First off, this isn’t an April Fool’s Day joke – this is a true story. My wife was pregnant with our first baby and we went to see David Sedaris. We didn’t go because she was pregnant and she didn’t get pregnant at the show as far as I know, we just happened to see his show while she was pregnant. (Some people get confused easily, so I wanted to clear that up right away.) He was reading material from one of his books and just generally showing why he is one of the most hysterical men alive and we waited around for the book signing after the show. He always stays around after he’s done and chit chats with everyone and autographs books, cd’s, small turtles…basically whatever you bring with you for him to sign.
We’ve seen him multiple times, but even I am not narcissistic enough to believe that I’ll stand out among the many tons of people that he meets. We’ve actually trouped all over the Tri-State area and are thinking of forming a support group for other David Sedaris Groupies like us. My wife wasn’t always able to attend with me in the past and so I went with her mother. Don’t get nervous, this isn’t turning into another story about me watching dirty movies with my wife’s mom. She’s a blast and loves Sedaris as much as we always have a great time.
In fact, her mother and I (mother-in-law sounds so old and impersonal which is not her at all so I just call her “Boo”) went to see him in New Jersey once and while waiting on line to meet him after the show, an old lady came up and tried to cut the twenty-something girl in back of me. The old lady tried to casually merge into the line but the girl caught on immediately and called her out on it. She wouldn’t let her cut in front of her and that old lady got so annoyed at the young girl that she actually spit on her. She actually spit on her! I was shocked, but mostly just grossed out and really selfishly thankful that she didn’t spit on me. Had that lady spit on me, that would have been all she wrote because I would have knocked that old bitch out; but the girl was a really good sport about it. No offense to David Sedaris, but you would have thought we were waiting to meet Springsteen or The Rolling Stones by the way that old lady was acting. I haven’t seen spitting like that since the Long Island Game Farm Field Trip in Elementary School when a little boy in my class got a loogie right in the chops was he walked up little too close to the llama cage…
Anyway, the three of us (me, my wife, and Boo) went to see his show and afterwards we went to get our books signed. As we were chit chatting about my wife being pregnant, he asked if we knew what we were having and we said we weren’t finding out. He looked at my wife’s stomach and said “The middle name has to be Danger! It has to be!” and he wrote it in our book. Of course, I never thought she’d go for it, but two months later we welcomed little Danger onto the scene! My favorite part of it was when the priest asked “You want me to say Danger in the church during the Christening?”
Fast Forward almost two years later: Tonight is his show, my wife is pregnant with our second child (We’re not finding out the sex of the baby again), and David – We need a name! I feel like I might sound a little bit crazier than I normally do, but let me try and convey the importance of this moment to you. This is a person that we revere, and I just fear that he might say a name like Nicaragua (If you’re a fan, then you know exactly how he pronounces it!) or Shortcake (Sedaris pronunciation: short-a-cock-a).
I will revisit this topic after the baby is born and do some explaining about the back-story if we end up with a baby named Boolie Von Coolie!!!!