I know what you’re thinking “OH God! He’s talking about religion so it will be immature and offensive and he’s crazy and I’m insulted by that. Believe it or not, it is possible for me to have a mature discussion about a serious topic. This is not it, but I can have one if I wanted to…  

The Pope gave his last official address in front of 150,000 people in Rome. The Catholic part of me is sad that he’s retiring, but the selfish part of me is wondering how to ask if I can have his car…Just kidding, but I really do wonder – he gave up the Papacy for lent, does he have to give up the car too?

I’m actually being somewhat serious here – there is no better ride known to man than the Pope mobile. It’s a Mercedes – Boom! You always have a driver to take you wherever you want to go – Boom! You’re sitting in a very, very comfortable chair while you drive – Boom! Did I mention that it’s bulletproof and bomb-proof – Boom! Boom! You are cruising around like a true Superhero! If Batman had only been born a Catholic, it’s what he’d be driving.  

From a car-making perspective, the Pope mobile is universal. Call it the POMO for short and we’ve got a winner. That POMO is one sweet ride that appeals to all car-buying age groups. Teens and college students – is there a better car made today to Hotbox with your friends in? Married Couples – forget pulling the sheets over her head; this car was invented for the Spousal Dutch Oven! Menopausal women – you can change the heat and A/C back and forth and back and forth and back and forth as many times as you need to. Seniors and handicapped people – there’s a hydraulic lift in the back to get you into the chair. (That last part also works if you’re just lazy like me…)   

What about drive thru dining you may ask? Yes, you can still go. The helpful agents of obesity will just have to reach up a little bit higher to hand you that McRib sandwich and Shamrock Shake. No time to stop for food you say? Not to worry, because the upgraded POMO can be customized with a microwave installed right at your fingertips. There would be an additional cost for that, but isn’t your happiness worth it? Is there anything better than making popcorn or a Smart Ones entrée while you’re stuck in traffic on I-95? Yes – a cold pop for Sweet Brown! Good thing there’s a fridge in there next to that microwave! You can’t do that in your Prius! With all the publicity surrounding the Pope’s retirement lately, I’d wager to say that there are more than a few pimps out there that are considering trading their Escalades for some new wheels…

In terms of parking, do you classify the POMO as an SUV or a sedan? The height restriction can be cumbersome in an underground lot, but other than that? I guess you might need shades for a sunny day and you have to really watch out if you flip someone off in traffic, but you take the good with the bad.

Worried about repairs and maintenance? Do you honestly think that there is an auto body shop out there that will screw over the pope mobile? You’ll get a fair estimate, only the necessary services, and honest repairs every time – never underestimate the power of Catholic guilt!

I can just imagine the inevitable Craigslist ad to sell it:

“You’ll look dope! This ride was pre-owned by the Pope!”

It’s gonna take more than a few Hail Mary’s to go from Hoopdie to Holy and park this bad boy in your garage. Serious inquiries only because the price is non-negotiable: Would you feel good about yourself trying to haggle with the holiest man on earth?

I do joke and make light of this, but I know that faith drives us and leads us through change. If the Catholic Church isn’t something you agree with and believe in – that’s fine too. It’s something I was brought up in and I can appreciate the history, the rituals, the ceremony and the splendor of it. Like politics, it’s not for everyone and I don’t force religion on anyone, so this is all in jest to bring about a smile in a cray cray world.