::

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      • Guess we all have our cross to bear…

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  16. I was in bits laughing at this one, I thought it was bad when my cousin’s wife tried to stick her tongue in my mouth in front of him and the rest of my family when I had only offered to shake her hand. She was a big girl too so the only way I could have got her off me was with extreme violence and possibly a broken bottle – but if I had done that who would have been in the wrong uh?
    I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM!!!!!

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  17. No wonder you are an Immodium abuser, Sunshine! Wow. I simply cannot imagine what your wife is going to do to you for this. Any punishment ever dreamed up by Satan will play second fiddle to her revenge on you for this. What were you thinking? Wonderful that you made us laugh. Tragic that you thought you might get away with it. At least you’ve made my life of misery with my missus seem like a walk in the park compared to your travails. Good luck, buddy!

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About www.immodiumabuser.com

Funny ass blogging mofo. I write a crazy blog called Immodiumabuser.com with all my embarrassing moments put on display. Connect on Facebook (im Immodium Abuser) or like my page at Facebook.com/immodiumabuser

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Family Stories, Too crazy to classify

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