I came to a realization at work today: My black messenger bag has turned into a full throttle purse. I’m sure that it’s the real intention Kenneth Cole had when he designed the bag, but no one else will admit it. Why do they even call it a messenger bag anyway? Have you ever seen a messenger deliver something with a bag strapped across his chest? Of course not.
While searching for a pen, I had to remove two sets of ipod headphones (an extra in case one break) a tide to go stick, Burt’s bees hand sanitizer, six loose quarters, three dimes and four pennies. That was just in the front pocket. So I looked further and here are the items currently residing in my bag:
-2 granola bars – mind you I don’t even like granola bars
-Pack of tissues (unopened and actually forgotten about)
-11 loose napkins
-Ipod portable speakers
-Extra pair of cuff links
-Small bottle of Purell hand sanitizer
-Napkin note of a website I might one day visit for discount eyeglasses that I know I will never use but can’t throw out, just in case.
-Extra six pack of Imodium AD (do I even need to explain that one?)
-1 package of Sweat blotting forehead strips (sometimes the noggin gets oily midday – sue me)
-Ipod AC power adapter
-Autozone receipt for replacement alternator belt
-Blackberry wall charger
-1 straw (By the way, I don’t even use straws – there’s nothing masculine about straws anyway! People do not take you seriously as you’re sitting there sucking that plastic for all your worth.)
-2 AA Batteries
-1 red pen
-9 Cross pens – silver
-Receipt for CVS for Easter card for my wife
-1 immodiumabuser.com pen
-Extra key to my office
-Master key for the doors at work
-4 packs of Listerine breath strips
-49 business cards
-Ford Focus shaped jump drive
-A handwritten quote from the crazy facilitator at last month’s training session that says “I like to have my eggs poached really hard” with the word really underlined to stress his inflection.
-Another Tide to go stick
-Pocket pal calendar
-Small leather reporter-style notepad with important notes that I took in August 2010 and forgot about
-Large Leather notebook with important notes I took in September 2010 and forgot about
-Portable mouse pad
-4 White collar stays (in case the current ones give way or get stolen mid-way through the day)
-Toilet seat covers (even thought I never shit in public – JUST IN CASE)
-Miniature roll of toilet paper (it’s a small roll but having it in there is a Big relief – you never know)
–GQ Magazine with Zach Galafanakis on the cover
I don’t care for the word “murse” either. I think it’s demeaning and it really doesn’t convey the true value and convenience or the emotional significance that my mocketbook affords me. I can relax and feel comfortable knowing that anything I need is right at my side. It’s my very own relaxation station. Sure, it does get heavy after a while, but I’ll bear that burden if it means that when (not if) I stain my tie at lunch, I can dab it out immediately.
My wife carries a diaper bag for my son, yet I try to put one or two (or ten) things into it and all of a sudden I’m a bad person. That bag is bigger than the both of us, yet I can’t get a tiny corner for my essentials? It’s not like we can’t take his stuff and mine together in the bag – there’s not a space limit or weight restriction that I don’t know about is there? Why not get a bag with wheels anyway? It’s much more convenient to drag than carry it…
While we’re on the subject, I’m not even sure there is a difference between my son’s diaper bag and my mocketbook anyway. The bottom line is that we both have emergency supplies for cleanup on the off chance one of us shits our pants! Am I wrong? Believe me, if I could fit a change of clothes and toiletries in my bag with all my other shit, I would.
If you’re reading this and thinking that I’m ready for my Hoarders audition, just imagine what my office looks like! This is coming from the same person that keeps an extra bottle of febreze in my car just in case a fart gets trapped in there…
I’m all for having something handy in case there’s an emergency, but this is ridiculous – even for me. The bag is heavier than my coffee table and yet I cannot think of one of these things that shouldn’t be in there or that I don’t absolutely need. I realize that I am being obsessive and at this point, excessive, but this shouldn’t count – I need these things. What’s a guy to do? And guys, what random things are you carrying in your mocketbook?